Has anyone experience this? Before my transition. I was awesome in public...now I am scared half to death. I get so nervous and hot. Its getting to the point I want to run to my car and cry. I started seeing a therapist again so we will see how that goes. I try to not let it bother me but nothing seems to help. I have good days and bad days...
Yes. Change, and in-betweenness, makes us potentially pretty vulnerable, so it's not surprising if we lose some of our confidence (which is partly based on knowing how to behave a certain way in society, which we're now giving up to some extent). Plus being on hormones is like going through adolescence all over again - not a stage of life famous for imbuing people with social ease ::).
I had social anxiety prior to transition, but I still struggle when outside now because I don't know how people read me. Or I think that people read me as a woman and that upsets me.
How do you deal with it? I just try to think about other things and breath slow but it just doesnt work.
Yes. I have it too. I feel like people will attack me. It makes me scared
I wear clothes that make me feel good when I am in public. And other times, I just tell myself that there are always going to be these sorts of challenges. There's always going to be people out and about that I have to walk by, and even people who are going to look at me funny or possibly give me a bad time (teenagers particularly). I just think of it as something that we all deal with on a day to day basis and that I just have to accept it. It doesn't always help but it softens it a bit.
Yes, I definately get social anxiety now.
I'm dying to go full time but certain things era holding htis up, I refuse to take off my nail varnish though, it's the one thing that can make me smile no matter what.
I was in the local corner shop earlier & a group of women walked in ready for a night out, once i'd stopped being jealous about their clothes, figure, shoes etc etc I realised that they'd be next to me at the counter, around here women of their age (early 20's) are not very forgiving, when I got up to the counter one of them spotted my nail varnish, I weas expecting some catty remarks but all she did was compliment me on the colour.
She was also very complimentary when I revealed i'd done them myself, I explained the trick is Rimmel nail varnish (I could down 20 bottles of vodka & still get a perfect finish with it).
Alot of the time the most pressure comes from within, we visualise the worst that can happen but it rarely does.
I understand that this is a defence mechanism but it seems that when transitioning these defences go into overdrive.
I think the best saying for this is "keep calm & carry on" although it's easier said than done.
Jayne
In my area, I live by the words of FDR. "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." It isn't easy, but you face the social anxiety by getting out there and being yourself.
That's what I try to do. I go out and try to do things that make me uncomfortable hoping I will deal with it better. Some days are ok and some are bad. The problem is I get really hot and than I think about it and my face starts to have little drops of sweat and I get really embarassed. I try to be confident but it feels like it over powers me
I was and still am unhappy with going outside to a certain extent. This has more to do with not being treated very well by people than anything else - at least, for most of my life. However, recently, I am treated better, and I do find I'm more confident when outside than ever before. Being in an in-between state is very taxing on a person's emotions... but once you make it, life becomes a lot simpler.
I still don't like interacting with people, but that's just a personal hangup. I'm good at it when I need to be.
Quote from: TessaM on September 08, 2012, 09:24:49 PM
Alice,
im assuming your just starting off? I was kinda scared at first too. I thought in my head, what if I purposely put myself in scenarios where ill be made to feel uncomfortable, would that help? For me, yes it did. I went out to bars and clubs and for walks downtown. In my mind, real life was like a video game, and every time id go out id get "xp points." Eventually id "increase" the level I was at till finally I was good to go! Worked for me.
Brilliant! I thought I was the only one who sees the flashing lights and hears the fanfare music every time I level up. The higher the difficulty, the faster the xp piles on. :)
I think there will always be an amount of social anxiety, but the secret is even cis gendered individuals deal with social anxiety. Sometimes for similar reasons we do.
My PTSD spiked when I began transitioning, which is the Bulk Economy Pack of anxiety. I find, for some reason, that imagining a large set of wings on my back makes me more fearless (hey, whatever works...) - but I've also let myself learn from experience that situations are always better than I'm afraid they'll be.
And I have this trick where if I'm on the street and a group of people are coming towards me, I imagine them being really happy and friendly. This makes me not afraid of them, so there's no fear from me to pick up on (that seems to make especially young men act up), so I get no trouble. I'm kind of amazed by how well this works.
