So, I'm apparently not allowed to wear my binder around my house anymore because it upsets my Mother. I'm turning 23 this week; I'm a grown ass adult and they're telling me what I can and cannot wear. ::)
I can't even talk to her about it; I had to hear it from my dad.
Oh yeah, and I told them I was saving up to see a gender therapist, and both my parents keep insisting that I see a regular therapist. Are they going to tell me how I can and cannot spend my money now too... ? :|
Their house, their rules. Sucks but that's how it is.
Get a tight sports bra to wear instead.
House rules
Their house, their rules.
It is the price for not being independent.
Edit: Dang, Andy, you're quick
Good luck getting on your feet Shobo. Andy and Jamie are right on this one - you really can't have a say in anything if you aren't in a lease and paying rent.
Indeed. Don't get me wrong; I'm going to respect their wishes as far as the binder goes, but it just makes me mad. :|
I'm now considering finding a new residence, but that may problematic at the moment with my min wage job.
Anyways, I just felt like venting. I would have vented to a friend but they're all sleeping at this hour...
Thanks Felix; I'll figure something out.
Edit: Oh yeah, and I was actually considering buying a sports bra anyways for when I'm not wearing the binder. ;)
For what it's worth, Shobo, gender therapists are "regular" therapists (in that they have the same licensing standards), but that they have experience in trans issues.
I don't know where you are located, but you might try the "Psychology Today" online listing for therapists who have "transsexual" experience. You can sort by state, county, and city.
Obviously, if you are not close to a major metropolitan area, the task of finding a qualified therapist is more difficult.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 18, 2012, 03:59:25 AM
For what it's worth, Shobo, gender therapists are "regular" therapists (in that they have the same licensing standards, but that they have experience in trans issues.
I don't know where you are located, but you might try the "Psychology Today" online listing for therapists who have "transsexual" experience. You can sort by state, county, and city.
Obviously, if you are not close to a major metropolitan area, the task of finding a qualified therapist is more difficult.
I agree. My therapist was actually not specifically a gender therapist at all. She deals with gender issues, but a lot of her work was just in basic mental health. She works a lot with substance abuse and children too, gender was just one area that she had experience in.
Hope things get better for you. Hang in there.
Ehhh, well you knew what I meant. ;)
I just feel like I'd be more comfortable speaking with someone who has experience in trans issues.
I actually referred to this site when looking for a therapist: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html (http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html)
But I haven't talked to anyone listed on that site, so I don't have anything set in stone yet. I'll have to go give that site you mentioned a look before I decide on anything.
Thanks Jamie, and thanks Ayden. :)
Sorry for the situation Shobo,
My parents couldn't accept me being female 40+ years ago. So I left home at 16/17 by the time I was 23 I had emigrated to Australia, alone, with no job.
It's my life. Not theirs. I walk my path. No one walks it for me.
I think you need to start thinking about your life. Make a plan. What are you going to do? How will you get out of 'home'. Do you want to? Just sitting and hoping will accomplish nothing.
So what will you do?
Being on a Min wage won't do anything, how will you improve the situation? What are your plans?
A therapist will give you advice about transitioning, but that won't happen in your home situation. If your folks won't let you wear a binder, how will they react to a mastectomy and a hysterectomy? Going on T and dealing with masculinisation ? Deeper voice, facial hair?
I'm sorry if I'm a bit unsympathetic. But I am :-*
Hugs
Cindy
You're right Cindy; I need to come up with a plan. I already had a plan in mind, but that was before I realized just how opposed my parents were to this. My plans on transitioning will have to be put on hold until I'm able to move out on my own.
This is something I needed to hear; thanks Cindy!
Hi Shobo,
Sucks re: most of it. Other things besides sports bra, depending on your size. I wear a cotton undershirt a lot. It's good for the summer as it gives me another layer. Another thing is a vest. I don't have one of these but it would work. (I am not tiny up there). Underarmour shirts work for some people-- did not for me as it makes me more chesty.
As for therapy, if you are not paying, not much you can do. Make sure you find someone who can relate to you. (There are people who know about this that are not gender therapists. My best friend is a social worker and knows tons about this. I was so surprised.) You may not be paying but you don't have to put up with being misunderstood by a therapist.
BTW, there are online and Skype therapists.
I have been using this list as a resource to quote (no one's objected) so
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm (http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm)
(Susan's may have one too.)
I agree re trying to get on your feet financially. It's a lot to cope with even for understanding parents. They actually need to work with it and come to terms with it, "death of a daughter".
