Hi. I am a 21 year old um...well, I am a biological male. Ever since I was little I felt something was wrong. So cliche, but I felt that I was a girl trapped in a boys body. I always was a loner and never had friends (still don't). My life has been very hard, I have had crones disease since I was little and was home schooled from k-12. This made me a very anti social person (still am). My parents have a construction business and I was always used as help since I was 10. This has made me very very masculine physically. That's my background. My feelings of being a girl have always been there, I never told a soul about them till I came out in October of last year, to my mom. I never played or did anything feminine ever out of fear of being beat by my family. I was always encouraged to do the most manly stuff and I hated it. I did get a dirtbike when I was 16 and thought the feminine feelings would go away forever. I got my freedom and felt like a man finally on that bike. I was never around peers and would go far away into the wilderness to ride my bike. I was finally cured. Then I went to college at 19, that is when the feelings came back. I saw girls my age for the first time and I felt like crap. I never felt so bad, I put a gun to my head and almost pulled the trigger. Then I thought maybe I could make myself a little more feminine. So I grew my hair out and started to shave my whole body, I stayed away from heavy lifting and played video games all day long while my muscle shrank and my skin got way softer from using girl body lotion. My parents never suspected a thing and I did not know about transition yet. This was all I thought I could do to make myself happy. I bought androgynous v neck t shirts in small sizes and tight girl skate pants. I went out once to test how feminine I looked and went out in my cousins dress I stole. I had put it in my back pack and took a bus to a nearby town that I never go to. I went to an ally and changed and put makeup on. My heart was racing and I was never that happy ever. I went to a supermarket and bought some tampons (gross I know, I just wanted to but something that I was not allowed to as a guy). The lady at the checkout did not look at me weird at all and said," There you go miss." I skipped out of the store happier than ever. I went home on the bus as a girl and got to my door at dark. I changed in the garage and went to sleep. I had had a friend finally from 16-19 that I met dirtbiking. He never thought in a million years I was the way I am, he knew me as a ballsy dude. The day after I had took my little trip, he came knocking at my door. My family was at a wedding and they knew that I hate those things, so I was home alone. I told him come inside. He went to my room to play video games and I said I had a chore to do. I went into the bathroom and got all dressed up as a girl again. I knocked at my door to my room where he was and then I threw it open and said,"How do I look?" I twirled as I said it. He said,"DUDE!?! What the ->-bleeped-<- man?" Then my mood went from eternally happy to terrified. He told me to take that ->-bleeped-<- off or he was not my friend anymore. He said no soul will ever hear of this if I took that ->-bleeped-<- off and he would come back in an hour. I said ok and he left. I cried my eyes out and went to my shower and cut all my hair off. I shaved my head bald and wiped all my makeup and nail polish off with rubbing alcohol. I put my dress in the paper shredder and burnt the remains of it on the stove. He came back and was pleased. he moved away the next week. I have not had a friend since. After that trial run I decided to bury these feelings and got buff an into UFC fighting. Then October 2011 the feelings came back with a vengeance. I had turned myself into the hardest core mans man and now the damn feelings of wanting to be a girl came back. I was more depressed then ever. I did a web search and found there were other guy who felt like I did, even more crazy was being able to change gender. Until then I thought that I was trapped a a man forever. I told my mom one night that I wanted to become a girl. She freaked out and said that I was a ->-bleeped-<-got and a freak. She grabbed her breasts and said, "Do you want these, do you want to cut your cock off!?!" I said no mom I just want to be happy. She said that it was impossible to become a girl and that I should stop thinking about it. I held those feelings in again until January of this year. Then I came out a second time as trans. My mom said that I need help and I gave her the number to Children's Hospital LA. I went there and in that first day the therapist said that I was transsexual. She said I was the most text book case she had ever seen. Two visits later she sent me to the clinic there to be put on hormones. I told my mom and she flipped out. I quit going there and told the therapist off (on mom's behalf). Since then it's been the same crying all night alone in my bed wanting to be a girl and knowing I never will be.
My question: Is there any way to make these feelings go away? I need to be a man and forget ever having dabbled in this strange world. I don't want to be a transgender person. I want to be a real girl but since I will never be, I need to get these feelings out of my head. Anyone here know how to do that?
Hi Kayla, and welcome to Susan's.
Please consider posting a short bio on our "Introductions" board.
