Hello to everyone! Well, I never thought I would end registering here, but here I am.
I'm just a random 29 year old guy (not sure anymore), and not really confident about what my mind is trying to tell me at the moment. I have always had some sort of fascination for transgender topics since early age, but a week ago everything started to go completely nuts.
Up until now I had lived a nearly secluded life (thanks to my social phobia). Almost no friends, a hobby I used as an excuse to just see the years pass while sitting on the couch, no love life or anything else, just self-loathing. I used to feel like a zombie, unable to confront the life. Two years ago I started to improve by finally setting my foot on a gym and managing to get a more or less decent figure, try to get into a relationship, seek new hobbies and confront my fears. So far, so good.
Let's see how can I put this without harming anybody's feelings or sounding rough... I was watching a few transition pics, and I started to feel really, really weird, so I closed the browser inmediately. The next day I opened it again, and more weird feelings kept coming. Not all of those people started looking feminine, and some of them even reminded me of my own face. My mind was telling me that I should go FTM? Sure, I was adicted to trans porn, but this was completely different, like if a wall had been torn down. This was real people and not something created by the porn industry.
Unable to shake the idea from my head, I kept telling myself that it was impossible, and for each argument my mind decided to do another reply. "You know this has been on your head for a long time. You've been attracted to transgender since you were a kid. You look at your body and you would like to be more effeminate. You were happy when some sort of small breast grew on you. You know that when you were watching that porn, you were thinking that you would like to be like them. Heck, even you have autogynephillia. You even tend to imagine your life as a woman almost daily. Stop lying to yourself."
After four days of anguish and panic, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, like If I had to do a vital decision before it was too late. Too many questions, and my mind was going between "it's bullsh**, snap" and "I have to do it", although I was more and more convinced every time. In the end I booked a date with a therapist to explain her my problems, plus the social phobia issues. "You have thought a lot about it, but there is something that it's still biting you. We need to talk more about it to see if it can be linked to your other problems. If we can't do anything we will have to send you to another therapist"
That was on lasr thursday, and telling it to somebody at least served me as some sort of relief. The problem is that, at this moment my head feels rather clear about it, and If I could, i would start HRT now before I go completely bald. I never had a good image of myself, but now I look at my body and it feels as if everything is wrong. I know that I could never make it with my social phobia (here the treatment cannot be approved if there is another mental illness), so I'm trying to fight it with all my might.
And that's everything I can say about myself for the moment... I cannot wait for my next visit to the therapist, and in the meantime I keep reading about skin care, make up, and I just bought my first wig (couldn't resist, I need to know how I would look with long hair). I still have lots of questions, and I hope I will be able to find a bit of counseling here...
Hi Apples, :icon_wave:
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Hey there, Apples - glad to have you here!
Let me caution you about one thing - "Autogynophilia" is both a controversial topic here, and is largely discredited by most psychologists and psychiatrists.
Quote from: Apples on July 29, 2012, 05:09:46 PM
Hello to everyone! Well, I never thought I would end registering here, but here I am.
....
Up until now I had lived a nearly secluded life (thanks to my social phobia). Almost no friends, a hobby I used as an excuse to just see the years pass while sitting on the couch, no love life or anything else, just self-loathing. I used to feel like a zombie, unable to confront the life. Two years ago I started to improve by finally setting my foot on a gym and managing to get a more or less decent figure, try to get into a relationship, seek new hobbies and confront my fears. So far, so good.
Let's see how can I put this without harming anybody's feelings or sounding rough... I was watching a few transition pics, and I started to feel really, really weird, so I closed the browser inmediately. The next day I opened it again, and more weird feelings kept coming. Not all of those people started looking feminine, and some of them even reminded me of my own face. My mind was telling me that I should go FTM?
Hi Apples,
Welcome. You will find many people who share similar experiences. Having issues with your gender can make shyness, social phobia, or other problems worse.
