I looked up therapists in my area and it said that she specialized in transgender issues. So I got myself extremely excited. This has been my year of coming out to myself and coming to terms with everything. I wanted to take the next step. I need this letter of recommendation. I have done research for a year now so I know pretty much all I need to know.
Well, I go in and she is fantastic. Super nice and everything. She says that she will be the best in the area for what I need. Well, maybe I am getting the wrong red flags or maybe I'm not. Maybe help me make out what happened.
After talking for a bit, she makes the comment, "You're a smart woman" and throughout the session continues to call me, A PERSON GOING TO HER BECAUSE I AM FTM, by female pronouns and names like "daughter", etc. If it wasn't someone advertising themselves as working with transgenders, then I would understand this kind of behavior. But to me this seems off. Again, maybe it's just me.
Second, she wants me to look up "theories" on why trans people transition. In particular she wants me to look one up where she says that the theory states that homosexuals have this idea engrained that only men and women should be together and sex would only truly be appealing if it was between a man and a woman so the person wants to transition for this reason...I have felt this way ALL my life...It has nothing to do with wanting to have a better sex life but YES I do think sex would be better between a man and a woman because I'm FREKIN FTM! This to me seems like a waste of time and stupid...
And yet another thing she kind of focused on is that I have a half sister. And how did it make me feel that my mom chose to not let me know about the dad and what not. My mom made her choices, and she chose not to bring her family into her sex life. So frekin what?! She also said I could have been affected because all I see are same sex couples (MY BAD! HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES!) and I could be thinking that's what's right. I grew up in a single parent home (mom) and wasn't around much men...So again, point invalid. She wants me to explore my family background and see how it has affected me...All I know is I have grown up along strong women. So if anything, that doesn't explain wanting to be a man.
Then she said that it would take a year of therapy.That's pretty much when I broke down and cried. I could not help it. It just happened. I feel so incredibly stuck at the moment. I'm 20 years old. I'm not a baby. I know the facts. But when I started crying, I told her it was nothing against her, and that it just felt like I'm stuck. And it's a horrible feeling to be trapped in the wrong body. That it kind of feels like I'm being made out to be a child and a stranger pretty much has to tell me that they know me betelf bean myself before I'm given the go ahead. Well, THAT was a mistake. She said that is a sign of someone who is apparently going to jump the border to mexico and get the hormones there. I would NEVER take illegal hormones and I wouldn't even step a foot in mexico to get medical attention. So I know I failed some test she has.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? My mom has set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. She did everything to try and calm me down. But nothing did. I just kept crying. At least I have her support. But now that appointment is 2 more weeks of waiting and I have a feeling the same crap is going to happen and she will say that it's going to take a year.
She's inappropriate and unprofessional and apparently has some messed up idea of trans people. I'm pretty horrified that she advertises herself as someone who works with trans patients. Find a new therapist immediately and do not waste one more second with that quack.
Thank you guys SO much! It feels so good to feel validated. I just feel so trapped right now and I don't know if it's just this urgency to get T or whatnot. And the thing is, I am 20, and I CAN do informed consent. But I'm trying to do things the "right" way! But yeah, she also said that she has gotten people that "Are tired of their penis and wants breasts"...So apparently, she has to make sure I'm not one of those people...My mom said that made absolutely NO SENSE...It's so nice to hear I'm not crazy
Quote from: Papa Taco on June 26, 2012, 05:33:39 PM
BTW informed consent may be the way to go. If you feel sure, I don't really think you need to actually go do things one particular way. I went into therapy sure, and basically they just gave me the go once they heard my story. They're not out to analyze you (the good ones), and even if they tried, they can't.
I really only think therapy is the way to go if you have doubts or certain unrealistic ideas about transition.
I don't know if my mom would be for this. I have gone "back and forth" about this all year. And it is due to the fact that I was protecting myself from crap like this happening. Part of me just didn't want to deal with any of this because I was dealing with school and the added stress and complications were not welcome.
And trust me, I don't think that in that vial of T, are all my dreams, and hopes. T isn't going to magically make all my issues go away. But I need it. It will help me become more of who I am. And also, I have no idea how to find an endo in my area who WOULD do informed consent. And I don't know if my insurance would even cover it.
This lady also asked me, "So what are your plans?" I told her I'd love to make them but I have no control over when I can even start transition. So it won't do me any good to make plans while people play gatekeeper. She pretty much also said that I might not get a job as a teacher because they would be scared of how I would influence students...Because I'd have a stamp on my head saying
"I'M A TRANS GUY! YOU SHOULD ALL BECOME TRANSGENDER! WHY HAVE A PENIS WHEN YOU HAVE A VAGINA! AND VICE VERSA!!!!!" And before that she sort of insulted my degree...She said, "So how are you going to make money out of that degree?" When before, I had told her, "I'm getting my degree in English with a minor in Education." Apparently, I had to spell out that I was going to be an educator...The minor in education wasn't an indicator of crapola!
