My wife said very clearly that she wants to know what's going on. She knows I've been on a forum a lot from time to time, and I figure it may be better just to let her look at the last month and a half or so. Is this stupid? I'm known for doing dumb things once in a while, so be honest. Have any of you tried this? And if so, did it do any good? Also, if any of you object for any reason I will not argue, and will immediately scrap the whole idea.
Of course I'd go through and delete some dumb posts before I did anything.
I'm not comfortable when a spouse says, "Thou shalt allow me to look at thine posts" because often there's a hidden "...or else". If you said firmly "No", what would she do?
My wife (ex- ) never insisted on seeing/reading my posts, but I did offer them for her. She has enough trust in me that she never needed to see what I'd written...either that, or she just didn't care (that is true, also).
Be aware she might not like what she reads. I would reread every post and ask if you really what her to read this or that.
What would be the worse possible outcome of such revealing.
I always thought that it was important to share everything with your best friend, unless there's something to hide.
or the other side my wife reads alot of my posts it helps me talk about things that bother me i kept them from her for a long time no more though
Do you mean, as a means of coming out? She knows you're on a forum but not which one? I guess that's a way, but I'd tend to think that something directly addressed to her would be better.
If that's not what you meant, well, there are two questions to ask yourself. 1. How do you feel about it? Do you mind it? 2. Is there something on here that might offend her? Did you complain about your wife? Did someone complain about how XX your wife is?
I think it all comes down to how you see it. If you feel your privacy is a little violated, or that she's not minding her own business, you probably shouldn't show her. If you don't mind and actually see it as a way of letting her more easily on feelings you've been having trouble expressing, then you probably should show her.
Quote from: Gretchen on September 07, 2012, 09:52:03 PM
I always thought that it was important to share everything with your best friend, unless there's something to hide.
...Or she's known to fly off the handle for the smallest things, if her insecurity is touched. One does not need to share with an abuser.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 07, 2012, 10:12:18 PM
...Or she's known to fly off the handle for the smallest things, if her insecurity is touched. One does not need to share with an abuser.
One does not need to be with an abuser either, life is to short and transition is way to important. If you can't share everything with your partner then what's the point of being with them?
Thank you girls. I'm glad I asked now. Letting her see the posts would be an offer that she could take or not. Obviously it'd be great if she said no. Even though I've never said anything bad, and I think there are only statements of love, there likely are a lot of posts that need to be delete.
I'll see what everyone says tomorrow morning some time. But you have good points about taking some caution with what she sees. But then it makes me look like I'm hiding something. This idea isn't looking too good yet.
K
Have your wife join the site then you both could read each other posts. It could be a fine way of opening up the communication and neither of you will have anything to hide.
Personally, I'm against showing. I actually don't believe in this idea that successful relationships require full, total disclosure all the time. On the contrary, everyone's entitled to their own private space and to have conversations or express ideas that they might not want their partner to share. We are all individuals. The fact that we choose to share a huge part of our lives with another person does not mean we need to lose that individuality, or the right to privacy within a relationship.
I don't demand or want to know about my wife's private communications. And there are things that are private to me that I don't want her to know, either.
This forum is my refuge, the place I can say things I can't say, am not ready to say elsewhere. It's very, very private and that's the way it stays.
Your wife is entitled to know what's going on.
More than the participants of this forum are.
Quote from: Carlita on September 08, 2012, 12:32:39 AM
Personally, I'm against showing. I actually don't believe in this idea that successful relationships require full, total disclosure all the time. On the contrary, everyone's entitled to their own private space and to have conversations or express ideas that they might not want their partner to share.
I agree with Carlita, and would go even further. I would say relationships where members have no boundaries are unhealthy.
That said, everything posted here is public. You can't stop her from joining Susan's and seeing your posts if she wants to.
I do think there are boundaries that ought to be maintained, but in my view if I was willing to put it online for anyone to see, it couldn't be anything secret enough that it has to remain private from her.
My wife is free to read my posts, even the ones where I am negative or frustrated with her, surely she would understand that it isn't all rainbows and sunshine from either of our perspectives.
An important piece of information is missing before I can weigh in. That is, have you ever cheated on her? Does she have a valid cause to think that you are/may?
Article after article all go on over "You know your spouse may be cheating when....." with "chatting" with people on-line being way up the list.
