Good morning.
I just don't get to understand it. I'm 29 years old, and my mind is a complete mess since two weeks ago. The few people I talked about this kept telling me that it is imposible, That I should have shown some sort of "symptom" years ago, that I'm just a straight guy. And that's exactly my biggest question, how I didn't start to feel this until so late in life. Up until now I didn't have almost any kind of social life, pretty much like a hikkikomori but with a job. I wouldn't feel very attracted to the opposed gender or had a big interest in sex. An extreme case of social phobia
I think it's in part the fact of accepting that I didn't have another body and I would stay like this the rest of my life, I didn't know that this possibility of changing like this was real until one year ago. I hated myself and I could not think about my body, I would just enclose myself and spend most of my time enclosed between four walls. And now... I keep thinking that I have felt attracted to the transgendered for a long time, and since a few years ago, when I started to try and improve myself (go to the gym, get healthy habits), I would feel a bit strange with myself, as If my body now looked a bit effeminate and I liked it that way. I think I've been feeling "funny" in a lot of ways during the last year, but... My biggest is issue is that it still feels as too recent, starting to really think I didn't want to be in this gender just a week ago.
I've spent the first week after realizing this in a pitiful state, telling to myself that it was just OCD and intrusive thoughts. Constant anguish and fear, loss of apetite, insomnia. One part of me was telling me that I wanted this, and the other that I was making a huge error I would regret later.
In the end I decided to set an appointment with a private general therapist. I have been in a need of this for a long time, at least for my social phobia, but I was afraid even of telling this to an expert. In the end I managed to to it on the last thursday. During one hour and a half I talked about everything in my miserable life and all my childhood traumas, how I tried to fill a void in my life with all sort of hobbies just to abandon them after some time. She told me something like this.
"You are quite smart and you have talked very clearly about this, and seem quite sure, but something is still biting you, as if you weren't completely sure. But... Have you thought that this could be just another of your fads to fill your time and you would abandon this with time. We need to keep talking about this, since it can be related to your other problems. I want you to talk with other therapists here, and If we can't solve it in 4 weekly appointments, we will route it to other experts"
The truth is, my biggest fear was my family and how they would react. In the end I was forced to tell my father since he was so worried about my state (I couldn't even drive), and it was something like "Ah, it was only that? Don't worry, it's impossible. We would have noticed something... Well, I would have to accept it, but since it is not going to be real... You are just hypochondriac, as usual"[/i].
The truth is, after telling the therapist I could finally relax, and my mind is completely decided know, I have no regrets. But the thing is that I keep thinking that noticing this two weeks ago and never thinking about it until now or considering the possibilty could mean that it is only some sort of delusion. That "not showing any symptoms or behaviours before"... The thing is, I've have always lived in fear of expressing myself. I used to have fantasies about swapping gender since childhood that still continue today, but I couldn't do much, save for enduring constant bullying from students and teachers, and the only thing I have tried to do during my entire life is to try to not to look awkward in public, until I am alone and I would just want to crossdress... Damn, I've been wanting to wear girly clothes and have long hair for years, but my social phobia and panics kept restraining me.
Now I feel like I have wasted ten years of my life, blaming myself of not realizing this before (internet sorta opened my eyes), and wondering If it is still not too late. Maybe I don't have the best face, maybe HRT would help me... I just don't want to be told that I am a dude and ordered to take some meds to straighten my mind and conform to society. I think is the first time in my life I am really sure of anything, and I even want to overcome all my fears (I panic in some public spaces, the sensation that I look strange and people are looking at me, the panic of not knowing how to react... Yesterday I ended buying a wig (nothing expensive for the moment), I want to reunite the guts to enter a cosmetics shop and ask if they can help me to find the correct foundation for my face, even If I am terrified and possibly I will ran away.
So, in the end, I don't know? Is it too late? I'm just making it myself and lying? Should I have noticed "something" years ago? I never had much of a gender identity before, and it was more like being a blank slate. Not doing anything "manly" either, just surviving and worrying about myself...
