This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:
-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.
Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?
I was (and sometimes still am) a little hung up on just my attitudes towards certain things. They don't fit a male stereotype. I'm really sensitive, and expressive. I'm also relatively clean and want to stay that way, lol. But I try to remind myself that all men are different, and that the world needs more sensitive guys. In the same way, the world needs some more masculine women, so if you know you're a girl don't let any of that deter you.
Well said, Papa. Trading one set of stifling gender norms for another is no way to live, IMO.
There is nothing wrong with liking those things as a woman
I pass as female now even when I'm trying to look like a guy (short hair, guys clothes, breasts bound). It doesn't feel good or bad it just feels the same as before except it's more awkward because people give me incredulous looks when I present myself by my male name. I think this is what kind of convinced me that I truly am more comfy living as just a guy who looks like a girl rather than as female (w.e. That means...).
I don't know if I count because I'm still trying to figure this out, but here goes...
-I didn't realize I was male (at least, sometimes) until a few months ago.
-My gender dysphoria comes and goes to the point where I sometimes like looking female.
-I talk about my feelings which I've been told is a female thing and I don't know if that's just a gender role or an actual, scientific thing.
-Ditto for some of my preferences.
-I spend a lot of time not knowing what gender I am.
Neato idea for a thread!
Mine are:
-I alternate between feeling male and enjoying my maleness and feeling female and loathing my maleness.
-I have many masculine traits and hobbies.
-I don't hate my penis
-I'm not suicidal about it
Fear of the consequences, ie the disdain of friends, family, strangers. The feeling of letting people down.
Never passing and looking like a hulking man beast.
Shame.
These things did and still do bother me all the time.
There are three major issues that always give me pause whenever I start getting giddy about transitioning:
1. Fear of hurting/destroying my family. I'm not sure I'll come through transitioning with the same relationships I have now.
2. Fear of the health impact. I have a severe physical disability and surgery is always a risky endeavour.
3. How am I going to pay for it? SRS is covered where I live, but FFS is more important to me. I can't really work anymore, so I'll have to depend on the kindness of others (which is never a guarantee).
1. Fear of God not wanting me to and being punished for it through botched surgery or hell-still working out that aspect as I'm slowly starting to accept that he loves me no matter what and that he wouldn't do such a thing
2. Fear of being cut out of my parents will.
3. Fear that not having enough money to transition and be stuck into an economical situation I cannot get out of.
4. Fear of my increase risks for certain things due to the testosterone.
5. Fear of extra discrimination being a trans minority
6. Fear of rejection of family
7. Fear of doing this by myself no no family, partner, or friend by my side for support
Absolutely nothing.
Doubts
1. I've taken that gender test that's sometimes posted on here twice and both times I got male.
2. I don't use a lot of words, I feel like my sentences aren't as long as a normal woman's.
3. We're all just crazies and there's no such thing as GID.
Fears
1. Losing my fertility and having to depend on a sperm bank.
2. What people I went to high school with will think of me.
3. Transitioning is hard and so is the life of a transsexual.
Quote from: The Tomboy Transgirl on June 28, 2012, 03:37:44 PM
This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:
-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.
Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?
It's not written anywhere or stated anywhere in the WPATH SOC that you have to be a "super-feme girly gay or flaming homosexual male" prior to transition. People come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, and preferences. This is why I hate labels. You are you. You don't have to be anyone else or conform to any model. Never suffer fools that tell you otherwise. Do what you like. Stick with whatever hobbies and/or diversions bring you happiness. As far as your choice in partners, that's your business and no one else.
I'm pretty on the feme-girly side of the MTF spectrum... but growing up, I was interested in most of the same things you mention above... and today I can still field strip a M4 in under 60 seconds, with long French-tip gel nails. So...
... just be yourself. ;D
And as far as fears go... my biggest was that I waited too long to start.
I want to try guymode sometime to see if I pass as male or female. This may or may not be normal for a trans girl that's happy being a girl XD.
Other than that, though, I've noticed that my dysphoria is so calm that I could probably present as male without feeling horrid any more. Now, I still want breasts, maybe FFS, and definitely SRS sometime, but I sometimes doubt myself because of how presenting male seems less bad than it used to.
Nothing much anymore, I know what I am.
But at the time.