Sorry for the typos, I was crying the whole time. This is really personal stuff I am sharing, I just want some answers.
welcome to susans but to answer ur question, alot of girls on this site held off on transitioning wen they were younger and now they regret it cause most of them are transitioning now at age 50 which is kind of a little late since he younger u are the more HRT does and the faster it works, but if u feel ur transgender and and want to be a girl then dont stop urself be who u are and dont care wat people say to u.
Kayla,
Bad news, Hon. They never go away. I know, I tried for more than 34 years. I did anything and everything to not transition. But at 54 years old, I finally transitioned and I have never been happier.
I even tried the suicide route, several times. And nothing works. The only thing that does work is to transition.
I don't know how to reply individually.
Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.
Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?
Hormones will make u pass and u won't be called a freak, maybe by some people but not everyone is gonna call u a freak n for the ones that do call u a freak tell them to go screw themselves but if u don't want to transition then that's gonna be ur problem later on in life, it won't be anyone's fault but urs. Remember u won't be able to go bak in time wem u get older m realize u made a mistake not transitioning,n as for ur family alot of transgenders think there family Will kick them out n most of the time there family dosnt but u never know unless U tell them how u feel inside
im kind of in a different position than you ive always worn make-up and " womens " clothes ive always lived as someone who is on the feminine spectrum of androgynous but male bodied . to be blunt ive never felt wrong or weird about having a flat chest and a penis but i guess i was naive , i didnt have all this natural male muscle mass at like 16-17 and i looked a lot more feminine , if i could have stayed looking very feminine but at the same time having a penis and a flat chest , sort of like andrej pejic i would have been content/ sweet with that .but over the past few years i feel like testorome has destroyed me with this muscle mass and my chin etc has changed and gotten bigger/ more square . when i looked back at pictures of my teens now i feel like crying
and im terrified what the future will bring and what else testorome will do to my face and body as i age
i dont have the history of feeling like a woman inside a mans body ive always felt more " androgynous " and looked at men and women as being someting different to me
but that being said if i had to conform to complete maleness or complete femaleness , id pick female
gender dysphoria is complicated and a tottal ->-bleeped-<-ing bitch :(
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.
Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?
if you passed in the grocery store youll be fine , and besides theres always plastic surgery to feminize your face and body more if hormones dont do enough work on there own
Quote from: Angelique1994 on June 27, 2012, 08:30:00 PM
Hormones will make u pass and u won't be called a freak, maybe by some people but not everyone is gonna call u a freak n for the ones that do call u a freak tell them to go screw themselves but if u don't want to transition then that's gonna be ur problem later on in life, it won't be anyone's fault but urs. Remember u won't be able to go bak in time wem u get older m realize u made a mistake not transitioning,n as for ur family alot of transgenders think there family Will kick them out n most of the time there family dosnt but u never know unless U tell them how u feel inside
I don't think we should say hormones will make you pass. For a lot yes, but some people are just unlucky.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.
Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?
Those aren't always the only solutions. There are many that simply do what they can(crossdress, low dose hrt, etc) to alleviate the feeling of dysphoria and live their lives as best they can. But don't let the idea that you could never pass or the whole freak thing stop you from being yourself. Everyone is different, what is unfathomable for one isn't necessarily bad for another. It might be best if you could bide your time, maybe try to see a therapist to deal with things in the meantime and take your time to work out what you really need to do for yourself, not to fit some mold that other people(trans or cis) may try to place you in.
My story.
I have know since I was little that I was different. I tried to confront it head on. I went to school as an auto mechanic. I have driven 18-wheeler long haul. I was married 3 times. All to keep from accepting who I am. My Dad was not supportive at all, and I buried the real me, till I was 54 years old.
I know that I would have killed the old male me, but the real me wanted to live.
The day I slit my wrist. I heard a woman's voice yell "No'. My ex was in her bedroom asleep. And there were no other females in the house. When I went to slit the other wrist, I heard her voice say "I want to live!" I was hearing my own female voice.
Yes. It is said "Transition of Die", because so many who don't transition commit suicide.
As to your family issues. When you can get a job, move to a different area away from family. And then seek out a therapist schooled in transgender issues. AS to passing, you will surprised as to what HRT will do.
Or return to college and use that time to transition.
I also knew around the age of 4-5 I should have been a girl. I also hid those feelings from everyone, even myself to a large extent. The idea was totally insane. Not in my family. Not in my blue collar immigrant working class city. Not when I was already a big fat stuttering 4 eyed target.