There are few secrets between my wife and I. She self describes as pathologically honest. Could even be a stranger. In my case it just eats me away inside if I am hiding something from her she should know. But even given those factors I would still rather not have her read them. But, if she felt that she needed to for whatever reason, I would likely relent. Jealousy and suspicion are cancers that will eat away at even the strongest relationships.
I've told my wife that she is free to join any site that i'm on and see what i've posted. I told her that what I have posted was for the most part unvarnished and that she should be prepared for some possibly unpleasant things if she reads them. I gave her the site names and I have reason to believe that she logged on to at least one of them.
The only problem I see for you is whether you've posted information somewhere that you've not told your wife? Having her find out a secret that way is problematic.
It seems to me that there are some trust issues at work here - having her read your posts sounds like a great way to open up the lines of communication and begin to build trust.
I would say no, because some things are private issues. But if she wants to know more about your feelings the genuine you is right in front of her! Just ask away.
Carlita, AG, and Rita. I understand, and have benefitted from the open aspects of the forum. This is one place where we can discuss problems with a group of individuals who all must live inside one small societal subset. And so while I was away in July and August I adamently promised myself to never denegrate or mischaracterize any individual in this group in any way.
And Joanne. I have never cheated on my wife, although she feels very cheated right now by my fully coming out to her.
But to eveyone I've ever talked to on the message board there is a big appology here. When I finally joined this forum after lurking for several years I know several of my posts were laced with untrueth in order to protect myself or it was used as a means to make something more relavent. This is shameful and I freely admit my fault. It discredited my posts, has made me less trustworhy, and worst of all discounted the forum. Even though the misrepresentations didn't specifically relate to any questions that I may have asked, they did purport differences in how I was currently living my life. No one should condone my actions in those earlier posts as necessary in any way. And I now condemn myself for this misuse of the forum. But these early posts may be things my wife needs to see. I am not always a good person, and covering up a very difficult part of my life has become so routine it scares me to think it's done so eaily.
So if I catch myself trying to "ADD EFFECT" to my posts I immediately erase them and just don't post. Part of the 6 week absence from this forum was spent thinking about truth and honesty, and how I viewed my transgender being. If the things I say can't be completely accurate now, then those words will never be posted. And to that end I go back to my very first post where I said I was living as a man, and always would. Yes, I am living life right now as a man, and there is no timetable for me to move past this beard and these man-mode days. My gender therapist knows about my life and she advised me to let go of the things I can't change or they would just damage the rest of my life. There is no telling what's in the future because it is a day to day life now, but if you're willing to accept my faults then I want to continue with this forum.
I must offer these posts to my wife for my own sake. And since I just did so, when and if she ever wants to read them is her decision, not mine because my decions are obviously flawed.
I am sorry, Kathy
I'm very uncomfortable with the idea that honesty somehow requires disclosing every single thought or idea or wish or whatever. No relationship can handle that type of brutally complete disclosure because we often think and wonder things that may not stick in the long run. And once you admit something, it colors everything else and cannot be un-admitted later. Once you speak something, it cannot ever be un-spoken. Once your spouse reads something, it can never be un-read -- even if you have long ago moved on and changed your thinking.
Honesty in personal relationships of all types (especially marriage) requires disclosing those things that really do matter. But not everything matters, and it's up to you to decided whether a certain piece of information crosses that line or is just part of the process of figuring out who you are and where you're going. The test is not, "How would my spouse feel if she read everything I ever wrote?" It's more like, "Is what I'm writing really who I am? And, if so, is it dishonest to hide this part of myself?"
With those closest to you, some types of disclosure could be devastating to a relationship -- and needlessly so. Conversely, some types of withholding could be equally devastating. Only you can figure out where that line is for your relationship.
But it's never the case that your every thought or instinct or feeling needs to be blurted out. And sometimes that's how people use online forums, as that place where things can be blurted out and sorted through later. You can edit or delete posts later, you know. So it makes a perfect place to try out exposing your feelings with relative safety knowing that such feelings may fade into irrelevance. You can experiment in an effort to find out what you really think or feel, and to get feedback which may actually change how you think or feel.
Despite feeling like a public thing, as long as your identity is not compromised, forums can be the safest and most anonymous place in the world. You can type things to strangers that you would never say to a person standing there looking you in the face. And you can get brutally honest feedback that social conventions would never allow one-on-one.