1: My dad was an ->-bleeped-<- those painful experiences with masculinity confused me I wasn't sure if I was just trying to differentiate myself from him.
2: Jerry springer... I saw those insane "transsexuals" on that show and when I was 13 and struggling with my gender I saw those shows and thought... "Well I'm nothing like that. so I'm obviously not transsexual"
3: My own gender dysphora... I hated my body and I hated myself, I'm still not my own biggest fan, the fact is part of me thought "Well I'm probably just confused/I just want to be someone else."
Doubts
1. Don't use alot of words.
2. Like "male" things
3. As a kid didn't dress "girly"
Fears
1. Not looking like other females
2. Losing the person who I grew up as.
But now I am starting to see how these doubts and fears can discribe a cisfemale.
I'd have to say it was the shame that was my main obstacle. I was so ashamed of being what I am I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror while thinking about it. I just could not see myself transitioning and still be able to look my friends and family in the eye. In retrospect it was all rather silly of me and had I known better I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache and time.
Actually around the time when I finally came to accept being trans I happened to see the movie Hedwig and the angry inch. Though Hedwig strictly speaking wasn't TG her character helped me realize it was fully possible to transition and still be a proud and super awesome person 8)
I had three main concerns/discomforts which I am still overcoming.
Firstly, the financial aspects of my desired journey. I want to have surgery, definitely top surgery and perhaps one day bottom surgery if the procedure advances and becomes better for FTMs. But I am having SUCH bad luck with finding employment, and although I am on private health cover, it is still a lot for me to pay. I try to look past this by reminding myself that I'm young, I'm still studying in my chosen career field and it is hopefully just a matter of time before I find employment.
Secondly, and this might seem kinda silly to some people, I have a LOT of female friends. I am more comfortable with my female friends than my male friends. I do have male friends, but I find that conversation can often be limited and sometimes uncomfortable. This was more prominent pre-T than it is now, but I am still adjusting. I didn't have many friends growing up and when I started to make them, they were majority female. I'm worried that I will never be able to make proper male friends who I can do "manly men" things with. :D But it's getting easier.
Thirdly, the adjustment my friends and family have made/are still making. It's always been a flaw of mine to take into consideration the opinion and thoughts of others over what I want, and transitioning was kind of a "f*** you" to that side of myself. I wanted to follow how I felt, so I am doing so - but some friends just get inappropriate occasionally with the "wow, I've known you as a girl for so long, this is so weird! I don't know what to call you!" and in my head, I'm always yelling back "How about you call me a f***ing male?" :D I get frustrated, but I cool down and remind myself that they are adjusting and taking this journey with me. I was very uncomfortable at first with transitioning from a comment my mother made - that she was "loosing a daughter and gaining a son", and being a child, I couldn't understand how that made sense, even from a parent's perspective. As I've gotten older and matured with this process, I can see what she means, and I learned that she is making changes to help me, even if they are difficult for her, and I have learned to appreciate her efforts, past, present and future.
All of these fears and worries describe me at different times on different days, depending on my level of depression, anxiety, etc. I thought I was alone till now. My greatest fears are being accused of being an unfit parent because of being who I am, losing my disability benefits since GID, transition, and related items aren't covered by social security as a disability; I worry all sorts of real life scenarios that can happen in relation to being trans, plus I worry about passing, being accepted in the community, the real possibility of being a victim of violent hate related crime, etc.
Maybe I should just turn off my brain for a while.
*Didn't know since the age of 2/3/4/whatever the 'know by this age or bust!' age is nowadays
*Identity-policing bastards like targeting me because I don't see trans-ness as OMG TEH WORST THING THAT EVAR HAPPEND 2 ME and I have an identity that apparently doesn't meet the 'you must be this trans to enter' line or something
I've been thinking about an answer to this post for a while now. Probably because I've been thinking of an answer for some 50 years!
When I boil it down, it has always been my gut. That very same gut that had told me for decades not to, that I shouldn't; is now saying yes you can and probably should.
What changed? Nothing
I've reached that point where I'm more afraid of the practical impediments keeping me from transitioning than any fears about how hard my life might get during or after my transition- does that make any sense?
I've accepted that I can like football, not be uber-girly, be attracted to women/trans women and have shortish hair AND still be as much of a woman as anyone else. That was a big mental step for me.
at a mere 6'5", I am worried about passing. Then of course there is the fact that I owns business, which I would loose and end up with no way to make an income. Oh yes and then there are the teenage kids...
