A year and a half ago I became friends with a guy on a guitar forum and yesterday we met for the first time in person when he came over to check out my home studio since he is interested in learning more about that kind of thing and maybe record some music with me. While we were talking online a few weeks ago the subject of being trans came up after the news of Laura Jane Grace of Against Me! broke, and stupid me confided in him that I was trans. He was totally cool with it and had no problem with it, but now all of a sudden he has started to refer to me as buddy and dude and such and it is totally messing me up. All of a sudden my self confidence is shot to pieces and I'm totally paranoid and wondering if I'm completely self delusional :-\
I seriously regret telling him about being trans now because no-one ever seems to know anyway, not even my husbands conservative parents show any signs of knowing and the nurses at my doctors office keep asking me if I'm pregnant when they draw blood for tests, so now I'm wondering whats up with this guy and why he keeps doing this. Is it normal guys to call us buddy, dude, man etc. just because they are in the know? It is totally annoying and it's making me depressed because I can't tell if he's doing it because of me telling him or if it's because of how I came off when we met in person ???
Oh btw, I'm new here, so hi everyone :)
*hugs* That sucks. It does seem like he's filed you under "male friend" in his mind, He might not even mean to hurt your feelings. It's possible he took you telling him as a sign that that was okay to start doing that.
I mean, it's clearly not the case in reality, but maybe when he heard trans he heard "I'm really a guy." which I could see being something a guy would hear, and even though he's cool with it, that's still how he interrupted it, so he thinks you okay'd using male pronouns, ect with him becasue you two are good friends.
That's just my opinion though, x3
It's nice to meet you MariaMx ^-^
Hi, Maria, and welcome. You might want to consider posting your bio in the "Introductions" section.
With respect to your post, the use of "bud" or "buddy" is less concerning than "dude." "Dude" indicates your friend sees you as a guy. It is perfectly appropriate to correct it next time it happens. Nicely, of course.
Reading between the lines, it sounds as if you are a fully transitioned woman. That is what you have worked for; that is how you should be treated.
Quote from: SourCandy on May 29, 2012, 03:34:05 PM
I mean, it's clearly not the case in reality, but maybe when he heard trans he heard "I'm really a guy." which I could see being something a guy would hear, and even though he's cool with it, that's still how he interrupted it, so he thinks you okay'd using male pronouns, ect with him becasue you two are good friends.
This is kind of what I'm thinking too, but it just seems so weird. I don't understand how he can think this is okay and that I would be fine with it.
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It's nice to meet you MariaMx ^-^
Nice to meet you too :)
*shrugs* If it's new behavior then tell him to chill. If it's an in person thing though (as opposed to any other IRL conversation before) I'm whatever on it as my girlfriends and I throw 'dude' around too just 'cause.
I have heard quite a few women and men refer to each other as dude or buddy. In some circles it has nothing to do with the gender of the person. With that said, I do not like being called dude even though I present male.
BTW, nice to meet you Maria.
Quote from: Jamie D on May 29, 2012, 03:41:52 PM
Hi, Maria, and welcome. You might want to consider posting your bio in the "Introductions" section.
Thank you. I will do that.
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With respect to your post, the use of "bud" or "buddy" is less concerning than "dude." "Dude" indicates your friend sees you as a guy. It is perfectly appropriate to correct it next time it happens. Nicely, of course.
Well, it's not those exact words he's using but rather the equivalent in my native language, Norwegian, and they are exclusively used when referring to someone who is male. I am planning to have a word with him about this if it happens again. I was just too perplexed by it to mention anything while on the chat with him earlier today.
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Reading between the lines, it sounds as if you are a fully transitioned woman. That is what you have worked for; that is how you should be treated.
Coming up on 9 years since my transition now, so most definitely, yes.
Interestingly enough this has happened to me a few times within the past few months, enough where it's a noticeable behavioral pattern.
I believe those who've said this to me are uncomfortable with the prospect, irrespective of what they say on the outside. They're still friendly to me, pleasant, professional, etc., but still...I feel the same way when it happens, even though I'm not even on HRT yet.