No its not too late. Many people take a long time to find what is troubling them or driving them. Some of that depends on their upbringing as well. I knew was a girl wen I was about 5. didn't know what it meant BTW, I just knew I wasn't a boy, and not knowing what a boy was either. I came out to my parents when Ii was about thirteen, still with not a clue but knowing I wasn't developing like my sister and wanting to know why.
To cut a long story shorter, although it is all on Susan's, I went full time this year after being on HRT for 18 months. I'm just shy of 60. I'm disgustingly happy :laugh:. I have been accepted by everyone and I'm enjoying life like I have never thought possible.
You can too.
Hugs Sis
Cindy
29 is not too late to come out at all! I know someone who was older than 60 when she came out and she is now a very happy woman. It is completely normal to go through years of being confused or not knowing that transition is possible...
I first told my parents I was a girl and I was their daughter when I was 2 or 3, but I didn't know what transgender meant until I was 10 years old, and then it took me another few years to work up the courage to tell my parents that I wanted to transition.
OK, take me for some added perspective. I came out after my 'epiphany' at age 64!
2 years hence I done therapy, got my 'letter', HRT, SRS, and now FFS - so my live started pretty late, but better late than NEVER :)
I have NO idea really how I could have been so 'disconnected' for so many, MANY years, but there you have it.
No need to say more, or?
Axélle
It's also normal for people not to be sure until it's safe to be sure. Some of us had to wait until we were out of threatening situations before it was okay to admit the need to transition. There are all kinds of reasons why some people know earlier or later than others, and it doesn't in any way affect the "validity" of someone's gender dysphoria.
You will, sadly, come across people inside and outside the trans community who will try to tell you that unless you knew by the time you were potty trained, you're not a "real" trans person. This is rubbish.
So, as I've said elsewhere, take your time :).
Hi Apples,
Slow down and relax. You've just answered your own questions. Some them at least.
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 03:34:20 AM
And that's exactly my biggest question, how I didn't start to feel this until so late in life.
You did in a way. You mentioned you had gender fantasies to cope with things. Plus the fact you admitted to suppressing your thoughts and feelings.
Well what you've done in the past fortnight, has been to release those suppressed thoughts, built up over many years, and they have hit you in the face like a dozen jack-in-the-boxes.
What you are currently feeling is the rapid expression of suppressed emotions. Nothing unusual at all. Very common in fact.
And 29 IS NOT late. You'll have at least 50 years to accommodate this new spectrum, failing the proverbial bus, which doesn't happen.
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 03:34:20 AM
The thing is, I've have always lived in fear of expressing myself. I used to have fantasies about swapping gender since childhood that still continue today,
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 03:34:20 AM
Now I feel like I have wasted ten years of my life,
Not really. You've just spent 10 years of experiencing what not to do in the next 10+ years.
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 03:34:20 AM
So, in the end, I don't know? Is it too late? I'm just making it myself and lying? Should I have noticed "something" years ago? I never had much of a gender identity before, and it was more like being a blank slate. Not doing anything "manly" either, just surviving and worrying about myself...
Let me take these questions in order. You no doubt do really know. When you relax and start listening to your heart, you'll know where you are and where you want to go.
No it's not too late. No where near it
"Making it myself and lying?" I very much doubt it. You are the only one that can answer that, but I suspect you aren't.
You did notice something years ago. You chose to suppress it to the best of your ability and you created gender fantasies.
All is good for you. You are progressing well, just lock into what your therapist has to say and analyse it to check its integrity. Not all therapists hit the spot all the time.
Relax and enjoy the journey. Embrace it, it's yours and very unique. Celebrate it.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
I finally worked out why I had been miserable and lonely from the age of 13 or so, at 55. Today there is a lot more information about Trans issues that didn't exist when I was younger, so you should have an easier time of it. Pretty much everyone here spent a long time looking at all the alternatives before they decided that GID was the root of their problems. Your Gender Therapist sounds like she is taking you seriously and wants to eliminate the remote possibility that you are not Trans, given your previous coping strategies, which I tended to use myself.
Being a feminine gay man would have been far easier than MtF transition, I have no doubt. I would still have looked pretty much the same. Being Trans, I am in everyone's face so to speak, even though I pass pretty much all the time it is a lot more for them to cope with. I am mostly fine with it though rejection by some lesbians in my own age group has affected me a bit lately. The alternative to Transition would have been a lot worse, so I will work through these feelings.
