Hello again! As you all may know I married a MTF and well I have just 2 simple questions :police:
1st question! Asince I married an MTF does that make me a lesbian or what does it make me???
2nd question! Anybody who's transgendered did you get rid of all your pics of what you looked like before you transitioned? My spouse says once she's fully transitioned she dosnt want any of the pics that we took together... Is that normal how should I respond to thatt??? I love her so much and I want her to feel as comfortable as possible. It tears me apart to see my one and only lovey cry....
I think the pics thing is a personal choice issue, the 2 girls I have known personally kept one or two pics in sight after they completed their transitions as a symbol of how far they had come, actually neither of them wanted to erase the past but looked forward to a new future, that always made perfect sense to me as well.
Good luck and be strong, sometimes we are not easy for spouses to understand, mine has a hard time some days also.
Thanks Michelle G! I love her a lot and I'm very understanding with her being transgendered! She was the 1st one I met and it was love at 1st sight! I don't look at transgenders any different than other people! I gotta say though I'm finding that transgnders are amazing people! I'm one lucky gal
Hi Nikki
To answer your first question, are you a lesbian, the answer is: why the hell should you care, fact is, you are in love with somebody and apparently the other one with you, the only thing what matter is that the both of you are happy.
I think society will see the both of you as lesbians and depending on where you are living it can sometimes be a struggle or not.
Most important is what you said before, you're a lucky gal and why would that be spoiled by a label?
For the photo's, I can imagine that your spouse want to get rid of her formal life, because it was painfull, and wants to get rid of her pictures from that painfull period.
The good news is, you love eachother so much, so there will be plenty of time to make new photographs where you both are happy on.
This is the answer of a 30 years post op who also is to be considered as a lesbian and still thinks that life is great and worth living the way people feel comfortable with.
I think your partner is a lucky gal too with someone like you on her side.
Enjoy your love and your life honey, whatever it's called by a label.
hugs
Annette
Thanks Anette! Me and her have came along way and we believe god set us both up in the time of need and in the time of stuggle... As for me I was a victim of a crime and with my step dad and the trial was just getting underway... Nikki was there for me everystep of the way! She was the one that helped me overcome so many obstacles. My step dad will be in prision 120.5 years! I guess if it wasn't for Nikki id still be traumatised! I'm blessed to have her in my life... I guess it was love at 1st sight and now she's my forever wifey!!! When ever I'm at work and having astressfull day I call her and she calms me down... which is quiet frequent because I have a very hard and stressful job as a certified caregiver...
I was having dinner tonight at the pub with some Gay and Lesbian friends, and one of the girls remarked that almost nobody in the Lesbian community really worries about labels here any more.
There are women who have sex with men regularly, who still call themselves Lesbians, and straight women who have a lover who is a woman, and still regard themselves as straight, not even a little bit Bi. They just happen to love one particular woman.
Basically, it's nobody elses' business, and since the invention of The Pill, all the rules about "correct" sexuality went out the window, most people just haven't woken up to it.
Being the family photographer by default I don't have many photo's of myself, and can hardly recognise myself in the ones I do have. They seem like souvenir photo's from long ago now.
Karen.
There is no one answer for the pics. How one feels is very personal. In the case of my wife (25+ years post-op) she has some before pics squirreled away. We've been together one way or another for 30 years. I've only known her post transition. It was a little shocker for me the first time seeing them. It was just a totally different person.
I know one TS from my group who wants nothing to do with before pics. Her wife put her foot down on a wedding pic hanging upstairs. She is very supportive but does not want to deny the memories of such an important event in their lives.
I wouldn't worry at all about labels. You two love each other and you are far from ashamed over who she is. The short answer for anyone looking for a label is "We are two people madly in love"
Quote from: Nikki59s~Girl on April 12, 2012, 10:20:54 PM1st question! Asince I married an MTF does that make me a lesbian or what does it make me???
She's a woman and you're a woman, so yes, you're a lesbian.