I did have a sort of panic attack earlier in the week. I wasn't feeling well and kept having temperature spikes, which tend to make me have hallucinations of a very mild sort. And I started to panic about a meeting I had to go too. It didn't matter how ill I felt, I had to go to this one. The other participants were males, who I think all knew I was transitioning even though I hadn't told them. They knew the male presenting me, and I was going to pieces with worry and self doubt. Do I dress sort of masculine and pretend, do I get my one pair of boy clothes out. Geex my doubts were firing like crazy, and all irrational, I have burnt my bridges, the most stupid thing I could do to shame myself would be turn up looking male (if I could BTW).
In the end I calmed down, put on a very nice skirt and top, did some make up, sexy perfume and went for it.
It was fine. I apologised for being ill and explained that my hearing was affected.
I contributed and felt very happy.
(My hearing was affected but I did hear a 'tough bitch' and an 'Iron Lady' comment passed in private :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:).
So try not to panic, I know it is outside of our control sometimes, but panic doesn't help it just breeds on itself.
I have been working on anxiety as well as trust issues with my psych, and have come to appreciate that it will always be there to a certain extent. Now I can just observe it as if it was something I am carrying that does not have to affect me unless I let it.
Given our trans situation a certain amount of anxiety seems advisable as part of being alert to any threat, but it doesn't always have to be noticeable. It is now reduced to the point that it is like being aware I am wearing a comfortable pair of slippers.
"Tough Bitch" and "Iron Lady?" That sounds good Cindy, keep the men firmly under your thumb!
I loved Maggie. Until she went mad! :laugh:
Karen.
Social Anxiety was a deal breaker for me when considering it would not be compatible with transitioning. Accepting the second meant overcoming the first.
Fixing a few daily annoyances of social anxiety was easy enough, but I still need to work on the parts that relate to interacting with people. But at least I have managed to reduce my levels of anxiety sweating, which made my life impossible. Yet, I don't have enough confidence to leave home in girl mode until HRT changes and FFS are made. Too self-conscious.
I had the opposite. Before transition, no matter where I was I felt out of place. After I started presenting female, even when I did it awfully and even when I was nervous I still felt like I belonged, no matter where I was. I was able to talk to people and feel normal. Though it was new and different and though I had times when I was nervous or scared there was a sense of rightness that pervaded over all.
At least you felt female inside. I wish I could shout "I want to be a girl", but...
I want to change and be accepted by people, but I can't accept myself...
Quote from: Noey Noonesson on September 09, 2012, 10:58:05 AM
I had the opposite. Before transition, no matter where I was I felt out of place. After I started presenting female, even when I did it awfully and even when I was nervous I still felt like I belonged, no matter where I was. I was able to talk to people and feel normal. Though it was new and different and though I had times when I was nervous or scared there was a sense of rightness that pervaded over all.
Exactly my experience. I was scared the first time I went out the door, but I didn't care - it had been so long, and my inner me was so deprived, that I literally didn't care if I died in the first half hour - at least I would live and present as me for half an hour.
And that was before hormones, before makeup, still bald as a pinata's behind, but I gave myself permission anyways. I cried with gratitude all the way home from the crowded store, not because I passed, but because it didn't matter. But I mattered. And I could present as female if I wanted to, and I do. It wasn't ideal, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't easy, but it was me. And I could present as female clearly enough that people could see that I was presenting as female, that this is who I feel to be.
If you have social anxiety, you can do many things:
(1) Practice your presentation (mannerisms, make-up, speech, etc...) - this preparation can be done before presenting as the other gender if you have time
(2) Ensure that you have maximum feminization from HRT before presenting as a woman
(3) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which is to undermine the preconceptions of your fears & ultimately, change the way you think
Perhaps, all these go together. These are positive actions you can take towards reducing your social anxiety. Then again, many women transitioned w/o doing everything above so it really depends on your situation & what you need.
Quote from: MadelineB on September 09, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
not because I passed, but because it didn't matter. But I mattered.
^ Amen to the above quote.
I am sure that if I could go back in time I would embarrass myself, transition can be a really awkward time but it is so awesome when it is the right thing to do.
In the beginning when i first started to dress as a woman i feared that I would get beaten and humiliated. I took other routes to the store just to not meet a lot of people. So I think it's something we all go through in our transition.
