Hi! This is my first time ever posting on any site related to LGBT issues. I tend to try to avoid them to avoid being reminded of my issues (though I have read a lot over the years), but I am very curious about a specific subject. The only reason I'm not posting this in "Introductions" is because this really not about me (though I've included as much information as possible to increase the likelihood of this information helping somebody in a very, very similar situation) but the subject. It is fairly controversial because of the crazies out there who sometimes pop up and try to force "cures" on people, but I want to make it clear that is not my intent.
So, I'm probably transgendered (specifically transsexual, hence the subforum). I say "probably" because I'm a skeptic at heart. I'm bad at understanding my own emotions because I can't compare them against a baseline and I'm a very mathematical person. I had some issues with depression for a few years (a moderate to severe case of "atypical depression"). I'm finally learning to manage it better, but I think a large part of my recovery was based on a medication I'm taking: Bupropion (specifically Wellbutrin XL).
My reaction to this Wellbutrin XL has been bizarre. I had an allergic reaction to it about one week in (hives all over and non-stop mucus running down my throat). Also, the side effects were mixed (well this part is fairly normal) - some were awful and others were great. I had to drink something like every hour to prevent myself from dying of thirst (which then resulting in having to pee like twice as much), sleeping for more than 4 hours per day was impossible (though this did give me more time to study :)), and my hunger level was reduced to the point where a yogurt was filling for 24 hours (this coming from a person who used to eat 8-10 pieces of pizza before I was full), but life was so much better. I had energy, focus, and most importantly "a drive" to do things. I also quickly noticed an additional effect: the difficult to describe "feeling of wrongness" was strongly repressed. I'd say it was probably 75% repressed. I still had a longing to be the other gender, but it was different somehow. It's very difficult to describe past emotions and compare them to present emotions, at least for me anyway.
In total, I was on the medication for about two weeks. My doctor discontinued the medication, and within two weeks I was doing quite badly again. She tried me on Wellbutrin (regular) and I had no changes after two weeks. She then tried Wellbutrin SR at a medium dose and I again felt nothing (no repression, no side effects, no allergies, nothing). We were baffled since they are the same thing chemically with only the slightest alterations in structure and delivery method (short-term vs long-term). At my request (since there was no real alternative), she allowed me to continue the original Wellbutrin XL as long as I had regular blood tests. I lived through the two weeks with lots of Benedryll (hives = not fun). Oddly enough, the allergic effects subsided after two weeks. My liver enzymes were awful the first time (within the two weeks), but the second time (afterwards) they were fine. My doctor assumed that my body had adapted to the medication and considered the matter closed. I did not tell her about the effects on my GID emotions (though I think I will the next time I see her).
However, I am still quite interested in the exact effects of this medication on me. It has been 6 months since I started the medication for the second time. Note that I'm no medical expert (actually I know pretty much only what I remember from AP Biology which is not a lot) and the following few sentences are all entirely speculation, but I think that this specific drug might be interacting with my body in a way that is similar to the experience of "correctness" that many feel after starting HRT but before they fully transition. That is also a drug-induced reaction. Obviously, HRT has much different changes and most of it is completely unrelated. I wonder if, instead of altering the hormones which alter the brain, the Wellbutrin XL has simply altered the brain/emotions directly. I mean, it makes sense that it should someday be possible to provide some temporary relief from GID by tricking the body or the brain into thinking that you have already done HRT. I am not in a situation where I can transition right now (I'll spare you the typical "still dependent on parents/college student" story), nevermind HRT or SRS. I know there is a forum for that, but from a cursory glance that is almost entirely people who are on HRT or have transitioned without it (though if there is a better place, go ahead and move this). This medication has been a life saver by giving me the strength to continue despite my issues until I get to a point where I DO have the resources and time to address them (because they are still there, even if somewhat muted).
