I think wife feels threatened because she's not the only woman of the house anymore.
Driving in my car with her and my son, talking about movies after coming back from seeing Avengers. She let some comment drop about how the men in the house like those kind of movies while she liked Sex in the City. I reminded her that I liked that movie as much as she did, and she got tense and said something like, well women watch these movies for the clothes.
I'll let it drop, but it bothered me. I think she deliberately wants to ignore the fact that that I'm identifying partly as a woman. I've told her everything – I don't think it's any kind of marriage if you keep stuff from your spouse, but lately I sense that it's fine with her if I want to be a woman as long as I keep quiet about it. I'm not that kind of person. It's part of who I am and hiding it is not an option.
I haven't really changed much other than my point of view since I've begun focusing on my gender issues, and other than lurking at Susan's, which she doesn't see.
She was supportive at first, (though she did draw a line in the sand that if I transitioned she would leave me, full stop. Understandable. She didn't sign up for a husband who's a girl.) but I think she's waiting for it to pass like a teenage phase, or maybe if she ignores it, it will go away.
I can deal with her denial for a while, but it hurts. At some point it's going to bother me and I'll need to confront her.
Huh. That's interesting. One of the things I miss about being in a relationship is sharing interests and being able to watch a movie we both enjoy. It is sad that she seems to be taking that for granted.
Of course you haven't changed much. You're the same you. There's just more you know about yourself.
*big bear hug* I don't understand, but I have lots of cyber hugs.
I completely know what you are going through. I am married (sort of), with a son. My wife however, is not as nice as yours. I am transitioning, so I understand why she is going to leave me. But, she is awful to be around. I am not aloud to talk about any changes, how I feel, what I think, nothing. The only area I am still allowed to participate in is my son. At least she is being cool about that. She has been acting like this since I came out to her. It is horrible, and I cant wait until she is gone.
Sorry for the rant on your thread. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
I'm really sorry. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but it's not really fair to you if you keep letting her push you toward a breaking point. I don't have any perspective on the matter though so I really don't know, but I hope things get better for you
Edit: omg, just caught that I left out the word 'not', totally changed the meaning of my post
My wife seems to have adopted a don't ask don't tell policy these past few months. In general she has always been understanding and supportive for the 30 years we've known eachother. I had the trans thing pretty much under control and only needed to dress occasionally at home. That was before the excrement hit the air handler in my life and I needed to really change a few things, like finding a TG group and a therapist.
When I was not so out, she would show interest in things like what has been going on with the others in my TG group after the meetings. She has even attended a few. But not long after I was going out presenting as female for more than a monthly meeting she stopped wanting to hear things. I know she is scared. Hell, so am I! I have no to plans to transition to full-time. But then, there are days I do wonder what if.... Being able to transition is all too real of a possibility now.
Her attitude especially changed around the beginning of the year when I had a bout of WTF am I doing? melt down. After nearly two months I finally figured out the what and why. I lost my life-long excuse to stay male. I really could be accepted in the real world as a woman! And I actually was during my somewhat controlled ventures out as Joanne. After we had our talk over that was when her interest waned and her fear level rose astronomically. I am sure my realization, reflected in how much more I was going out and ever broadening my horizons, has not helped calm her fears of me running off for surgery.
Quote from: Edge on June 13, 2012, 05:01:31 PM
*big bear hug* I don't understand, but I have lots of cyber hugs.
Means a lot, Edge. Thank you.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 13, 2012, 05:08:14 PM
Sorry for the rant on your thread. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Oh Brooke, rant away. I'm always there to read what you write. It was good to see your response. It's great that you're taking time to be an attentive parent amid all the turmoil. Your son is lucky.
Quote from: Alexis on June 13, 2012, 06:15:57 PM
Edit: omg, just caught that I left out the word 'not', totally changed the meaning of my post
No worries, sweetie. I read the original and it was really clear there should have been a "not" there. Thanks for the support.
Hope you were able to settle things between you and your mother in a way that let her know that expression is important to you.
Quote from: JoanneB on June 13, 2012, 06:30:38 PM
After we had our talk over that was when her interest waned and her fear level rose astronomically. I am sure my realization, reflected in how much more I was going out and ever broadening my horizons, has not helped calm her fears of me running off for surgery.
Thanks for the words of encouragement Joanne. It's so hard when we're trying to figure out what's right for us but balancing that with the interests of someone we've promised to love and partner with for life. You sound like a really caring and understanding spouse. Good luck.
Just to add a few random, nonsensical musings to the mix:
Perhaps your wife's reaction is less about you, and more about her. What I mean is that some people build their identities around things they like to do, or things they're 'supposed' to like and dislike. It gives them a sense of who they are. Like... hmm... the football-watching, beer-chugging, have-a-bunch-of-the-guys-over-for-lots-of-red-meat-and-seeing-who-can-produce-the-national-anthem-with-combined-bodily-emissions, ritual-type events. Advertising is aimed point blank at some things for cis women, and some things for cis men. Whether that's right or wrong, it's the law of statistics and where they can make the most money. But people do often play along to that, because it's a subconscious reinforcement of some people's identity to be told by others, who must be in the know, that they're doing what they should be doing.
