When I feel male, I feel really really happy. Why is that?
When I feel female, I usually feel unhappy and uncomfortable. This tends to be when it feels like my typically female body feels right in my face. Is that dysphoria?
I have trouble thinking of myself as a guy because my body feels right in my face and is undeniably typical for a female. Does that mean I am not a guy?
I wonder if I am trying to force myself to feel like a guy because feeling like a guy makes me feel happy. I don't want to force myself, but I want to feel happy. Maybe I should just feel happy being female. Why don't I feel happy being female?
Sometimes, I wonder if I feel female just because that's what everyone told me I was.
If you feel happy being male, then there should be nothing stopping you from being happy no matter what others say. Be yourself, do what makes you happy.
I, myself, am tired of lying to myself. I was born a female in a male body. I am comfortable with that, and I feel happier than I ever have in the 20 years I have been alive. Being happy is the most important thing to me and I wont let anything stop me from being happy for the rest of my life.
Good luck ;)
Quote from: Sarah7 on May 08, 2012, 11:21:01 PM
I grew up being told that there was no difference between boys and girls other than our physical bodies. And that I was a boy. Made me feel really ->-bleeped-<-ing insane 'cause I couldn't understand how I could not be okay with that. I mean if there was no difference, how could I possibly feel like something was wrong with being a boy?
Me too! Except that I'm physically a girl.
And if I played with a boy, the girls would interrogate me about the nature of our relationship.
Being young you have a lot of time to work things out. If you believe in the deepest part of your being that you are a guy, then you are one. That's basically how it works.
Unless of course, you really believe you are capable of being fluid, which is also perfectly valid.
Maybe settle for being a feminine guy who has everyone fooled, so you can hang out with whoever you feel like? Just a thought.
Karen.
I really would like to be a guy, but I can't ignore that I was 100% positive that I was female when I was 18 and 19. Then again, I was also very messed up at the time.
The deepest part of my being is being annoyingly confusing.
Have you tried meditation? Take the issue of your body out of the equation altogether. Get in touch with your inner-self and see how that person feels, free from physical consideration.
Who you are physically doesn't have to equate to who you are mentally.
I don't know how to meditate and get in touch with my inner self at the same time. Usually i end up going into a dissociative state which basically like sleeping awake. I wouldn't trust my mind anyway.
I wish there was some way to confirm that I'm male. I guess by wanting to be male that answers the question? Except what if I just want to be male and am not really? Does the fact that I don't know mean I can't be?
Maybe the 'fact that you dont know' just means that - that you dont know? which is okay. sure its confusing as all hel, but the fact that youre questioning it at all means something, just figuring out what is the "fun" part, though if something makes you happy, its worth trying out at the very least.
If I might ask a question:
Quote from: Edge on May 09, 2012, 06:58:53 PM
I wish there was some way to confirm that I'm male.
With regard to this, and something you said in your first post:
Quote from: Edge on May 08, 2012, 07:42:06 PM
When I feel male, I feel really really happy.
What does that feel like to you? What is it about it that makes you happy?
Quote from: Sephirah on May 09, 2012, 07:12:04 PM
If I might ask a question:
With regard to this, and something you said in your first post:
What does that feel like to you? What is it about it that makes you happy?
I don't know how to describe it or what about it makes me feel happy. It's like... when I think of myself, I think "male." I just feel really really happy. I feel more confident. It feels like it makes sense even though it doesn't. It feels like it fits right amongst the rest of me if that makes sense. Of course, this is only when I'm not full of doubt.
Also, the more I make myself look typically male, the more male I feel. The first time I wore a binder, I grinned like a maniac and I've been wearing one almost everyday since just because it felt so good not to have obvious boobs.
Quote from: Edge on May 09, 2012, 07:23:18 PM
I don't know how to describe it or what about it makes me feel happy. It's like... when I think of myself, I think "male." I just feel really really happy. I feel more confident. It feels like it makes sense even though it doesn't. It feels like it fits right amongst the rest of me if that makes sense. Of course, this is only when I'm not full of doubt.
Also, the more I make myself look typically male, the more male I feel. The first time I wore a binder, I grinned like a maniac and I've been wearing one almost everyday since just because it felt so good not to have obvious boobs.
Okay. Another question, for this:
Quote from: Edge on May 08, 2012, 07:42:06 PM
When I feel female, I usually feel unhappy and uncomfortable.
How do those feelings manifest themselves? And are they on the same depth as the feelings you experience when seeing yourself as male?
Quote from: Sephirah on May 09, 2012, 07:29:08 PM
Okay. Another question, for this:
How do those feelings manifest themselves? And are they on the same depth as the feelings you experience when seeing yourself as male?
I usually feel self doubt, self hatred because of the self doubt, confusion, stuff like that. I can't tell if they on the same depth or not. My feelings of being female are not (at least, not anymore), but that might be because I despise and am terrified of the idea that what I felt as male wasn't real.
That's pretty much all I feel as female these days. I feel alright considering myself as bigender some of the time, but the problem is I only feel alright with it when I feel male which is kind of messed up. Or maybe it's just because feeling male makes me feel less insane and more confident.
The answer seems pretty clear to me, hon.