The feelings do not go away. You can create diversions and distractions like you did with your dirt bike. I used bikes and cars, and racing, college, burying myself in work. After college, hell even during, I started low dose HRT thinking about maybe transitioning. At the very least help me deal with the feelings I had. It sort of worked but as the hormones worked their magic and things stopped working I stopped. After all, I wanted to be NORMAL. At the same time in my early 20's I tried part time twice. Chickened out both times because all I saw was me being an even bigger target for teasing, laughing at, or worse, then I was most of my life.
Still if not once a week, usually once a month I had to escape. I need to spend some time presenting as Joanne. Not so good with most women. Even those that initially think they can handle it. The desire to dress was also tied a lot into stress. When you throw yourself into work trying to be a hero, you tend to have a bit of stress.
Sorry, but no, the feelings never go away. Transition is not the only answer. Yes for some transition is just another word for nothing left to loose. Especially if you see the only other option is suicide. There are also plenty that find some middle ground. Between "Normal" and post-op is a large spectrum of colors before fading to black.
Your best bet is to try to find a gender therapist, or a therapist familiar with ->-bleeped-<-. A local TG group can also be a godsend.
Quote from: crazy old bat on June 27, 2012, 08:37:46 PM
Those aren't always the only solutions. There are many that simply do what they can(crossdress, low dose hrt, etc) to alleviate the feeling of dysphoria and live their lives as best they can. But don't let the idea that you could never pass or the whole freak thing stop you from being yourself. Everyone is different, what is unfathomable for one isn't necessary bad for another. It might be best if you could bide your time, maybe try to see a therapist to deal with things in the meantime and take your time to work out what you really need to do for yourself, not to fit some mold that other people(trans or cis) may try to place you in.
what do you think of my situation? not to hijack this thread or anything , ive put off going to a gender therapist/ clinic becuase im worried about being stigmitzed or being accused or of being a autogynephilic becuase im not that classic case of " transexual " or something when cross gender behaviour/ presentation has never done anything for me sexually it just feels right presenting and looking feminine .
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.
Goodbye, don't ever let anyone push you either towards or away from transition. That will only lead to regret.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.
U should only do things that will make u happy n if u think that u will be happier not transitioning then don't transition but if u will be happier as a girl then transition but just so u know hormones breaks down muscle mass n makes it look like more femine
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.
*huggles* I don't want to sound rude (Which means I will, and expect the be punish), but you are simply being childish and naive. Did you really sign up here expecting anyone to hand you a magical formula for erasing thoughts from your mind? No one is pushing you to do anything other than yourself, You want to force things out of you becasue you currently cannot handle them.
I hope you reconsider, becasue this site is full of people who aren't actively doing any of the details involved in transition, You realized there is no way to make feelings go away and are in a panic. I think you signed up becasue you earnestly believe that you can make peace with yourself. But you are scared becasue like any person in your situation, you don't have enough self-confidence to believe in yourself.
Being happy isn't about getting rid of thoughts, it's about making compromises with them or simply accepting them and overcoming them. Do you want to be a guy? Then do that, Do you really want to be more feminine? Do that. Honestly what you need to do is start seriously thinking about what makes you happy, because no feeling ever goes away when you try to destroy it.
I don't know you, but like everyone else here I see a little of myself in you. I lost so much time in my life becasue I never allowed myself to do things out of fear of making my mom cry or hate me. Honestly, It never made things better for anyone.
*hugs again* Please, even if you do leave and never allow yourself to be happy, and hide your feelings forever, and maybe even forget about them one day, know that I believe in you.
Quote from: mementomori on June 27, 2012, 08:44:23 PM
what do you think of my situation? not to hijack this thread or anything , ive put off going to a gender therapist/ clinic becuase im worried about being stigmitzed or being accused or of being a autogynephilic becuase im not that classic case of " transexual " or something when cross gender behaviour/ presentation has never done anything for me sexually it just feels right presenting and looking feminine .
Exactly what is a "classic" transsexual to you? And really, I'm for what makes someone comfortable with themselves and happy so long as it harms no one else, the reason behind it isn't so important. Its one reason I do not try to justify or really explain why I am trans to people.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.
Kayla, I would urge you to stick around. Have you looked at our "Non-OP" forum.
There are many reasons why some TG people can't, or won't go as far as surgery.
We also have quite a few genderqueer and androgynous members. There is no surgery that can match their individual needs, in many cases.