Making a plan is so wise.
--Jay Jay
when your 7 your parrents say: "you can deside when you grow older"
when your 13 your parrents say: "you can deside when you are an adult
when you turn 18 your parrents say: "you can deside when you move from home"
---
I wasnt really much allowed to bind either, but I did it anyway, My mom wasnt that much agenst me getting a binder, she knew it was more healthy for me than the bandage I was used too.
I'm actually pretty surprised by all the comments saying "Their house, their rules". Maybe it's just my relation with my parents (almost non-existent) or differences in different countries societies, but I would never say that, or stand for it. As far as I see it, it's your life, your money and when it comes down to it, a binder is only a piece of clothing. What makes a binder any different to a tight sports bra used for the same purpose really? But I suppose as I don't know how things are over there and your family relations I'm probably not the best person to go by, and definitely wouldn't want you to make a fuss and insist on wearing it if it was going to put your position in the house in jeopardy, especially if you cannot afford a place of your own.
As for the therapist, try to contact "regular" therapists and ask them if they've ever had any previous gender experience. That way if you can find one, you'll still be getting your gender therapist but your parents won't know any different to you just going to a standard therapist if they aren't listed online as a gender therapist. Just an idea that might be worth trying out.
Quote from: AlecSky on June 18, 2012, 02:59:42 PM
I'm actually pretty surprised by all the comments saying "Their house, their rules". Maybe it's just my relation with my parents (almost non-existent) or differences in different countries societies, but I would never say that, or stand for it. As far as I see it, it's your life, your money and when it comes down to it, a binder is only a piece of clothing. What makes a binder any different to a tight sports bra used for the same purpose really?
yep, if my parents told me I couldn't wear a binder that I bought, on my body. I would tell them to shove it.
Why don't you just wear it anyway, and if they say anything act confused and say that you are wearing a sports bra, what are they going to do? Pin you down and strip you?
Quote from: AlecSky on June 18, 2012, 02:59:42 PM
I'm actually pretty surprised by all the comments saying "Their house, their rules". Maybe it's just my relation with my parents (almost non-existent) or differences in different countries societies, but I would never say that, or stand for it. As far as I see it, it's your life, your money and when it comes down to it, a binder is only a piece of clothing. What makes a binder any different to a tight sports bra used for the same purpose really? But I suppose as I don't know how things are over there and your family relations I'm probably not the best person to go by, and definitely wouldn't want you to make a fuss and insist on wearing it if it was going to put your position in the house in jeopardy, especially if you cannot afford a place of your own.
As for the therapist, try to contact "regular" therapists and ask them if they've ever had any previous gender experience. That way if you can find one, you'll still be getting your gender therapist but your parents won't know any different to you just going to a standard therapist if they aren't listed online as a gender therapist. Just an idea that might be worth trying out.
The OP stated he is about 23 years old. The parents have no legal obligation anymore to provide support.
With independence come greater freedom to do what you want, but so long as the OP remains at home, he must respect the wishes of his parents.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 18, 2012, 04:03:50 PM
The OP stated he is about 23 years old. The parents have no legal obligation anymore to provide support.
With independence come greater freedom to do what you want, but so long as the OP remains at home, he must respect the wishes of his parents.
I would of thought that being older would mean more independence, even within your parents house. Maybe take on some responsibility within the household, i.e. paying rent, buying the food ect, but it would be more of a renting/three adults co-habitting situation rather than a child with their parents providing support and laying down the law. I could be totally wrong though, I've not had much experience of normal family dynamics and the way houses work (hell, I've never lived in a house and the only person's house I visit with older people living with their parents they let both children do pretty much whatever they like. That said though, being gay or a stoner isn't quite on par with being trans...)
As I said before, I understand that he needs to meet his parents wishes if it would put his home in jeopardy, or make things extremely uncomfortable, and my experience (or lack of) is nothing to go by, but I was merely stating my surprise at other peoples attitudes to it.
the only reason its odd to me, is because it's under your clothing. what you wear under your clothing, should be choice.
there are plenty of reasons a none trans person would bind, for example, large breasts get in the way. maybe the binder helps with back issues, this that, etc.
i'm just saying that i understand their house, their rules, but it's also your body, and your hidden body for that matter.
it's not like when 15 year olds get piercings and their parents yell. but it's an undergarment that may be very important to you physically/mentally etc.
i say you go to the therapist, but you pick one out. even if they don't specialize in gid,, you pick out someone youre comfortable with and you do what you have to.
stand up for yourself, but obviously with respect to your family. i always told my mom, "i know it's gotta be really hard for you to accept these changes, because even i am accepting myself and changing. this is not just MY transition. we all are going to transition in different ways together."
good luck. you're in my thoughts friend<3
Quote from: AlecSky on June 18, 2012, 06:04:38 PM
I would of thought that being older would mean more independence, even within your parents house.
