* Can we stop with the real Vs fake pussy, pretty please with a cherry on top? We do what we can with what life has given us.
* Let's stick to the original question, and keep away the "woman with a penis is a condemned monster", please. Remember Rules 9 and 10.
Just wondering.
- Did you know before starting transition that this was your ultimate goal? Or...
- At first you though that keeping your original tool and orchy/hysto was more than enough, but changed your mind over time and it turned to be a necessary for having a normal life?
My doubt is that at this moment, I don't think I need it, but who knows in a future if my mind can evolve? It's going to be a lot of money that could be used on better things for improving my "public" part of my body, but what if I were to desperately need it and couldn't afford it?. My plan was to get an orchy just to be on the safe zone, and leave it for later in life (even if I means having less skin to work with) when the economic situation improves.
Quote from: Bella on August 20, 2012, 03:34:12 PM
I don't understand how anyone wants to be a woman with a penis,
I absolutely agree, when I started my transition many years ago, with FFS, then a BA twice, I didn't set srs as my goal, but having gone thru all the stages of transition, finally getting srs completed my transition, when I kept putting it off for fear of surgery, it was my Mother that encouraged and advised me to get srs so that I could live a normal life as a woman.
Quote from: Bella on August 20, 2012, 03:34:12 PM
Was SRS necessary for a normal life? Yes.
Yes! Definitely, Im now a complete woman, just ask my husband, I live a normal life just like any other married woman, full time housewife, I couldnd have that life if I didn't have my surgery, my life now is a normal woman's life.
Pauline
When I realized I can't attract almost any and majority of straight men without a vagina.
Seems like forever. Every time I go to the bathroom, it just looks normal.
For me, transitioning has always been about the surgery - everything else is secondary, though I am enjoying physically feminising. The sense of self I am transitioning to meet has a vagina, it's that simple.
I don't feel the need to understand other people's gender dysphoria to accept it even if it's way different from mine - people are so diverse, I'd be very surprised if we were all alike in our experiences.
Quote from: Apples on August 20, 2012, 02:00:38 PM
Just wondering.
- Did you know before starting transition that this was your ultimate goal?
No way, I did not WANT to know. The last I had visited this notion was at ~ 8 years when I wanted to cut my 'extra' simply off and be done with it. After that... all other stuff (survival) kept me busy - for years and years.
Quote
Or...
- At first you though that keeping your original tool and orchy/hysto was more than enough, but changed your mind over time and it turned to be a necessary for having a normal life?
Orchie? NO WAY!...
I just had no idea really until all this came out of some murky place in my mind. Once in the open... it was SRS, or pretty much a 'check out' for me.
Really very clear - and as bad GD as it seems to get. GD and how strong, is the motivator for all of this in my experience.
I'm also limited to thinking that women do not have a penis... I think it's called... binary?
Quote
My doubt is that at this moment, I don't think I need it, but who knows in a future if my mind can evolve? It's going to be a lot of money that could be used on better things for improving my "public" part of my body, but what if I were to desperately need it and couldn't afford it?. My plan was to get an orchy just to be on the safe zone, and leave it for later in life (even if I means having less skin to work with) when the economic situation improves.
Well... and in the end... we ARE simply all different and evolve all differently.
I was asked at the beginning of transition if I "was going to have my penis cut off" the usual sort of question, mostly from a guy.
My honest answer then was: "I cannot say right now how far this will take me..." and did I get looks!
In the beginning everyone thought I'm going through some late mid-life-crisis and all will go away. Later on they found other creative ways to explain things...
I did know quite soon there was more to it... and vaguely even knew... this was going to take me 'all the way'. And so it did, never mind my age. Never mind. What is, is, once it happens.
Axélle
I guess it is just another sign that I really am a woman, because I keep changing my mind. ::)
Karen.
Um. I think it was decided for me like six months ago?
Hi Apples,
Quote from: Apples on August 20, 2012, 02:00:38 PM
Just wondering.
- Did you know before starting transition that this was your ultimate goal? ...
Well, to be completely honest. No. SRS is by no means my ultimate goal, yet it forms part of it. My ultimate goal, before starting my transition, was and has always been to become a complete and authentic woman, by whatever means possible.
Absolutely no doubt about it at all.
To me, it was and still is, getting the outer to match the inner. Once the inner is satisfied, that inner woman just starts to radiate outwardly.
Once I know my gender is congruent, sex then takes on a new dimension. It then forms part of being a total and complete woman.
I think Pauline nailed it on the head.
Quotejust ask my husband, I live a normal life just like any other married woman, full time housewife, I couldn't have that life if I didn't have my surgery, my life now is a normal woman's life
Basically, I don't care what I look like on the outside. It's all those components on the inside that count. By that I mean, my temperament, emotions, feelings, compassion, empathy, how I feel as a complete woman, is THE most important thing to me.
