This is for real life situations,
Who was the first person you came out to? I am in a debate on when, how, and who to come out too. I have been having a lot of struggles not just blurting it out to everyone in the middle of a family dinner and letting what happens happens, but I know that that isn't the best way to go about it.
I have been thinking about telling my mom first, because I think she may already know or have feelings. She asked me a couple months ago if I was gay, and I replied no because I am not gay? I don't know, I think it makes sense to people here more I am still trying to get use to all of this, but I don't feel gay, I feel like a straight girl. So, I was thinking about telling her.
Then the other option is I have a friend, we have been friends for a long time. And yes, he is a guy, and I think he is straight. I have been hanging out with him a lot more lately. Mainly because I have a small crush on him. And I don't know if he even suspects anything about me. Sometimes things he says gives me a hint that he may know, but I don't know if that is just in my head or not. And I was going to tell him about the way I feels and at least hope that he still wants to be my friend and not go telling my whole village (yes, it is a very stereotypical village where everyone talks) about me.
So, just wanna get some thoughts, stories, opinions.
I think a lot depends on your age and your social situation.
I told my wife. Then my sister. Then my wife told her entire family. Then my sister told her family. Then I told my other sister, and told her she could tell her family. Then my doctor. Then my boss at work. I told her she could tell her boss, and their bosses, and HR. Then my therapist. Then my pharmacist. Then my entire family. Then I went full time and told the 20 people in my department at work, then the 200 people who know me at work and all of my facebook friends. Then all of my career and college connections. Then my neighbors. Then everyone who knew me before who meets me since I transitioned. Now almost nobody except new people I meet in the TG community (like here at Susans).
I was most nervous about telling my family, so I eased into things by starting with friends. I started with a friend who I hadn't known for a long time, but trusted enough to tell them; then a number of other friends, followed by my dad, then remaining immediate family. After that, it was just people as they came up or as I felt it necessary to let them know. In the end, the order probably didn't matter, but having told a number of friends and not meeting negative reactions made it much easier to deal with telling my family.
My personal opinion is where you are in life.
I told my parents when i was about 13, a long time ago. I told my wife on our first date.
When I came out I told my family in one go, I asked them around for dinner and there I was.
When I came out at work I told all the people who for me.
Within hours it was all around the workplace.
That was fine by me.
My question would be; why are you nervous telling anyone?
Just tell them.
Their problem not yours.
Cindy
I told my wife and my best friend. They were both incredibly supportive - I knew my wife would be - she's such a wonderful woman; but it meant a lot that my BF was so supportive. She happens to be my ex-wife - we were never very good as husband/wife, but we've always been great friends - and one of her most redeeming qualities is that she seems to lack that filter between her brain and her mouth that most people have, so when she says something it's really what she thinks/feels. As such, getting encouragement from her meant a lot. I've since told another good friend that I used to work with who is in the process of transitioning herself. She's been incredibly supportive as well.
Beyond that I haven't told anyone else as I don't have my first therapist appointment until later this month - the one I initially chose was more than happy to work with me, but she strongly recommended I see another therapist in her building that has far more experience with this than she does. Between the holiday earlier this month and vacations it meant waiting a little longer than I wanted, but I did appreciate the fact that she was honest with me and recommended the other therapist to me.
Frankly I don't really associate with any "family" and haven't for years so I doubt I'll tell more than a couple of other people until the time comes (assuming that it will) that I'm on HRT and/or making a decision on going full-time.
Madison
I had this big elaborate coming-out plan, starting with my mother.
I took her out to lunch and told her in the car on the way home, and by the next day she had called my entire family ::) Thanks Mom, I was gonna do that but...whatever, this works too.
Everyone has been pretty awesome about it, save my ex wife. To quote her: "That wasn't a woman I was having sex with all those years." We have a transman for a son together though, so she has kind of had to put her money where her mouth is when it comes to accepting our kid but not me. She's coming around as I have been consistent for all these years, and demonstrated that it's not a midlife crisis or some other nonsense.
More than 20 years ago, after the therapist I had at the time, I told my best friend at the time. She was very supportive. To make a long story short, we eventual married and when I could no long be male, we divorced. So much for support.
I also told my Dad. His only comment was "not in my house". Hurmph. So I hide till 2008. I told my therapist. A great help. Told a friend who knew my history. She is still a great friend.