Being brutally honest and fully-disclosing with yourself (and probably your paid therapist) is an absolute must, but what you give the rest of the world, including those with whom you have intimate relationships, is a different matter. Social honesty does not require everything, only those things which actually matter.
So, to the question at the top of this thread, I don't feel like you have any obligation to let anyone read your posts, especially if -- as you admit -- some of them are not wholly honest. That could open a can of hurt which would be unnecessary.
If you were using this forum to actively avoid admitting something, that would be a different story. But it sounds like you are using this as a scratchpad, in which case you have every right -- and a bunch of good reasons -- to keep it private.
Lora
http://translora.wordpress.com (http://translora.wordpress.com)
I would treat this as a private space unless your wife was totally accepting and supporting you in your transition, in which case she would probably be on here as a SO anyway, and would be able to read them.
If that is not the case, then I would not, but it is a personal matter between you. Just be aware that there will be consequences. Good or bad.
Karen.
Spouses feeling cheated or betrayed by your not telling them your deep dark shamefull secret is not uncommon. I have one ex due to that. My current wife who knew almost from day 1 some 30 years when we first started dating feels betrayed. While for 30 years I have been absolutely sure I had no desire to transition after having tried and stopped twice in my 20's, that is turning out not to be so absolute as I began the process of addressing many of life's issues which somehow led either directly or indirectly to being TG.
The possible hurt or sense of betrayal she may feel from reading your posts are trivial in comparison to the betrayals her mind will imagine as she weaves amazing scenarios with the power of imagination. I suspect that once her curiosity is satisfied she'll loose interest in the posts. She will have her proof that nothing sinister is going on (ie: hookups, hrmones, guys) and the two of you will likely be doing a lot more talking about you, your feelings, and your thoughts about what direction this exploration may go.
And.... just how sure can you be she isn't already lurking? No signup is needed to read posts. How well have you covered your tracks as to what sites you've to? Cookies that may reveal your screen-name? On Susan's there is always the "Just for us" area for issues, vents/rants you may want to keep from her eyes.
In other words, if you want any hope of riding this absolutely major excrement storm out and saving your marriage, perhaps even seeing the both of you grow stronger through sharing this crises, you should fold and go for full-disclosure. Otherwise you are likely to wind up in a marriage death spiral of false accusations and distrust, from both sides.
No guarantee how fast, or if ever, her feelings of distrust will abate. It's been about 2 years for my wife to finally come around and fully trust me and to believe that I will never leave her, either as part of a transition, or just to stay as I am an running off with one of the women from my group since I do have a prior history of dating TSs.
Hi Karen, and Joanne. I offered my posts to her and she said no without looking at me. That was followed by "I'm not ready, and it's going to take a long time". After that is was a very silent morning.
And Lora. I checked your link, and you have wonderful posts that seem quite introspective to your deisire, and very aware of how your male body controlled your life. I hope you stay on Susans and post for us.
To explain further about my mistruths, here is a brief expose about the decisons to start HRT without prescription or counseling. I lied on the forum about self medication, because I continued to medicate even after expounding a decision to stop. Although I had set up appointments with my doctor, she was actually unaware of what I was really doing. In the quest for advice from others here on Susans, I manufactured a cover for my use of unprescribed hormones, and indicated the doctor had prescribed the low-dose I was on. This is what I'm ashamed of, and what my wife needs to know. But she won't discuss it with me, and she will not read these posts.
The trouble I had in June with my doctor is very truthful, and our converstions were repeatd on the forum honestly. And of course, the truth included the difficulty is securing a therapist through my heathcare provider, since that was a month-long hell. But, recieving the advice and approval of a therapist or Endo was contrived, because my doctor refused to refer Endo Unit until just last week when she was asked to do so by the psychiatrist. And so in late June I ordered hormones and Spro again to satisfy the compelling desire to take the only substance that makes me feel more complete and alive. I couldn't wait the two months it would have taken to talk to a therapist again. And even though the Chief Psychiatrist for Trans Health had called me several times, I even lied to her about how much I was medicating.
And so I am still self medicating, but this time my therapist and wife know about it. I will continue until Tuesday morning when I meet the Endocrinologist face to face for the first time.
