Good morning.
This seems to have become my latest obsession. When I see people transitioning my heart starts pounding, like an unconcious wish to follow them, but other things scare me, specially the mental changes. I keep saying that I will always be myself, but when I read people talking about the changes... Like now feeling attracted to men, or seeing the world on a different light, etc. I feel afraid that my persona may disappear completely and be replaced by another one. I don't have much of a personality, and I am really afraid about what I will turn into.
Apart from the mental thing, two other issues worry me:
- The loss of muscle mass: I've been talking at work about what would happen If due to some health issue, such as a back problem or surgery my weight lifting capacity would be reduced. Not incapacitating, but on some special tasks I would need some help. They told me that the enterprise would provide the necessary means for me to be able to do my job, and to stop straining myself as I do know (I keep trying to show that I am worth). After a life of being like jelly, now having a more or less defined figure and strong arms has helped me developing some self steem and confidence. I don't know how losing that would affect me now. At the gym the girls still lift smaller weights on different exercises, and I don't know if could adjust my programming. It's good for my mental health, and cardio only is not enough for me.
- The "sex" question. Most of my life I have had problems even to masturbate, thanks to a bad case of phimosis (having to develop new methods to cope with it), which I hope to get fixed on the following month and enable me to have "normal" sex. Even though I still have the libido of a teenager and sometimes it's a bit too much, It is not something I want to lose. I'm not interested on an orchyectomy or SRS, and I don't want it to be a dead appendix just hanging there limp till I die. Can the HRT be adjusted to not to completely kill it? It's important to me. It has given me lots of problems with the urgent need for sex and almost ruining some relationships, but I can't lose it. I know that after HRT it will be really difficult to find a sex partner interested on that, but still, I need it.
Quote from: Apples on August 01, 2012, 03:29:16 AM
Good morning.
This seems to have become my latest obsession. When I see people transitioning my heart starts pounding, like an unconcious wish to follow them, but other things scare me, specially the mental changes. I keep saying that I will always be myself, but when I read people talking about the changes... Like now feeling attracted to men, or seeing the world on a different light, etc. I feel afraid that my persona may disappear completely and be replaced by another one. I don't have much of a personality, and I am really afraid about what I will turn into.
I'm still essentially the same person I've always been.. Just a happier, more open version of myself. I haven't really changed in any significant way.
QuoteApart from the mental thing, two other issues worry me:
- The loss of muscle mass: I've been talking at work about what would happen If due to some health issue, such as a back problem or surgery my weight lifting capacity would be reduced. Not incapacitating, but on some special tasks I would need some help. They told me that the enterprise would provide the necessary means for me to be able to do my job, and to stop straining myself as I do know (I keep trying to show that I am worth). After a life of being like jelly, now having a more or less defined figure and strong arms has helped me developing some self steem and confidence. I don't know how losing that would affect me now. At the gym the girls still lift smaller weights on different exercises, and I don't know if could adjust my programming. It's good for my mental health, and cardio only is not enough for me.
I've not really had any loss of muscle strength. I would say I've lost some mass, but my lifting ability is pretty much the same as it's always been.
Quote- The "sex" question. Most of my life I have had problems even to masturbate, thanks to a bad case of phimosis (having to develop new methods to cope with it), which I hope to get fixed on the following month and enable me to have "normal" sex. Even though I still have the libido of a teenager and sometimes it's a bit too much, It is not something I want to lose. I'm not interested on an orchyectomy or SRS, and I don't want it to be a dead appendix just hanging there limp till I die. Can the HRT be adjusted to not to completely kill it? It's important to me. It has given me lots of problems with the urgent need for sex and almost ruining some relationships, but I can't lose it. I know that after HRT it will be really difficult to find a sex partner interested on that, but still, I need it.
After 15 months of HRT I still have full function. Well, kind of. I need to be in the right mood and need some 'warming up' first, but it still works the same as it did before. I think a lot of the 'dysfunction' you read about is more about what's going on in peoples heads than an actual issue with the 'equipment'.
The self keeps changing anyway (sorry, Buddhist smarty-pants response, but true...) - the way I see it, I'm gradually becoming more myself, and transition is definitely an aspect of that.
