well my mother a while ago called me an abomination and basically cast me aside doomed to hell essentially , even though she did send me a target gift card?! I am really hurt by my moms words and they have been playing hell with my subconcious, been having dreams that I should stay as a male even though when i wake up I know that God does not condem me for wanting to be happy and living as female. I am not like some transgender folks who always knew they wanted to be, for me it was always back and forth struggling with my secret desires vs my conservative christian upbringing and fears.
I thought those fears were gone and yet it seems after my moms words, it is coming back to haunt me. I really don't know how to let it go, it cuts me and wounds me deep to hear my mother say these things. But she has said before in the past she wishes she had an abortion or never had us kids (including my brother) SHE GOES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN BEING A LOVING MOM TO A RAVING PSYCHO....I cannot begin to tell you how I have tried to deal with that all my life. I have endured abuse from both my mom and my since passed step father. I missed my childhood in alot of ways and most of my teenage years cause I was placed in a boys home.
Anyways please offer me some encouragement during this time. So many good things were happening to get me here to San Francisco and now I just feel so defeated.
*hugs* I'm sorry this is happening to you, I remember from your past threads that you have just somewhat recently come to accept yourself. This is the last thing you need right now.
I grew up in a pretty conservative Catholic family...coupled with a Catholic school system and a Catholic neighbourhood. Where I grew up, people just didn't do stuff "like that." If you were born a certain sex, by God, you conformed and you fit a certain mould. That was a huge barrier for me at first. Was I gambling my salvation by being my true self? it can take a really, really long time to be OK with yourself when you are growing up with messages like these being thrown at you. Don't worry if you are ambivalent right now. Don't worry about being torn. Just focus on loving yourself and listening to yourself and what you need. These things will come in time. One day, you will feel truly free from the oppressive messages you have received. It took me a number of years.
As for your mother herself, the abortion comment signals to me that she is rather unstable. You've indicated that too. Please try to remember that whatever it is that is making her so contrary is HER mess. It is hard not to get sucked in when it is someone you love and they are trying to hurt you, but she is probably experiencing something or other of her own that is making her behave like this.
Shawn,
Of course your mom had other expectations for you and you have surprised her, but it's not the end of the world. One mistake all parents do is set themselves up for disappointment by having expectations of their kid's that never come to fruition. Some dad's want sonny to follow in his footsteps, while moms expect their child to get married to a nice person of the opposite gender and make her a proud grandmother. The truth is you and I are not responsible for not living up to their expectations, we are unique individuals with our own ideas of who we are and where we want to go in life, after all this is your life, right? Think about it! Then there is the probability that one day your mom got out of the shower and looked at herself in the full-length mirror and thought, "My life has passed me by, nothing has worked out as I had dreamed it would and my figure is suddenly gone, everything has gone south!" Her husband is gone, she's feeling lost and alone, more than likely she may be a candidate for a little hormonal tuneup of her own. So Shawn, this probably isn't really about you at all. Then again, if the situation becomes unlivable and toxic, then it's time to cut the umbilical and get a life without mom.
Think about this, God made you in his/her image. Not gendered but spirit. god doesn't have a physical body but a spiritual one. The spirit is the image, not the body. The bible constantly reminds people that the physical just doesn't matter.
Quote from: LordKAT on September 01, 2012, 07:44:32 PM
Think about this, God made you in his/her image. Not gendered but spirit. god doesn't have a physical body but a spiritual one. The spirit is the image, not the body. The bible constantly reminds people that the physical just doesn't matter.
I think that was probably the best way I have ever seen that explained! *Thumbs up*
I know what it's like. Hopefully you can take comfort in knowing that others share the experience, and that there are many people like yourself to belong with...
Quote from: LordKAT on September 01, 2012, 07:44:32 PM
Think about this, God made you in his/her image. Not gendered but spirit. god doesn't have a physical body but a spiritual one. The spirit is the image, not the body. The bible constantly reminds people that the physical just doesn't matter.
Very well spoken if only everyone could see this.
@Claire25 It is isn't it.
I'm really sorry. No one is an abomination except the abominable snowman. Just him. It sounds like your mother is trying to make you suffer for her own hurts and struggles.