Transition is difficult but you have a large family here to help you through the rough patches. Call on us whenever you need a shoulder to lean on.
Karen.
Apples, you say you have a "general therapist," and that;'s a start. But you might want to try to locate a therapist with experience in "gender" and "trans*" issues.
You have already overcome one big hurdle, by "coming out" to yourself.
Don't despair.
Thanks for your kind replies, but... Now I don't know what to think, as if fear is attacking me again. Like "you are faking it, you don't belong here."
It's just that I am not completely sure at the same time of feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body. I don't like a lot my body or my face, but at the same I am happy with my name or my genitalia, as if a was a bit in the middle of the scale. I don't hate all the aspects of being a man completely, and at the same time I feel that mentally I don't match on the typical stereotypes. I strongly dislike those oversexualized versions of women the industry is constantly feeding us, but... I don't know, I'd love to have a bit of breast, fix my nose, reduce that gigantic Adam's apple, have long hair (i have constant fears or going bald very soon) , but I would never get implants or go though SRS... Maybe my Gender dysphoria is just moderate?
Just to mention it, I have really low self-stem and an incredibly poor self-image. I see myself as something hideous. Some people tell me that I have a perfect body, that doing this would be a complete waste of manhood (girls), but I just look at my face and... a neck like vulture, gigantic nose, a brow like a Neanderthal, a skin that feels scarred after years of not caring it...
Maybe I am seeing this as a way of restarting life, unable to deal with the mess I have made with mine. I feel that I have failed to live up to the standards of a manhood, or just failed at life. In any case, this is far too dangerous for me at the moment. No only I have a intense social phobia, but also"avoidant personality disorder". Unable to talk to people, afraid of rejection, secluded life, and unable to form new friendships thinking that they will hurt me in a future, always worried about if they are looking at me... If you add all of these to the burden it carries following that path, I could possibly never make it. Although at the same time, it gives me strength to try and overcome my traumas... (Plus, in my country HRT cannot be aproved if you have another mental disorder).
Anyways, thanks for listening, it's like having a tornado inside my head. For the moment I want to center myself on fixing my body (lose all the remaining fat, get a routine of skin care, unclog those damn pores). In fact the thing I would like to do most at this moment is buying some foundation and concealer that matches my skin, but it is going to be a long time until I can overcome the fear of doing that in public.
PS: I had accepted the fact that I probably was bisexual, that I had fetish for cross dressing, but this...
Don't worry.
You have just met a heap of people who know what it's like. It can be very overwhelming.
Take your time.
Digest and start asking questions when you wish.
We all started somewhere and of course newbie's tens to get posts from people who are confident and outgoing
Don't worry.
We are here, and we will be here for you always
Hugs
Cindy
Don't worry too much about the Adam's Apple and the facial hair. Up until a year ago I worked alongside a woman scientist who had a prominent AA and a noticeable moustache, and she was stunningly attractive. Also married and straight dammit! ;)
Karen.
There's no official checklist - it certainly sounds like you're genderqueer in some way that's between not being and being trans. You only need to make enough change (come the time) to stop you feeling dysphoric, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to "want to go all the way" in order to go some of the way.
Quote from: Padma on July 30, 2012, 05:44:40 AM
There's no official checklist - it certainly sounds like you're genderqueer in some way that's between not being and being trans. You only need to make enough change (come the time) to stop you feeling dysphoric, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to "want to go all the way" in order to go some of the way.
Well, it's a way to put it. Like a partial transition, or nor transitioning to the extreme and having to take all those surgeries... I would like to change some things (I read about the changes caused by HRT and I'd love to get them), and retain others. Depends on the day and the moment. Everything still looks like a roulette, and the ball keeps moving. At the next time I may be thinking about really being a woman, and then turning again...
But that brow bone...Sheeesh, I've hated it for years.
Edit: The other day I was taking the metro, and I noticed a transgendered MTF person was at my side. Just seeing the mixture of factions was mesmerising, and I really wished to be like that.
there are no set rules to go by when transitioning. Just go at your own pace and stop whenever you come to a point that you are okay with. Many do not transition all the way and that is fine. You have to live your own life. One cannot controlwhat and how others will intrept your transition.