My two months in Michigan were filled with lonely but productive days. Not only was extensive work done on my home, but that time was spent considering my future. This has been a strange life, and I warmly thoght of those happier days as a child, and my older days with my family. But the warm thoughts were always puntuated by the indescribable horror of molestation by a creaton teenager when I was 8 years old, and the discuting advances by older gay men when I reached my early teens. I only hope these people died deservedly horrible deaths, and were burried without markers to thier existence. But all the good and bad in my life was thought through, and I hope I came to terms withl the ghosts and dragons that haunted me.
I know estrogen has helped me place some sort of value on each part of my life. I am sure you all understand the "true self" that estrogen unlocks, and how it makes decisions for a transwoman more understandable. I now just want to continue, but this time with medical help. So if I live but one more year I am happy that it's with Kathy alive inside, and Joe on the outside. But I want to live 20 more with Kathy in and out.
The name Kathy actually came from the doll "Chatty Cathy" but with a K to match my real last name. I wanted that doll so much when I was a child, and it was never to be.
I would say no, most people find it disturbing to sneak around in what other read, from sms messages, to email, or post on the forums.
it would probably also be harder for you to speak openly about something if you know your wife will see it.
Hi Natkat. What's done is done. I also think it was a mistake, but maybe a necessary one. She doesn't want to read them anyway, and I won't push.
My wife suffers from information overload. It took a while for me to learn that fine balance between holding back and TMI. I suspect your wife may never want to actually read your postings. Just the fact that you offered her the opportunity to was enough to ally her immediate fears and lack of trust.
It can take weeks or months for her to absorb all that has happened and is happening. Often missteps are made by us because the floodgates were opened. We actually told the most important person in our life our deepest darkest secret. Nothing gets held back and the sense of now you can charge ahead overwhelms you. Just keep in mind how many decades it took for you to come to some sort of understanding about who you are. Someone who hasn't lived it will not absorb it all in a few days or weeks. Even for those who have lived it, it may take time. Afterall the entire definition and dynamics of the relationship is suddenly in flux. Worse is her having to come to a resolution about the relationship now that she knows this critical piece of literally life changing information.
Up untill a few weeks ago the one and only thing I hid from my wife was HRT. I knew from past experience the great relief I obtained from temporary low dose HRT to reset my thinking and feelings. Much of the personal growth I achieved over the past 2 years would not have been possible without it as temporary became permanent. My wife very much recognizes that growth, something she has been helping me with and hoping to see for much of our time together. She recognized my potential to change and to loose a lot of my negative thinking. I thankfully give her 90% of the credit for me being the person I am today. None of the advances I achieved would not have been possible without her.
honestly kathy b, I really don't think self-medding HRT is such a bigge. Then again, I'm very laissez-faire when it comes to your body, so take it with a grain of salt.
Well Joanne. Wives do play a big role in our lives, and after a time my wife and I have come to thnk very much alike. With the same interests it makes planning our projects a lot easier.
Yes Ave, I know how you feel. I'm using my medication until the new script is written on Tuesday. But this forum does not condone, encourage or promote discussion about the subject so that's about all I want to say. Except that I concocted a story that should have never seen the light of day. And I need transdermal patches or injections at my age to protect against serious health complications, so the Endo is necessary to track my levels and hopefully help me stay healthy. I paid extra for my health plan while I was working in order for it to pay for medications now. And since they cover HRT I want the meds from them.
K
Should I let my wife read my posts
Started by kathy b
NO tell her to let you have some privacy and if she wants to know more than have her just simply ask you her questions..
Tell her you also respect her privacy and will ask her any questions you have for her.
Also answering questions is relevant to the depth of your relationship :police:
I have been trying to keep my mouth shut on this one...
I think a lot of women and particularly wives seem to think that everything about being "trans" is sexual. I remember when I told my mother I was going to a gender conference years ago for a surgery consultation she told me to be careful and I asked why and she said something about it all being about sex in a hotel with other trans people.
Well... she was right.
When I went to that famous gender conference it was easy to see how such a thing could be construed as a sexual hookup place for "men" because it was. It was a sexual hook-up place for men or more specifically for males i.e. the M in M2F.
So...
I would say that if you intend to remain with your wife or female partner then by all means allow her to read your posts. Because otherwise she is going to be wondering about this thing you are going through and whether or not it is about sexual hookups and stuff.
I know not everyone who transitions or is trans or who crossdresses is wanting sex with strangers but due to the nature of testosterone and biology a whole lotta peeps are.
Let her know you aren't one of them by allowing her to see that this is not a sexual hookup site.