I'm going to share something with you now that I've never really spoken about here.
When she was alive, my mother was much the same as yours. Not in the religious aspect but in the way she would alternate between being loving and caring, and being a grade A, industrial strength hurtful "psycho", as you put it.
It took me a long, long time to figure out why. And the answer, it turned out, was that it was nothing to do with me as a person. It was a loss of control. She only flipped out when I did things in my life that she had no control over. That meant I didn't need her anymore. And she hated that. She hated me standing on my own two feet and making my own decisions. So she would try to undermine my confidence, to put doubts in my mind, with the hopes that I would give up and come running back to mommy, admitting that I couldn't cope by myself. She knew the things I feared, and played to them. Saying all kinds of hurtful things because she knew that already, at the back of my mind, I was struggling with them, and it was easy to amplify these things and make me lose my confidence.
A lot of times it worked. And I did give up. I thought all the things she said were true and that I did need her because if I tried to strike out on my own, it would never amount to anything. But then, one day, I sat and thought about it, and the penny dropped, so to speak. She was only loving while she had control over me. While she was telling me what was best for me and what I should and shouldn't be doing. It made her feel powerful, and needed.
But you know, once I realised that, I also realised that I was the one giving her that power over me and that control by believing what she was saying, and thinking that every time she flipped out and turned into Ms Hyde, it was my fault and I deserved it. And above all, because what I thought what she was saying was true when all along it was just a desperate attempt to make me feel so deflated and meek that I would never have the bottle to attempt things for myself and would always need her.
...
I think your mom knows what you're afraid of, and is scared of losing control over you. So she's playing on them to get you to give up. It's not about you, Shawn, or whether what you're doing is right or wrong. I think it's more the possibility that you're making these choices for yourself. That you're standing on your own without her.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on September 01, 2012, 05:58:13 PM
So many good things were happening to get me here to San Francisco and now I just feel so defeated.
That, perhaps, was the intent all along.
Don't give her that power over you, Shawn. You are the one who has control over your life now, and your decisions. Words can only hurt you if you think they're true, and if you believe the person saying them. Believe in yourself, and how far you've come. That is far more testament to who you are than something said by a scared person who isn't willing to let you go.
*big hugs*
Quote from: Sephirah on September 01, 2012, 11:28:31 PM
I'm going to share something with you now that I've never really spoken about here.
When she was alive, my mother was much the same as yours. Not in the religious aspect but in the way she would alternate between being loving and caring, and being a grade A, industrial strength hurtful "psycho", as you put it.
It took me a long, long time to figure out why. And the answer, it turned out, was that it was nothing to do with me as a person. It was a loss of control. She only flipped out when I did things in my life that she had no control over. That meant I didn't need her anymore. And she hated that. She hated me standing on my own two feet and making my own decisions. So she would try to undermine my confidence, to put doubts in my mind, with the hopes that I would give up and come running back to mommy, admitting that I couldn't cope by myself. She knew the things I feared, and played to them. Saying all kinds of hurtful things because she knew that already, at the back of my mind, I was struggling with them, and it was easy to amplify these things and make me lose my confidence.
A lot of times it worked. And I did give up. I thought all the things she said were true and that I did need her because if I tried to strike out on my own, it would never amount to anything. But then, one day, I sat and thought about it, and the penny dropped, so to speak. She was only loving while she had control over me. While she was telling me what was best for me and what I should and shouldn't be doing. It made her feel powerful, and needed.
But you know, once I realised that, I also realised that I was the one giving her that power over me and that control by believing what she was saying, and thinking that every time she flipped out and turned into Ms Hyde, it was my fault and I deserved it. And above all, because what I thought what she was saying was true when all along it was just a desperate attempt to make me feel so deflated and meek that I would never have the bottle to attempt things for myself and would always need her.
Wow, you just word for word described my mother. Shes been doing this to me for the longest time but it has become much worse since I came out and starting to transition.
Regardless of why your mother is behaving the way she is, she has to live with her conscience, and accept responsibility for her own actions in the same way you have.
There seems little point in trying to reason with someone who refuses to listen to you.
I would just end contact whenever she refuses to accept reality.
I have asked my mother top call me anything except my old name. If she does I will just end the conversation because it is not that hard a request to comply with.