I will be 60 in a month and just came out to the world this year. I had to learn to live my own life instead of the one that I felt I had to in order to pleasse everyone else. This pasyt week I have never been happier. Others have noticed as well. It seems like my worries were for nothing. Its not perfect but it is improving as others get more comfortable around me.
Good Luck with your journey.
Hi Apples,
Couple of things to put you at ease.
1. Don't get hung up on labels. As Annah would say, "Labels are for candy packets." Labels are an attempt for those that have NO idea of what we are going through to try and shove us in a box for appropriate processing. Slow down and start listening to your heart.
2. Work on your self esteem. Without a strong self esteem you won't be able to build the confidence you need to assert yourself to the rest of the world. And if you can't or won't manage yourself through a strong self esteem, someone will manage you. That's the very LAST thing you need.
Once you have your self esteem and confidence, a lot of your queries and questions will be answered automatically. You'll have a deep and more relevant understanding of yourself and where you stand in the TG spectrum. You'll have greater clarity and more focused view of the particular destination you feel comfortable with.
Keep in mind too, that should you ever consider the path of HRT, not only will it change you physically, you stand a good chance of it changing you mentally, psychologically and philosophically.
Yes! Transition IS a life changing process. Both outside AND inside.
Relax and take it in as you need. Don't rush or jump to conclusions, just because some one said so. GID is like being at a buffet. Don't eat it all too quickly or you'll get TG indigestion.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Taking notes, taking notes :)
About the HRT, is just that when you hear the people talking about that feeling of peace... I could use some of that. Luckily I have perfect health, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, and my blood analysis always come perfect.
For now, I'd like to try crossdressing (at home, of course), but I'm having serious issues with finding the color for the foundation through internet. I've tried to check my photos, but each one has a different lightning, so nothing, and I'm too afraid of asking at a store. I know that it needs to be full coverage and work in oily skins, but.. I don't see the light a lot, so I have absolutely no tan . I will need to blind buy a few ones online for the moment...
BTW, I'm lucky I have sparse beard that just won't grow and low levels of body hair. It always hated not being able to grow a beard, but now it feels like a blessing. And to think that as a kid I was pissed that the girls had more vellus than me on the arms...
Hi Apples,
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 09:19:55 AM
Taking notes, taking notes :)
Good work!. Now this is where you can put practicing your self esteem to a good use. You must have in town somewhere a $2 shop or something like it, that has cheap makeup.
Go there and just look at the available colour range and chose something near what you want. If it doesn't work, throw it out, After all that's the reason for going to the cheap shop. Once you've got your colour, take that sample and go up in quality LATER. Let's not waste our resources at this end of the journey.
Push your boundaries while you are there and ask for some assistance. I promise you they WILL NOT kill you. Just remember. YOU have the money, They have the product. Any one in business respects the fact that they need to
please YOU, so, they end up with YOUR money and YOU end up with THEIR product.
You in fact now have won twice as much. You've got the product and you've got the self esteem you need. Don't cheat yourself by buying on line. Challenge yourself.
Enjoy and embrace it
Huggs
Catherine
Then I will ask for help. Today I checked the store and the Max Factor area is in a more or less hidden zone, so that should help me a bit. Worst case scenario if they ask, I can say that we are shotting a short or that I need it for a photo session (I'm an amateur photographer).
Lately I kept testing myself to fight the phobia, with thing so weird as using short trousers again... Just to discover that all of them look as if they belonged to an elephant. I've lost so much weight since the last time I used them.
Congratulations Apples.
You are absolutely fabulous.
Quote from: Apples on July 30, 2012, 09:47:48 AM
I can say that we are shotting a short or that I need it for a photo session (I'm an amateur photographer).
That's exactly it. Keep doing that until you build the confidence to change the story to the truth. Works a treat. In fact once you have
that confidence, it's amazing how much more help you'll get.
Keep this up and you'll be flying through your journey in no time.
Huggs
Catherine
You'd be amazed how often people don't ask you what you want it for when they're selling you something ;D. I don't think anyone's ever asked me that, ever. Go for it :).