Tanya
Quote from: Sarah7 on July 03, 2012, 09:23:17 AM
Those two took me six years to get over. Oddly enough my gayness and tomboyishness only took two weeks in comparison.
Once you lose the fear and hate, all that is left is love and trust. I still struggle (a lot) with the fear, but I've learned to accept and love myself for who I am. Once you learn how to say I am X (trans), then Y and Z aren't that hard (gay/tomboy).
I have to go with Andy on this one. I don't have doubts. And I'm not afraid of failure, botched surgery, death, expenses and debt, or even losing my family.
I think the only thing I'm afraid of are the bigots making laws that make my life harder and put me in harm's way. And even that is more anger than fear.
My experience was that for about six months I worried that I hadn't had the conscious thought "I am a girl" when younger and worried about why it was that i didn't think about it before my mid-thirties. It used to make me think that I might just be into wearing women's clothes, and that I wouldn't transition. Feelings became more intense after i started going out regularly as a woman. I was also lucky to meet other successfully transitioned people (men and women) who had had no idea as children.
Some other people told me I must have known since I was younger. I didn't. If there was anything there I mistook it for sexual pervasion and social awkwardness. I can see the signs pointing to it now, but i'd be lying if I said I could back then. Does it make me less transsexual than someone who has known since age three (I can hardly remember anything from back then anyway) or does living as a woman for the past nine months make me more transsexual than someone who has known since age three and hasn't made any move towards transition? I don't know, and I don't think anyone can answer it except in relation to his or herself.
As far as sexual orientation and the wish to penetrate goes, these may or may not change when you actually start to transition and you may not even care, because one nice feeling has been replaced with an even nicer one. Who knows until you start? I thought I was heading down the road to being a straight woman at one time....but there were so many beautiful women who kept turning my head.
Whipping Girl is a great book. I finished it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. More people should read it! It is a good analysis of why trans women are so demonised in western societies.
1. I did not know since I was little (well I dreamed about being a girl and so on) but I never knew that I was a girl in a male body. Just until a few years ago I actually thought that all men wanted to look like women :S, it sounds daft now but that was what I thought.
2. I did enjoy plaing with boytoys when little.
3. I am still interested in not so girly things like airplanes and machines.
4. I look like a caveman.
5. I do not hate my penis and actually like to use it
6. I am attracted to girls only
Hmm thats about it I think.
Carolina,
It sounds like you and I have a lot in common :)
Quote from: The Tomboy Transgirl on June 28, 2012, 03:37:44 PM
This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:
-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.
Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?
im glad you bought up the topic,
My reason to been doubing had been.
1, I dont have childhood memories, I do think I was kinda boyish even when I also enjoyed girl things, and I remember claiming to be a guy a couple of times, But I donthave any memories of being felling like a boy or a girl, I remind like a stranger in my brain. So I cant say what I felt
2, I had been filled with questions like "what if it just a phrase" "what if you change your mind" "what if your not really a guy" those kind of things I cannot answer because I dont know what the future will be, and I dont know what makes me a guy.. scientise dosent even know that..
3, when I was a kid I was abused by a couple of guys, we where only few girls, I remember I felt it wouldnt had happent if I wasnt a girl and swore I never would be a girl again, I been blamming those for a long time, since I swore like that. I dont really feel sad about what did, it honestly wasnt so bad, But I feel stupid because I was one of the bullies and I did alot of stupid ->-bleeped-<- just to be smart, and in the end I was seen as the same way as my female friend who never dared anything.
4, I am not anything like a maculine guy, I like being femenine, and I look femenine, I feel alot of trans guys are like ment to pass, But not me.. -__- even when I do something masculine I still look so horrible femenine.
I dont like being macho but I hate it.
5, I once took some gender test on the brain and it always say my brain is queal male and female,
I use to think its kinda logical because I am a femenine guy and I like guys, and bla bla, but on the other hand it also got me kinda worried because if I am as female as male then why cant I just stay female, it would be so much more easy?
It not like I hate girls, I cant really relate to girly girls But tomboys are SO awsome, I dont understand why I cant just be a tomboy but for some reason it dosent really seam okay..
