I am a young boy. I sometimes feel like I should be a girl, but only half the time. It's still enough to be quite bothersome. I have no one to talk to about this, and was wondering if anyone could help me.
Thanks,
Scarlett
Scarlett, this can be intense and complicated. Really, it's best that a therapist help you out with this. Is there an adult you can trust to help you get to one? Someone who won't judge you or moralize or try to talk you out of it, but who will accept your feelings as part of you?
Hi Scarlett, :icon_wave:
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I'll explain more in a few hours when there's less risk of my parents seeing this
I am not sure where you are. In the USA is an organization called PFLAG, Parents & Friends of Lesbeins & Gays. In the Baltimore Maryland area as I am sure others, they are also a strong TG support. Don't be fooled by the name, helping young adults is job #1
The reason I'm not in therapy now is because I don't have any adults to talk to about this. My parents are hypocrites who are pro homosexuality, yet detest ->-bleeped-<-, so that puts them out of the question. I could probably tell my ex girlfriend, as she is bisexual and very accepting, but I don't know if I can trust her to keep a secret. I don't live in Maryland, but I'll still look into PFLAG. There are 3 big issues with my possible transsexuality. One is that I only feel ultra female some days, while others, I feel macho. Another is that I am a straight male, and have always been attracted to girls. The last one may not seem very big, but it is to me. I'm a guitarist in a metal band, and that is my passion in life, but I don't know how the metal community views transsexuals. Some background on my thoughts of my gender: I didn't realize I might be trans until I found out it was possible to change your gender a few years ago, although signs were there my whole life. I played with barbies, called my clothes dresses, and did such until age 4 when my dad took action against it. One thing that bothers me is the fact that if I do transition, I may never pass as a girl. Even though I've always identified with girls better, and always had a more "girly" emotionally driven thought process, I am physically very masculine. Even with my 10 inch hair, I couldn't pass as female without 10 layers of makeup and intensely styled hair. Speaking of, I've never cross dressed or wore makeup, but would love to. Wow I've never talked about this before, and I already feel better :D
Most of us do try to live up the expectations of our families and the role we were born into. Most children want to please parents, so we try. If they are honest, most women will confess they sometimes don't feel like girlie girls. So why should you!
Gender identity and sexual preference are two distict things. Just because you feel like you identify more as a female, does not mean you cannot be attracted to females. I always have been attracted to women even though I felt like I should have been one since the age of 4-5. In my 20's I experimented with guys since they formed, in part, part of my female fantisy. It turned out that guys did nothing for me. Cross that off the list :D
I am living sort of part-time. When I can, I do girlie-girl. Not so much girlie after-work dealing with dinner and housework. Purely guy mode when it comes to swinging wrenches and other outdoorsie guy things which are far more practical in ratty jeans and tops I don't care about. To be perfectly honest, perhaps only 10% of the time I am in girlie girl mode I feel it. Dressing girlie is just plain ole me and feeling totally happy being that girl. Not sure if that counts as feeling girlie ??? Most times I just feel like me, either a happy joyous me or a half dead hopeless lifeless me.
I found that passing is mostly a matter of:
1) Attitude (self-esteeme, confidence etc.)
2) Practice (hair, makeup, clothes, and out in the real world)
That is coming from a 6ft tall formerly 250 lb, big boned balding stutter. In my 20's I felt I could never pass and be accepted as a female the two times I experimented/tested transitioning. THese days I am seriously considering going full-time. The biggest physical differences from 30 years ago are now I am inch shorter and a lot balder. Neither has anything to do with how well I pass now
Thanks. I hate though that I can't make up my mind on my gender identity. Some days I feel like I NEED to be a girl, and cannot deal with my male body, while other times, I feel disgusted by my own thoughts. I wish I had a way to experiment with hair makeup and clothes but I don't have access to any of those. Life would would really be easier if you could change gender at will. Sometimes I wonder if for me this isn't just some sort of fetish that could be worked out by cross dressing. I know that if I see a really pretty girl, my immediate thought is "I wish I could be her." I'd that creepy? I'm sorry if I seem to be kind of all over the place, I just have so many things on my mind right now. I think I need to just take a breath
Hey Scarlett: Welcome. A couple of things...
You are not alone. You are never alone. Many of us have gone through or are going through similar experiences. So join the community, join local communities, and find friends and support wherever you can.
Be careful. Ideally, we all should be able to "be who we are" etc. BUT the world (especially where I live, in eastern europe) can be very very cold towards people like us. And by cold, I mean lethal. Be brave, but also be smart, and protect yourself at all times.
There are a number of gender disorders/states that may apply to you. That's okay. I started out male, my first experience was with a boy, then I fell for a girl, then more boys, then got married to a girl, just now I've had SRS surgery and am still with my lovely wife. Don't worry about who you are attracted to; that has little if anything to do with who you feel you are inside, male or female (or a combination of both, or neither.... that's okay too).
The best thing to weed out what you might be would be to talk to a gender counselor and if appropriate get on some female hormones. ALL of us here who have transitioned or have started to transition regret not starting sooner. The body is harder and harder to mold the older you get. Start hormones before male puberty, and you are indistinguishable from a girl physically growing up; start at age 50, and not much will change sadly. I started at age 32, and a lot changed very well, but nowhere near as much as had I started at 22, or best yet, 12. It is huge that your parents are accepting of being gay; maybe a good counselor can help them understand that this is no worse, just different. If you can get your parents onboard, they can help you out unimaginably. Otherwise, save your pennies, get a second job, because you'll need it.