Karen.
Quote from: LordKAT on September 01, 2012, 07:44:32 PM
Think about this, God made you in his/her image. Not gendered but spirit. god doesn't have a physical body but a spiritual one. The spirit is the image, not the body. The bible constantly reminds people that the physical just doesn't matter.
I completely believe this, and I'm a pantheist.
What people think and say about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. People project their own fears on others and hate them for it. Your mother's insecurity, her fear of judgment... That is what it is all about. It isn't about you but if you are going to seek her acceptance then you are going to get it with both barrels.
You need to let her know that her opinion doesn't matter to you (in a nice way if possible). Maybe if she upsets you again let her know you that you love her but she needs a time out. Then don't talk to her for long enough to make her uncomfortable and don't call her after the time out, let her call you.
Shawn, hon, does your mother eat seafood?
Quote from: LordKAT on September 01, 2012, 07:44:32 PM
Think about this, God made you in his/her image. Not gendered but spirit. god doesn't have a physical body but a spiritual one. The spirit is the image, not the body. The bible constantly reminds people that the physical just doesn't matter.
so beautiful, so true. We are souls in bodies having a huma experience. When we choose to transcend the supposed significance of the born sex, we are not defying god, we are taking part in a radical acceptance of an unseen spiritual truth. We are beautiful, our transitions are beautiful, and nothing your Mother says can change that. She has her own demons, pray for her.
God made you the way you are and thereby sent you on the journey you are on. So when you transition to present in your true gender, you are doing God's work.
Thank you all very much for your kind words and encouragment. I feel like a lady again, I seem to be wavering back and forth and I dislike that. Its an odd place to be since I am not even on hormone therapy (yet) I hope the hormones can actually help you feel more feminine, cause I really am craving that feeling I had just 2 months ago.
Tell her your proud to be a part of the OBAMAnation..
i know i am :)
Quote from: Amazon D on September 04, 2012, 06:13:41 PM
Tell her your proud to be a part of the OBAMAnation..
i know i am :)
As I clicked on this, the First Lady is about to speak. I am so proud to be living in the USA.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on September 04, 2012, 06:10:59 PM
Thank you all very much for your kind words and encouragment. I feel like a lady again, I seem to be wavering back and forth and I dislike that. Its an odd place to be since I am not even on hormone therapy (yet) I hope the hormones can actually help you feel more feminine, cause I really am craving that feeling I had just 2 months ago.
If you ever looked at the chart of the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the last 100 years, most of us can expect a trajectory just like that. There will be dips and even crashes but if you look at the long view, over time, the market always goes up. If you can survive the dips and crashes, your stock will always continue to rise.
I would like to say, one day, you will look back and laugh but that would probably be a lie. What you will likely do is look back and feel proud that you had the courage to get through it all.
At some time on your life, when you have accumulated a few decades under your belt, you have to stop worrying what other people call you, even your parents
It hurt but people are short sided ,mother nature is fond of mutations ! Chance all and what survive goes on.
PS i never hear ANYTHING what effects all that artificial colors , smell and taste have on us !
" I am not like some transgender folks who always knew they wanted to be, for me it was always back and forth struggling with my secret desires vs my conservative christian upbringing and fears. "
Don't be hard on yourself. By your own words, yes, you do know. But that knowledge clashes not with something inside of you, but your external training and upbringing. Shrug that stuff off, and you'll know who you are without shame. Good luck!
Something to remind your religious mother of...
Mat 7:1 "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again"
She should base her opinion of you on your internal goodness, not your appearance.
John 7:24, "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment."
I have the same deep rooted Christian upbringing, and I am not sure I will ever come to terms with it. To call something an abomination of God is to call God a liar. God is love. People do things that are imperfect from the ultimate ideal of people. So what? I think the ultimate sin against God referred to in the Bible is to cast aside a person out of hate from something they do. Unarguably, some aspects of things happening in my brain, and Im sure everyone elses conflict with the religion of Christianity. Forget about all that, true closeness to God is NOT in the acceptance of a church, but in the enactment of his will in our daily lives. People may cast you aside, not even able to place themselves in your frame of mind. However, many, many more will not.