No amount of non geneital external body modifications could ever make me feel like a complete woman. For myself, if I'm not complete, I'm not authentic. But that's just me.
I see men who look like women, yet are men by virtue of how they think and act inside. I see women who look like men, yet are women by virtue of how they think and act inside.
You, Apples, are doing a fantastic job of working through your journey. I commend you for that. You are constantly moving forward, questioning every possible outcome. That is excellent.
As I'm considerably further down my track than you. By virtue of the time I've been working on it. My only advice would be to keep all your options open until you finalise each one. If HRT is part of your journey, be aware of the psychological changes that will take you, in an all new direction.
This journey will open up vistas of understanding and opportunity you never thought existed or possible. Prepare to enjoy it.
Huggs
Catherine
Great, yesterday I had a freak out and killed the account.
Quote from: Bella on August 20, 2012, 03:34:12 PM
But when you just don't want to.. I don't know. I don't understand how anyone wants to be a woman with a penis, and I don't understand how they expect the average person to not be freaked out by it. I know some people on here don't like it when other members speak freely about stuff like this, but so be it.
You mention "public" body parts. When talking about people who want/need both SRS and FFS, but don't know if they can afford both.. wow that's a tough one. I would probably have chosen SRS, but I never had any issues before facial surgery. I got some facial surgery done simply because I am deeply self loathing and I wanted to ease the process of looking at myself. I've never been "clocked" or what you call it before facial surgery. It was a matter of vanity and beauty obsession (hey, at least I admit it). If I'd boy face, I'd probably have done FFS first. Keep in mind that I'm in my early 20's. If you're in your 60's you might have different priorities.
- Yes, those are my problems. I will be 30 when I start and the few possible changes will be slow, but my face has never been androgynous or effeminated, only the opposite. FFS is mandatory for me, and expensive.
- I am not sure I can have enough budget for everything. At this moment I don't need it because I am not in any mood for sex or relationships, but my big worry is not being accepted or if it becomes impossible to have a "normal" life being stuck in the middle. I could understand not doing everything for people that already have a life and family, but for me I still have a few years of "youth" that I want to live. I've wasted most of my life and I want to enjoy what I have left before getting old.
In the end, that's the problem: Money. Sure, If I wait I can get the free SRS, but I am afraid about how good it will be. I don't want another freak between the legs. I can choose between trying to save everything cent I can (and it wouldn't be enough), or use that money to keep improving my body and stay forever in the middle, or getting the social security SRS.
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on August 21, 2012, 10:04:59 AM
As I'm considerably further down my track than you. By virtue of the time I've been working on it. My only advice would be to keep all your options open until you finalise each one. If HRT is part of your journey, be aware of the psychological changes that will take you, in an all new direction.
The problem is not keeping the options, but enabling them. Money is the biggest issue, being in a low income only makes it more difficult, and I risk being stuck in the middle of nowhere. Who I'd relation with then? Other PRe-ops? ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s? An FTM that does not dislike cocks? Not being able to cover everything may leave me stuck in another dangerous social situation, and I don't know if I will be able to live with it. "Oh, surprise, I have a dick, I forgot to mention it. But it does not matter to you, doesn't it?"
This is hard, and I haven't even started....
Not sure if it helps at all Apples - BUT... practically everything you mention/pointed out was on my mind when I started. And hey, I'm one old dame compared to you.
So,... you are BY NO MEANS in this single situation. It may just help to let THAT sink in.
Also, as far as ops go... you seem to have the idea to go under the knife (so long you got the $$$) and that be it then. Hey, like it's only the MONEY, right? WRONG!
Those ops are SERIOUS stuff, there's no real guaranty it turns out all to your liking --- and THAN what? More $$$ and more ops?
Ops HURT, they make you SICK, and can make you wonder if it was with the right surgeon, and the right thing to do in the first place. Etc. etc.
Why do I say all this? Because even with ALL the money in the bank YOU WILL NEED TIME - PATIENCE!!! to go through it all. IT CAN NOT BE RUSHED!
No way to do this all in jiffy, and then enjoy the rest of your youth after you "all done" ... IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR YOUTH, get used to the idea. Now.
Perfectionism - and SPEED are just not what is called for. Let that sink in and you may find... you may get what you NEED... if not getting what you WANT, and right now please.
Attitude... it can help you along... or it can mess you over, BIG TIME.
Food for thought?
Axélle
At this moment I don't want that. Not because of people that will say "how can you live with that, you will be a monster, who wants a woman with a penis, etc", but because I feel it as unnecesary at this moment, risky and involving a severe grade of dysphoria I currently don't posses. But the problem is that what would happen if my mind evolved? I said years ago that I would never have a PS3 and there it is. That one pony was more than enough... There, full collection. Yes, these are trivial things, but... I also said I would never go to the gym or enter a sauna, or that I would never wear shorts. I know that my mind is incredibly prone to evolve with time and jump fences.
