I know that no one can make me feel any way without my allowing it and there's certainly no one to blame, but do any of you older guys feel out of place amongst other FTMs in support groups, even here? There just seem to be so many teenaged or young adult FTMs and I have all but stopped going to my real world support group just because the age difference means I seem to have little in common with the other guys and am in a different place in my life. I love giving advice to the young guys, but it seems like - where are the over-30s? I just feel a bit like I have no real advice in how to help school kids or even things like what to say to kids who are 15 or more years younger. I sometimes feel like I'm the only 30-something transguy just starting his transition :(
30-something and you feel old??? Come onnnnnnnn. Like my grandma use to say, you're still a spring chicken, hehe. Honestly, you're only as old as you feel so STOP feeling that way! :p
Kreuzfidel,
I guess I feel the same way you do and I'm older than you. But either there aren't very many people over 30 on the board or the are hiding. :)
I have to be honest I can't relate to being in my early 20's and transitioning. I'm kind of envious.
Troy
Kreuzfidel, I'm only 22 and I've always felt like that. when I was a kid, my favorite people to be around were two of my mom's best 50-something year old friends, only people that treated me like a human being.
Quote from: N.Chaos on March 16, 2012, 10:11:05 AM
Kreuzfidel, I'm only 22 and I've always felt like that. when I was a kid, my favorite people to be around were two of my mom's best 50-something year old friends, only people that treated me like a human being.
Odd, I was brought up in a similar manner and I always feel older than I am, too. I never had friends my own age, I always hung out with the 50-80y/o group, because that's just who we were around. I'm only 23, but I feel like I'm way too old to be starting this transition. Not only that, I'm married, have a kid and a college degree, so I really feel like there's not much more I can do in my life, and thus, it's kind of 'over'. I see all these teenage kids starting and I envy the heck out of them. But, I look at it like this, at least I'm trying. It took longer to get here that I wanted, but at least I'm doing something. To me, that's better than just accepting whatever comes my way. I can't change the past, but I /can/ change the future. I might not feel like I have much more future to change, but I still have some, and I plan to use it. So don't give up just because you're late, that's like leaving a party because you showed up halfway through. Heck, if nothing else it might help, natural aging masculinizes a feminine face already, so you might not be as behind as you think.
ok well I am not FTM, but post op Male to Female, and the other side of 40 now.. yeah I feel too old too. However you can be as young as you want to feel too, it really depends on you.
Is there another group nearby that you can try? It's possible that there's a group specifically for older folks. I know here we have both a youth (<30's or so) and adult group, so it might be worth looking around.
Another old fart checking in here. ;D
I'm 37 and just started T a couple months before you did. I mostly just lurk around here and don't post much. I think that's more because of my individual situation than my age, though. I haven't socially transitioned yet, so I don't really have anything to add to the threads about passing or school/relationship/family issues.
I feel the same way most of the time. I'm in my early 30's and started T 7 months ago. I hardly ever chime in on these boards cause I feel like my advice is to old! Kids these days I tell ya!
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on March 16, 2012, 09:04:28 AM
I know that no one can make me feel any way without my allowing it and there's certainly no one to blame, but do any of you older guys feel out of place amongst other FTMs in support groups, even here? There just seem to be so many teenaged or young adult FTMs and I have all but stopped going to my real world support group just because the age difference means I seem to have little in common with the other guys and am in a different place in my life. I love giving advice to the young guys, but it seems like - where are the over-30s? I just feel a bit like I have no real advice in how to help school kids or even things like what to say to kids who are 15 or more years younger. I sometimes feel like I'm the only 30-something transguy just starting his transition :(
I somethimes feel alittle out of place, it can be if the trans goup are very binary, and dont really allow much ells than the typical transmen transwomen, people which had happent a few but luckely not to much.
Also I must admid once in a while I feel alittle out of place at susan, NO ONE to blame, it just if someone is from the US is talking about something ex how to get T, I have no clue what to answer, cause I bet there country is pretty diffrent. stuff like that, and so make it kinda hard for me to translate my answers or express my issues cause im unsure if people will understand it, or if its diffrent there. hope it make sense to someone
--
for the age its actually opposite where I live, here the age is very diffrent, from 15 up to 50 and generally people are 25-40 as I see it. since its hard to get threatment from a young age (it got better but but still) I dont mind the big age diffrent, many cis-people feel that being 30 is SOOO old if your only ex 15.. but for being trans its not really that important.