I just get unhappy when people say I am a girl, when people call me girl pronouces, and so, it all makes me very depressed, and when people say I am a guy I gets very happy, I dont know why I am felling like this,
I just wanna do whats make me happy, and So far I have been way more happy as male than female,
when I get unhappy its because of transphobia problems, or because people say im a girl =(
Natkat,
It's more common than you'd think to be a trans man and still express femininity. If you haven't yet, google "femme ftm" and you'll see what I mean. Heck, some trans men end up enjoying crossdressing as women (I've dated a couple of trans guys who did that).
The knowledge that there is no single "right" way to be a man or a woman (or just a person) is very liberating. I don't want to escape one prison of gender norms just to walk into another, you know?
For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.
Drugs and alcohol, and soon as I stopped both I transitioned.
Quote from: Alexis on July 05, 2012, 09:57:31 AM
For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.
This also describes me at times. I sorta have this roller coaster going on whereby I start feeling braver and tell myself I have to be me, and no one else has anything to say about it...then the feelings you described set-in, Alexis.
My more reasonable mind says that your Elenor Roosevelt quote in your signature fits this scenario quite well.
I don't have any doubts like that... my only doubts are related to what other people think of me (they won't get it/they'll hate me/they'll feel let down).
There's no way I could feel "not trans" though. I'd pretty much have to never interact with anyone to feel that way. Everything I do every day and every second of interaction with the world is a constant reminder of why I need to transition for my mental sanity. And there was never a time where I felt "yea, actually maybe I fit in with boys right now."
Idk, to me that sounds like doubting that the sky is blue. I would have to be totally insane to ignore all the issues and the anguish this stupid condition has caused in my life thus far.
Quote from: Dawn Heart on July 05, 2012, 11:25:32 AM
This also describes me at times. I sorta have this roller coaster going on whereby I start feeling braver and tell myself I have to be me, and no one else has anything to say about it...then the feelings you described set-in, Alexis.
My more reasonable mind says that your Elenor Roosevelt quote in your signature fits this scenario quite well.
Those feelings held me back for far too long. They wore me down though, and some pretty big things happened in my life, and that finally got me moving on the right track
And I really like that quote too :)
1) I can't relate to a lot of other transsexual's experiences. Although i lived a very girly childhood, when i got to about 6 i was forced into things like football, shooting, fishing and cars. I was too far deep in denial and confusion, i never really thought about my issues. In fact it's only been until the last few years until I've become self-aware. I'm unable to say I've always thought i was a girl, because i haven't. Will i fail the GID assessment?:S I dont know.
2) Not passing, is my big reason I guess. I don't want to be a super-model, don't even care about being good looking, but i would like to pass. I want to be seen female, and not as a man in drag. I'm self-conscious already, so i'm not sure if i could cope with extra eyes and judgement. I'm quite big too, 6ft1, big feet, big hands. Not going to help the cause! >.<
3) Family, Admittedly there is only about 3 people i'm actually bothered about. But if i lose them due to this, it will hit me hard. It's not even losing them which bothers me that much, it's disappointing them which is a massive fear of mine.
They are the 3 main reasons
Quote from: Alexis on July 05, 2012, 09:57:31 AM
For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.
I agree its hard enough to accept yourself when others judge you to the old self not the you that is wanting to surface. To breath as the true self you need to be. Fear to not look like a female with being accept as one is the greatest fear I face.
While I'm still sorting it all out, for the most part it is as follows
1) I love my wife more than anything, when I go through with this what does that make me? or her? Lesbian, hetero, whatever
2) What will my family think when I finally do it? I'm not sure I could take being just cut off, even if they are crazy conservative hellfire-Baptists
3) That terrible little voice in my head telling me "You'll never be accepted"
Quote from: EmmaMcAllister on June 29, 2012, 01:33:43 AM
1. Fear of hurting/destroying my family. I'm not sure I'll come through transitioning with the same relationships I have now.
This one is a biggy for me too :(
I doubt it when my girlfriend plays with my chest during sex and I enjoy the feeling (its the only time I don't mind having breasts)
I doubt it when I think about how my parents will react. The already hate that I'm a "lesbian." I try to convince myself that I don't want to transition and that works for a while. But after that wears off I feel much worse about myself then the time before that and it gets worse every time..