Quote2nd question! Anybody who's transgendered did you get rid of all your pics of what you looked like before you transitioned?... Is that normal how should I respond to thatt???
I do have a few pics from before. I like to keep them to compare. But it's down to personal choice. Just respect her decision.
Quote from: JenJen2011 on April 13, 2012, 09:20:36 AM
She's a woman and you're a woman, so yes, you're a lesbian.
With all due respect to lesbians everywhere, I am also married to a MTF transgendered lady and I am NOT a lesbian. I have many wonderful friends who are, but I have absolutely no attraction to women whatsoever..zip nada zilch. My spouse did not come out to me until after 11 yrs of marriage and 4 kids. She is transitioning, we are staying together but in order to be a lesbian you really need to be attracted to women.
Spouses need a better term!
Ok, you're bi. Lol. But seriously, labels don't really matter, or shouldn't at least.
Quote from: JenJen2011 on April 13, 2012, 12:07:12 PM
Ok, you're bi. Lol. But seriously, labels don't really matter, or shouldn't at least.
No, labels don't matter-but to say a women is a lesbian or bi because she chooses to stand by her spouse is assuming that the women is attracted to other women. If my wife and I split, I would be with another man not a girl. Your also assuming that there is sex involved in each relationship. This may or may not be true, but I know a lot of spouses who stayed and they are not having a sexual relationship at all. I also know of 1 couple who after the husband transitioned they decided to have an open marriage, both having relationships with men and no sex with each other.
It depends on how each couple defines their relationship and what they are comfortable with.
Quote from: Mandie on April 13, 2012, 12:26:30 PMto say a women is a lesbian or bi because she chooses to stand by her spouse is assuming that the women is attracted to other women.
I just said it out of respect for the transwoman because she's now a woman and so is the OP. I didn't mean to offend you if I did.
QuoteYour also assuming that there is sex involved in each relationship.
No, I've never assumed every couple has sex.
QuoteIt depends on how each couple defines their relationship and what they are comfortable with.
You're absolutely correct.
My wife and I havent had sex in five years...maybe a total of five times in the 12 years we have been together, she is not a sexual girl, and on top of that she has said she is NOT attracted to girls, its a bit of a "catch 22" here as we are very made for each other and get along perfectly in every other way.
Quote from: JenJen2011 on April 13, 2012, 12:49:41 PM
I just said it out of respect for the transwoman because she's now a woman and so is the OP. I didn't mean to offend you if I did.
No, I've never assumed every couple has sex.
You're absolutely correct.
There was no offense taken :) I was just giving a different point of view. We can't label anything on this crazy spectrum.
Quote from: Michelle G on April 13, 2012, 01:22:30 PM
My wife and I havent had sex in five years...maybe a total of five times in the 12 years we have been together, she is not a sexual girl, and on top of that she has said she is NOT attracted to girls, its a bit of a "catch 22" here as we are very made for each other and get along perfectly in every other way.
LOL before my wife started transitioning, we stopped having sex we ended up getting pregnant! 4 kids is enough lol
Quote from: Michelle G on April 13, 2012, 01:22:30 PM
on top of that she has said she is NOT attracted to girls, its a bit of a "catch 22" here as we are very made for each other and get along perfectly in every other way.
I get the same from my wife. In her case the point is made even more poignant since she throws in "I didn't make the change to be with a woman". I can't argue with her there. A part of why I decided against transition 30+ years ago was because guys did nothing for me.
Quote from: JoanneB on April 13, 2012, 05:43:54 PM
I get the same from my wife. In her case the point is made even more poignant since she throws in "I didn't make the change to be with a woman". I can't argue with her there. A part of why I decided against transition 30+ years ago was because guys did nothing for me.
I think that was the single hardest conversation my wife and I had, when she asked me if I had known before we got together or before we got married or even before we had kids if i would be with her today. The only honest answer I could give was you didnt give me that choice. As bad as I feel for my wife that she stayed in the closet for so long, that single thing is my sore spot. I didn't make the choice, and after 13 yrs-1/3 of my life I would never walk away. The closet is a scarey place for all parties involved.