My younger Brother!!
lol I was 11, he was 9 and we were listening to the Prince song "Controversy" and for whatever reason i was compelled to tell him I thought I was a girl.
No one was suprised :-X
My college friends, right at the end of the spring semester my freshman year of college.
They didn't bat an eye; almost feels like I was the last one to find out ::)
My Mom, when I was 4. She caught me putting my sister dress. She told me: "boys do not wear dresses," I told her:"I am not a boy!"
Aww, thanks everyone! I appreciate the stories, I am going to be going to a therapist before I come out to anyone. Although, I am not too sure I am hiding it to well either. I don't know if it is how I talk or the things I say.
On a voice chat server I talk on I recently told everyone on there how I feel. I feel comfortable coming out online to people I know. And nobody was surprised except a couple people who didn't understand.
The first peson I came out to was my mum at about 5. She let me dress as a girl as I felt it was normal for me.
I tried to come out to my therapist a few years ago but due to the many other issues I never got that far before she took a break to have a baby and I could not get back in touch with her.
I have come out here and plan to make an appointment to see a threapist shortly
I use to write a female name I wanted to have with one of those old punch leters in and stick it to something machine and stick it to my bed, i'm not sure if any one ever noticed (I was 6 or 7), then when 13 I told my best freind, whom agreed to tell my dad while I hid under my bed, he just came up and told me it was not posible and I was being stupid and went back down stairs again, this kind of crushed me as from that point I did not think it was possible (this was way pre-internet and I had no information about anything trans. I'm so glad the internet was invented years later, it changed everything in the years to come for me).
I told my best friend when I was 23 - which was a mistake, because I hadn't taken into account that she was in the throes of very strong feminist conditioning, and she talked me out of it. I'm still trying to forgive her for that, even though I think I wasn't ready to transition in the 80's anyway. Now that I'm doing it for real 26 years on, she's still uncomfortable with it - and she's still one of my best friends. Hey ho, work in progress. Everyone else has been fine :).
I first told my sister. She was very supportive and she also helped me to tell my friends. Of course, she did have a lot of questions, but who doesn't? She helped me to learn about girls' fashion and about hairstyling. I only regret not telling her sooner.
After share here at Susan's. The first person I told my wife. She was not supportive.
After she found out I was on hormones and planned on transitioning she started divorce proceedings.
Next I told my grown sons and they are less than supportive.
And when I told my sisters they all but disowned me.
Recently after rumors started to spread at work I told some friends and they are very supportive.
So you never know.
I first told my sister, and she was supportive. And still is.
I told my dad next, in an email.
I had previously been asking him for like $60,000 all the time, and he was always like
"Why do you need it?" or "what has you so down?"
and so I told him I would need the money for a sex change. I was 15.
and then he told me, (something along these lines)
"I understand. And I will help you save if that's what you want. I dont have that money right now"
After that, I told almost everyone I knew.
Most people were supportive. Everyone on my dad's side of the family was.
and only one of my friends said
"You're not a boy."
and everyone of my other friends was like "I kinda knew you were a boy..."
and one kid in class said about me
"I THOUGHT HE WAS A BOY."
he used to ask me every day if I was a boy or girl.
So, everyone accepts me as a boy that knows I'm ftm, and most people that dont know I was born a girl, think I'm a boy.
And I haven't even started T yet.
Once-ler, I have to say that your courage is admirable. I wish I could tell everyone, but it's too risky as of now.
Diana, thanks.
I just cant not be open and honest with people.
If people ask, I'll honestly tell them. It's just my nature.
I think that's why people are so accepting of me, and how I educated a lot of people at the school I went to.
I'd rather be out and about being myself than feel miserable one more day pretending to be a girl.
If you think it's too risky, then don't tell everyone just yet,
but I figure I had nothing to lose (being that I was either going to kill myself or be out)
I really just went for it.