[countdown=MONTH,DAY,YEAR,HOUR,MINUTE][/countdown]Hi Apples
I remember having low self esteem as a teenager and in my early teens being somewhat shy. around the age of 18 that was no longer the case and the best thing to do was to just Challenge myself and try anyway. The more you try the more you will experience that you can do it. The first time might be awkward but you will improve. just keep trying! It must have taken quite some courage to share this story with us. Try to carry yourself with some pride (not arrogance) and others will treat you with more respect. if you learn to gain more confidence in yourself you will learn a great deal about yourself too and get to know yourself and what you want in life better.
As for the gender dysphoria... no it is not strange to realise about your gender issues later in life.. you are still young...probably a lot more people start out late than you might think. i transitioned in my teens so i have little knowlwdge on that. but remember... transition is not a race, just do whatever feels comfortable and try to get some support from someone you trust. do everything at your own pace and keep working on your self image. You just deserve to be happy and loved like everyone else! Good luck and hugs, sweetie
I managed to get it without a lot of problems. Something like "This will remove a bit the shinyness? We will need to shoot with flash"
"Yes. How is the skin you need it for?"
*Point with a finger to my face* * silence* "It's complicated".
"No problem, *laughs*" (it was a girl younger than me).
At this moment I'm having one of those Reality check / What the heck am I doing / back to my old self /really frightened moments. Sorry, I need to get out. Everytime I read something like "beggining your journey" I get afraid again. Sorry. Gota leave.
Let's face it: This would be more of a problem than a solution. I'm ugly as feck with the worst possible combination of a face ever seen. I look more like a chimp than a human, and the mirror is there to remind me about it. Gigantic hideous nose, eyes practically lodged on the back of the head, fallen eyelids with excess of skin, protruding brow bone, almost diagonal forehead... I would need practically all the existing surgery operations to look normal, and I would take the savings of a lifetime..
Nah, this is not for me. People like me are just monsters, errors that should have never existed. Sorry about all of this, it was an error from the beggining. In moments like this I question why the heck I was born. Everything in me is hideous and malformed. Not worth keeping with any of this. This was only some sort of delusion into thinking that magically would look completely different. I'm pathetic.
Quote from: Padma on July 30, 2012, 04:15:37 AM
It's also normal for people not to be sure until it's safe to be sure. Some of us had to wait until we were out of threatening situations before it was okay to admit the need to transition. There are all kinds of reasons why some people know earlier or later than others, and it doesn't in any way affect the "validity" of someone's gender dysphoria.
My therapist and I were discussing that very point this afternoon. In my case as a youth I was deathly afraid of my father (he was a heavy drinker - I'm assuming he still is I haven't had anything to do with him in years) and how he would react - that was the late 70's/early 80's and there wasn't the wealth of information/support that there is now. I got married and had a daughter at a fairly young age and the need to provide for her (and my wife) was more important to me than my personal "need" to transition. Now with my daughter grown and my second wife being so supportive I find that I can finally be a little "selfish" about things and pursue transitioning. Do I wish I could've done it before I turned 40 (well 41)? Yeah, I do. But as others have pointed out, it's never too late and I look forward to finally being me.
Madison
Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.
Quote from: Apples on July 31, 2012, 01:27:18 AM
Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.
I get it. I really do. You are probably very attractive as a man. I don't want to hurt your feelings. But it might work to your advantage. Some of the very best looking and desirable women have very masculine traits. I'm not lying.
Sorry about yesterday. It's just that this is why I almost want to break mirrors. I've never been able to identify with my face in my entire life, I can't even recognize the person looking at me on the mirror, and each time I feel more and more trapped in a shell. My body is more or less okay, but my face...
http://i.imgur.com/VG3xm.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/VG3xm.jpg)
I recorded this video for a girl that really wanted to see me while she was recovering on the hospital, but...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRADV2Twwis
Each time is more and more difficult to recognise myself
Quote from: Apples on July 31, 2012, 01:27:18 AM
Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.
Funny thing about looks. We always see the flaws in our selves, and usually others don't see them. You ask any woman about her figure, her look, her face, her hair; and I will bet you that not a one will say they are happy.