Keep talking, keep sorting it out in your head. If you can't find others locally, keep posting here. We've all been there, done that, doing that, wanna do that, gotten through that.... you will too.
Good luck!
Forgot to add:
Maybe reassure your parents this transition is not about wearing makeup and frilly miniskirts and heels.... it is a psychological inside thing. It helped my old religious mother a lot when I told her some about my situation, and added that she wouldn't really notice a difference beyond my androgyny (which I've been for many years). Maybe it isn't good to deceive your parents, but only for a few years until you fly the nest, and in exchange for keeping the peace and for their support (including financial)....
Hormones will tell you in a few months if you are just fetishizing this or a crossdresser, trust me. As testosterone leaves your body, you'll either lose or strengthen your desire to be female. Then you can stop or continue without problem.
See a pretty girl and wish you were like her? Welcome to the club, girlfriend. ;D
Thanks again! I think I'll wait to tell my parents until I've talked to some more people about this, both here and in real life. School starts back up tomorrow, so I think I will start to tell people that I trust soon. I think it's best to have goals, so I'm thinking this:
•Tell my Ex in the next month
•Tell my parents by December
•If all goes well, begin transitioning next summer so I could pass full time next year
Obviously, this is all very optimistic, and probably won't work quite this smoothly, but I'm ready for anything. You wouldn't believe how inspirational just the past dew hours on this site have been for me. The only thing really worrying me now is people at school, and my band. But that's all in the future. I think that I can now confidently say that inside, I am a girl, and I am ready to embrace that side of myself. I know I keep going on about this, but I think HRT is for me too. When I get envious of a pretty girl, its of her body, and not just her face. Also, one last thing, how permanent are the changes of HRT?
Glad to hear you're feeling good about things! Just remember, just because you are on hormones, or even had surgery, you don't need to "tell" anyone, or "come out" to anyone at all. You can still work the stage for a few years without anyone knowing anything, at least. That's the last thing I'd worry about..
How permanent are HRT effect? Well, first, keep in mind that HRT can and has been deadly to people..... there are very real risks, so be very careful and see an endocrinologist who knows about trans issues if you can.... we cannot really talk specifics on this board.
Anyway, most of the effects are not permanent, like less body hair, fat redistribution, etc. Growing breasts is sort of reversible for maybe the first year, but after that, it is permanent. I don't know how old you are, but you might get significant growth if you are young and are on hrt for a number of years. I'm older, but I have enough development that if I'm in boy mode, I have to wear either a seamless sports bra one size too small or strap down with a tight undershirt... that's something you'll have to get used to if you are planning not to be open initially.
Next question? :)
I really want to dress and act like my female self, but I have very few people I would be comfortable doing that around, and I also have no access to makeup, or girls clothes. I really want to just go to one of my female friends houses and have them give me a makeover and hang out and stuff. I know people who would be willing, but I dont know how I could do that without my parents knowing. Also, you've done HRT right? If so what is it like? If that's not too personal a question of course.
If it gets too personal, I'll just shut up, so no worries. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years now, and just had my srs surgery in thailand at the beginning of august a few weeks ago... feeling very good right about now, of course in a very uncomfortable spot (think 550 stitches down there... :)
HRT will do lots of cool things to your outlook, your personality, your body, IF you are really transgendered, ie it won't make you happy at all if you are only a crossdresser (which is fine too). HRT will sort of weed you out if you are just a crossdresser. The feeling of relief from so many psychological things was the best part for me, and actually many of us who dont want or cant afford surgery just end up on hormones for long term and feel complete enough like that. Hair growth slows down everywhere and gets finer on the body (not on the face; you need laser for that)... if you are young enough not to have developed a full beard by now (and I didnt till I was like 20 or so) HRT will prevent new follicles from forming, which would be a very good thing... at least until you stop HRT. You;ll prolly end up crying at a stupid movie, and in general just calming right down without testosterone in your system. You'll get an interesting view about the chemical differences between the genders... I've found that particularly cool. I've lived both sides, few can say that! There are a few studies that acutally show the brain rewiring to some degree to act more like a female's.... as measured by EKG and other tests.... there are some great hormone resources online... google is your friend!
;D
Wow that sounds like exactly what I need. Do you know anything about coming out/transitioning in high school? That's what I think I want to do but I don't know if it's smart to do so. I k ow it isn't good to rush things like this.
Sorry, I have no idea about coming out in high school. I'd say these things: there is NO need to rush or to "come out" until you are ready and sure. High school, like the internet, doesn't let you erase what you've said! I'm sure your school counselor would be a good place to start a conversation; you are unlikely the first student to have gone through this there, so maybe you can get good advice from her or him. A lot also depends on where you live... Small town virginia or texas might have a different reaction than seattle or portland, you know? Investigate the HRT but don't rush into things. If you're sure, don't leave it a few more years, but a few more months won't matter in the long run. :)
Thanks. I live in small town NJ, so I have no clue how people would react :/ I'm planning on coming out to a friend of mine in a few days, and was wondering if you had any tips on how or when to do it