I'm trying my best to just shrug to myself and say "whatever" to deal with it. I know it might not apply in your scenario, being nine years into things, but at least you're not alone in these feelings.
My brother has known for quite a while and he still calls me buddy and dude. I actually don't mind being called buddy so much, but "dude" is a definite no for me.
I would for sure tell him that you don't like it, and give it time.
By the way, HELLO!! :D
Now that I know your native language, I would definitely say something to him. He either does not get it, or is intentionally being rude.
Or he thought you meant you were FtM, and he's just trying to be extra-nice. :P
Thank you all so much for your replies :)
He certainly knows I'm not ftm (although I remember someone actually thinking that once while I was in the thick of my transition). He's a really nice guy so I don't think he's being intentionally rude and it's something new now after I told him about me. He never said anything like that before and we have been chatting online for about a year and a half. I'm almost getting the feeling he doesn't even know he's doing it, which in some ways I find even more disturbing than someone doing it on purpose, hence todays sudden paranoia and loss of self-confidence :(
I was actually quiet upset earlier today. Luckily I have a wonderful husband that comforted me, but even after all this time we've spent together (had our 6 year anniversary just last week, hehe) it's difficult for him to understand exactly how and why this sort of thing bothers me so much. I've had friends that changed their name, but only for the reason that they didn't like their name. At first it's easy to get it wrong, as happened a lot with both name and pronouns during transition (especially early on). But unlike the friend that got annoyed when I would forget to use their new name it goes so much deeper for us that are trans, yet most people seem to think the two situations (the friend with the new name and us with the new pronoun) are somehow the same.
My friends and family would get it wrong occasionally even after as much as 1 1/2 years into transition! I would often times get visibly upset and they would smooth over it by telling me how ingrained the male pronoun was and how hard it was to remember to get it right every time. They were completely clueless to the root cause of me being upset. It wasn't so much hearing the wrong pronoun that bothered me so much but rather the suspicion that the times they got it right was all an act on their part. My true resentment was not aimed at them but rather towards myself for possibly not succeeding in reaching my goals.
I think the hardest part of transition was the fear and uncertainty of whether things would turn out okay or not in the end, and then to have friends and family pretty much confirm they were just humoring me....well, it was not a good feeling. Total paranoia. To this day I still don't think anyone actually understood how this all made me feel. Even my husband seem to miss the point whenever I try to explain it so maybe it's on of those things that has to be experienced to be understood.
In the end though things turned out okay though. I reached my goal and I know that the people around me now truly see me for who I am. The fact of the mater is that they never ever get it wrong anymore simply because they are no longer try, they just do. Today however, when my friend start referring to me with the equivalent of "dude" and "buddy" all of a sudden, it takes me right back to the miserable place I was in way back then and that is why I find the seeming no intention of it so disturbing.
I feel like if it's causing you distress, you should ask him to stop next time he does it, and explain that it hurts your feelings.
I doubt he'll get the hint otherwise.
Yes "Buddy" is something I've been called by someone who knew me in the building where I work. I just decided it wasn't really worth talking to him any more, and doing that would save me the trouble of thinking about it. The irritating things about "buddy" for me are: 1) it is definitely male to male talk, and 2) You wouldn't want to be any kind of buddy with annoying people like that to start with, so they are being presumptuous!
One guy here says "man" and "dude" all the time talking to me (US West Coast), but sometimes I think the "dude" is just his way of saying "um". I've yet to hear how he speaks to other women, but if I catch him not doing the "man" and "dude" thing with them then I'll pull him up about it.
I call everybody ''dude''
even my cat xD
There are all kinds of people in the world who say all sorts of things. Some women even call their female friends dude, apparently some guys (my experience) refer to women as "buddy".
What you did wrong was confide in your friend.
Because you confided in him you are now questioning the words he is using. It is possible that he is referring to you as dude and buddy to remind himself that he can't be intimate with you because he is afraid how that would make him feel given what he knows about you. It is possible he feels he could only "get-with-you" if he was gay or that getting with you would make him gay. Therefore he may be reminding himself that you are taboo or off limits. Referring to you with male-sounding terminologies is his "note-to-self".
