Hi everyone, this is the first time posting on a trans forums, so sorry if I make any forum faux pas :)
I guess subject title pretty much sums up how I feel. I'm not really sure what I am, or really what I should do about it, so was if anyone had had similar experiences.
I was born a guy, but have always had an interest in girls clothing and stuff; I have several sisters so I guess I've had ample exposure to all things feminine. I have to admit, when I hit puberty and started developing hair on my arms I hated it, which was kinda made worse by the Ruaccutane I took at 15 which caused a massive increase in hair growth. So since 17 I've been trying to get the vast majority of my body hair removed via electrolysis, with the exception of the usual places that girls have it, under arms, lower legs ect. (this wasn't a conscious thought but I'm begininning to wonder if it was more subconscious).
Clothing wise I wear girls and guys clothes, like guys T-shirts, but they're nearly always very baggy and usually teamed with a pair of girls skinny jeans. I use make-up albeit subtly, such as primer, concealer and light foundation with clear mascara. Girls generally can tell, but most guys have just presumed that I've got good skin (or they're too scared to admit they know how to distinguish makeup from good skin).
In terms of my personality, I'm a relativley passive guy, and am far happier in the company of girls than men. I've always known that I've been attracted to men and never had any feelings towards girls whatsoever, and so came out as gay when I was 16.
Now for the bit which I can't really understand. In a wierd way I'm not actually unhappy with my uhhh "bits" and I don't really want to transition to a girl, but I'm not happy being viewed as a guy either. I hate the secondary sexual characteristics such as chest and facial hair (hence my constant pursuit of electrolysis, or as much as I can afford). I also have absolutley no wish to become "big and muscley" as my dads family keep telling me I should do (or should have done, I'm 22 now). To be honest, I spent most of my time dieting to get thinner/smaller (again, wierd, but I hate being seen as masculine). I really relate to femininity gender wise, but on the other hand I don't want to pass as a girl, again something I can't understand about me.
Sorry to moan on. I don't know what I am and just wanna know :'( I'm probabaly being pathetic, but, well, yeah. I was just wondering if anyone else had been in the same situation Thanks for listening and hope everyones have a good day :)
hey confused_one! I really don't think you are being pathetic - it takes courage to be honest about your feelings (even anonymously on a web forum!) I am happily male bodied but the more I explore my gender I it is becoming clear that my spirit is third gender; and I am exploring a more feminine expression at the moment. You might find more like minded people over in the androgyne forum: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html)
welcome to the forum btw :)
Thanks saint, glad to know that I'm not the only one :) Never heard of the third gender before so will have a look!
I was like this for many years, I finally "jumped ship" and started living as a woman. I can tell you from my experience this middle ground between genders is a tough place to try to live, but I did it for 10+ years and felt that was who I was. You don't -have- to be one or the other, I just found myself wanting to be seen/treated as a woman and that required living as one.
That's quite some time! It's kinda strange but just now after reading your story I almost imediately went to think that if I couldn't manage it I would jump back to being a man if things got tough but then another feeling kicked in, one that I've generally tried to ignore, which was to do with not wanting to even if things started getting horrible.
Actually Stephe, I'm really sorry if this question is prying, but I've been pondering on your post today. Was there anything in particular that made you 'jump ship' - like a key moment, or just a slow niggling that gradually got bigger. I've always wanted to be treated as a girl, but at the moment can't see the one to physically transition although I don't know if I'd change my mind in the future - I don't want to speak to a gender counsellor as I can't afford one privately and I wouldn't want to ruin my chances with the NHS now and then later on suddenly realise I was just unsure, but couldn't transition as a result.
Sorry if I sound like I'm asking dumb questions/not knowing where I'm going, I've just never really been able to talk about it to anyone.
Quote from: confused_one on March 27, 2012, 05:50:16 PM
Was there anything in particular that made you 'jump ship' - like a key moment, or just a slow niggling that gradually got bigger.
I think I just had an epiphany "Hmm I've gone this far, it really isn't much farther to just live as a woman" so that's what I did.. I didn't think I could deal with all the hassles but it's really not that big a deal as far as daily basis. Worst is it takes an extra 30 minutes in the morning to deal with makeup etc to look decent. I didn't do HRT etc until I had been living a couple of years full time. And again being honest it's easier on everyone being either a man or a woman. There isn't anything wrong if someone wants to live as a middle gendered person, it does create some confusion..
You sound like the classic (if there is such a thing) androgyne. However, could I get some clarification, because, I've never totally hated my male body either? Do you like to dress up as a girl completely? This might make you an androgyne with ->-bleeped-<- tendencies. To what degree do you not want to be seen as a girl? At all; or do you just not want to go all the way with that final big operation? The latter describes me. That's why I prefer the more neutral term of transgender for myself. You have an interest in electrolysis. How do you/would you feel about taking hormones? How about breast implants? The way you answer these questions I think will go a fair way toward indicating whether indeed you are an androgyne or something else. Nonetheless, you're still plenty young enough not too worry too much about defining yourself or especially LABELS.
Thanks for sharing Stephe, that's really helped me in terms of knowing that someone else may have done the same if I do decide to go the full way :) Although I've got a niggling suspicion I may feel that way in the future (with the exception of genital surgery). I spend a lot of time in the morning anyway, my sisters wind me up when I'm home with 'Jamie's putting on his slap' and the usual, so I guess the 'beautifying' requirements shouldn't be too much of a transition for me lol.
Sorry patstar, I missed your post just then. Umm in terms of dressing up as a girl - I do but not in stereotypical clothing, it's more in that angrogynous style some cissexual lesbians do. In terms of looking like a girl, I guess the furthest I want to go is where people mistake me for one but on the other hand aren't "shocked" when they find out that I'm not, if that makes sense. I certainly don't want the big operation, I think that would be too far for me.
I guess I could fall under the banner of possibly transgender with androgynous tendencies, although I'm not sure if that's possible lol. Hmm hormones I'm not sure about, it would have to be a low dose so that I didn't complete feminize but on the other hand smooth skin, no body hair and a bit of a chest wouldn't go a miss :) I wouldn't want to go the surgical route with regard to breast implants ect. I don't know, it's more of a 'sticking within my boundaries of what my body will do on it's own' which, again, sounds wierd.
Thanks for the advice, I've read so far on the forum that labels can be a bit of a double edged sword with regard to locating yourself, but then not being able to shake it off.
Hope everyone's having a good day and all :)
There are all sorts of people sheltering under the Transgender umbrella, so you certainly are not unique. Some women are happy to just go with HRT, and forgo SRS, while others won't go through with it for financial, medical or other reasons. There really is no one right or wrong way to transition, just what works for you.
Karen.
Thanks Karen, I guess things are still new to me, so the feeling that I have that I view as strange I guess are not so much really. The last day or so I've been smiling aa lot more with thinking about the possibilities and people have asked why I'm happy all of a sudden (never realised I looked so mardy lol) - never thought talking about it would do so much good.
Quote from: confused_one on March 28, 2012, 05:39:38 AM
Thanks for sharing Stephe, that's really helped me in terms of knowing that someone else may have done the same if I do decide to go the full way :) Although I've got a niggling suspicion I may feel that way in the future (with the exception of genital surgery).
You don't have to decide where you will end up right now. If someone had told me "You will be living as a passable woman in 5 years" I would have thought they were crazy. I don't have plans for bottom surgery right now but would never say I wouldn't. I think sometimes some people feel you have to "know from the start" where you need to end up to be happy, for me it just wasn't the case.