But I can relate to your point in being diffrent in life, I personally put most of my focus on helping people who are young and trans. not that I wont help the olders ones but I feel its where my experience is and where I am able to give most of my advise,
like I couldnt give much advice in how to come out to your lover after many years marrige, but I bet some of the older trans people who had tried to be marrige and so would be good at it.
Kreuzfidel I'm 30 and I just started. I do see a whole lot of young ftm's, but it's a cultural shift. When (and where) I was younger it wasn't something people talked about. Now it is, and we have more younger transitioners. For mtf's though I've met a lot more older people just starting out. Thirties isn't too bad. You are young still.
Oddly enough, Kreuzfidel, I don't have much to do with the trans community here in Adelaide either.. Age is one factor.. A lack of commonality is also an issue.. I felt odd and out of place back when I did interact with one of the support groups here, so I stopped going and just got on with my life..
I think that the FTM support group I was going to had more age balance than yours does, but I haven't really attended regularly for a good eighteen months. Who knows what the age range is these days. I know what you mean, though.
And sometimes I was so envious of the younger guys--they might be in their twenties but have the same "transition age," and that made me feel so weird.
The other dynamic for me is my...call it arrested development. I froze a portion of myself as a teenager and always felt partly like a kid. I relived a fantasy adolescence in my head over and over, but I never went beyond it. Now I've mostly unfrozen that portion of myself. I'm living a very strange adolescence now, both emotionally and hormonally. So in a lot of ways, I actually feel as if I'm younger than the twenty-somethings.
I stopped going to the support group because I was getting less and less out of it. It inevitably focused a lot on coming out issues and early transition issues. It was also very pro-female, so I had to be careful of what I said about women and my feelings about women and all of that. A lot of the guys had come out of the lesbian community or had lived as lesbians. That explains the overwhelmingly pro-woman energy, but it also meant that most of them had had limited experience socializing with and relating to guys. I've spent my whole adult life hanging out almost exclusively with guys, and I found that I usually couldn't behave the same way around the trans men without hearing crap about it. I was a lot more comfortable with cis guys who didn't know about my history. I could be more myself with them. So I have no desire to return to the trans groups. It's too bad, but there it is.
Quote from: Felix on March 16, 2012, 05:40:31 PM
Kreuzfidel I'm 30 and I just started. I do see a whole lot of young ftm's, but it's a cultural shift. When (and where) I was younger it wasn't something people talked about. Now it is, and we have more younger transitioners. For mtf's though I've met a lot more older people just starting out. Thirties isn't too bad. You are young still.
+1 Felix is right and you look much younger about 24-27. I was in a support group online and I felt really awkward because I was like the youngest person there and even on here I do feel out of place at times since I'm still presenting as female and not on T or bind etc like other guys so I can't join in on those types of discussions. In a kind of way I do feel kind old since by the time I transition I won't be able to talk puberty blockers. I say you're good though.
Wow, thank you for all the feedback, everyone - I truly wasn't expecting it. :) I'm happy that I'm not alone in these feelings - I feel torn about the support group here in Adelaide because they're lovely people, but I just can't seem to get anything out of the sessions or give back. Susan's is great, but I just spend a lot of time searching for topics that I can contribute to and I don't find many :( But thank you all - I'll still be here, but just needed to know if what I feel was unreasonable.
If you want to really feel out of place, you could walk a mile in my shoes so to speak ;)
Seriously I'm well past 3-0 now, and not even transitioning because I like the life I've made for myself and have no desire to change or destroy it all just so people can address me with male pronouns. Still doesn't change the "real me" though, so yeah I feel out of place no matter where I go or what I do sometimes. I feel out of place with the regular FTMs (not just because of the age thing but because I'm not transitioning). I feel out of place being part of the female world (because let's face it, I'm not one of them). I feel out of place with the gay crowd. I kinda feel ok with the andro crowd. But there's no place in my area I could go and hang out with a "support group" type of thing so the web is all I've got.
