I have been lurking a bit before deciding to actively participate, and I would like to say that it is a pleasure to make all of your acquaintances!
I am a MTF that still presents as male (pre-everything), and would love the chance to be considered a part of the community. I certainly have a story to tell!
Welcome! This is an amazing place to tell your story and seek advice. :)
Lay it on us :)
-Cami
Flandre, glad you decided to join us!
For new members, please be sure to review
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- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
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- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
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If you have not done so already, you might want to take a look at out wikis about the transition process.
BTW - nice new avatar, Cami
Hi welcome to Susans! :) By all means share your story when ready.
Thanks Jamie! Just taken yesterday :)
Quote from: The Original Cami on May 30, 2012, 09:45:53 PM
Thanks Jamie! Just taken yesterday :)
Get thee over to the "You look fabulous" thread!
Welcome. Now you have me interested in your story. Do tell.
Quote from: Brooke777 on May 30, 2012, 10:00:01 PM
Welcome. Now you have me interested in your story. Do tell.
I wasn't planning on sharing it tonight because telling it would take a while, and I am getting a little sleepy! ^u^
Without going into too much detail, it is a military coming-out-to-myself story with an honorable discharge crash ending. I could not bring myself to mention my gender dysphoria to them, though.
Oh, a teaser, huh?
Waiting on pins and needles. BTW - we have quite a few members here with military experiences, all over the world.
Welcome aboard, stand easy and tell us your tale when you are ready.
Karen.
Being former military myself, I am even more interested. If/when you feel comfortable, I would love to know your story.
Would it be better for me to share in some other part of the forums, rather than here in 'Introductions'?
Quote from: Flandre on May 31, 2012, 11:54:43 AM
Would it be better for me to share in some other part of the forums, rather than here in 'Introductions'?
When you get 15 or more posts, you will have access to the "Just for us" forum. That is a little more secluded and not open to the general public to view.
Your introduction is all about you! Use it however you feel most comfortable.
Welcome to Susans, Flandre! Thank you for your service, warrior. I'm interested in your story, too. Hugs, Devlyn
Okay, I'll tell it here. I really didn't intend to bait and tease you guys last night, but I just wanted to introduce myself before I went to sleep. Also, it is a sad story! My childhood was a bit rough, but it feels almost selfish of me to think that. I want to get it off of my chest badly, though. I need to vent.
So as I've said in my first post, I present as male, and have only chosen to come out to my immediate family and some choice close friends. As can be expected, not many of those I have told really understand what I mean, but I have not made any attempt to explain it to those who don't. Although I can't say I enjoy spreading my own labels around, it might help to know that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at the age of two, but it's unofficial now that no record can be found of the diagnosis. I have come to terms with it, and with some effort, have stifled it to the point that it is not obvious to anyone but myself and my family. My method of coping with stress was mostly to seclude myself and turn the world off by reading books (in a fashion, mental anesthesia).
In retrospect, much of my early childhood was a surreal experience. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother has progressive Multiple Sclerosis. In the time prior to their divorce, I was at my happiest, and it was about the age of 9 that I first strongly wished that I was a girl. Every night I would hope to wake up as one the next morning, for no absolute reason at all. I never questioned why this was the case (or why I was more comfortable around girls than boys), but the divorce of my parents, and the subsequent onset of puberty relinquished that from my mind.
My mother, two sisters and myself left the household of my paternal grandfather, and became homeless at a local homeless shelter in Miami. At about the same time, I started middle school, and joined the school band. I was already cognisant of my choice to play the flute long beforehand (the choice was easy). Simply, I loved how delicate it looked and how pretty it sounded. For the year that I lived in the shelter, I lived and crossed between two different worlds and lifestyles daily, going to school, and returning (halfheartedly) to the shelter by bus. In school, my main group of friends were mostly the other girls in the flute section, but the friendships never extended beyond school hours due to my sub-par home-life. As an unfortunate side-effect of gender-stereotyping (girls play the flute, boys play the trumpet, etc.), and for reasons I probably was not aware of, I was called gay regularly. I would disagree and protest a little, but it did little good. They were adamant. My family did eventually move into a cheap apartment, but I actively continued to separate the school and home environments.
Things took a turn for the worse when my mother's Multiple Sclerosis put her in the hospital for several days while I was in the eighth grade; my sisters and I were removed from my mother's custody and placed in the foster care system. My sisters and I were separated--they were sent to a Spanish-speaking household, and I was sent to a group home. I was entirely uncomfortable with the idea of living in a commune-like setting with guys (especially those who were in the group home for being troublemakers), and I eventually requested that I be sent to a household similarly to my sisters. The system obliged, and I was sent to another Spanish-speaking household. It was here that I finished the school year with horrid grades. In total, I was in the foster system for five months while my mother was fighting for our custody, and in the end, the four of us were back in the homeless shelter. We did not leave until after I started high school.