Finding that happy medium between how you see yourself, and how you present, is not easy, but is not impossible either. Join me over the the Androgyne forum. Meet members like Ativan, AGfromMD, Edge, and several others who share a similar history as you.
And don't be discouraged!
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.
Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?
To reply individually, just hit the "quote" button on the post you are replying to.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 27, 2012, 09:13:37 PM
Kayla, I would urge you to stick around. Have you looked at our "Non-OP" forum.
There are many reasons why some TG people can't, or won't go as far as surgery.
We also have quite a few genderqueer and androgynous members. There is no surgery that can match their individual needs, in many cases.
Finding that happy medium between how you see yourself, and how you present, is not easy, but is not impossible either. Join me over the the Androgyne forum. Meet members like Ativan, AGfromMD, Edge, and several others who share a similar history as you.
And don't be discouraged!
Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM
Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.
I don't wanna seem rude but wat ur wanting is something no one is gonna be able to giv u. Ur wanting a miracle and be a real complete girl, that isn't gonna happen I'm sorry to hav had to tell u that, we all hav to accept the fact that we were born in a male body n the only way we can fix that is to take hormones and get srs
do you have any finacial independance atm? a part time job or anything ? you can always start taking hormones and getting electroylises now without your mother having to know
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM
Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.
Some day you will get to be whoever and whatever you want to be. You just need to set you mind to it, and not let hurdles stand in your way. There are lots and lots of reasons for not doing anything, but there is only one reason for progressing - to be the real you.
To maintain your sanity, you should consider some partial measures. That's not compromising on your dreams. That is taking prudent first steps toward your goals.
And trust me on this one, for many of us nothing about our gender dysphoria is clear. Many of us struggle and cope.
If you must leave, please remember your password and log-in i.d. We are here if you need us.
Kayla,
This support site is just that a support site. You may be a non-op for now, but that does not mean that you can not be here. Vent, rant, rave. We all do understand.
No one will make you transition.. Only you can make that choice. Give yourself some breathing room. If that means all you do is except that you are a woman in reality for now, then that is good. You will make the choice to take the next step.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81) Sis.
Quote from: mementomori on June 27, 2012, 09:30:20 PM
do you have any finacial independance atm? a part time job or anything ? you can always start taking hormones and getting electroylises now without your mother having to know
No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even thought I just want to live as a normal girl).
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even though I just want to live as a normal girl).
There are many hundreds of thousands of young people in the same situation you are in; hopefully, things will change after the election in November.
You have to decide what course you are going to take. If being a "cool badass" makes you insane, then being a "frilly weirdo" might be an improvement.
Think about it.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even thought I just want to live as a normal girl).
free electroylises ?? id defiantly jump on that i spent probably 8 thousand dollars or more on it
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans.
I wouldn't of called myself transphobic but trans sure wasn't something I wanted to be. Actually no one really is.
I can still remember a few months back when I was talking to my therapist and said "I am trans..." It wasn't the first time. But something magical happened hearing myself say it out loud that time.
There was no shame in it Wow! What a difference a couple of years make
Girls do all those 'badass' things you like to do.
Transition isn't overnight. You are an adult; so your mom has no legal basis to prohibiting you from beginning your journey to be the girl you want to be.
No one here will force you to take any particular path, but it does pain us if someone comes in and just gives up. You have a good therapy and electrolysis situation? Jump on them. I was a late bloomer and spent over $20,000 on electrolysis. The longer one shaves, the harder it seems to become.
Will you have some losses? Friends, family, church, work? Maybe so. Can you overcome that and find happiness? You betcha.
Hear a lot of opinions here? Take what you need and leave the rest.
Best wishes, Kayla.
Granny Robyn
Hey Kayla❤
Reading your story made me realise how similar we are. I can also safely assume there are others like you who are reading them right now :)
It takes a lot of courage to come out to yourself, speak to people, let alone start on hormones. The fact that you are here, sharing, shows how important is it for you to make people know that you exist and you like most of us were unfortunate to be born in the wrong body.
We live in a very modern world, with medical science, anything is possible, you will have to stop worrying about other people, including your mum and do the right thing that is going to ultimately make you happy. Your mum or anyone for that matter is not going to be here when you're older regretting you didn't do this earlier. This decision must come from you. There's no one here that will be able to give you what you want until you decide this for yourself.