It can mean that, say no curfew, go where you want when you want, etc. But there may be things they do not want occurring in their house and if you are an adult staying there rent free, with no financial responsibility for the house then it's within their rights to request you to not do it in their house, because they are doing you a favor since as an adult they now have no legal requirement to provide anything. Now if you pay them rent/utilities/are basically a tenant and have drawn up some sort of contract stating what rules there would be/what would be enforceable/etc, that's another thing.
Quote from: AlexanderReese on June 18, 2012, 06:45:58 PM
the only reason its odd to me, is because it's under your clothing. what you wear under your clothing, should be choice.
These are the things you have to deal with if you live with someone, be they your parents or a roommate. There are always going to be people who are nosy and invasive, those who lack tact and make comments that are uncalled for. Critical people are everywhere and your parents are usually going to be the most critical, mainly because they've had a fantasy of what they wanted you to be like, and those criticisms are their attempt to get you back onto the path of that fantasy life.
But yes, OP, if you feel that standing up to them and continuing to bind even though they requested you not to, will not cause them to kick you out, then go for it.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 18, 2012, 04:03:50 PM
With independence come greater freedom to do what you want, but so long as the OP remains at home, he must respect the wishes of his parents.
in terms of what he wears? really? how far are you willing to take that?
Those comments are kind of uncool, IMO. I mean, the guy's well aware of the situation with his parents. You don't have to be like "suck it up, bro". People come here for support.
Anyway, good luck getting out on your own, OP. And good luck with your parents in the meantime.
Quote from: Andy8715 on June 18, 2012, 07:18:54 PM
Now if you pay them rent/utilities/are basically a tenant and have drawn up some sort of contract stating what rules there would be/what would be enforceable/etc, that's another thing.
Andy brings up something good. Is there anyway you could speak with your parents about helping them with rent? I don't mean full apartment type rent but perhaps like $50 - $250 a month depending on what you could afford on minimum wage in exchange for more freedom.
I'm really sorry you have to go through that. I feel your pain. I'm 20 and my mom said I can't cut my hair as long as I'm under her roof because of her Biblical views.
I do agree with Cindy to make a plan. If they don't accept your rent offer for more freedom then do what you can to get the heck out of there. Save up what you can and perhaps try to look into a room mate to help split the rent.
Quote from: Twin Hammer Tommy on June 18, 2012, 08:17:39 PM
in terms of what he wears? really? how far are you willing to take that?
Those comments are kind of uncool, IMO. I mean, the guy's well aware of the situation with his parents. You don't have to be like "suck it up, bro". People come here for support.
Anyway, good luck getting out on your own, OP. And good luck with your parents in the meantime.
Fair enough.
What is his alternative?
Getting kicked out and onto the street? Sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils. I would never tell anyone to become homeless on principle.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice. ;D
I don't really think they would go as far as to kick me out, however I'm also not the type of person to go against my parents requests... generally. From what I understand, whenever my mom sees me wearing my binder it bothers her; so I guess she's taking my being trans pretty hard. I think the main issue here isn't really the binder, but the fact that she won't talk about it. I think that talking would help diffuse the situation a little bit... or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Until then I guess I'm just going to have to sneak out of the house whenever I want to wear my binder.
If I went against my parents wishes, I think the most that would happen is that my relationship with them would become even more strained. I'd rather not strain it anymore than I have to.
The whole moving out thing... a friend asked if I wanted to share an apartment after her current lease is over (she can't stand her current roommate). So I just need to hold out a little while longer.
For now I might try the whole rent thing like Malachite suggested, but I don't really think it'll work. Still worth a shot though.
I am glad you are considering your alternatives.
Good luck to you.
It sounds like you *are* making plans and getting on with your life. I understand both points of view-- both not rocking the boat (around parents that are antagonistic) and doing as you please, after all it is your body. But the idea of making plans seems eminently sensible.
There is also the reality of getting financial support from one's parents. I had a lot of problems earlier in my life and they would not necessarily pull this out, but it was always there in reserve. They were supporting me financially.
--Jay Jay