From being homeless, we eventually moved back up into another cheap apartment in a bad neighborhood. We scraped by in this apartment on our own for a while, and then my mom found a boyfriend. Things changed quickly the moment he moved in with us. My mother was infatuated with him, and he seemed to be as much so with her--or at least convincing enough to keep me from raising my guard against him, as I usually do around other males. I will remind you all that I was quite an unusual child. I never really appraised myself at the time, but I was an extremely reserved effeminate pre-teen/early teenager, and did not consider my own qualities a factor in his desire (or absence thereof) to be a father-figure to me. I cautiously accepted him, and then money started disappearing. I was my mother's prime suspect, and while I stated otherwise, I did not consider that it might have been her boyfriend who was stealing the money, and framing me for it. At first, it was small amounts, and I would be grounded for moderate lengths of time, on and off (about a week or so, every two weeks). Eventually, it had gotten to the point where my mother was convinced that it was me, and I, in my naivety, could not bring myself to lay blame on someone else, so I tried to find close-minded, reasonable explanations as to how I could be a thief and not know it. All in between blank spans of time in which I did and did not exist, alone and trapped in my room, pushing myself deeper into nothing with books. I was too afraid to contest my mother's boyfriend, and eventually, my Swedish grandmother died. My mom received a small inheritance ($3000), and it promptly disappeared. Just like that, I was grounded for the majority of a year. The boyfriend soon became horrid to all of us, with the exception of my mother, and I have lost all caring. All the while, it was still just me, my sisters, and my flute. I progressed through high school, surrounded by girls playing nice instruments, while I played an old, battered instrument that I tried especially hard to make sing. It was difficult, but I became the third best high-school flautist in the county with an old instrument almost in need of repair. Out of appr. 113 girls and 3 guys. You can imagine my mixed feelings of joy and sorrow when I would come to and from school, two different worlds that clashed so horribly.
My mom found out about her thieving boyfriend, and simply kicked him out and apologised to me. I felt fine at the time, but I was definitely not the same after those two years. Things eventually improved enough to support a move to North Carolina (from the south Miami area). It was considerably cheaper in NC than in FL, which was nice. I finished High School in NC, and from there I was unemployed, and still living with my mother. A military recruiter eventually called, and I joined hesitantly. I knew that it would be an unpleasant experience the moment I signed up, but I really needed a job, and my mom was kicking me out anyways.
I hid the fact that I was an Aspie, which was not too hard, considering the fact that there was no paper record of its existence, and got in mostly because I had some intelligence.
Navy boot camp was terrible, and was what cracked my childhood Aspie bubble. I was in unfamiliar territory, and I did not know myself. I was lost. I was depressed. I held in my feelings, and was at last naked to all comments to my mannerisms, my lack of interest in what other guys were interested in, etc. I must have cried every other night silently for what I have both taken for granted at home, and my new self-awareness and confusion. The showers were especially traumatising. I could not bring myself to tell anyone exactly how uncomfortable it was for me. No one else seemed to mind as much, but I had to fight to keep composure and get out quickly. It was either that, or face the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, which was later removed. Needless to say, I was thankful that basic training eventually ended, and I was wisked off to Nuclear Power school. I dragged my nose in academia for a year, all amidst my own uncaring and desire to be anywhere than there, and someone that wasn't me. I was timid around masculinity in general, but I was not aware that what I was feeling was atypical. How could I be different in such a way that could not be explained by AS? Why do I have the desire to be female and want it badly enough to barter with God every night to just grant me this one favor? I failed out of the school in still-deeper depression. I repressed most of what I felt, and was sent off onto a ship out on deployment. With the gnawing depression, and the mismatch of my Armory job to what could have been my career as a flutist, my mood got darker and darker, and eventually, I was almost ready to die. The Navy sent me back to the states after four months on the ship, and eventually out of the Navy with an Honourable discharge. I never did tell the Navy about my GID.
I now live with friends from church, and I am having trouble finding and keeping a job, since my ability to handle stress has been greatly diminished. I did sign up for college, but finances will definitely be an issue. Even five months out of the military, I am still shaken up at the whole experience, and upset at myself for being so weak-willed lately.
So, that's it. I am not looking for sympathy, but I really needed to get this off of my chest. ^u^
I really want to thank you all bunches for welcoming me into your community, too!
*hugs*
Thank you for sharing. That brought tears to my eyes. Know that there are people here who care about you, and are here for you. I hope things work out for you with school.
Yes, thanks for sharing with us. That's what makes this place tick. BTW, I cleaned up your miscue, but a couple of Aussie girls will probably come looking for you. One will be carrying a "Made a mess of the Introductions section" branding iron. The other one is dangerous. Best wishes, Devlyn
Hi NAME, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 7095 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
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