One other important factor that you need to remember is that no one here chooses to be TG, we have taken this step to medically alter what is given and live the way we want. If you believe that this is impossible then there wouldn't be any TGs, any of us let alone this forum.
Please also remember that you've already come past the first few steps, you cross-dressed, talked to your friend, even spoken to a therapist that confirmed that you're a transsexual. So why are you worried? It's a condition and there's help from everywhere.
I only wished that there was someone that I came out to, or even spoken to through this forum, and didn't go down the road of pretending to be gay only later to realise that I cannot hide the fact of who I truly am. So you know, I've only been on HRT for just over two years...
Yes, it is going to be a huge challenge, but the end result would be so pleasing you'll be the happiest girl in a very short period.
Also, As some of the others who've mentioned here, you can decide if you want to be non-op like myself. It is entirely up to you... :)
Take care,
G
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM
... but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.
The feelings don't tend to go away. If they are causing you much pain, then if you feel transition isn't an option... you should probably learn to enjoy that pain. As someone who enjoys a lot of sorrow and negativity, it is certainly doable - but it that sort of thing tends to corrupt one's personality after a while.
Being as masculine as you can be wouldn't be the best way to deal with things, if you stay male. At least... I wouldn't think so. Being more metro or feminine would make the experience somewhat more enjoyable.
It's understandable why the people on this forum are pushing the transition idea - after all, most of us have regretting putting off transition for very similar reasons to the ones you have. Try to see that for what it is. I believe that you should do what you want to do, whatever that may be - and if you live to regret it, well... that's only a possibility, not a certainty.
I doubt I would have transitioned if I couldn't see myself as being passable. Because I am who I am, I would probably be a little anti-social for most of my life... I would have to tell one or two people about my "secret" and I would have to think of myself as some sort of martyr - sad, I know. But that's who I am, and it would make the experience, for me, less than hellish.
I wish you the best of luck, and you have my prayers.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history.
Engaging in "macho" activities is typical behavior for someone suffering from gender dysphoria.
Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on June 28, 2012, 01:48:12 PM
Engaging in "macho" activities is typical behavior for someone suffering from gender dysphoria.
True that. Right before I cracked I did weights, thai boxing etc..
What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man." I don;t know what I did wrong to think this way, its been with me before I could remember. Ugh! I am such a sad sack right now, this is no way to live, in constant misery.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. However I did not have a choice in the matter. I just have to deal with it.
But as I think about it, some children are born with cleft pallets, no limbs, heart problems from the beginning. This is just another birth defect. All are repairable through medicine.
I quit asking "Why?" and began to look into how. When I made the choice to transition and began it, I began to feel less miserable. And as time went on, after four years, I am happy I made this journey.
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 28, 2012, 05:53:47 PM
What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man."
Accepting myself as trans was a relief for me, because before that I thought I was some sort of weird pervert and nothing much made sense in my inner psyche. Once I realised I wasn't alone, that my "perverted" thoughts were actually pretty normal as far as women go, and that my experience was shared by millions of others, had a name and a diagnosis, I actually felt pretty good about myself. THEN there was the fear of what others might think, but that is a separate issue entirely.
It's especially difficult to accept one's femininity when we live in a society that looks down on femininity as some kind of weakness. There is nothing weak about being yourself though. At the community centre here they have a poster:
"Are you MAN enough to be a WOMAN?"
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 28, 2012, 07:23:55 PM
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. However I did not have a choice in the matter. I just have to deal with it.
Amen!
Finally for real dealing with "it" ended so much pain and allowed me to find joy and even some passion in my life. The more you deal with it, the less pain there is. I guess that is how you sort of get to be OK about being trans. It still sucks but you aren't being eaten away from the inside
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 28, 2012, 05:53:47 PM
What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man." I don;t know what I did wrong to think this way, its been with me before I could remember. Ugh! I am such a sad sack right now, this is no way to live, in constant misery.
I am what I am, and I think I'm a pretty cool person, sometimes. Yeah, it sucks - being on hormones helps alleviate a lot of the pain, though. For me... most of it. Even if it's a low dose, there is some (or a lot of) benefit to it, psychologically.
I don't think I could have come to peace with it if I didn't transition, to be honest. Aside from the learning to enjoy misery bit - and that isn't peace!
I hope things turn out for you. :(
Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 07:24:24 PM
I went there and in that first day the therapist said that I was transsexual. She said I was the most text book case she had ever seen. Two visits later she sent me to the clinic there to be put on hormones.
