So for the past couple months, the array of people I've come out to has been growing and growing. I've had a lot of good experiences, but not without a couple bad ones - mostly including religious posturing, but something happened last week that I really don't know how to feel about.
I wanted to come out on Facebook a couple weeks ago, to really publicize what I was going through, but before I did that (which I did eventually do to great success, by the way) I at least wanted to be considerate to my younger brother and my youngest cousin by telling them beforehand so they don't get an upsetting surprise along with everyone else. My brother was okay with it (as okay as "I don't like having to hear that but I'll always love you and support you" can sound, anyway) but my cousin took it worse. MUCH worse. She has this kind of idea in her head that we make better siblings to each other then we do with our own siblings - we're both people who were constantly shunned by our brothers and sisters when we were younger, to the point that there were times the both of us disowned them. Clearly, my relationships with mine got better.
But where this story goes into "uh-ohville" is the point that I work with my cousin in the same factory, and this news made her so upset, it was transparent 100%, the look on her face for the next two days. It was inevitable - a couple of co-workers I hadn't personally gotten around to coming out to yet had asked her if she was okay. She works in the shipping department, and the guys there are a bit gruff, so they think they did something to upset her, but she set them straight: she told them I came out to her as a transgender.
I know it should be a non-issue because the moment has already come and gone, the news is out there for them, and I already have a pretty bad rapport with the shipping crew (inconsequential reasons, and not relevant to the story), so this was something I wasn't necessarily ready to let them know anytime soon. BUT... how could I have responded to this? Because what I did was not respond at all, I ignored the situation completely and stewed in my own rigid grumblyness.
Should I have been silently angry at her for doing what was essentially none of her business to do? She couldn't have just said, "no, it's family problems, don't worry about it"? Should I be grateful that she took the gruntwork into her own hands by telling the two or three guys who have no respect for me, so I didn't have to? I understand both that coming out on Facebook was going to start a tidal wave of whispers and the news would have cleared the factory - every shift - by the end of the week anyway, and that by her having knowledge of my TGism, it's a lot to deal with on her shoulders, but still nowhere near as much as it deals on mine, as the person in question.
I dunno, in the end, I feel like coming out is entirely my own responsibility, no one elses', and I do feel a bit violated that someone - my own cousin - outed me to people I was not ready to come out to yet. Is this fair?
It makes sense to me that you'd feel both - yes, it wasn't her news to break (though I think it's worth letting people you tell know that you'd rather it was you that told others) - and now you don't have to tell the shipping crew, so that's a relief. We don't always feel just one thing :).
I hope you and she can sail through this one.
If that is the worst that has happened, then compared to some people on here, it isn't too bad. Bit rude of her though.
Its regrettable in the fact that you thought that your cousin was going to be supportive of you and your decision to transition and she off-handedly revealed probably your most intimate secret in a pique of frustration to a bunch of people you weren't ready to tell.
If you want to take it further, I would take her aside and tell her what she did was a bit insensitive and that however hard disclosing your ->-bleeped-<- is, its still your choice, your decision and something you feel you should do.
However as Padma said, its a relief and means theres a few less people you have to tell!
Hope everything gets better with your cousin!
x
If this had happened to me I would have been much more upset. But then ive made it very clear to the people ive told that i will be quite pissed if they tell anyone. I would at least tell your cousin (and anyone else youve told) that its not their business to tell. Its your decision of course. Either way, -hug- youre very brave for telling them in thr first place. And putting the news on facebook! Wow, i wish i had your guts!!
Coming out that we're TG is the most liberating feeling in the world, but it does lead to some people not understanding or getting upset about it. Your cousin had no right to blurt out your private news and even though it saves you the energy it was still your news to share. However since we are the one's doing something a lot of people don't understand, it falls on us to be more accommodating of their fears. So as much as it is frustrating, I think we need to expect that when we start to come out, the whole world will soon find out, even if we've told them not to share with others.
In your cousin's case I think private conversation where you tell her you love her, that you're not angry, just a little disappointed that she did what she did, and ask her not to do it again. Explain that this is not a decision on your part, none of us choose to be TG, we're born like this, and sooner or later we all need to be true to ourselves, and the reason you've come out now is that you feel it is safer to do so, but ask her to be aware that there are people who definitely take our news the wrong way, and might even attack us, and ask if she could please be discreet about your transition with people you don't know well.