Right now I identify SRS as something oriented towards social functioning more than personal satisfaction, but I can't risk not having the option in the future if I enter another grade of dysphoria, or my mind fully switches to female (still not accepting that). Sooner or later I would need to remove the factories for health reasons, and it is a 50/50 choice.
It's all about planning for the worst. I need to rack money, just in case. And if I am going to do that, I'd better be a quality job. Although that money can improve overall quality life in a lot of other aspects...
PS: The social security option includes BA as part of the free bundle. Not so sure about somebody putting an alien object under my skin, unless they look really ugly.
I tottally agree with you sister Bella
Quote from: Bella on August 20, 2012, 03:34:12 PM
I've always known. When I was 6 years old I told everbody at school that when I grew up I would "make myself into a 'real' girl". I've never understood the part where people keep their penis. It doesn't make sense in my head and therefore I really don't bother with it, nor do I see myself as belonging to the same "group" as people who have no desire to change that part of their body (not that I typically bother with grouping myself or others at all lol). The ones who for some reason or another can't, but want to, I feel so bad for. That's horrible! But when you just don't want to.. I don't know. I don't understand how anyone wants to be a woman with a penis, and I don't understand how they expect the average person to not be freaked out by it. I know some people on here don't like it when other members speak freely about stuff like this, but so be it.
You mention "public" body parts. When talking about people who want/need both SRS and FFS, but don't know if they can afford both.. wow that's a tough one. I would probably have chosen SRS, but I never had any issues before facial surgery. I got some facial surgery done simply because I am deeply self loathing and I wanted to ease the process of looking at myself. I've never been "clocked" or what you call it before facial surgery. It was a matter of vanity and beauty obsession (hey, at least I admit it). If I'd boy face, I'd probably have done FFS first. Keep in mind that I'm in my early 20's. If you're in your 60's you might have different priorities.
Was SRS necessary for a normal life? Yes.
Mmmfff. I was looking for final results from different surgeons and... It makes me lose any interest on it. Even that Kunaporn photos I could see (old photos from surgeries made in 2000), not sure about current technique) look quite crappy. I don't know, but SRS could even increase my dysphoria. Yeah, I'd be a penis-woman, but... A good looking penis or a hideous faux hole? Dunno, unless I can see a recent photo that looks convincing enough, I don't think I want a full body modification.
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 23, 2012, 02:46:04 AM
Mmmfff. I was looking for final results from different surgeons and... It makes me lose any interest on it. Even that Kunaporn photos I could see (old photos from surgeries made in 2000), not sure about current technique) look quite crappy. I don't know, but SRS could even increase my dysphoria. Yeah, I'd be a penis-woman, but... A good looking penis or a hideous faux hole? Dunno, unless I can see a recent photo that looks convincing enough, I don't think I want a full body modification.
Maybe porn can give one a somewhat selective vision on the 'ideal vj' ?
There is a post some month old that linked to a site showing lots of vjs (FAAB) and their variations --- the way it sounds, you'd also likely be turning away with disapproval. Most looked far less aesthetic than pics of post-ops..
Just a thought, and surely NOT too far fetched,
Axélle
Sorry, lots of auto-image problems still. And the fact that I may have a wrong idea about what do I want to get with this. At first it was more like "just change and be happy, let it flow", and now is more like trying to fit into some sort of mold I'm carving myself.
I have found more up to date photos from 2011 and the results have improved A LOT compared to what I saw at first.
QuoteMaybe porn can give one a somewhat selective vision on the 'ideal vj' ?
And axélle, you totally nailed it this time. You are right, too much porn has forced myself into delusions of one perfect body, completely away from reality. Porn, sports, male and female models... With time I've become more obsessive trying to chase an image created by the industry to rack up cash and straying from reality.
Thanks, you have reopened my eyes again!
There isn't anything wrong with keeping what you've got. This is Annika: http://www.autostraddle.com/just-your-typical-urban-hipster-femme-twentysomething-transgender-lesbian-84827/ (http://www.autostraddle.com/just-your-typical-urban-hipster-femme-twentysomething-transgender-lesbian-84827/) . Annika is non-op. She's also clever, articulate, attractive, has a girlfriend, and writes for my favourite website.
No, it isn't super wildly easy to be non-op in this world, because, well, people are jerks. But it's not impossible to have a life that way. And I'd think it would be better than risking creating the kind of dysphoria that drives people to have that surgery in the first place. I.e. if you aren't uncomfortable with what you've got... you may not be comfortable with what you end up with post-surgery.
Personally, SRS was always part of transition for me. I found my previous physical design... rather alarming. And I'm a lot happier with what I've got now. But I don't understand the people who think that getting a vag built somehow turns you into a woman. I was female before I even walked down the path to transition. I was female when I was born, regardless of medical errors. My brain is female, I am female, the end.