Quote from: JoanneB on April 13, 2012, 05:43:54 PM
I get the same from my wife. In her case the point is made even more poignant since she throws in "I didn't make the change to be with a woman". I can't argue with her there. A part of why I decided against transition 30+ years ago was because guys did nothing for me.
Joanne, that's the same thing mine said word for word...is there a secret "spouse handbook" we don't know about?
30 years ago I was in a very bad marriage with kids, I had to keep my girl side hidden way back in my mind just to protect her, thank gawd my kids are grown adults now and doing extremely well...I still have nightmares about that era though.
I think the OP has something special going on and she should be ok after they fine tune things a bit...time is on their side ;)
I will try to see if Shannon/Dragonfly has time to post on this thread sometime this weekend. It has been crazy around the house so she may not be able to, but I'll try.
She has asked a few times what this means she is. She has even said she is a lesbian by default a few times joking with friends.
If you feel more comfortable claiming a label as your own then have at it. But likewise you shouldn't be labeled by others as something you don't claim.
My loves therapist called me a "Situational Lesbian". So far this is the BEST answer I have gotten to that question. We are straight women, who love ONE other woman who started out with man parts. So for me that is what I am now... a Situational Lesbian. (I am imagining in my head telling my mother this.... o.O)
Thanks for all your input! Now everyone of you who have kids do they know your trans and are they excepting of it??? She said she didn't want any kids due to her being afraid of what they would think... Even if one day she decides she wants a baby with me she won't be able to produce any due to her estradiol injections... >:(
Quote from: Nikki59s~Girl on April 13, 2012, 07:48:49 PM
Thanks for all your input! Now everyone of you who have kids do they know your trans and are they excepting of it??? She said she didn't want any kids due to her being afraid of what they would think... Even if one day she decides she wants a baby with me she won't be able to produce any due to her estradiol injections... >:(
I have a 30 yo girl and 29 yo boy/girl twins, they do not know about that side of me yet and neither did their mother of course.
I have been seriously considering telling my youngest girl since she is the most understanding and progressive thinking...she is also the closest to me emotionally as well as geographically, still nervous about it and have been trying to figure out what to say first.
Quote from: Nikki59s~Girl on April 13, 2012, 07:48:49 PM
Thanks for all your input! Now everyone of you who have kids do they know your trans and are they excepting of it??? She said she didn't want any kids due to her being afraid of what they would think... Even if one day she decides she wants a baby with me she won't be able to produce any due to her estradiol injections... >:(
Well I have 4 so I will break it down for you:
#1 Girl-11 yrs old..thinks transition is the coolest thing since sliced bread..loves that daddy will do her nails etc
#2 Boy-9 yrs old..fine with it, wants to know the scientific explanation of EVERYTHING...This child scarred himself for life against ever having children by watching a youtube video of childbirth, afterwards he proclaimed "mommy, I will not be in the room when you have the baby!" We have refrained from allowing him on youtube or googling SRS
#3 Boy-6 yrs old..says its fine because its daddys life and everyone has the right to make their own decisions
#4 Girl-22 months..only gets freaked out when she leaves for work with her hat on.
The kids still refer to her as daddy for now, we havent come up with anything good for them to call her yet.
We have 2.
Boy 12 - is my strongest defender. Totally accepting. Told my therapist in a closed session that he didn't know what the big deal was, he was fine and why did everyone keep asking him over and over ;-)
Girl 8 - she was reluctant at first, but is completely on board. Loves that I will paint her nails since Shannon doesn't paint her own most of the time. Before FFS she was a bit uncomfortable if I wore a more revealing top or a skirt. After FFS without that visual disconnect she hasn't had a problem at all.