Quote from: kelly_aus on August 01, 2012, 03:41:37 AM
I'm still essentially the same person I've always been.. Just a happier, more open version of myself. I haven't really changed in any significant way.
That would be good. I still see everything in grey, although now is more like having a grey filter.
Quote
I've not really had any loss of muscle strength. I would say I've lost some mass, but my lifting ability is pretty much the same as it's always been.
It's one of my weirdest issues. I have a long muscular neck and "Chun-Li" Thighs, which I wouldn't mind if they reduced a bit and allow me to fit in slimmer jeans (I can raise about 65 kilos with my legs). In fact, one of the most important issues for me is that by orders from my doctor, I need to keep strong legs and knees to balance my knee problems.
Quote
After 15 months of HRT I still have full function. Well, kind of. I need to be in the right mood and need some 'warming up' first, but it still works the same as it did before. I think a lot of the 'dysfunction' you read about is more about what's going on in peoples heads than an actual issue with the 'equipment'.
Since the last year I'm having more and more problems to keep an erection with normal porn, having to resort to prostate massagers, a lot of foreplay and putting my mind into it to keep me at a maximum, so I guess it's partially in my head already. As it happened the last time i was with a girl, I can't work in "direct sex" mode, I need to play a lot and build atmosphere. I hope this will keep helping.
Remembering what a gay friend told me... "No matter if a man is heterosexual, most of them will love dicks".
Hi Apples,
I've been on HRT for some time now. Just for background in Australia, or at least where I am, we see a psychiatrist to help with problems during transition and my hormones are monitored by an endocrinologist and my GP (family doctor) is a friend who also takes a keen interest in my health. So I'm pretty well covered by people I trust.
Mental changes, none for the worse. I'm very happy very content and have not lost any of my mental faculties. HRT should not in itself change your sexual orientation. It may magnify your sexual orientation in that your personality is more 'liberated'. That is you are more likely to follow sexual desires that you may have repressed. I've been married for a long time but we very rarely had sex after the first five years as I wasn't interested in woman as sexual beings. Marriage was a way to be 'normal' I love my wife deeply and she knew of my orientation and TG issues before we married.
I'm a straight female, in that my preference is for male partners. I'm not sexually interested in Gay men. I have remained faithful to my wife and will remain so. My sexual interest and attraction to men has increased while being on HRT but I think it is because I now live my life as me, rather than a fake me. I do not have spontaneous erections but I very rarely did anyway, so HRT has not changed that. I rarely have erections anyway as I dislike touching that part of my body.
Many MtF maintain the ability to have erections and to have penetrative sex. The biggest sex organ we have is the brain, and that dominates how we enjoy our sexual life. I find penetrative sex for me into someone else unpleasant to even think about, so I don't.
Muscular strength. This is a bit of a doozy to be honest. I work out in a gym and do mainly cardio and stretch and flexibility exercise. I have lost some upper body strength, but I haven't tried to maintain it either.
Before I went on HRT many people could lift bigger weights than I could anyway. BTW I'm about 60 kilos and about 5' 8" so I was never Mr Universe anyway (Thank Goddess ).
My feeling is that if you keep training up you may not lose upper body strength to any great degree.
Having said all that you need to explore these issues with a good qualified gender therapist. As you are realising many MtF people are undergoing procedures to present as their female self and have few if any qualms about keeping male characteristics. o it may be worth discussing that.
There are a number of people who are androgyne, in that they have both male and female characteristics. There are many androgyne's here and it may be sensible t post in their section for thoughts and advice.
Finally, as you probably have noticed in this soup of people, that there is nothing that is normal or abnormal. We are people and we have aspirations to be happy. Your happiness and your identification is just as valid as mine. So don't feel that there are 'rules' about being male or female or the whole spectrum within.
You are you, and we are here to help
Hugs
Cindy
It took me years to lose my strength. During the first 5 years, I did lose muscle mass.
Look, if you are truly dysphoric, and it certainly sounds like you are, the changes can be a blessing. All this crap running around in your head goes away. Your personality won't change... neither will your voice unless you work on it.
Most of us move on to other work after transition. Some don't.
It's good that you are thinking through all the ramifications. But you don't need to plan it all out right now. It is important to get in touch with a qualified therapist that can help you along the way.