To me, Annika is unquestionably female. What she does or does not do to her body is irrelevant. I guess I'm just not an "average person." Thank goodness. That sounds like it would be terribly dull. ;)
Quote from: Bella on August 23, 2012, 11:21:22 AM
No, I guess there's nothing wrong with it, but calling people jerks simply because they're unnerved by the idea of someone who presents as female having a penis and wants to keep it is uncalled for. Most people can't get that to click in their minds, and why should they? It's not their responsibility.
Maybe I'm just an "average person", but in my mind women have vaginas, and that's just how it is. You're entitled to feel the way you do, and I'm entitled to feel the way I do.
Well, here we go again :D Women do have a vj and men the other item - its called being "BINARY" of mind-set.
99.99% of folks happen to be just that. Or at least start out that way. Does it make 99.99% of folks jerks... nah... I don't think so either.
But then, that is just MY opinion :D
Axélle
Quote from: dumb bunny on August 23, 2012, 11:36:26 AM
It was always part of what I considered transition would be for me. If I didn't want srs, I wouldn't have bothered with the rest of it as it would take away the whole point of it for me.
This...
Axélle
Quote from: Bella on August 23, 2012, 11:43:48 AM
And why wouldn't we be? It's instinctual. Even small children distiguish between male and female, and even small children are aware that males and females are "different" between the legs. Sure, you can choose to not let your sex dictate who you are on the inside, but you can't dictate how others should react to it. "Woman who wants to keep penis" is just weird to most people. It's weird to many transsexual women; imagine how people not facing any of this feel.
Point now been well made in deed... let's not call the Mods out on telling us to be nice to each other ;)
Just saying, eh
Axelle
Quote from: Axélle on August 23, 2012, 11:27:00 AM
Well, here we go again :D Women do have a vj and men the other item - its called being "BINARY" of mind-set.
99.99% of folks happen to be just that. Or at least start out that way. Does it make 99.99% of folks jerks... nah... I don't think so either.
And that's what I was completely forgetting: I am non-binary. If with time I switched to true binary that is when I would consider SRS. Before that, it may be a complete disaster. I'll need to keep the door open just in case (never know what will happen after HRT and therapy).
Well, looks like I already have my own answer.
Lucky for you. There is nothing worse than being in the middle and constantly switching. Maybe when I can see myself without the masculinity on top of everything things will change. For the moment I thing that I could leave with it, but I would not be depressed without it. My body takes priority for now, and I could put it at the last part of a transition list.
Quote from: Bella on August 23, 2012, 11:21:22 AM
No, I guess there's nothing wrong with it, but calling people jerks simply because they're unnerved by the idea of someone who presents as female having a penis and wants to keep it is uncalled for. Most people can't get that to click in their minds, and why should they? It's not their responsibility.
I'm fairly sure I didn't call people jerks for being "unnerved by the idea of someone who presents as female having a penis and wants to keep it." I said "it isn't super wildly easy to be non-op in this world because people are jerks." I.e. people treat non-op transsexual females badly sometimes. I don't really care what you or anyone else thinks as long as that doesn't translate into behaviour.
Usually I'm cool with multiple interpretations of a text, but in this case, nope, that was just wrong. I didn't say that.
So then, am I in a bigger problem and am I even more of an aberration? Not feeling like a complete woman yet wanting a female body, feeling partly like a woman but not fully despising everything in me, Seeing SRS as atractive but being able to live without it...
The first time I realized my trans status, I got in a panic state at the idea of losing my genitalia. When I thought about transgender instead of transexual and that I could keep my original organs, that's when I embraced the idea and started to accept myself, but now...
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 23, 2012, 02:07:20 PM
So then, am I in a bigger problem and am I even more of an aberration? Not feeling like a complete woman yet wanting a female body, feeling partly like a woman but not fully despising everything in me, Seeing SRS as atractive but being able to live without it...
The first time I realized my trans status, I got in a panic state at the idea of losing my genitalia. When I thought about transgender instead of transexual and that I could keep my original organs, that's when I embraced the idea and started to accept myself, but now...
Hon, don't let other people tell you who you are. You've spent your whole life being subject to that. People can tell you who
they are, and how they see you based on how they see themselves. But ultimately the final say is yours, since you are the one who has to live your life.
You are who you are. Be proud of that. You don't have to be the same as someone else, think the same as they do, feel the same as they do. Just be you. That's all you can be, and all you need to be. When you start trying to fit what you think others think you should be... you stop being yourself and you try to become them instead. Embrace your individuality, it's what makes you human. And valuable.