I imagine one possible response to this post is that I'm not really a transsexual; you might think I'm socially phobic and transposing my own social inadequacies on my gender or that my condition is less real somehow. I'm willing to accept those types of arguments as possibilities, but I don't think it is very likely. It's also a pretty difficult argument to make a case for because there really is no metric for being a transsexual besides your own emotions anyway, which are completely subjective (this is the conclusion I came to when I realized I would never have a 'definitive' answer to whether I was a transsexual besides perhaps trying HRT for myself).
So I'm looking to gain several things by posting this here. Firstly, more perspectives on an issue are always good. I also would love to hear if somebody else has had a similar experience with a non-HRT medication (to a smaller degree, different medication, anything), and I would be thankful if others could describe their experiences with GID-related emotions before HRT, during (in detail) HRT, and post-transition.
Thank you all for your time.
Hm, when I was in a depression low, two years ago, I did take Wellbutrin XL. It helped me in a similar way as what you describe: I was more stimulated into doing things, and less prone to think about what was wrong about myself. Well, that combined with the fact that I was into a (bad) group therapy with nurses, a social worker and a doctor, who were all doing every effort to convince me that my problems were entirely unrelated to transsexualism.
But, well, it was a temporary fix. It made me not think about it so much, but whenever I actually thought about myself, the same feelings were there. And when I stopped the medication because I realised it was just running away from the issue (and I couldn't be on an antidepressant forever), of course, the feelings were undented; even stronger, confirmed, in a way.
(Though I AM grateful for losing 50 pounds thanks to those medications.)
On another field, I'd like to ask why transition is so impossible for you right now? You know, in most cases, it goes well with parents. And even if you don't transition right now, seeing a therapist and/or getting blockers will give you a head start if/when you decide to do so. In almost all aspects, in almost all cases, the less you wait, the better it is.
Quote from: A on May 14, 2012, 05:31:09 PMOn another field, I'd like to ask why transition is so impossible for you right now? You know, in most cases, it goes well with parents. And even if you don't transition right now, seeing a therapist and/or getting blockers will give you a head start if/when you decide to do so. In almost all aspects, in almost all cases, the less you wait, the better it is.
I actually have seen many therapists and am seeing a therapist right now. I first had depression at like age 7, when I got would worry about death constantly (especially of those close to me). I was obsessed with it and could not really function. I was put on to anti-depressants when I was extremely young. I think by 11 I was at the max dose for my weight size of Effexor XR. That worked for the death issue (and it still does - I've had experiences where I have missed a few doses and it comes back) but other issues (particularly in middle school) led to depression. I graduated High School with great success in those four years. It was pretty perfect. The courses were actually interesting to me and I was in with other AP students so my oddities were not unique (or at least I was one person with some conditions amongst 30 other people who had different conditions). In college though, I fell apart (University of Florida).
The main issue is that I'm behind the curve developmentally (learning to drive at age 22) and cannot really function by myself at the moment. Eventually, I will get there, but it will take me more time than most. I'm also extremely resistant to change, extremely concerned with others' opinions, and extremely concerned with finding a potential partner (the way I see it, going from a 'meh'-looking heterosexual man to an ugly homosexual trans-woman reduces the pool of potential mates by probably 90% if not more). But I have to do one thing at a time. I'm not a good enough person (my therapist would not be happy with that phrase) to be able to learn to drive and then take 4 classes for 4 semesters straight (halfway done with a 4-year degree) while transitioning, trying to learn to date (I have never even hit on someone once), and learning how to function independently at the same time. Driving and one class this summer, college (probably 2 classes at a time at first), and then decisions.
And that's ignoring the fact that I could not hold down a job at my current level of functioning (well, a 8-5 job doing X menial task would be impossible for me but something like an online job would work maybe) and my parents are stuck with two houses and are unable to sell either (e.g. they have no money since it is stuck in the damn real estate), there are no funds to transition with. Also, while not overly supportive (my mom said she'll love me no matter what, then of course tried to convince me I was wrong), my parents at least wouldn't do anything negative towards me if I decided to transition.
