I've noticed a number of posts recently where guys are having trouble passing, even after being on T for x-amount of time. I just wanted to talk more about that and share some of what I've learned over the years in a single post.
We're at a point in time where "instant gratification" is available on many things. We need an answer to a question, we go to the internet and find the answer almost immediately. We want something to eat, we pop it in a microwave and in no time at all the food is done. With so many aspects of our lives tied into this "instant society" we're living in, it's very easy to see why frustrations can be heightened for things that actually still do take time – things like losing weight/getting in shape, and yes, things like taking hormones to change the physical appearance of your body.
Another factor is that all the people in society have grown up with (usually) clear-cut examples of gender. From the time of birth, humans learn to identify mom vs dad, brother vs sister, girl vs boy. Whether it's "right" or "wrong" even trans* people have these identifiers built into them and many of us are striving to fit one gender or the other (note that "many" is not "all" – there's a wide variety of gender, but with people who are actually in the process of transition they're most likely going for being seen ONLY as their chosen gender). So if you have characteristics of the opposite gender you're moving towards, it's very likely that others in society are going to identify you by things they associate with a particular gender.
Still one more factor is people who knew you before you started to transition. Humans are creatures of habit and it's easier to fall out of habit than to incorporate a new habit and stick with it. Even after people might have been addressing you with male pronouns, for instance, they may slip up. They might not even mean to, it just happens. Especially with people who have known you all your life or people who have worked with or hung out with you for extended periods of time. And the person transitioning is not immune either as they're forming new habits during the transition process. For instance, if you were socialized as female from birth, then you will have certain "habits" associated with that gender. Maybe it's the way you walk or carry yourself, the way you talk, mannerisms or gestures, etc. You are in the process of learning how males act and interact within this very binary society. Refer back to the paragraph above. Anything that might set you apart of the "average male" in society's eyes could become a contributing factor in either an inability to pass or a perpetuation of those close to you slipping up and referring to you as female.
So you feel as though you've taking a lot of steps. You've gone to therapy, you've gotten the go-ahead for HRT and to start your transition, you might have even already gotten some surgeries such as top surgery or a hysto. You feel like you were on the correct path finally and moving towards your goal and then the misgendering happens and it feels like a giant leap backwards. It isn't. It's all part of the process.
Life itself has many hurdles you have to jump and transition comes with its own set of additional hurdles. Just because you can't clear one right now, doesn't mean you never will. Transition is by no means an easy road. Sure it seems like some guys might have it easy, but everyone has their own personal struggles they go through. What matters is that you're still moving in a forward direction. Just because someone misgenders you, it doesn't mean that all you've done up to this point has been for nothing. Even if, because of things like finances or health conditions, you feel like your progress has stopped, focus on other aspects that can still help you to keep moving in the right direction for you (for instance, exercise or experimenting with different styles of clothing or different ways to wear your hair).
I think it would be interesting to hear from more guys who have successfully transitioned. But it seems like once someone gets to a certain point, they disappear from a message board like this. The reality is that the perspective of someone who is 5, 10, or more years past where most people here are could be invaluable. I know there's a couple out there but it would be nice for more to weigh in. I may be older than a lot of guys on here, but I also chose not to transition. I can only offer observations from my own experiences but they're not the same as what everyone else is going through. I hope what I say can help in some way but I'm also aware that some might think my perspective doesn't matter because I haven't followed the same path.
I just wanted to say thanks. I appreciate this. I would give a more detailed response, but I haven't had coffee yet. I'll come back when my brain goes online.