I doubt it when I think about having children. I want to have my own and have even discussed it with my girlfriend.
I've acted "girly" in the past. I enjoyed wearing dresses as a child but I was also what you would call "one of the boys." I only discovered that I want so desperately to be a boy within the past two years over researching.
I've been having a lot of highs recently but when I'm low I'm really low.. :'(
This is such an interesting topic!
My biggest doubts include...
- I think haven't had any feelings about gender identity, especially when a child. But in gender tests I always fall in the middle / slightly in the male part of the spectrum.
- So many of my interests are forgotten before a month has changed - I wonder if this is just a quick glance to "this side", or is this something that'll be a part of me from now on?
- I've never felt the big gender dysphoria so many describe. I have anxieties in that area, but mostly I've just been indifferent towards how I look. This changed during last year, though, and I have grown a preference of how and what (non)gender I want to look like. :) I've understood my disregard of my own body only now, when I've experienced how it feels to be really excited about how I look when binding and acting more androgyne :)
Just a curiosity, but if I will really transition, it's totally possible that I'd enjoy cross-dressing as a female from time to time. Most days, I've felt like in drag when wearing women's clothes, anyway, maybe I could learn to enjoy it after a while ;)
Quote from: Kadri on July 04, 2012, 08:27:12 AM
My experience was that for about six months I worried that I hadn't had the conscious thought "I am a girl" when younger and worried about why it was that i didn't think about it before my mid-thirties. It used to make me think that I might just be into wearing women's clothes, and that I wouldn't transition. Feelings became more intense after i started going out regularly as a woman.
This is something I really related with. :) I still wonder about this (I'm 23). I would love to look more androgyne, but is this feeling real and do I know what I want? Of course, no-one else can't give me the answers. I can only say that I get such a strong, warm and fuzzy feeling about being thought of as androgyne that it has to be right. I've never felt that way about being a woman/girl. Mostly I've just always been confused about being one.
I was similar to the original poster; I didn't realize I wanted to be a boy until I was ten, there were some feminine things I liked (still do like, really), I could go on, but these things and others made me question myself and my feelings. I still do question myself occasionally, but I know now that gender is not binary; a guy can like girl's stuff, and a girl can like boy's stuff, and it doesn't make them any less male or female.
This is a great thread, and it's a good topic for where I'm at now, which is just beginning the process. I have a lot of the same fears as others in this thread, but I have a few things in life that are helping me overcome those fears.
I'm most concerned that I feel different than many of the other transgendered folks on this board because I have very little interest in living as a woman until I am substantially on the road to transition. Rather, I would like to grow my hair, process a bunch of other issues through therapy, lose some weight, and do hair removal. After those, I'd like to begin HRT, and as HRT progresses, I'd like to beginning living real life as a woman. I'm not sure how unusual that thought process is, if at all, and I'd sure like some feedback on it.
I'm also concerned that the mountain of debt that I'm in, coupled with my departure from my profession and the resulting decrease in income, will make it financially impracticable to "see the process to the end." (I'm was an attorney by trade, and though I still have my license, I do not intend to return to the practice of law.)
I'm also concerned about experience of beginning to live life as a woman and the resistance / difficulties that I will face in the real world.
What I have going for me is 1) what seems like a good therapist with a good deal of experience, 2) the love and support of a few very important people in my life, 3) a sense of peace that I'm finally moving in the right direction -- a sense of peace I've never felt before.
Again, what a great topic. It's been great to read the replies in this thread.
Delia,
There's nothing wrong with transitioning that way- That's how I'm planning to do it that way too.. Slow and steady wins the race! :)
OK, this required some thought....cogs turn............slowly
1.) Risk of losing financial security
2.)In my 20's I enjoyed being a guy (for a while)
3.)I am so much more confident when a guy
4.)Fear of health implications of transitioning
However each argument can be countered
1.) Money is money, there is only one of me and one life to lead
2.)All my life I have looked in the mirror and seen the girl looking back at me. Even as a stubbled faced guy it was always in my eyes.
3.) I was a guy for many many years. I am only just beginning to be me. Confidence will come with time
4.) mental health implications from not transitioning would be dire.
xxx
Funny I should find this thread upon my return to Susan's. I posted many years ago under this name--prolifically for awhile. I transitioned in 2005 with SRS and FFS 2006. I'm small, I pass seamlessly. I kept my spouse, my kids, my profession, my friends. I'm as successful a post-op as you can imagine. Transition relieved the awful and unrelenting dysphoria I felt. The anxiety and depression I felt for so many years went away.