I'm sorry to hear this. Part of what you say really resonates with my own story, so I think I can understand how you feel, and feel extremely sorry that you look like you have many of the exact same issues as I, only they seem much worse for you... I mean, if I've been having a hard time, what about you?
But nevertheless, I really want to praise your courage going through all this. It may be a little unrealistic, but I hope things get better very soon.
Oh, and be careful about dating. I won't try to discourage you from it, since it can be a great source of happiness, but for me, due to my transsexualism, the very little experience I had was just like putting my hand on a red stove just to make sure it really is hot, and I still keep bad memories just from a single semi-forced kiss, and a hand on her hips. I regret accepting to do so despite my very strong feeling against it. So go for it it you really feel it's for the best, but definitely don't force yourself. It's not true that you "learn to like" some things.
Quote from: PossiblyAlexis on May 14, 2012, 04:09:46 PM
I wonder if, instead of altering the hormones which alter the brain, the Wellbutrin XL has simply altered the brain/emotions directly.
I think it has, yes.
This anti-depressant affects the amount of dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is associated with feelings of pleasure and happiness. The drug inhibits the nerves ability to recycle the neurotransmitter, allowing more of it to impact on the receptors within your brain, illiciting these emotions.
It's not entirely surprising that it would allow you similar feelings to those undertaken when starting HRT, since doing so allows the individual a psychological feeling of working towards the goal of becoming themselves, and this in turn releases dopamine as a sort of reward. It makes you feel good because you're achieving something you set out to do.
The medication would make you less chemically depressed. Which I think dysphoria causes some pretty heavy depression. If there is a thick line drawn between the two. It would take some pretty petty things to launch me into a dysphoria depression frenzy (but more like sloth)
I don't really experience dysphoria after exercising (but I can) due to the increase serotonin production that you get from moving around a lot.
Thanks for the responses all! :) Despite part of the emotion being masked, when I think about if I had to choose between magically being equally effective (passing-wise) at cis-male or trans-female, I would pick trans-female every day of the week.
The medication works strangely for me as well - it loses its effectiveness gradually after 4 weeks. A couple months in I noticed a pattern in that when I missed a dose, the next dose was much stronger (it also reset the allergic reaction, though I haven't got hives for more than a day since the first time).
My current idea (tested in practice only once so far) is that I should take it at the prescribed dose for 4-5 weeks, then stop taking it for 2 days, then start back at the prescribed dose like nothing happened. It worked wonderfully the one time I did it. I feel very anxious while on it, but honestly there isn't a whole lot worse than crippling depression. I would probably accept side effects much much worse than these to be cis
I was on 4 antidepressants before starting HRT. None of them was Wellbutrin. I had some of the same symptoms but with a nasty slothiness on some of these. I didn't get much done during the time I was on them. They lowered some of the emotions, but they were still there including my GID.
My experience on HRT thus far for the past 18 months was unusual to say the least compared to the anecdotal evidence I find on these forums. I do not have the the mood swings as stated on these forums with those using the same regimen that I am taking. The depression went away since and hasn't returned, a record here. Also there is some muscle mass gain since the third month on HRT that most others said on this forum there was a loss. My Dr. said that it was due possibly of too much T in my system as an adult that caused me lacking with the skeletal muscles. I had no boobs nor pecs. The herbals I took before only increased my GID emotions.
Most, despite the mood swings caused by the HRT, said there was a calming after taking the stuff. Others said it only made the GID worse for a while then calmed down, a few said it did not make a difference despite the proper T and E levels and the physical changes caused by the HRT.
HRT was the only thing that worked here, but your experience will more likely vary.
Take the female HRT only when you are ready! Intermittent use of hormones, including the thyroid stuff my Dr. just gave me will give you more problems than you bargained for. You may have to take it for life. It may cause permanent sterility after 8 months to a year. Sperm banking before is advised if you are young before starting. I was 58 when I started, too old to raise children.
Joelene