The thing about gender, in my experience, is that it's just as much (if not more) about how you feel as what you think. Feelings and emotions are more primal than thoughts. They come from a place before words. Before the concepts used to put them into thoughts. Call it instinct.
From what you've said about how you feel when you see yourself as both genders, the differences between each one. What do your instincts tell you? What feels more intuitively likely? Don't think about it for a second, and just allow yourself to feel the emotions that go with feeling male, or feeling female... and then answer which of those feels more like it can allow you to express your true self.
Quote from: Sephirah on May 09, 2012, 07:58:09 PM
What do your instincts tell you? What feels more intuitively likely?
My instincts don't tell me anything other than I am thirsty and should go get some water.
Quote from: Sephirah on May 09, 2012, 07:58:09 PMand then answer which of those feels more like it can allow you to express your true self.
Male.
Okay. Then there's one final thing I have to say.
It's not about who you want to be. It's about who you already are. The convergence of your outward expression and your inward identity may be an aspiration, something you want to be seen to be... but that internal identity itself isn't. At least... that's what I think. :)
I know that. But how can I tell if I am a guy or just some stupid girl who wants to be one?
Quote from: Edge on May 09, 2012, 08:22:27 PM
I know that. But how can I tell if I am a guy or just some stupid girl who wants to be one?
Listen to your heart instead of your head.
I don't know how. Thank you very much for helping me though.
Quote from: Edge on May 09, 2012, 08:22:27 PM
I know that. But how can I tell if I am a guy or just some stupid girl who wants to be one?
You can't. At some point you make a leap of faith and do what feels right.
And listen to how you phrase things. "Just some stupid girl"? Does that sound like a part of you that is trying to do you a favour? Or a part of you that is trying to hurt you, a part of you that HATES you. I used to tell myself over and over that I was a monster, useless, worthless, fake. That I was a pretend girl, that it was just an illusion, a delusion. ->-bleeped-<- that.
These days I celebrate my artificiality. My medically and surgically reconstructed body. My reconstructed life. I don't care anymore about whether I'm a real girl or just some stupid boy who wants to be one. I can be happy now. It doesn't HURT now. That's all that really matters.
You have a good point there. lol I guess I would rather be right than happy, but that doesn't help me any. Alright. Leap of faith it is.
Except I read that gender identity doesn't change after three years old and I used to think I was female. Crap.
And if I turn out to be female again, everyone (myself included) will hate me for being a stupid fake.
Quote from: Edge on May 09, 2012, 09:32:25 PM
You have a good point there. lol I guess I would rather be right than happy, but that doesn't help me any. Alright. Leap of faith it is.
Except I read that gender identity doesn't change after three years old and I used to think I was female. Crap.
And if I turn out to be female again, everyone (myself included) will hate me for being a stupid fake.
And I used to believe everyone who told me I was male. Doesn't make me any less female.
This seems a little bit unfair on you... be perfect or you are fake? Are you never allowed to make a mistake? To try something in order to see if it feels right?
How about celebrating that you were brave enough to look for answers in the first place? That you were willing to risk being wrong?
If you change your marker back to female, I'm not going to hate you or think you are a "stupid fake." I'm just going to think you are working ->-bleeped-<- through in your own way, in your own time. I do think you need to work on trying to be a bit nicer to yourself though.
Quote from: Sarah7 on May 10, 2012, 09:27:08 AM
This seems a little bit unfair on you... be perfect or you are fake? Are you never allowed to make a mistake? To try something in order to see if it feels right?
How about celebrating that you were brave enough to look for answers in the first place? That you were willing to risk being wrong?
It is unfair on me. That doesn't make it any less my reality. I have never been allowed to make mistakes before no matter what group of people I was around. Lots of people who claimed I could. None in practice. If I'm wrong, I will never be able to live it down. I haven't been able to live down any of my other mistakes.
Okay, first off I'm new to this forum so hello! I'm an FTM who has been where you are.
Look, first and foremost, don't believe everything you read online (in reference to your comment about gender identities not changing past age three). Do you remember ever having an identity crisis, or any crisis for that matter from when you were three? I know I don't. I don't remember anything from when I was three. So if you were to rely on that internet posting, who exactly is assigning that three year old his/her gender identity? I seriously doubt it is the three year old. I myself identified as female for my childhood simply because I didn't know there was any other option. I remember looking back how certain things were different about me as a child but to say I knew something was amiss on the scale it was until I was much older would be a lie. It takes lots of time and thought to evaluate yourself and how you feel and from what I'm gathering I don't think you've given yourself enough time even though it may feel like an eternity.
Secondly, you have to give yourself the opportunity to try and not worry about who "lets you live it down". While many people will not understand or even support you, if you want the self torture and wondering to end, YOU have to reach the point where you put your own needs ahead of what everyone else thinks or will hold over your head. Furthermore, why are you surrounding yourself with people who would hold something of this magnitude over your head to begin with?? Those are the people who will hold you back regardless of what it is that you attempt and then, should you fail, rub it in your face. It isn't always easy to find the separation needed to give yourself the freedom to be yourself, but it is absolutely necessary. Allow yourself to be yourself first and the rest will come to you with time and thought. That's simply the best advice that I can give you.