Sorry, but I personally find this very weird. Therapists usually observe longer before they prescribe hormones from my experience. You do not appear to be a textbook case either - textbook cases are those who have never been masculine - so I don't know why she was saying this.
There are several options for you. You can transition, or you can decide not to - it's just as valid a choice. However, you need to make yourself comfortable. Losing some of that masculinity could be a start - it may be painful to your ego but it may be your only choice to be comfortable in the long run. Being a part-time woman is another step you can take.
If you can't pass even now, you may consider that a plus. Some people in their early 20s who can still pass worry about testosterone effects making them eventually unpassable, and therefore feel pressure to make their minds up. You won't have that issue if you already can't pass. So take your time.
how would I post a picture here?
Quote from: Kayla❤ on July 01, 2012, 12:29:03 AM
how would I post a picture here?
I'm afraid you have to post here a little more before you can do that. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html).
I had a lot of advice that I just erased because there are far better suggestions and encouraging things being said by everyone else here. I am new to Susan's also, and I've spent many hours reading posts. There are girls and women here who struggled through the same issues that I had, and their stories showed me the problems that I face are quite manageable.
The only advice that makes sense to me right now is ...Take some time to think things out, because things will always change and you want to do what is right for you. .... Everyone here on Susan's told me that, and it took a while for it to finally sink in.
Take care.
Kathy
Glad to see Kayla is still here.
Hi Kayla,
I feel for you. I am insanely tall (6'5") and much older (50) and I have no plans to transition for a host of reasons. It took me years and years of back and forth to deal with my GID and my desire to be a woman. I have learned that the desire/need does not go away. you can lock it up for a while, but it creeps back stronger than before. Finally, I have decided to accept myself the way I am. I am transgender! I want to be a woman. I am also ok in my male role most of the time. I decided to go on hrt and I can say that my system runs better on estrogen than it ever did on testosterone - meaning I am happier. There is still a lot of fear and trepidation of what the future holds for me, but I am who I am. After 1 Year+ I am still presenting as male and it works. I have had to make some adjustments in my wardrobe to hide my budding breasts, but its ok. I am growing into myself more and more each day. Who knows what the final outcome is, but I know I need to deal with it otherwise i know I will die a slow 'death' inside.
Wishing you courage and self acceptance.
Tanya
Hi Kayla,
After reading over your posts I decided to give my 2cents to you situation.
I know the feeling about being a "mans man". Most people in our situations will try to be hyper-masculine to try to make the feelings go away. As you have noticed; they do not. Even if you decide that you do not feel you want to transition you should keep talking to a therapist that is familiar with gender disorders. I used to believe that therapy was a pseudo-medicine and since I have now been going for about 6 months I take ever word back and I think going to therapy was one of the best decisions about my health I ever made.
As to your friend that you came out to. I would write those people off if you can. If they are unwilling to accept you for you they(in my opinion) are not worth it. Friends are always replaceable...You are not..
For liking masculine things..My wife(biologically Female) Loves guns and Bows... Society has made a stigma about what are boys and girls toys...But the truth is...there is really no gender specific hobbies..Do what you love to in life...
You talk about not passing.. You would be surprised what hormones can do..I personally never saw myself as possibly attractive. But even at 2 months of Hormones I have noted alot of changed to my body and even my face and that alone gives me hope..But as others have said. Each person is different on hormones and how they will change you depends on your genetics..
Parents can be quite difficult to deal with. Thankfully my dad was 100% supportive of me. I am unsure what your living conditions are now. But by the look of your post you are with your mom. My advice would be to try to get your own place if you can. I know the economy is rough on everyone right now and it is easier said that done. But as to your mom. This is your life to live and you need to live it to the fullest. If she cannot see that you are miserable and unhappy with your quality of life, she needs to get over it....Would she rather have a sad/depressed son or a Happy daughter?
I hope you do stay around and hope that things can get better. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything(transition or not). That decision is only able to be made by you and you alone. I had 18 years to think about it and I knew right from the start what I was doing was right and I haven't looked back yet.
Good luck and Hope to see you around =D
Got a present for you =D
You were talking about muscles..well here you go..Probably one of the more attractive Trans people I have seen and she was a VERY muscular man to start off with
OMGRANDOMTEXTTOBREAKTHELINK!!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCEjCHb_-Qg
Edit:Think the mods are gonna kill me if I don't figure out how to add the link without the video popping up =P