I just came out a week ago to my wife. She's been great, a little confused and scarred but very willing to understand. It helps that she likes girls too! What's funny is when we first started dating, and quite out of the blue, she forbid me from cross dressing! It was totally out of the blue too, I don't think she had any reason to suspect I would. Anyway, 8 years later and we're both very different people. Now she wants to take me shoe shopping =^.^=
My first instinct was to say "My husband", but now that I think on it, I told a cousin of mine about my feelings years ago when I was still in high school. Of course, back then it wasn't taken seriously and I hardly understood it, myself. When my husband and I first started dating a few years after that, I told him that my gender identity didn't really align with my birth sex all the time, but once again it wasn't really taken seriously or seen as a reason to make any changes. It wasn't until fairly recently (within the past couple of years) that I told my best friend and started being more insistent about my feelings with my husband. He's well aware of it now and that is why we intend to get divorced, but at least we will be doing so as friends. It's been a slow process telling everyone else in the meantime.
I first "came out" to a close friend. I had spent over a month mostly at my place processing all the feelings I had regarding this, and when I came out she was a natural choice. She was one of those who had got me to think about this, after all. And she had had a similar experience, too.
It was easy to come out to her, the people after that have made me feel a bit sad or confused or shy after I told them - even if most of them have said they sort of expected this about me. To my relatives I haven't said anything. There's one sister of mine that probably would understand (since she already feels a bond with me via being the only other "bi" in our family), but parents? Dunno, they had hard enough to tolerate me coming out as liking girls. Luckily I'm not as close to them as I could be, and it's possible that I never tell them.
First person that I came out to was my therapist. That really doesn't count though but that is how it happened for me. After sitting down and talking with a complete stranger for a few weeks though I built up the courage to tell my closest friends, and then sort of let the whole thing snowball from there. My parents we the last to find out in terms of the people who I am in contact with a lot, but that was because I really wasn't sure what to expect from them despite knowing them for my entire life. I built up a support network with friends and all so that if everything had come crashing down at least I would have somewhere to turn. Thankfully it all worked out though, but it definitely took some time for some people.
First person I told was my best friend, and she was completely fine with it. In fact she switched to the name I wanted to be called as soon as I told her. It was just such a relief to not act around someone and get it off my chest.
And then I was feeling braver because of such a positive reaction from her, I told one of my male friends and he was weirded out by it. Haven't really told anyone else.
Quote from: ReverseRainbow on September 30, 2012, 11:17:15 AM
First person I told was my best friend, and she was completely fine with it. In fact she switched to the name I wanted to be called as soon as I told her. It was just such a relief to not act around someone and get it off my chest.
And then I was feeling braver because of such a positive reaction from her, I told one of my male friends and he was weirded out by it. Haven't really told anyone else.
Glad your first reaction was so accepting, and sorry your second wasn't as good. Don't let either reaction keep you from following your heart.
You never can tell how someone will react until you tell them. You also cannot tell how they will deal with it long term based on their initial reaction- some folks freak out and then come around, and there will always be somebody who starts out supportive and then goes the other way. You never can tell because you don't know what expectations and inner conflicts people hold inside themelves.
If your guy friend was attracted to you when you were still presenting as female, it may make him question his own sexuality that he was attracted to a man, or he could feel hurt that his dream girl is becoming a dream man. Or he could just be a speak first think later type, who will come around.
First person I ever really told was a childhood friend of mine. She herself was apart of the LGBT community and was supportive. Unfortunately we haven't talked much since then though. :(
I told my parents after that and they were not supportive at all. My dad couldn't wrap his head around it and my mom refused to discuss it period. However, we've come a long way since then and they've both become more supportive... especially my dad.
I accidentally came out to another childhood friend. I had come out to her in high school... but the way I had come out was... too subtle and indirect. So I was kind of unprepared when I came out in a more direct fashion. I'm pretty sure it went something in the way of, "So, you know how I'm trans," She's been very supportive though.
I've told others too. Most of my co-workers, my sister, her husband, his dad, and an uncle.
After my wonderful wife of 7 years, I came out to her mother outside a jazz club in new orleans. ;D Went very well, too.... it doesnt hurt that there are so many lgbqueer members of that family, seriously about 10, not including my wife and mother-in-law! Very welcoming indeed....
I told people here and there as a kid but when I came back to the issue as an adult I first told my boyfriend.
Hi;
The first person I told was a Lesbian friend of mine. The next was a couple who were both bisexual (well the wife was). She was involved with my Lesbian friend and the wife used to go out on shopping trips together. The next person to know was my wife. She wasnot supportive and we ended up getting divorced. When I transitioned the first time, I came out to my one of the secretary, then her sister. She turned out top be a lifelong friend. Then it was GP then I then told my next door neighbour, then the couple on the other side, then of Russel Reid, then the beauty salon and so the transition started.