Cindi
For me the evil T at puberty just put me into fog, I can't be myself, disgusting horny, aggresive and all my feelings and emotions disappear somewhere, I really missed them.
So for me hrt was just something what release me from that male skin which smother me, i was just a zombie, now I'm free (ok no fully, still have boulder on my leg, but much better), feelings and emotions are back, I can cry, I can be happy, and I finally found peace
I'm myself again, I wasn't myself when T cloak me :'(
Not sure about what I can do with my voice. Since I need to work in a tongue that is not my native one, I had to work a lot on intonation for years, and at this moment I will have two different voice types, my strong one which I only use when excited or with friends, and the softened / timid version I use with people I don't know or I am not sure about how they will react.
I can't leave my job. With a 25% unemployment rate on this country, having an occupation is like a blessing. Luckily it's a place were people from all over europe work under the same roof, so they should be more tolerant to changes. The only problem is that since everybody sees me daily (I'm the only person who knows everybody here), concealing changes would be a bit more difficult than If I was stuck on a cubicle. Not that I can leave, though. It's rather hard to find a person with my characteristics to do this (specially the language thing). I have a lot of social phobia, but on work mode it disappears almost immediately.
I generally swim against the general consensus when it comes to voice. I use the same voice I've always had. It's neither high nor low pitched - it's just kind of in the middle ground and works fine for me.
This might also sound odd.
Transitioning has very little to do with society or the people who know you.
Transitioning is to do with you.
The people who transition successfully don't really care if they blend in, they are perfect womanhood or they are some gorgeous creature.
They are accepted as themselves.
I had a long discussion yesterday with my psychiatrist and I was explaining how surprised I was at how easy transitioning had been so far. His response was interesting. his first comment was that 'People don't have a choice but to accept you as a woman' 'Your personality doesn't allow them a choice' 'You are a woman, you act as a woman, you dress as a woman, and hell to anyone who is stupid enough to contradict you, because you will tell them what you think of them'
Nice compliments I thought and described me well.
I was so timid, so weak, so afraid, so s**t scared of being recognised as anything. Even as a human being, when I came to Sue's originally. I lived a life of fear. I was miserable lonely and frightened. Not a friend who knew the real me.
Mmm things have changed. Therapy helped but it helped by letting me understand me. behind the facade was a very strong woman, and once I came out to the world it as marvellous.
This is the same for you. You are placing the barriers of fear in front of you. This is totally understandable. But try try try to keep the brain fluid. And don't be frightened, take it at your pace. It is your life.
The biggest problem is going to be overcoming exagerated shyness. Fighting the basic aspects of my phobia is easy, but I have never had the guts to say something to a girl on a disco, and after HRT it would be even more difficult. Not having social skills + that body is 100% death. I still need to be able to function like a normal person first.
I became myself once I started transition, and HRT just confirmed that.
The Depression that had been haunting me for the previous 40 years, due to undiagnosed GID causing my mind to distort everything ceased within days and has not returned.
I still have patches of disappointment, loneliness or sadness due to the actions of others, but I now see that it is my reaction to events, and they go as quickly as they come, unlike previously when I would stew on things for days.
I have lost a little upper body mass and strength as well as endurance, but that could be the effects of age too (I'm 58), so if you work out a little you should be fine by all accounts.
Like Cindy said, transition is for you. The rest of the world can just get used to it and like it!
Karen.
The notion that transition is an internal not external process is an interesting one. My speech pathologist said to me last year that I could transition tomorrow and live life as a woman.
I responded by explaining that I needed to start HRT and get more laser done and progress with speech therapy.
She told me that I didn't need to do all that. If and whenim ready all I have to do is make the decision
She was quite right.
Twelve months later I'm a lot closer to making that decision and am working on making myself more comfortable with the idea of living as a woman - starting HRT is next. Further transition is contingent on the results.
To the original poster - keep working on your fears and don't worry about losing yourself or your persona, it won't happen. We can't control being born with gender incongruence, we can, to a large extent, control our transition.
Thanks. Then there are less problems. The only thing left to, apart from following the appointments with my therapist, is to keep working on fighting my fears... And start saving for surgery.
It's just that for me, this is a battle against time with my hair.