When I first came out as a transgender, my mom rejected me. We had an argument where she said if I died, she wouldn't care, and that she doesn't love me. From then on, I told my dad I will NEVER forgive her and we started ignoring each other (My mom and I). She also threw lamps at my door before, which was terrifying. A few weeks ago she said she's not going to support me anymore in life.
This morning she messaged my dad saying she wants to talk to me nicely and maybe take me out to dinner. I don't know if I should go with it or not. I told my dad countless times that I don't want to see, or talk to her, but he's telling me to give her a chance.
But, if I don't get our relationship working, I won't be able to start transitioning because I need both parents consent to even start on Testosterone. I feel like doing it just to get her consent.
Any advice would be great :l
I am sorry but if my mother acted like that I would have a hard time to trust her again..
I mean how you could do that to your child is beyond me :(. I would be very hurt and devastated!
I hope that everything will work our for you soon *hugs*
Can you talk to her on the phone whatever before meeting face to face? Try and gauge her thoughts and feelings.
Take it one step at a time.
If or when you do meet her try to do so face to face in public, have a coffee or something.
Be very positive and happy and friendly
Hugs
Cindy
Is a letter an option?
As Cindy suggested meeting in a very public place is a good idea.
Karen.
I would meet with her. Publicly like Cindy and Karen said. You don't have to trust her. You don't even have to like her. You just need to be civil enough to get her to sign the paperwork. I hate to be one to advocate manipulation but, she has treated you horribly. So, the superb acting skills you acquired pretending to be a girl, and play nice. It is going to suck. Sometimes doing stuff like this is a necessary evil. This is just my opinion.
Maybe it's just me, but I believe that people deserve second chances. Everyone is capable of making mistakes, of letting emotion cloud their judgement and acting selfishly and sometimes blindly due to being hurt or angry. I've seen it often enough to know that once that has been exhausted, and when people really have the time to just think about things rationally... well, their stance and attitude can soften.
I know how badly it must have hurt you. And that's something which no doubt will take a very long time to get over (if you ever actually can). But personally, I find it helpful to try and put myself in someone else's place and try to think about why they act the way they do, or say the things they do. Where it comes from, you know? Your mom may be a lot of things - insensitive, maybe selfish, tactless... whatever adjectives you care to use. But maybe she's also scared, and sad, and creating defense mechanisms to help her cope with all the feelings she experienced when you came out to her. I mean if you think about it, it was just as much a big thing for her as it was for you.
I'm not excusing what she did, but what I am saying is that however irrational her words and actions, they were based on very real feelings. Feelings that she may be starting to overcome now some time has passed, and that she perhaps realises that no matter what she tries to get you to change your mind, you aren't going to be dissuaded from your course of action. Maybe she's realised that the parental bond is one she still feels. I don't know. But I feel that if ever an opportunity presents itself, then it's preferable to build bridges rather than burn them.
At the very least, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by hearing her out and maybe having a calm, adult, rational conversation about the way you both feel. Who knows, you may each learn something about the other in the process.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 08, 2012, 07:48:01 AM
I would meet with her. Publicly like Cindy and Karen said. You don't have to trust her. You don't even have to like her. You just need to be civil enough to get her to sign the paperwork. I hate to be one to advocate manipulation but, she has treated you horribly. So, the superb acting skills you acquired pretending to be a girl, and play nice. It is going to suck. Sometimes doing stuff like this is a necessary evil. This is just my opinion.
I suggest going with this option. Only 3% of abusers ever change and they don't like losing their targets.
Both my parents have asked to rebuild their relationships with me (although neither asked for forgiveness) a couple of times each. Three guesses as to how that turned out.
I'm sorry that your mom treated you that way.
I would certainly talk to her to see what she has been thinking about(support can sometimes be delayed until the info settles in). As for meeting for dinner I would bring someone with me for protection and a demonstration that she broke your trust in her. I hope you can resolve things with her. Parental baggage is a very heavy thing to carry after a while.
Thanks for all the support.
I decided to go with it, and everything was perfectly fine I guess. Luckily my sister came home before she did, so she offered to 'protect' me.
When my mom came home, my sister tried to get me out of my room to talk to her and it took me a loong time before I did it. I almost broke down again, but after all that has happened, I was strong enough to keep my tears in. While I was waiting for my mom to come home, my sister was telling me stuff about my dad. One of them was that he borrows money from loan sharks, which was surprising, although I know his income isn't much (He works as a cab driver). I don't know if I should be upset about that or not though. The three of us went out for dinner and all went well. I still feel uncomfortable talking to my mom though, but I guess I have to deal with it. Although she didn't say much, I guess she loves me after all.
It was wise of to accept your mom's invitation. Sounds like things went better than expected.
:)
Family is very important, and regardless of how they initially react, their views might change and it's important to try to maintain a good relationship with them. Try not to hold it against her, everybody has different beliefs and grow up believing different things.
I'm glad things work out between the two of you. No matter what happen, she is your mother. It's hard for most parents to accept the fact but if you give her time, she'll come around. Just don't give up.