Hi Amazon and Noey. I had something typed up but I somehow lost it. So I'll try again.
I considered the privacy aspect and it worries me that she will know some very personal things about how I deal with my problems. She already knows I make mistakes, so this could easily fuel any argument she has against me. But she's has no desire to read the posts, and may not unless she decides we need to seperate.
As far as the sexual aspect goes, I explained in June and again on Thursday that my gender has nothing to do with sex, and that I'm not gay, or in any way attacted to men. And have never had an affair. But, since there is no trust left inside her, I doubt anything I say is acceptable right now. But she's an RN with access to medical reviews and journals that I could never access. She said she's reading those to know where I could be going.
As for your point on hookups. It's odd about how many men passionately hate transsexuals, and how many others pursue transwomen for sex. I don't know how others feel, but it seems pornography has a growing negative impact on the entire transsexual and transgender community. And this is rapidly spreading as a stereotype. Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way. No idea how this stereotype will effect the community in the future, but it definately will in some fashion.
Kathy
Quote from: kathy b on September 09, 2012, 05:18:51 PM
Hi Amazon and Noey. I had something typed up but I somehow lost it. So I'll try again.
I considered the privacy aspect and it worries me that she will know some very personal things about how I deal with my problems. She already knows I make mistakes, so this could easily fuel any argument she has against me. But she's has no desire to read the posts, and may not unless she decides we need to seperate.
As far as the sexual aspect goes, I explained in June and again on Thursday that my gender has nothing to do with sex, and that I'm not gay, or in any way attacted to men. And have never had an affair. But, since there is no trust left inside her, I doubt anything I say is acceptable right now. But she's an RN with access to medical reviews and journals that I could never access. She said she's reading those to know where I could be going.
As for your point on hookups. It's odd about how many men passionately hate transsexuals, and how many others pursue transwomen for sex. I don't know how others feel, but it seems pornography has a growing negative impact on the entire transsexual and transgender community. And this is rapidly spreading as a stereotype. Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way. No idea how this stereotype will effect the community in the future, but it definately will in some fashion.
Kathy
this bothers me. I don't mean you particularly, just this whole subtext of "I'm not gay" has a rather homophobic tone. As if the idea of man on man love is repelling to TRANS people of all people.
And anyway, seeing as how you're attracted to women and take HRT, doesn't that make you...um...kinda gay?
The issues of gender identity and sexuality (or sexual orientation) need to be kept separate. They can confuse the issue.
Yeah. I get the point Ave, but it was an expanatory statement for my wife. And yes, if I transitions today I would consider myself lesbian.
And thanks Jamie. That's the last I will mention it.
I just mean that many people assume that being transsexual has a lot to do with sexual activity, in general. So a spouse might have that concern.
Oh, I misunderstood Noey. Yes in June she did think that maybe I was somehow tied up a sexual adventure.
Kathy,
This is not me 'designated area' so to say but I felt a very strong need to respond to your initial question as to letting your wife see your Susans posts...
As an SO, her want/need (or not) could stem from something as simple as curiosity. Or it could come from a deeper place such as she isnt sure you are being completely honest/open with her about your feelings. I know for me personally, it is easier to post my true thoughts on Susans than it is to say them out loud to my wife. As an SO I would highly recommend AGAINST hiding the posts from her. All this will do is instill insecurity in the relationship. She will constantly be wondering what you said and if it has anything to do with her or is in some way negative. The only thing I can recommend is COMPLETE honesty within the relationship. I see so many people here saying that spouses dont need to know everything the other person is thinking... And while this is true in most couples... I do not think it applies here. Your wife needs to know what you are feeling. Honestly feeling. If she feels that you are keeping something from her then it is only natural for her to show an interest in the things you post. If you are in some way distant from her, emotionally or otherwise, she is going to want to get inside your head... Trust me, been there... If you hide it from her she is quite likely to find some other way of seeing it.
I agree with Joanne, if there is something you absolutely cant let her know for some reason, there is the 'Just for Us' section.... I will also say that Full Disclosure is a necessity if you are hoping to either maintain or create an honest, open, trusting relationship... I wish you the best of luck with your wife and hope you can start rebuilding the trust you had with her and vice-versa.
Quote from: kathy b on September 09, 2012, 05:18:51 PM
Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way.
You are NEVER too old to be singled out for harm!