Things like this are the reason I question people who transitioned who say they are out to some people but not to others. I would think that it would only take a very short amount of time to realize that being out as trans is very corrosive to being female or being male (as in true sex, not birth sex).
I guess most people are just more fluid than I am and don't notice the subtle and not so subtle differences in treatment. I can't imagine anyone wanting to out them self as trans after experiencing life as their true sex on a meaningful level.
So if you want to take responsibility for this I would advise that you remove him from the picture by moving or no longer contacting him and don't share information about your past that fails to represent you for who and what you really are. People who have trans as part of their identity probably won't mind sharing they transitioned. People who have a gender as an important part of their identity will often find that "trans" will prevent them from experiencing life the way they desire.
Seen dude used all the time between two girls.
Buddy not so much.
Quote from: Kelly-087 on May 30, 2012, 06:01:57 PM
Seen dude used all the time between two girls.
Buddy not so much.
ditto except buddy was
never used for girls.
Hmm, there are a couple people who knew me before that use a lot of "dude" and "bro" and things like that towards me.
It really doesn't bother me because I think it is more about them struggling with what I am and has nothing to do with me really. I am obviously not a "dude" or "bro"... like, they would never actually do "bro" stuff with me. Like slapping me on the back or expect me to be cool getting dirty or lifting something or even touching me would be things they would never do.
Haha, I actually saw romantically one guy that would sometimes call me "man" (it would kind of slip out, and he definitely didn't consider himself gay). It would always make me laugh, because he just really didn't know what to make of me (other than he was really attracted to me ~_~).
Then again, I'm pretty comfortable being what I am. I have no problem going "oh yup, I'm just a normal guy" (because, well, I'm obviously not).
Maybe in a few more years after living full-time longer I will get more attached to the idea that I am "really a woman"... but for now I just don't care too much. It all seems like a silly issue of semantics to me.
Around here words like dude and guys are generic too. Now I haven't heard buddy used for women much though.
Quote from: Jeneva on May 31, 2012, 09:26:57 AM
Around here words like dude and guys are generic too. Now I haven't heard buddy used for women much though.
Only when quoting South Park!
"See you later, buddy!"
"I'm not your buddy, guy!"
"I'm not your guy, friend!"
"I'm not your friend, buddy!" etc
So maybe it's a Canadian thing >:-)
Considering how Randy the American Idol judge calls even the cutsie teen girls "Dude", "Dawg", "Man" and what ever else he can think of, I wonder if its just those words are so much of the English lexicon anymore
However, in your language and by how you you are taking it, it appears to mean just how it sounds...just be up front with him, that might do the trick
Quote from: MariaMx on May 29, 2012, 03:14:05 PM
A year and a half ago I became friends with a guy on a guitar forum and yesterday we met for the first time in person when he came over to check out my home studio since he is interested in learning more about that kind of thing and maybe record some music with me. While we were talking online a few weeks ago the subject of being trans came up after the news of Laura Jane Grace of Against Me! broke, and stupid me confided in him that I was trans. He was totally cool with it and had no problem with it, but now all of a sudden he has started to refer to me as buddy and dude and such and it is totally messing me up. All of a sudden my self confidence is shot to pieces and I'm totally paranoid and wondering if I'm completely self delusional :-\
He's calling you 'dude' and 'buddy' on purpose now he knows your trans to wind you up! he's not trying to work with it, he's probably poking fun at you which isn't very nice.
I can totally relate to your situation, cause it's happening to me at the moment.
I really like this guy and he knows I'm transitioning and since we used to work together we go out to the pub quite alot.
Thing is, when he text messages me, he seems to use buddy quite a lot, and quite franky it upsets me. It purely is a male to male lingo, and I fear it comes from his fear itself. I'd really like him to be comfortable around me, as I'd hate to think that I'd make anyone uncomfortable, let alone someone I care about.
Point is I am going to tell him the next time we catch up. I think it is the type of conversation that needs to be done face to face because it is an emotional one for me. And I'd really like to gauge his reaction to double check that there's no malice behind it.
If it upsets you, you must say something. Life is too short and too difficult on itself, to add obstacles in the way
Love Jenny
Oxoxo