By the way, when you said 'FTM', that comes from the phrase 'Female to Male' meaning a transgender person who transitions from female to male. From the other things you said, I think you meant to say male to female, or MTF.
-MadelineB
Hi Apples
I had a similar experience two years ago every little thought in my head finally linked up the pieces and clues that had been there all along and accepting that I needed to be the person I was inside
Now I'm getting ready to transition next month
Good Luck
Hannah
Quote
Let me caution you about one thing - "Autogynophilia" is both a controversial topic here, and is largely discredited by most psychologists and psychiatrists.
Yup, that's why I was talking about harming or beeing rough, I know that is not being liked a lot, and I wasn't sure about mentioning it... Sorry, everything's looks like mixed in blender for me at this moment.
QuoteBy the way, when you said 'FTM', that comes from the phrase 'Female to Male' meaning a transgender person who transitions from female to male. From the other things you said, I think you meant to say male to female, or MTF.
Duh! Every time I write it I make the same mistake. Sorry!
At the moment the only thing I feel rather bad about is not having noticed this ten years ago. Now I feel consumed, like maybe it is too late...
Hi Apples ,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hpe you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Welcome Apples - be patient with yourself. You've got a lifetime of conditioning and propaganda to step outside of, in order to find out who you are and what you want, it's okay to take your time.
Hi Apples,
Welcome and take stuff step by step, there isn't any race and talk to a therapist who can help sort stuff out.
Hugs from another Aussie
Cindy
Hi Apples, it's nice to meet you! Excuse me for a moment please. <turns around and slaps all the previous posters> How can every single one of you greet Apples without mentioning 3.1415? Slackers! See you around, Apples! Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 30, 2012, 06:10:34 PM
Hi Apples, it's nice to meet you! Excuse me for a moment please. <turns around and slaps all the previous posters> How can every single one of you greet Apples without mentioning 3.1415? Slackers! See you around, Apples! Hugs, Devlyn
Excuse me Apples, for hi jacking your thread for a moment.
*Whispering in Devlyn's ear*
For one very good reason. We didn't want her sitting on your window sill waiting for you to cool down.
That's no way to treat a new member of the family. You ought to know that. We'll talk about the 3.1415 (and a half) later.
Now where did you put the tea? Cindy's been screaming for one all night.
Thank you Apples. As you can see some of us are a bit odd.
Huggs
Catherine
Oh, umm, right. I'll put away the peeler and corer now. Cindy screams all the time, what of it? Hugs, Devlyn
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Not much
There coming to take me away Haa Haa Hee Hee
Fortunately Apples you have met the only sane person in this place
If I could remember who it was................
They say the mind goes first! Hugs, Devlyn
I was told that once the mind goes, everyday is a new beginning.
Nope! My mind is long gone, and every day is the same old same old! Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Apples on July 29, 2012, 05:09:46 PM
... I was watching a few transition pics, and I started to feel really, really weird, so I closed the browser inmediately. The next day I opened it again, and more weird feelings kept coming. Not all of those people started looking feminine, and some of them even reminded me of my own face. My mind was telling me that I should go FTM? Sure, I was adicted to trans porn, but this was completely different, like if a wall had been torn down. This was real people and not something created by the porn industry.
...
After four days of anguish and panic, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, like If I had to do a vital decision before it was too late. Too many questions, and my mind was going between "it's bullsh**, snap" and "I have to do it", although I was more and more convinced every time. In the end I booked a date with a therapist to explain her my problems, plus the social phobia issues.
...
That was on lasr thursday, and telling it to somebody at least served me as some sort of relief.
Hi Apples! Welcome, even though I'm new myself!
I actually read your post moments before I wrote my own introduction, and wanted to comment how similar I feel our experiences are. It's encouraging to hear the same reactions repeated in others. Why, I believe my first appointment was the Thursday before yours, so we even have it down to the day-of-the-week!
Sorry for being weird, I'm just on a high from seeing so many similarities with the other girls here :)