On my overseas stint, it was my various Lesbian flatmates, the second mother and her boyfriend, more women that I met
Hugs
After I accepted it myself, I talked to my girlfriend but never used the word transgender as we lived in different countries at the time and I didn't want to tell her over Skype or on Facebook, I was going back home for Christmas about a week later anyway. So basically, I told her, but I didn't. So, when I came home for Christmas, a couple of people already knew as she'd asked me for my permission to tell her best friend and some.
The first people I would've told were my friends from like 9th and 10th grade, via Facebook as I've not seen them since about that age. Neither of them were surprised, after all, I'd run around pretending to be their boyfriend all the time back when I was 14. Then the first person I told in real life was my ex-girlfriend, I was staying at her place after school was out for the holidays but my flight wasn't for a couple of days. I gathered up some liquid courage and told her, her reaction being, "Yeah, you basically told me back when we were together, but you're drunk so I'll ask you again in the morning." She never did and then four months later everyone was calling me by a male name and she came for a visit and sort of when, "Ooooh, I forgot to ask him about that again..."
I was at Starbucks with my second oldest friend and I was dancing around what was bothering me. So he says, "It's not like you want to be a woman!" So I blurt out, "Actually yeah, I need to be."
That was 12-13 years ago.
We're still friends and now that I've started HRT he's been as supportive as he can be being a few thousand miles away now.
The first person I came out to was my ex fiancé. Then second was my sister followed by my ex wife, and a couple friends from High school. My ex-fiance really pushed me and helped me come out to everyone after I came out to her. I didn't have any plan on coming out to her just kind of spilled the beans one night when we we're on the phone talking after our 1st break up.
I'm out to just about to everyone in my life now with the exception of 5-10 people at work. It definitely gets easier and easier the more you do it.
Let's see, the first person I told was an online friend. I had them log into Second Life to meet me there, and when I showed up looking like a guy it was an "Aha"-moment.
The first person I told outside of the computerized world was my GP, for a referral. Then my son, so he'd stop assuming every new pair of boxer briefs to enter the house was for him. Then my mother, so my son would have someone to rant to should he want to. A few months later my dad and siblings. They all took it well. I've been ridiculously fortunate.
The first person my fiance told was me, and this happened in a sort of roundabout way at first as she was still trying to figure out what she was thinking and feeling. After a few months, she gave me permission to talk to one of my close friends, which I needed to do to set up a support network in case of emergency. I chose her because she has been part of the LGBT community for a long time, and she has always been supportive of people, she can keep a secret, and she knows me well enough to recognize when I'm just having an emotional outburst and when I'm actually in need of help dealing with a situation. I haven't needed help so far, but there's no telling what is to come.
We're getting married in December, and we plan to tell our parents and my brother after the wedding for several reasons: first, we wanted to avoid any fallout from ruining the wedding for anyone. It is important to all of our parents, and so we want them to be able to enjoy the moment without emotional stress. Second, we need to tell them close enough to the wedding that they understand that I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. If we tell my mother too far after the wedding, she will feel like I've been trapped into the situation and will have a harder time accepting it. Third, we don't live near any of our parents, and it is important that we tell them this in person, and the wedding will give us that opportunity. It may not go favorably, but they will have the opportunity to ask questions and have emotional outbursts at us, and whatever else they may need to do.
Quote from: AnOwlForTara on October 15, 2012, 10:24:07 AM
The first person my fiance told was me, and this happened in a sort of roundabout way at first as she was still trying to figure out what she was thinking and feeling. After a few months, she gave me permission to talk to one of my close friends, which I needed to do to set up a support network in case of emergency. I chose her because she has been part of the LGBT community for a long time, and she has always been supportive of people, she can keep a secret, and she knows me well enough to recognize when I'm just having an emotional outburst and when I'm actually in need of help dealing with a situation. I haven't needed help so far, but there's no telling what is to come.