You are a grown-up. You don't need your mom's approval or permission.
And the teacher things is bs. If you are a stealth cis appearing male no one would be any the wise that you were trans.
Quote from: Andy8715 on June 26, 2012, 05:51:10 PM
You are a grown-up. You don't need your mom's approval or permission.
And the teacher things is bs. If you are a stealth cis appearing male no one would be any the wise that you were trans.
With all due respect, I beg to differ. Only in a sense though. I live with my mother. I may be 20 but if I live under her house, it's her rules in her mind. And apart from that, I don't have a car and can't exactly take myself there. So she is the only one I have to help me out.
Can you ask a GP/family doctor to prescribe T? I never saw an endo - just my regular GP.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on June 26, 2012, 05:54:16 PM
Can you ask a GP/family doctor to prescribe T? I never saw an endo - just my regular GP.
I don't have one. I have to wait until the end of August to go see one. Because I'll be a new patient so I have to wait until then
Quote from: Stewie on June 26, 2012, 05:53:24 PM
With all due respect, I beg to differ. Only in a sense though. I live with my mother. I may be 20 but if I live under her house, it's her rules in her mind. And apart from that, I don't have a car and can't exactly take myself there. So she is the only one I have to help me out.
I live with my mother too, but I guess it's different since I have my own vehicle, a job, I pay all my own bills and contribute money to our household. So though she didn't agree with me transitioning and said some very ->-bleeped-<-ty things to me about it, I did it anyway. While I do believe in the adage "their house their rules" she never specifically said "I forbid this" so I did it anyway, her feelings be damned.
*hugs* I would suggest a better therapist, on my first appointment (last week), She made it seriously clear that she wasn't trying to screw me over or play god, That I had made the choice, which was the most important part, and that I was there for her support and so she could help guide me away from making rash decisions without knowing everything I could.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I would stop seeing her immediately if I were in your position. In fact, I've quit several therapists in the past before finding the one I have now. Wouldn't trade her for the world.
This isn't the only woman out there. Many good therapists that see trans people aren't specialists. They are just open and accepting. Trying to find those individuals, even if it means "hopping", might be worth it for you.
I call BS on that therapist. You are in the right here. Taco is right. If I recall you only need a minimum of 3 months therapy but it can last up to a year depending on the patient. For her to outright choose the longest time just means that she wants to milk the heck out of you....BIG red flag along with the misgendering! When she says that she specializes in transgender patients she probably meant that she tried to "cure" them.
Don't waste your time and like the others said do whatever it takes reach your desired goals. I'm in the process of trying to find an onlnie therapist so that could be something to consider.
The misgendering is a HUGE red flag. Almost like if it happened more than twice to turn around and walk out the door. I am going to the trans center and have never been misgendered by employee. A volunteer ma'amed me and got a huge talking to. I don't even look all that much male or anything. No one is allowed to misgender in a group without it being an issue(I've been to two of them.) I'm just saying that I think this is the ideal. So what happened you you was very bad. It's worse in that it sounds very intentional, like she has no intention to properly gender you. It's very outrageous that she is setting herself as a gender therapist (though there is a school of therapy that actually wants to "cure you" and I wonder if that's what you got-- mostly these are religious but not always). All her theories are ridiculous and she seems totally unaware of all the biological reasons.
Anyway, I think you should see someone else. If you can't find someone maybe you could do Skype or online?
This is the best list I have seen but there might be others.
http://www.lauras-playground.com/tg_resources_laura.htm (http://www.lauras-playground.com/tg_resources_laura.htm)
Good luck. I am so sorry you had such an awful experience! You are right to be p*ssed!
--Jay Jay
Tell her you like dudes. I think if therapists believe they're great and really aren't somebody should make them aware.
Quote from: Nygeel on June 26, 2012, 11:57:33 PM
Tell her you like dudes. I think if therapists believe they're great and really aren't somebody should make them aware.
That's funny, but I don't think Stewie should waste any (more) time on this useless poor excuse for a therapist.
--Jay Jay
Quote from: aleon515 on June 27, 2012, 12:52:09 AM
I don't think Stewie should waste any (more) time on this useless poor excuse for a therapist.
I agree.
I agree.
sounds like the therapist trained by watching Jerry Springer.
Quote from: aleon515 on June 27, 2012, 12:52:09 AM
That's funny, but I don't think Stewie should waste any (more) time on this useless poor excuse for a therapist.
--Jay Jay
It would help other trans people in the future.
Quote from: Nygeel on June 27, 2012, 01:43:49 AM
It would help other trans people in the future.
Instead of making the therapist aware of how bad she is, Stewie should put her on blast on T-vox and any other site possible to let people know what a how bad this supposedly trans-competent therapist is.
I have heard that some therapists will intentionally misgender you or openly discourage you, I suppose as a test or to gauge how serious you are.