So what chance have you when you are just starting on it!! Changes happen so dramatically and quite quickly. A bit of make up a new hair style some cute clothes and accessories and bingo.
You don't believe me? Go to any of the You tube make up sessions for FEMALES, see how a nice looking but rather plain woman changes her self into a very attractive woman with some make up. Then if you wish, look at some of the MtF make up transformations.
So don't give me I'm as ugly as a duckling stuff, we work on it to make ourselves good looking. It isn't always genetics :laugh:
Build on the confidence. Do stuff to build on it. The key to passing is confidence.
Hugs
Cindy
Apples - a couple of things.
First, take a look at the "Before and after" topic. There are natal men there who, many would agree, would have difficulty passing, yet, within a couple of years, they do pass. In fact, some are gorgeous.
Part of that is because there are many things in common between the male face and the female face - and where there are differences, they can be corrected with FFS.
Also, body form is maleable. With work. Things that cannot be changed, like shoulder width or pelvic girdle, can be disguised. (A side note here - look at the broad shoulders on the Olympic women swimmers. Would anyone mistake them for men?)
IMHO, the most important attribute of the MtF is attitude. It is knowing what you are inside. With that surity and confidence, you will be able to accept the outside, and work to make the changes you want to see.
Dunno. I was quite sure and my moments of "WTF am I doing" were becoming less frequent, but after reading this...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=84056.0 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=84056.0)
" You typically will be in your sixties, long past the glory days of satin corsets and spike heeled patent leather pumps." Among lots of other things.
Not so sure anymore. The question of "If ten years later I realise that I was wrong, can I stop?" still lingers now. As mentioned before, I don't have a true feeling of being mentally a woman, and at this moment I seriously doubt I will ever have. Still feeling like something in the middle, and couldn't possibly live without that part of my anatomy. I don't think I would finally go full time and I still will appear like a man at some times... I can't fully give away who I am.
And the confusion is back again. I almost have had no life in all those years, just surviving and I still feel like a blank slate at life with almost nothing I will be losing (apart from a few close friends, I have nobody, I almost haven't experienced what love is, and my job is the only thing that keeps me away from going crazy). Except for the weekly jerking to fight sadness, I've been more like an eunuch than a man. Sometimes I feel like I could give away almost everything to make this anguish go away... But I still believe that no matter how many hormones or surgeries get in my body, I still will be the same.
Or maybe when I overcome my mental disorders and barriers this will dissapear too...
I don't understand it anymore. When I see somebody transitioning it my heart starts pounding and encourages me to do it as if it was the thing I most desire in this world, but if I try to think about my life after that... I think I still will be the same, and considering I have nothing to lost... In that thread mentions something like losing a wife or a family, but I have nothing, apart from my parents. After transitioning I would still do the same job (I lift a lot of weight just to show off, but it is not required to be a bodybuilder to do it) on Information and communications technology (which requires me direct contact with a lot of different people, many of them who I have never known. Sometimes I would need to look like an effeminate man to keep protocol or meeting a lot of strangers), but as for the rest... I only have my family, a few close friends and my hobbies to fill time. I still haven't build a life to loss, so apart from having some sort of physical / psychological regret later, I don't have a lot to lose.
Short answer: Still believing that all of this could be a fantasy I have maintained during the years to cope with my traumas, and a way of restarting my life, but I could never fully give away my current persona. Also, still afraid of leaving a lonely life after the change and being an outcast only accepted inside small groups.
After 30 years I still don't know who I am or what I want. I could keep on writing forever. Is like I wish to be a woman or resemble it, but still appear like a man when needed. I can't discard everything.
More and more edits...I don't know. Maybe is just an aesthetic wish after my low self steem? An swan that wants to be a duck just fo feel better? I don't know what "being a woman" is, I'm just me. I've never stuck with stereotypes. Nothing feels as black and white. Will I just be an undercover man? If a change will I discover that I really had something to lose? Will I die alone and miserable (like now) or try to kill myself after realizing my error? An "old ->-bleeped-<-" and a monster?
Still more and more edits. I don't know anything anymore. What If I really am not bi? Who would want a fake woman with an oscar mayer hanging between the legs? To me, I can't ask for a mutilation. I have wondered sometimes about having something inside, but cutting that is as cutting a hand or plucking out an eye to me. I hate the form of my body, but not its parts. I haven't hated it on 30 years and I can't start now. Maybe after some time I will request a lower dosage of hormones and be happier being something more androgynous?