We're getting married in December, and we plan to tell our parents and my brother after the wedding for several reasons: first, we wanted to avoid any fallout from ruining the wedding for anyone. It is important to all of our parents, and so we want them to be able to enjoy the moment without emotional stress. Second, we need to tell them close enough to the wedding that they understand that I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. If we tell my mother too far after the wedding, she will feel like I've been trapped into the situation and will have a harder time accepting it. Third, we don't live near any of our parents, and it is important that we tell them this in person, and the wedding will give us that opportunity. It may not go favorably, but they will have the opportunity to ask questions and have emotional outbursts at us, and whatever else they may need to do.
Lovely. I wish you both great happiness and joy. You both deserve it and you are a bright light in the world.
Love to you both.
Cindy
Best wishes t both of you too.
Apart from my son who transitioned a few years before me, a couple of really close women friends I worked with.
After I went FT I sent or handed a letter to everyone I thought should know. As most of them are medical scientists it went absolutely perfectly.
Karen.
My brother. I was very nervous about talking to him at first. I mean very very nervous. But, the bigger deal I made out of it, the more he was worried that it was something entirely different.
He's been super supportive the entire time and has given me so much advice. I don't regret telling him at all. :)
I recently have been telling the people I trust with information, including two online friends, one long-distance friend, my mother, and three friends from school. I plan on telling one or two more peoples, but after this I'm going to wait until I start doing any kind of transitioning to say anything to anyone else.
I remember when I told a friend in October 2011 through texting before i fell to sleep. "I'm born in wrong body. I'm going to be a girl". she was the first to know. And shortly i texted another friend same night. Both of them were surprised, but said the same thing. If this is what could me happy, do it. Next day, I told one of my art teacher cause I felt that I was in need to relelase the pressure. I talked like for 30 min and I didn't even know if the words that came out of my mouth makes any sense, cause this was the first time i told to anyone in person besides from texting. My teacher was open minded and very supportive. She knew herself a transsexual in person, so this wasn't new for her. And my therapist was next. As soon I told her, she said that I was going to be replaced to another therapist who has the experience and education to talk to people who are TS.
And next step was to tell was everyone at my work. I was waiting for my boss to set up a meeting for everyone. But unfortnately, that meeting never came. But instead the headquarter put up a education lesson for our district in late May. I remember when we got 15 min break during the education, and I told my boss for a private chat. I remember how nervous I was. And when the education was over, the moment has come. My hand was shaking and finally I had 13 faces looking at me. " blah bla blah...I'm going to get a sex change" and there was a silence for seconds. So since then I was officially out. My co-workers still having problem with name and pronoun.
Also...I was living with my exgirlfriend until December 2011. I told her and she was not happy. This girl have some serious issues with moral. She thinks that it's cute, adorable, brave when gay guys hold their hands and kiss in public, but she also thinks at the same time that it's so damn disguisting and that homo/bisexuality is very sick. She wondered why I haven't told her earlier...
My mom, well. She reacted bad. And never got a feeling that she is beeing supportive. But I never got any real support since I came out. It's a difference with support over the internet and in real life. Always been supporting myself and alone in this journey.
I told my fiance first.
Graham was a guy I hooked up with in a gay bar in early 1979.I was wearing stretch jeans and Cuban heeled boots,he said I had great legs and ass and with my long hair I looked like a girl so I told him I wanted to be one.He was OK about it a year later I came out to a couple of friends and they were too.I wonder why it took me nearly 10 years to do anything about it!
My ex. We were pretty well into the relationship, but in the first year, I told him that I identified as male. I was fairly unconventional when he met me, and I was casting off the whole girl charade, getting my hair cut, and buying men's clothing. So he was attracted to all of that, apparently.
Right before I met my ex, I was in another relationship when I read a book about FTM transsexuals. I don't know what my partners thought of it or whether they knew; I was probably dropping hints, but I really don't remember. Then again, I came out of the closet and went back in so quickly that I might not have given them any hints at all.
My mother, but it would not have happened had I not been kicked out of the military for it first. I think having to stand in front of the base commander while he told me and my superiors that I had GID and was leaving for my own safety, gave me a bit of courage.
I first came out to one of my best friends who took in her stride and was basically like 'cool, when are you going to come out and what movie do you wanna watch tomorrow night?'
Her reply helped heaps. I then told a friend on the internet and then my brother. All were amazingly supportive.
I was gradual but I got there over a couple of months :)