Living in a small town its not easy to do the transitioning. I live in town where its ok to be lesbian, or even butch lesbian, but you can NOT be FtM or MtF. If you are, you are chased out of town within that year.
I have lived in this town all my life and they knew me as a female, as I got older I was more very butchy, was into sports and loved tinkering on my car or any excuse to use my tools was great for me.
But about a year ago I decided that I was not happy. I hated myself and knew that I could no longer hide behind the vaile of what others want or feel comfortable with.
My best friend of 10 yrs has stood with me and said she never saw me anyway but as a man. My voice has always been lower and I have had muscle tone more then most woman.
I have 2 awesome boys. both in there 20s and one is disabled. he lives 3 hours away and moving closer to me in a group home setting 20 miles away. My mother is VERY Christian and not so much accepted with me when I was lesbian bit tolerated it. She was ok as long as I DIDN'T have a gf.
She doesn't know of me wanting to be FtM. It would probably stroke her out.
My gf lives in NY and I have visited there before and there is such a open community with jobs (which none are here btw), Drs, Clinics for Transgenders. People don't look at you like you have 3 heads.
I am going up next month to be with her for about a week. Then along with site seeing I am looking for jobs and housing. Just checking things out.
Staying here in this town I do not have the help, medical, or counselling. I was self Medicated with the Ts, but money has ran out and now I am off of them. My transitioning has stopped. And now I feel deformed, and broken. I dont feel real, and thoughts of why was even born, whats wrong with me?? and even though my best friend has said you will be fine and my gf holding me close and willing to move mountains to see me happy in NY, helping with housing, and money if need be..
My son is here and moving into a group home, and my mom will say I am neglecting him and leaving him., I always stayed here in this state because of him, always saying I would never leave him... I feel like a bad parent because I am wanting to move states away. Yes to have a good job and be healthy and happy, but am I being a bad person for leaving?? I just know I am becoming more depressed and feeling like I am ugly and deformed. I just don't know what to do now.
I think it's called a new start, hon. You can be an even better parent (I know you're a great parent already!) once you're a happy human being. It's OK to want to take care of you. Hugs, Devlyn