"who wants a woman with a penis, etc",: heaaaaps of men
only natal female and becomes FTM...hihi
normal woman is certainly won't has penis, is painful you know....
even new vagina with bad looking is still better than has penis, that's for me....hihi
Quote from: mementomori on August 26, 2012, 08:52:05 AM
"who wants a woman with a penis, etc",: heaaaaps of men
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 20, 2012, 02:00:38 PM
- Did you know before starting transition that this was your ultimate goal? Or...
When I first started transition, my goal was SRS at like a year and a half after being full time. It was important to me then. When I transitioned and society and everyone I knew was seeing me as the women I always saw myself as, it became a lot less important. I just dealt with it. I was more concerned about how I miss two months of work post-op. Then last summer I went on a few dates and it REALLY bugged me. I realized I couldn't be in a relationship with this thing attached to my body. I had the money for SRS all along, I just didn't feel like the hassle of missing work. So I scheduled in in December of last year for this July and now I'm 7 weeks post :)
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 20, 2012, 02:00:38 PM
- At first you though that keeping your original tool and orchy/hysto was more than enough, but changed your mind over time and it turned to be a necessary for having a normal life?
No,, I knew I'd get SRS the whole time, the money was there, I just needed the right opportunity for it to be done. It was never like "OMG I MUST HAVE SRS IMMEDIATELY!!!" How society saw me was much, much more important than what was in my pants :)
Quote from: Jaime on August 26, 2012, 09:36:25 AM
But how many of them would be open about it? And how many of them really think of that woman as a woman and not an altered man that they can have sex with on the sly.
they could also think the same of a woman who is post op , and i guess they don't actually have to be open about it if she passes
Quote from: MeghanAndrews on August 26, 2012, 09:24:11 AM
No,, I knew I'd get SRS the whole time, the money was there, I just needed the right opportunity for it to be done. It was never like "OMG I MUST HAVE SRS IMMEDIATELY!!!" How society saw me was much, much more important than what was in my pants :)
Thanks. The first time I realised the dysphoria I was in a state of panic going thorugh SRS, but with time... Now I believe that one day I will do it, but I feel like I don't want to hurry with it, and leave it for the last. When I feel I am fully ready and with no regrets...
Argh. At this moment my biggest issue is not being to raise the voice pitch (need to have my throat checked). Not knowing if someday something as basic as my voice will work properly is one of the biggest factors in questioning if I can go full time or reach the end of the journey.
Some say that men interested in a "woman with a penis" are just homosexuals in denial... I'm bi, so it could work... for a time, until my mind and orientation stabilises.
For me SRS was always the symbol of the transition and when I decided it was time to go I knew I would do it, however, it wasn't the most important aspect of my transition. It was not my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal was to get to have be and be seen as female in my day to day life. Having a penis or vagina would make little difference in that department. Sure the penis was an inconvenience, but to me that inconvenience paled in comparison to not being seen as female.
HRT, and later FFS, was what got me really excited. When it came time to have SRS I gave it little though. It was just something that needed to be done. Sure it is great to have a vagina, but nowhere near as great as a female face.
As for thinking that not having SRS is weird, I just don't get that kind of thinking. Frankly I find it to be weird. I once had a friend that thought it was totally weird that some people would put on their socks before the pants. It was like a totally strange concept to him. I could not wrap my head around why he would think that was weird and unnatural. People are different and to most we are all weird. What difference does it make and why care as long as people are happy the way they are? I see no reason to make a big fuzz about it.
Quote from: Bella on August 26, 2012, 10:25:56 AM
I find it weird for this reason: Women have vaginas. I don't understand how people can be OK with having a penis and say they feel like women. To me that doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't need anyone to try to explain it to me. I've read so many posts about it, and none of them have made any difference, but I respect your decision; it's got nothing to with me, and as such is none of my business.
"Yeah, she's got a penis. No, she wants to keep it. So? She's still a woman!" That just doesn't go down well with most people, and if you can't see why then you need to get your head out of the transbucket, and into the "regular" world, where men have penises and women have vaginas, which is the place where most people live.
Just being realistic.
It is called "BINARY" in the 'trans-bucket' and of course also... "We are what we think" :)
About 99.99% of folks would think like they being just normal or realistic, not... 'BINARY', hum.
So, ... "Jedem Tierchen sein Pläsierchen..." a German saying.
Axélle
Quote from: Bella on August 26, 2012, 10:25:56 AM
I find it weird for this reason: Women have vaginas. I don't understand how people can be OK with having a penis and say they feel like women. To me that doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't need anyone to try to explain it to me. I've read so many posts about it, and none of them have made any difference, but I respect your decision; it's got nothing to with me, and as such is none of my business.
I keep wondering about it, but I think is easy: mine is a zombie part of my anatomy: I only use it for releasing urine. It is not needed for my daily interactions with people and colleagues, and I don't have a sex life or I am in a relationship. For now I am like an eunuch, but If my other mind problems are fixed in a future and start getting into relationships again, I will take that final decision. Until then, it can rest in its current place.