The reality with the support groups is that they're going to be all different in different areas. If you live in a large city there may be several you could check out. Or you could resort to just going on the web like I do. But if I remember right, you've already transitioned and are living your "new" life, yeah? I imagine that a lot of trans people don't cling to the "trans" thing after they've transitioned. They just move on with their life and close that chapter ... which could be the reason why there doesn't appear to be a lot of the "older" folks.
I'm 35. Started T at 32.
I'm with Kelly, I gave away the Adelaide support groups as I didn't relate to them either. I know we keep saying we must catch up but us Adelaide 'oldies' should do so. Without in any way being rude but most of the FtMs I have met in Adelaide in the support groups have been teens. I know a couple of older guys who are really nice and good fun to talk to but they have also moved on with their life and don't spend much time with the support groups.
I suppose that is the way we go. We accept ourselves and live our lives.
Cindy
And there is always the next group down the road too, whoever they are. Support groups tend to come with expiration dates almost.
G*D, now I feel ancient!
We older guys are around, lurking mostly. I don't ID as trans, but read a bit here and try to be useful at times. Otherwise, I'm busy living.
Jay
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on March 16, 2012, 08:09:22 PM
Wow, thank you for all the feedback, everyone - I truly wasn't expecting it. :) I'm happy that I'm not alone in these feelings - I feel torn about the support group here in Adelaide because they're lovely people, but I just can't seem to get anything out of the sessions or give back. Susan's is great, but I just spend a lot of time searching for topics that I can contribute to and I don't find many :( But thank you all - I'll still be here, but just needed to know if what I feel was unreasonable.
I don't think what you feel is unreasonable. We all got diffrent life and problems, and have diffrent parts to relate too and not.
btw I don't think you should worry to much about giving back part.
for many people just knowing your not alone, or seeing other transpeople is already something to give.
Quote from: Natkat on March 17, 2012, 10:20:44 AM
btw I don't think you should worry to much about giving back part.
for many people just knowing your not alone, or seeing other transpeople is already something to give.
This!
Before I came out, being trans was VERY. Lonely for me, finding somewhere I could read others stories was a light in a very dark place, coming to terms with who we are and what we must do is a very individual process, but it's a good feeling to know you aren't alone, you're never alone! So wether you think you give back or not, you do :)
I felt old too, like I'd wasted my whole life (I came out just after turning 28) it's hard when you're surrounded by lots of young lads going through it, and seemingly having the balls to be true to themselves at an early age, oh ok I'm still a bit jealous of that! << crawls back in cave>>
Quote from: Geek on March 17, 2012, 11:16:27 AM
This!
Before I came out, being trans was VERY. Lonely for me, finding somewhere I could read others stories was a light in a very dark place, coming to terms with who we are and what we must do is a very individual process, but it's a good feeling to know you aren't alone, you're never alone! So wether you think you give back or not, you do :)
I felt old too, like I'd wasted my whole life (I came out just after turning 28) it's hard when you're surrounded by lots of young lads going through it, and seemingly having the balls to be true to themselves at an early age, oh ok I'm still a bit jealous of that! << crawls back in cave>>
its not nessesarry about having the guts to do it who is the matter, it also has something to do about how your situation is in general around you and how ready you are.
some people first find out what trans mean late in life, or have the chance to transition later and so on,
even thought im pretty young, I could have transitioned even earlyer if I just knew the right information and people at that time, but because I didnt and insteed got told stuff like it where imposible at my time and so I got to wait. even when its only a couple of years and im still young I really hate the felling of it and could blame so many people and things, but to be honest theres nothing to do about it, we cant really change the past, or when we are able to transition, we can only chance the future as getting all we where missing for that long.
Wow. I don't post much here anymore. But to hear how some of you think....in your 20's and 30's are too old??? I did'nt start my transition until my 40's. Only because I never knew the option existed. You are never too old to be who you are. I don't post much because I feel, with my age, I also can't relate to the younger group. I am now 54, been transitioning for years. Still looking to do and saving for the bottom surgery. Yea, being an older transman, not much support for that.
I fall into the 20's catagory, so I am not 'older' though I consider 30's still pretty youthful. I can honestly say though, knowing that there are older guys out there and other guys out there it makes me feel much less alone. Even if we don't always have everything in common, just knowing that I can talk to others makes me feel much more at ease. Besides, all of my friends are older, and they have given me so much in terms of advice and support.