[I'm cheating here, I just posted this on a bigender forum, but wanted to put it here too...]
I don't want to say "I'm confused", because I'd don't feel confused so much as fascinated by what's going on at the moment.
Which is: I feel as though I'm transitioning in two directions at once. In one way, I'm going through an MTF gender transition which involves HRT, living full-time as a woman, and eventual GCS. But the woman I'm living full-time as is somehow transitioning towards being more "male", or androgyne anyway. It's as though in some way, the woman I am was suppressed to protect her from the abuse I experienced as a child, but which still left her feeling used and vulnerable - and now she's coming into her own, I'm experiencing a "masculinity" that I never experienced as a "man", since it didn't belong there. I don't know whether masculinity is in any way the right word, even. It's a kind of strength that flows out of androgyny, but definitely has its seat in my being female, and presents itself in a fairly classic mannish way, in my wanting to call myself a tomboy.
I've just started watching Wandering Son - and I'm identifying with both characters at once. I guess this is just a manifestation of my desire to be my true self, and of the hidden girl I was never wanting to be girlish.
To be honest, I'm finding this in equal parts bizarre, disconcerting, delightful, hilarious, moving... it's like meeting a long-lost sister who's a wild heroine, and I'm still adjusting to the fact that she's just a mirror, and it's me I'm seeing for the first time.
Words are so inadequate (but don't hold your breaths for any interpretive dance... :) )
Envoi: I'd just like to add that I find these shenanigans quite comforting - because let's face it, "linear" would be totally out of character...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.static.flickr.com%2F3115%2F2758514473_3c98570ea7.jpg&hash=f1e99ec91ee171b7d2a6334d2e57762915a0fcc6)
Padma, none of what you said would have made any sense at all if I weren't feeling nearly all of it (though perhaps in a more compressed way, since I'm only thinking of transitioning, haven't actually made any moves yet.)
The most wonderful thing about accepting yourself as non-binary is that you don't have to achieve a pre-conceived notion of what some gender ought to be.
You can just be you!
Yup - and I'm finding myself, in the process of transitioning, because I was careful never to find out what kind of woman I am until it was safe to emerge. It's really like getting to know someone new, and in some weird way like my true self is slowly approaching from a distance... I'm loving the suspense :).