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 26, 2012, 10:49:41 AM
I keep wondering about it, but I think is easy: mine is a zombie part of my anatomy: I only use it for releasing urine. It is not needed for my daily interactions with people and colleagues, and I don't have a sex life or I am in a relationship. For now I am like an eunuch, but If my other mind problems are fixed in a future and start getting into relationships again, I will take that final decision. Until then, it can rest in its current place.
Hum, zombie part will come awake real fast when not tucked away. So why bother to tuck? At all? Just ... zombie stuff... or?
You see these are all half-backed notions that bring loads of ifs and buts along with them... go to a swimming pool, go sun bath, etc. etc. etc.
You either have female anatomy - or you don't.
Just saying...
Axélle
I don't mean "zombie" as it in "it won't work or raise".
I mean that I don't have a "sexual relationships" part in my life. At this moment I'm quite broken mentally. I have it quite difficult interacting with friends and having a normal social life, but when it comes to "love, a relationship, sex, etc" it's mythology and legends for me. I am too afraid to try. For the moment my first step into repairing myself is the "friends" part, and after that the "relationships, love, affect, sex" part would take place. Since this one is something that is is not part of my life at this moment, it does not matter to me having a set of genitalia or the other, since the only thing I could use them for would be masturbation.
Let's say that I progress though the second issue and my genitalia is important in my life again. Then I would have to choose between taking the final step or not. But until then, I think it can wait.
PS: I can't even swim and haven't been to the beach for more than 15 years. I don't like people seeing my body, and... I don't like going alone.
Maintaining stealth and keeping the apendage for so long is finally crippling me mentally. So many simple things I can't do for paranoia. What if something happens to me that requires any medical attention in my office? Swimming is out and the gym is very difficult. Tucking all day is seriously painful. And I mean good tucking where there is litte bulge. Tucking makes my torso look longer than it is and it never looks natural. Every day before I walk out of my door I have to examine meticulously how good the tucking is and rearrange. It's on my mind every moment because of the uncomfortable pressure down below and because of the paranoia of accidentally untucking. I need SRS soon otherwise my mental health will be at risk.
Quote from: Bella on August 26, 2012, 10:25:56 AM
"Yeah, she's got a penis. No, she wants to keep it. So? She's still a woman!" That just doesn't go down well with most people, and if you can't see why then you need to get your head out of the transbucket, and into the "regular" world, where men have penises and women have vaginas, which is the place where most people live.
Just being realistic.
It is being realistic and it is the real world, its also always been my experience, men will never never except a woman with a penis, my Fiancé who is now my husband I don't believe would have excepted me as a woman if I still had a penis, I now have a vagina, he now excepts me as a complete woman, no man wants a woman with a penis, they want a woman with a pussy, thats the way it is and thats life, its not an opinion, its a fact.
Final surgery srs was painful, but was necessary to feel being complete as a woman, Im now all woman to my husband, women don't have a penis, we leave that to the guys.
Pauline
BTW, the waiting line with social security here is of two years since you are approved for SRS until you get it done (one surgery every 90 days, more or less). The requisite for approval is one year on HRT and psychiatric supervision, although no mention is made to being in Full time mode.
Well, If I decide to do it in the end, I will have plenty of time for saying goodbye to the monster.
I was about eleven I guess, when i told my brother I wanted to chop my penis off. I can;t remember that but my elder brother does. I also told my mother I wanted to cut it off when i was twelve. That i can remember because that was when i first heard the word "mutilate". In the first six months of crossdressing it didn't occur to me that i would actually go the whole way. Then when all of these things in my childhood occurred to me again, it became clear that it was going to happen sooner or later, even though i thought I would never be able to afford it at the time.
I have a date in December, and I got my letter last week... but a recent bout of depression stopped me from being as euphoric as I might have been. i'll probably feel great about it in a few more weeks' time!
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 26, 2012, 11:37:17 AM
I don't mean "zombie" as it in "it won't work or raise".
I mean that I don't have a "sexual relationships" part in my life. At this moment I'm quite broken mentally. I have it quite difficult interacting with friends and having a normal social life, but when it comes to "love, a relationship, sex, etc" it's mythology and legends for me. I am too afraid to try. For the moment my first step into repairing myself is the "friends" part, and after that the "relationships, love, affect, sex" part would take place. Since this one is something that is is not part of my life at this moment, it does not matter to me having a set of genitalia or the other, since the only thing I could use them for would be masturbation.
