I've felt so crappy lately. I just don't know what I want to do with my life... I feel like a waste of space. I know other people in the world have it much much worse than me, and I understand that I have it good compared to others. But still, I feel stuck, lost and lonely... I tried talked with the school therapist multiple times, but they always never call me back down, even when I go in myself to see if there's anytime that they're free. I understand that there's kids that have many more problems than me, like I said before, but still... It kind of just makes me feel that I'm not worth their time. I had a GT for a while, but my mom refuses to let me see him again. I lost all of my friends due to issues that I do not want to get into, and due to my anxiety that has brewed from my trans issues, the thought of me even talking to new people makes me feel sick. I don't want to make more friends just to have them ditch me. Even when I try to be friendly and get over my anxiety, it always back fires. Last month some kid pushed me down the stairs at school, and I know for fact that it wasn't an accident. The only friends that I have are online friends, and even they don't know about me being trans. I'm scared that if I tell them that I'll lose them, and they are the only people that I have. Everyday I think about how much better it would be to just let go. I'm a waste of space and life, someone else suffering in the world deserves the life I have now, being the shelter over my head and the nice things that I have. I don't deserve anything. My whole life I've been nothing but a ****-up. I've failed school due to laziness, I've failed forming real life friendships due to anxiety and the fear of being hurt again. People have been there for me, and when they were I took them for granted. I know other people have it worse than me and I shouldn't waste their time with my petty problems. I don't want to take time away talking to a therapist when someone else needs it more than I do. And even when I do ask for help they never actually want to talk to me. I'm just a joke that sits in their own self pitty all day and can't pull out of it. I've tried no giving up, but it doesn't work, I just feel worse everyday.
Argh, sorry, I know I sound like a spoiled kid that doesn't know a real problem. I just have no one else that I ever let into my personal life, and I really just needed to vent... I know that I can fix my problems if I pull myself together, but I just don't have the strength too... Again, I'm sorry, but I needed to let this all out and not hold in my feelings forever. Sorry.
Hi Jack,
Sounds as if you are having a rough time. Can you report the bullying to your school counsellors? Because bullying is against the law and needs to be fought.
We all have bad times and sometimes we feel as if we are wading in mud in trying o go forward. No one cares and there is no one to turn too. But we do care and you can turn to us.
Developing friendships when you are 'different' is very hard. But the ones you do develop will be strong ones. Of small comfort is that I had no friends when I was at school, I was at an all male school (little did they know with me there it was co-ed :laugh:). But I couldn't relate to boys.
In your case it is the same but opposite. Sometimes we need to see the opportunities in these sort of situations. I decided that I wanted to live and be happy. So I developed the skin of a rhino. Nothing would hurt me, I studied like crazy so I could escape and do what I wanted to do. I ignored all of the mongrels and lived my life and yes it was damn hard. But I kept my dreams and hopes alive in that way.
I escaped. Thanks to what I went through I'm successful, I'm living as me and accepted by everyone I work with. The fools who taunted me and those who hurt me and raped me are still crawling under their slimy rocks.
I walk in the sunlight and I am happy.
Jack you can do this as well. The only person responsible for your success is you. And you sound like a focussed and determined young man who can walk the walk. Focus on the future, make a plan of what you want to do and who you want to be, then work towards it.
And you also have more friends and more family than most, because we are your friends and family.
Hugs
Cindy
You are a person who has value and deserves a wonderful future. Lots of us here have been through a similar time and we have beaten it. You can too. You have friends here from all over who won't judge you, and in time will find others closer to home, so don't give up.
I don't think it matters where you live or if it is 1969 or 2012. High School is a major entry in the list of "Things that Really Suck." The 60's were not a lot of "Peace and Love" for some of us.
But the thing is, it doesn't last, so getting into studying and aiming to be in a position where you can deal with the world on your terms is a realistic idea. Being friendless, in the sort of environment you are in sounds like a fairly sane reaction if people are so transphobic/homophobic that they will assault you and expect to get away with it.
We make the world we live in, with our own thoughts and attitudes, so we can change it too.
If you can focus on your own future, and say "stuff the rest", then attacking your studies and getting good marks will empower you, and affirm that you are a worthwhile person who has a real future. It will give you entry into the world of the nerds and geeks. That is where the truly interesting people live. ( Also they will be employing, and firing, the goons in the future too.)
Cindy and I are the first of many who will say hello, and be prepared to listen. That is what family should do, and Susan's is a really big family.
Karen.