I should be ecstatic. I'm not.
Perhaps I've forgotten how bad it was. I'm sure that is part of it. Some of it is fatigue...remembering to speak in my female voice. People tell me it's flawless. I have to work at it every day. The lies to explain my weird life. My spouse is my sister, my kids are my nieces and nephews. Missing a physical relationship with my spouse--she's not a lesbian and I don't think I am either. That part of my brain that used to find her attractive still does.
I can't imagine going anywhere in guymode--I wouldn't pass anyway. But I'm not really a woman either. I'm more comfortable in that role yes but am I a woman because of surgery or mindset? I just don't know. I'm intelligent, empirical, and the DSM seams to suggest I'm a guy with a mental disorder...
Those are some reasons I question transition. I'm definitely trans...of that I have no doubt. The transition is another matter. Sometimes I feel I've traded one prison for another.
DawnL
I don't know if I'm experiencing "real dysphoria" or general depression.
I didn't feel trans as a kid, I was just a gender neutral being.
I came out shortly after a bad breakup.
Sometimes I don't hate my chest.
What made me doubt:
1. Frankly, I don't want SRS because I am not disgusted by my anatomy. (Of course, I got over this doubt. Just like people with one lung are still people, I can easily be a girl with a penis.)
2. I love a lot of "feminine" interests, but also male, such as comic books and video games.
Fears:
1. Not being able to pass for female and thus facing discrimination and maybe even need FFS (I really don't like having surgery of any kind).
2. If I transition, I might never be able to keep my friends and family.
3. I might not be accepted in the fire department when I want to get a job.
4. I might not be able to find an accepting boyfriend.
1. Money
2. I met a girl who really was passing, but looked like the ugliest girl who has ever set foot on this planet. And I met some who agreed. Do I want that for myself?
3. Money
4. My lousy past will not be any less lousy.
5. Money
6. Fear of feeling like an artificial girl, knowing I can never have the full experience.
7. Money
8. A certain untreatable medical issue.
9. Money
10. My relationships are low in quality and quantity. How does this compare to not having any relationships at all?
11. Money
My family has male pattern baldness.
I'm not sure how I'd feel about chest hair.
Sometimes I like how young I look.
What a fabulous topic! By the way, how do we thank someone for a post ? I can't find the right button ( the story of my life I guess).
I can relate to so much of what has been written. I never even knew I must be trans, up until quite recently I just thought I was a militant feminist (which I also still am). But now i do see that I am more.
My fears - and what is stopping me -
it would break up my family. I am a female, and straight - and although my my kids step-dad is a great, enlightened, caring man - we all have our limits. He would not be able to accept me without my breasts, having to shave my face and not my legs, etc. I am actually just starting to hint to him how I am feeling, it came up in a conservation where he said, "I so glad you are a woman", and I said , "at least that makes one of us". He won't get it, and I don't know if I have the heart the break his heart ( and my kids, although they are almost adults).
My kids might think I'm a "freak".
here is a big one - I just got over it. I'm attracted to men. Therefore I thought I must not really want to be a man. No, now I realize I will probably end up being a gay man. That took a little bit to get my head around. But I finally did. Whatever. i have also seen some posts that some gay men don't mind transguys who have not had bottom surgery. Ok. Of course, maybe enough T in me and I'll start chasing skirts. I've come to accept that if I do decide to go ahead with a transition - my sexuality will be whatever it will be.
What would happen to my professional life, the one I've worked so hard for, the one I'm barely starting and already in so much student debt?
Yet ----
I work with the dying. That being said, it gives one a certain perceptive. I don't want to go to my grave thinking 'if only I hadn't been so scared, if only I'd had more courage i could have had the i wanted'.
That is not to say my life has been bad, no there are parts that were terrific.
I just don't fit in being a female, even a "macho" female.
Henry,
Thanks for the props! Someone else once said that we tend to transition when we can no longer handle trading unhappiness in exchange for a "normal" life. The rings true, at least to me... YMMV, of course.
I know that if I go to my grave as a man, I'll be carrying a lot of regret with me. Screw that.
Johnnie