Whenever I think of zombie I think of something that wants to bit into my skull and eat my braaaaaiinnnsss, but that's just me. :)
Seriously, though. I think you have a good set of priorities there as far as friends, relationships, and sex goes. I felt broken for years and tried my best to just shut things out and not think about them. Even now the course of hormones I am on sometimes kills off any desire for sexual relationships. Not only that, it makes it almost impossible to feel attraction to people, or remember what it is like to feel attracted to anyone. I get despondent about the future at these times, with the same haunting worry as you...and I am even in a relationship at the moment. So even though i have my permission to go ahead with SRS, at the moment I still have the same thoughts as you do "what's the point in paying all that money and having all that pain if I still won't be able to enjoy sexual pleasure in my life?"
But things never do stay the same. Three months ago I believed it would be impossible for me to be in any kind of relationship, but here I am in one. If I try to remind myself of what i thought was impossible three years ago and what has happened to me now, then i see that all sorts of things are possible in time. Doesn't always work when i'm feeling like crap, though.
Quote from: Bella on August 26, 2012, 08:12:44 PM
Haha! Well put!
if you want to get technical women also have ovaries a cervix and a womb and a lot of ignorant people would argue that you're not a woman unless you have those things , so we should let people define themselves as how they feel and live their lives as they want despite what operation they do, or do not have between their legs
Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 06:45:49 PM
I have a date in December, and I got my letter last week... but a recent bout of depression stopped me from being as euphoric as I might have been. i'll probably feel great about it in a few more weeks' time!
Congratulations Kadri! That is exciting and wonderful news. I hope you feel the euphoria soon. :) :) :)
Quote from: mementomori on August 26, 2012, 09:28:03 PM
if you want to get technical women also have ovaries a cervix and a womb and a lot of ignorant people would argue that you're not a woman unless you have those things , so we should let people define themselves as how they feel and live their lives as they want despite what operation they do, or do not have between their legs
Oh, so now women that had a hysterectomy are than no more female?
Are you QUITE sure WHAT you are saying there?
Sounds way off the wall to me, and actually way out off line.
Axélle
Quote from: Axélle on August 27, 2012, 12:18:52 AM
Oh, so now women that had a hysterectomy are than no more female?
Are you QUITE sure WHAT you are saying there?
Sounds way off the wall to me, and actually way out off line.
Axélle
they still originally had the inner workings before they were removed right? and they dont have a prostate , im speaking objectively though this is how some people think , not what i think
i think a woman is someone who lives as a " woman" and is perceived by society as such no matter what her insides are or what is between her legs
Can we stop with the real Vs fake pussy, pretty please with a cherry on top? We do what we can with what life has given us.
Let's stick to the original question, and keep away the "woman with a penis is a condemned monster", please.
I have slept less than two hours worrying about the SRS thing again. Being honest, it scares me to death. The first time I was completely aware of the Dysphoria, I entered a state of panic and anxiety about having to chop it down that reduced me to shambles, until I read about the difference between transexual and transgender and was relieved that it was not necessary to walk until the end of the road, just find the kilometer that satisfies me.
The real issue is that if didn't want SRS, I'd say "->-bleeped-<- it" and would not worry about it. If I am scared is because deep inside I consider it a real option and the way to go in a future. The problem is that it means accepting a lot of other things I am denying and scare me even more. I am obviously not ready for that, but I can't discard it and I am even looking forward to it after mind and body are completely sure.
My hope is that if I choose the final surgery in the following years, it will be because I desire it for myself, and not to conform to society and avoid alienation.
As of late last week, when I realised that I am actually Bisexual ( thanks to working with a new therapist), and had been rejecting men along with my own masculine history. If I am going to have hetero sex I want to have the option of vaginal penetration. SRS just feels right for me now.
I have been identifying as a Lesbian, and was prepared to wait another year or so, to see whether I could live Non-OP, or would want only an Orchi. I figured if I did have a girlfriend, she would be someone who would have to be comfortable with me as I was.
Apples, it really is a case of what is right for you is all that matters. You can defer for now, and change your mind later. I just have, and I feel fine about it.
Karen.
you don't need to have srs to conform to society , most people aren't aware of whats going on in your pants , besides sexual partners
Quote from: mementomori on August 27, 2012, 02:53:29 AM
you don't need to have srs to conform to society , most people aren't aware of whats going on in your pants , besides sexual partners...
...and of course YOURSELF - if you don't mind me saying so.
Best of luck though,
Axélle
I didn't even know what SRS was year ago, think first time I heard about this sort of thing was when I was about 15. I didn't begin transitioning until I was 25, my family, has never, as they do now, never accepted what I did to my body, or my life, even though, they are well aware of how I was growing up.
I finally underwent surgery when I was 29, I would of loved to have really done this much sooner, like at 18ish, but was really scared of coming out to my mother about it. In the end, that proved true anyway,. I regret having left it so long, as I missed out so much on my youth, I could of lived if I had done the transitioning much sooner. But then families are families, and I put their feeling first for years, until one day I had enough and decided I had to do some thing about it. ! :)
Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 21, 2012, 02:17:02 PM
. Not because of people that will say "how can you live with that, you will be a monster, who wants a woman with a penis, etc",
That depends on your/any MTF's outlook.