Sorry I'm posting instead of Shannon, but she is getting cleaned up and ready for bed. We've got around 48 chicks hatching this weekend and the brooder wasn't ready. I can't work around the dust without severely irritating my allergies. Then her and our son mowed a bit more on the yard. Between all the mess in the air, I've already had to use my prescription drops and will end up taking a Benadryl so I can breath tonight. I mentioned a couple of threads to her, but she is just ready to crash after getting cleaned up.
Maybe I can talk her into posting tomorrow. She really only jumps on if I ask her to, or like with I was in Chicago for my Dr Z surgery. Or if the SO's want to shoot her a Facebook message she is much more active there (if you look at my sig and her first name I'm sure you can find her - her profile pic used to be the other fae getting hand fasted in my avatar [leg sleeve tattoo], but she is using the JDRF shoe for now until the walk so we can hopefully raise a bit more [our son has Type 1 Diabetes]).
Our daughter decided I'm J-Mom. Shannon tried to get her to use Mom-J since it flowed better, but J-Mom has stuck and pretty much everyone uses it now.
Quote from: Nikki59s~Girl on April 13, 2012, 07:48:49 PM
Even if one day she decides she wants a baby with me she won't be able to produce any due to her estradiol injections... >:(
There is always banking some sperm while you can, just in case
well, when my girls were growing up and I was in "daddy mode" all the time back then, I would still take them shopping for clothes and of course they liked it when I would do their nails and hair and also drive them and their girlfriends around...they always thought they had the coolest dad around as none of their other friends dads would do that stuff ;) I understood "girl stuff" better than they ever knew!, Of course my son didnt get left out as we did guy stuff as well...when you think of it a trans parent can be the best of both genders when it comes to raising kids!
I am a natural born lesbian engaged to a FTM this does not make me straight....i am not in anyway attracted to men. but i love my fiance Nate. its difficult for me to "appear" straight and i have gotten alot of crap for it from other lesbians. (but then again most of these people are not very educated and define things rather strictly) I even had my ex-bestfriend scream at me at a friends house ans spit in my face because i was staying with Nate when he decided to transition. I love him. and personally, i feel that love and sexual orientation are two separate identifications. My sexual orientation is Lesbian and Proud but my heart is with Nate. and I am proud to be in love with a transman. :)
First, I would like to say that I completely agree that labels are not necessary and really should be used to the level of comfort of each individual.
Personally, I don't believe labels are very accurate representations of who or what any one person is. I think that labels allow individuals to more smoothly integrate into and function within society. Some people are more comfortable identifying as lesbian or straight because with that comes an entire set of behaviors, a language and a group that you are placed into by default. This is comfortable for many and quite possibly necessary for some. It is easier for someone to comprehend your sexuality and or gender if you place it somewhere in the gender dichotomy. We have forged a few labels in between male and female, but only in relation to their relative distance from cis.
In my opinion, I don't see how one label could accurately describe how your individual heart sees another human being. What word could describe how you love?
I personally identify as bisexual. This label is merely used as way to relate with my environment. My soon to be spouse is transitioning and I at one time identified as lesbian. Now, I see that it doesn't really matter to me what he identifies as, because my heart loves HIM for what he is as a whole. My heart doesn't love as a lesbian, bisexual or straight individual. My heart loves as a human being who is purely devoted to another.
Sorry for rambling, I am just really enthusiastic about gender studies. ::)
Hope this helps!
Quote from: LoveInMyEyes on April 26, 2012, 03:15:46 PM
In my opinion, I don't see how one label could accurately describe how your individual heart sees another human being. What word could describe how you love?
Exactly. I've decided my orientation is that of being sexually attracted to those I find sexually attractive. :) I think it's best to let the heart decide. If for me, that means it will forever decide to love women, and thus I'm straight, so be it. But it seems foolish to ignore it if it were to decide something else. I don't think you can always accurately predict who you'll fall for, but if you fall for someone, recognize it and embrace it.
In my life, I've been attracted to several women (fortunately the one who felt the same way was the one I married!). But there's a ton of women I've not been attracted to. Attraction is more than a label or a gender.