Personally, I don't need a therapist like that, and I certainly don't need one who does it because she's clueless.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I agree with the others. Something is very wrong here. If you do see her again, consider asking her why she misgendered you repeatedly. Tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't clean up her act, leave. But I think you're better off finding someone else.
Wow she sounds like a terrible therapist >:( I think it is a good idea to see someone better, so I hope your psychiatrist appointment goes really well :)
My first was bad too. He just had no idea about transgender issues and I wasted a year with him. The second one I found has been great, and he is helping me to get on testosterone without my parents permission while I am not 18 :D
Quote from: Arch on June 27, 2012, 02:12:05 AM
I have heard that some therapists will intentionally misgender you or openly discourage you, I suppose as a test or to gauge how serious you are.
Personally, I don't need a therapist like that, and I certainly don't need one who does it because she's clueless.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I agree with the others. Something is very wrong here. If you do see her again, consider asking her why she misgendered you repeatedly. Tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't clean up her act, leave. But I think you're better off finding someone else.
I thought this after I got out of the session. I thought the misgendering was a test or something. When it was happening I just didn't know what to say. It was just weird to me and I stayed quiet. Eh, whatever. She's stupid. And I'm not going to her again.
She asked me when my birthday was, I told her and she said, and maybe when you're 21 you'll be able to make a better decision...Apparently that would make allllll the difference!
Quote from: Stewie on June 27, 2012, 11:00:46 AM
I thought this after I got out of the session. I thought the misgendering was a test or something. When it was happening I just didn't know what to say. It was just weird to me and I stayed quiet. Eh, whatever. She's stupid. And I'm not going to her again.
She asked me when my birthday was, I told her and she said, and maybe when you're 21 you'll be able to make a better decision...Apparently that would make allllll the difference!
Intentionally misgendering may be a kind of test, but it is a worthless, deceptive, and cruel one. IMO, it's a serious red flag whether it's some sort of test or not. I can see a unintentional slip, but this was continuous and quite intentional.
Idiot woman! I'm sure with a whole lifetime of knowing this, you are going to change your mind in a couple years. I'm glad your'e not going to her again. Keep in mind that you might have to actively "shop".
--Jay Jay
I agree with the others that therapists who basically try to head f**k you with stupid "tests" like intentionally misgendering you to see what your reaction is, is a crap therapist.
While I do believe that they have to have some sort of procedure to verify the diagnosis before recommending treatment, I don't deal well with a therapist that plays games like that and I've personally stood up in a session and ripped certain therapists a new one for that sort of behavior. This is one of the reasons why I don't even go to therapists anymore. I've been to so many of them that I know their job inside and out, when they have no clue, and even what their supposed recommendations for me are going to be before they say them.
Yet I know other people who swear by therapy and say they had a wonderful experience and the therapist really helped them. Seems like a crap shoot to me. Unless one comes on a very high recommendation from someone you trust.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on June 27, 2012, 11:45:43 PM
Yet I know other people who swear by therapy and say they had a wonderful experience and the therapist really helped them. Seems like a crap shoot to me. Unless one comes on a very high recommendation from someone you trust.
I think it IS a crap shoot unless you have a recommendation. Even with a recommendation, you might not get a therapist who is a good "fit," and getting one can take some shopping around.
I've had a couple of nice but ineffectual therapists, one guy who ran an awesome substance abuse group, one guy I clearly couldn't trust because of his religious bias (I had to find out the hard way), and one guy who royally messed me up, although I think he meant well.
Then my current therapist. He is pretty awesome.
On average, my experiences have been...average.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on June 27, 2012, 11:45:43 PM
I agree with the others that therapists who basically try to head f**k you with stupid "tests" like intentionally misgendering you to see what your reaction is, is a crap therapist.
While I do believe that they have to have some sort of procedure to verify the diagnosis before recommending treatment, I don't deal well with a therapist that plays games like that and I've personally stood up in a session and ripped certain therapists a new one for that sort of behavior. This is one of the reasons why I don't even go to therapists anymore. I've been to so many of them that I know their job inside and out, when they have no clue, and even what their supposed recommendations for me are going to be before they say them.
Yet I know other people who swear by therapy and say they had a wonderful experience and the therapist really helped them. Seems like a crap shoot to me. Unless one comes on a very high recommendation from someone you trust.
I'm sure that mind f**ing is not any kind of recommended treatment technique. Not saying that a lot of idiots out there aren't using it. But there are other ways of finding out these things, like say asking intelligent questions, listening, and so on.
I agree it is hard. I have never tried to find a gender therapist (have a friend who is-- yikes-- kind of discouraging). It is hard to find a decent anything therapist and I had many more misses than hits, let's just say.
--Jay Jay
Surprisingly, my first and only therapist was a religious older white male who didn't shove his ideas down my throat. Reading through this, that seems a lucky shot. Medical folk aren't supposed to hurt their patients, so I have no idea why some of this bs flies. Drop kick that therapist and get a new one that actually is helpful sorting things out.