And I keep editing. And what will I tell the therapists when they ask me why I want this? I don't know. It is not the clothes. Neither the social position (it will be harder to live like this). Apart from the childhood, beatings and only being accepted by the girls, I don't have any "determining factor", save for my imagination and the fantasies working involuntarly as scapism, in which I always though about another world and I always appeared as a woman or something intermediate. It's not being able to use makeup (in fact is a burden), or being told I am pretty. It's like a gut feeling. I don't have anything special to say and prove it. Saying that I hate my face and my body would only be regarded as a negative self-image... My next visit is on two days.
Hi Apples,
OK, it appears we are getting down to the shape end of the stick. The rapid change in your thoughts and emotions is basically coming from the suppression they have been under.
Stop the self analysis, it's getting you no where in a hurry.
To guide you through this labyrinth, find yourself a good trauma/TG therapist and start dealing with the traumas, you've mentioned. I tend to think, these traumas are driving a lot of the aberrations you have with respects to your insecurities / identity issues. After that, start with your gender identity.
HRT generally provides you with an almost immediate calming effect. The longer you are on it, in most cases the more feminine your brain becomes as the estrogen excites the estrogen receptors in the brain. This generally, under good supervision by your therapist, will give you clarity and understanding of your possible future. The physical feminisation of your body will further affirm whatever state of mind you are in at the time.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
The first visit I had was just a calibration one, before moving to another expert, including a psychiatrist (they have about six, including a sexologist). They said that if the couldn't solve everything on 4 weeks, they would route it to other therapists... I need to ask what did she mean with this.
I don't know how much this will take, but I hope it is not years (my hair is falling too quickly and I'd rather start taking something to counter the loss). I't rather start on november if possible. HRT is provided here by public health care, including a special unit for GID, but the requisites are:
- Papers signed by an expert (psychologist, psychiatrist or sexologist) that acknowledge the need for the patient to change his/her primary and secondary gender characteristics in order to make a normal life.
- Said paper must mention that the desire for changing the body is not caused by of another mental disorder (what they want to know with me).
- It's recommended to undergo between one-two years of real life experience before starting HRT. Absolutely not possible, that means the end of my job.
Worst part is that the system is so clogged that you may need to wait for 6 months until the first visit, and will try to kick you out directly just to conserve money, with advices like "start being more manly". And that's why it's better to find a private therapist here. Still, after this four weeks I may need to get in touch with a local trans community for advice, if it exists.
When I think about all the burocracy it is going to take until it is approved (If I am not rejected), I get rather depressed. I'm going to end bald at this rate.
By the way, mi biggest issue with HRT would also be the loss of sex drive and erections. I have read about it a bit, and If it can be adjusted to keep it, it would be fine with me. I don't need immediate effects and lower doses would be more than enough... For me, losing that capacity could kill everything.
And even more, If I think about the muscle loss... I still need to be able to lift at least 30 kilos at work. But what worries me is that improving my body also helped me with my self-steem. I really need to think about this.
Can´t sleep, scared again. Everything started with the Cons of HRT and some changes. Losing the muscle mass means that I can lost something important to me. After a childhood of bullying, having a trong body is something that helps me a lot with having a sense of security. Plus, I like not having to rely on anybody to do the strenght demanding tasks, specially now that my parents are getting really old. Going to the gym and pumping my body is my best way of relaxing and building confidence (the sense of acomplishing something when everything hurts).
That was the first one, but now comes something darker. I have only thought about the physical changes, and maybe only that feeling of peace, but... If my perception changes, if my way of seeing things changes, if the sensibility is changed... Who will I be? Will it be me the new person? I though my mind would remain the same no matter what, but now, I'm afraid to go down the tunnel. To turn into something else and never be the same...
It is too much, like a virus who will rewrite me at my Id and will also affect the Ego. I feel that only the super-ego is holding me away, and I need to hold to it. This is far more serious than I thought. Like I will dissapear and something different will emerge. There is a barrier between fiction and reality.