Maybe rather than being in denial about your identity, your wife is uncertain about her own - maybe because something she previously thought was solely her domain, her Ritual of Affirmation, if you like, has proved to be not so much her own ritual, and so not as affirming as she thought it was. Maybe that's caused her to lose her equilibrium somewhat, and that was the reason for the rather tense reaction on her part.
Perhaps it's the case sometimes that the more differences between people we perceive as different to ourselves turn into similarities, the harder it becomes to find something within that dynamic to maintain ones own identity. Where once was the assertion that "Well you're like that, and I'm like this, so you're that and I'm this", there's now "okay, so you were like that and now you're like this... so how do I know I'm still like this myself and not like that instead?" (I apologise if that made no sense - it sounded better in my head).
Maybe your wife is just scared of losing the identifiers of what makes her feel like a woman, or scared of having to find things not so... hmm... stereotypical? While the theory of such is one thing, and when you're just discussing concepts and feelings - nebulous ideas which go no further than discussion - then people can be fine with it. But maybe in some cases, the more real it gets and the more people feel their own Rituals of Affirmation being usurped, that's where the resistance comes. Perhaps that does lead to a reluctance on her part to admit that you identify as partly a woman, but I'm not sure it's as much to try and deny your identity as it is to preserve her own.
*big hug* I can imagine the kind of position it puts you in though, hon. You are who you are. For what it's worth, I find you a fascinating and beautiful person, and I really hope you manage to work it out between you.
Sephirah is totally right. People can build their identity either around you or decide that your identity is an attachment to theirs but that's not always true. I know when I came out to my mom at 14 she acted flabbergasted and shocked and even though she was not mad or resentful she was in denial basically. She thought I was normal like any other little boy and to her it was true because in her mind she raised a little boy. If any of you have seen a video of me I was always a very feminine girl and other people spotted that far away.
The point being that maybe to us or other outsiders we can recognize how you identify or how you act because we can be objective and we respect that you know? However, to your wife she knew you as such and such person and then when you say oh no I am not that person you thought I was this is really who I am she forms a disconnect in her head. I guess what my disorgranized rambling is trying to point out is that she just needs time to adjust to a new reality. Give it time, have patience, and try to communicate how you both feel a little better.If you guys are determined to make it work then I am sure that it will work and she will grow to accept and probably be proud of however you identify.
Oh and by the way now my mom admits I was always very feminine and that she knew all along :eusa_doh: ^-^
Quote from: Sephirah on June 14, 2012, 08:09:54 PM
Perhaps it's the case sometimes that the more differences between people we perceive as different to ourselves turn into similarities, the harder it becomes to find something within that dynamic to maintain ones own identity. Where once was the assertion that "Well you're like that, and I'm like this, so you're that and I'm this", there's now "okay, so you were like that and now you're like this... so how do I know I'm still like this myself and not like that instead?" (I apologise if that made no sense - it sounded better in my head).
Wow. It's like you know her. That's exactly what she does, but I never looked at it in that way - that she's got insecurity in her own identity. She's insecure in a lot of things and by being the woman of the house, that's something she's always been able to count on - until now.
Quote from: Erin_Grey on June 14, 2012, 08:25:57 PM
If you guys are determined to make it work then I am sure that it will work and she will grow to accept and probably be proud of however you identify.
Oh and by the way now my mom admits I was always very feminine and that she knew all along
Thanks for the vote of confidence, EG. I think you're right. We will be able to work it out if I don't somehow screw it up by taking this transgender thing too far. As for proud, that's a tall order, but I'll keep hoping. She's usually a very loving, very accepting person, so it's within the realm of possibility.
For what it's worth she's known all along too. I mean my best man was a woman (and her maid of honor was a man) so I might as well have had "genderqueer" tattooed across my chest.
Quote from: agfrommd on June 14, 2012, 09:41:57 PM
We will be able to work it out if I don't somehow screw it up by taking this transgender thing too far.
It does take a lot of hard work and praying. If you aren't in a near total denial or suppression mode then you are also dealing with a moving target. Two years ago when I first knew I had to change things about myself I never imagined myself facing the questions and situations I now face.
Open lines of communication is vital for both of yours emotional health. I know, without a doubt, what happens when they begin to get choked off. Hopefully my wife can open them up again.
Quote from: agfrommd on June 14, 2012, 09:41:57 PM
I mean my best man was a woman (and her maid of honor was a man) so I might as well have had "genderqueer" tattooed across my chest.
My friend just got genderf*** tattooed on her belly (without the censoring). I guess that's how she sort of ''comes out'' to her boyfriend(s) :laugh:
I wonder how the SO's who react with horror to the thought of having a trans spouse would feel if instead their partner copped a near fatal head injury, and believed they were of the opposite gender. It's the same thing really as far as I can see. All the family and friends would think they were lower than a snakes belly I am sure.
Quote from: justmeinoz on June 15, 2012, 06:02:16 AM
I wonder how the SO's who react with horror to the thought of having a trans spouse would feel if instead their partner copped a near fatal head injury, and believed they were of the opposite gender. It's the same thing really as far as I can see. All the family and friends would think they were lower than a snakes belly I am sure.
Great comparison, Karen.
Though I think most SO's would see it differently. While most would admit our gender identity is not a choice, they notice us choosing to live with it quietly for decades, so to them acting on it looks like a choice. It's not always easy for them to see the internal toll that it takes on us.