Turn it around and think of women (not AIS) with XY chromosomes and a 'left over' prostate.
Less visible, but still...SRS turns a MTF into a surgically constructed woman, not a ciswoman.
Plus another one: women who are biological fathers of several children, how about that?
Don't take this kind of 'arguments' and 'opinions' too hard...it's cruel and it comes usually from MTF who try to 'justify' or 'legitimate' their own decesion by dragging others down.
Quote from: Dahlia on August 27, 2012, 07:32:17 AM
Don't take this kind of 'arguments' and 'opinions' too hard...it's cruel and it comes usually from MTF who try to 'justify' or 'legitimate' their own decesion by dragging others down.
Meh, I think I'm going to put what I said on my las post on the first:
QuoteCan we stop with the real Vs fake pussy, pretty please with a cherry on top? We do what we can with what life has given us.
Let's stick to the original question, and keep away the "woman with a penis is a condemned monster", please.
At least I have my answer now: "I possibly want SRS, but for when I am ready to accept it, independently of what others may think" Being non binary is a bitch, but at least I have quite clear what's on my mind. And since I will be taking the social security option, I can worry about improving the rest of the body (the "public" part)
Gotta jot this down for the therapist...
Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 06:45:49 PM
I have a date in December, and I got my letter last week... but a recent bout of depression stopped me from being as euphoric as I might have been. i'll probably feel great about it in a few more weeks' time!
I had the same experience Kadri, when I got a date for my surgery, I thought I would feel euphoric, but then as the date got closer I got very nervous, also depression, family members (brothers) asking me, ''was I sure, did I really want to go thru with it bla bla bla, but my Mother and my boyfriend at the time where a great support, kept telling me it was for the best if I wanted to live the rest of my life as a normal woman, the day of my surgery got cancelled that morning till the afternoon, I remember I was given a sedative to calm my nerves, the build up and lead up is the worse, then its all over before you know it. I posted about it before in another thread. I remember going under the anesthetic, it seemed only 5mins but was actually over 5hours, I remember coming around and didn't realize I was done, then being told by my Dad, princess its all done, feeling the pain and packing, it was all over, now the after care and healing, time goes quick Kadri, you'll be fine and things have improved since my surgery over 20years ago, its a great feeling finally being a complete woman, I had other healing problems which most girls don't have now, just girly problems, all part of being a woman, no gain without pain, that goes for getting my ears pierced as well lol, Iv no regrets, I love my life now as the woman Iv become, best wishes Kadri.
Pauline
pretty pauline, thanks for being honest about your SRS experience. Many SRS accounts I read are devoid of emotion and are very clinical. I want to know how you feel every moment, before and after and whether there are doubts or a moment of regret post-op.
Quote from: Felicitá on August 27, 2012, 08:27:20 AM
pretty pauline, thanks for being honest about your SRS experience. Many SRS accounts I read are devoid of emotion and are very clinical. I want to know how you feel every moment, before and after and whether there are doubts or a moment of regret post-op.
Well, for what it's worth...
I was into GD up to my eye balls, so finally I got the letter, got the date after one SERIOUS cancellation due to a brain haematoma 3 days before my then scheduled surgery.
I almost had died then, was pretty far gone, 2 brain surgeries, paralysed on all my right side, could speak no more, close to being a vegetable...
Folks, and maybe I too, thought: wow that will show her where it's at, stupid SRS to want, and so on.
As soon as I was up and walking (after 5 - 6 days) I KNEW - NOTHING had changed, and nothing really had.
I mention this to give an idea of the motivation and drive I had for SRS.
Once I sat on the plain to Phuket all I was worried about that my brain-box would not play-up once again.
Well, bless it, it didn't, and the next day after my arrival I was in hospital.
It was NOTHING emotional, it was just the way it was TO BE.
If that makes sense?
My first of the two main-ops took about 7 - 8 hours the following day...
When I came to, again I was just calm - only vomited once, only a little - and from there on it was simply how to recover and do the right things.
The ONE thing that struck me the next few days, that as far as GD goes, it was like as if it NEVER had existed. Ever.
And I had suffered so much by it... it was gone. Completely.
That just left me pleased and somewhat amazed but that was it.
The rest was recovery - and getting used to the new down-stairs 'situation'.
It took me a while not to grab down there (after a pee and such) and wanting to tuck... :)
So, it was pretty much some sort of non-event really.
So much for my 'emotional' account.
Through it all, I was basically on my own and still am.
Axélle
Quote from: Bella on August 27, 2012, 06:19:11 AM
So now being a woman with a vagina is "conforming to society". Well, well..
She doesn't need to since she's a woman anyway.
A ciswoman that is, someone different from a post op MTF.