Quote from: alice89 on September 08, 2012, 06:51:27 PM
Has anyone experience this? Before my transition. I was awesome in public...now I am scared half to death. I get so nervous and hot. Its getting to the point I want to run to my car and cry. I started seeing a therapist again so we will see how that goes. I try to not let it bother me but nothing seems to help. I have good days and bad days...
Yep, ! thats pretty much the same as me too, I kind of got hot, and even panic strikes. I think its pretty understandable, as you have all kinds of paranoid thoughts that go through your mind, which most of the time, really are in our own minds. Not unless you can actually read peoples minds ! - remember if some one is talking about you, and don't really know what they are saying, it doesn't necessarily mean that its some thing bad, so if people look at you, for any reason, just imagine that it could be for any amount of reasons.
To be honest end of the day it comes down to confidence, and being able to show your confident as a person, not just your gender.
<3
I thought transition would make me more open and gregarious, but actually, it has had the opposite affect of making me less liely to get nvolved in conversations with strangers.
When I first started presenting i was very nervous to go out and was constantly thinking about whether I was passing or not (and looking back, i'm sure i wasn't!), but in the end I was so used to doing it after a few months that didn't really care too much about it. I had to learn to travel on buses (I can't drive) and this kind of helped, I also switched over very quickly to buying women's clothes when wearing women's clothes. But even back then I tended to avoid contact with young Australian men who i didn't know. That was actually a hangover from my days of presenting as male. There was something I just couldn't handle about large groups of those men either, I used to cross the street to avoid them.
Almost a year after going full-time i have noticed is that I used to just strike up a chat with anyone, even on a bus. This was especially the case on long trips on an aeroplane or coach, but now I tend not to do it, and just keep to myself instead. i'd rather not talk to someone and pass quietly than give myself away by getting into a conversation. I particularly try to avoid talking to men nowadays, unless introduced, and I definitely avoid shop counters with men serving on them.
Recently I've become nervous about going to bars and my nervousness about going to nightclubs has never really diminished from what it was before transition. The nervousness about going to bars has something to do with being known in those places during my earlier days of transition. I would rather hide away than hang around groups of semi-strangers who know my past.
I feel like staying at home a lot more than I did in my coming out days. I suppose being in a relationship has also made it more tempting to spend time at home too....
Not long after I moved here I did something that seems a little extreme, but it seemed like a good idea, and actually did help me towards a degree of self acceptance.
I went up to the top of Mt Wellington overlooking Hobart, walked out onto the lookout platform, and when there was no-one else around, shouted at the top of my voice, " I am a transsexual woman and a Lesbian! And if you don't like it, too bad!"
It felt good, even when I realised there were 2 women coming down the path behind me. I think they might have been dykes,as they just smiled as I walked past them. I wasn't anxious in the least either.
Karen.
Getting over the anxiety is really all about getting your butt out there and exposing yourself to everyday life. The trick is to push oneself a little further along each day. It was my philosophy that every day I would do something that I was a little scared of or otherwise made me feel uncomfortable. What really did it for me was working in a adult store (toys, movies, fetish wear etc.) the first year of my transition. On a daily basis I dealt with hostile junkies, drunks , shoplifters and all other kinds of weirdos. Within a year I was practically bulletproof.
Quote from: MariaMx on September 10, 2012, 09:49:00 AM
Getting over the anxiety is really all about getting your butt out there and exposing yourself to everyday life. The trick is to push oneself a little further along each day. It was my philosophy that every day I would do something that I was a little scared of or otherwise made me feel uncomfortable. What really did it for me was working in a adult store (toys, movies, fetish wear etc.) the first year of my transition. On a daily basis I dealt with hostile junkies, drunks , shoplifters and all other kinds of weirdos. Within a year I was practically bulletproof.
this ---^
In top of that I suggest carrying pepper spray in your purse or bag. Unless your state allows tasers which are even better.
I personally have not gotten to that level, not because I cant but because I still need to come clean with my parents beforehand. Thats my only block, and it has been since day 1.
Going out as a woman is so much fun though, its really a beautiful feeling. One you will unlikely never forget, especially if you go out at night to a dark place no one will notice your imperfections or care to even look. In fact those that complain about their looks the most are usually the ones being hit on the entire time.
Another option is to dress closer to a butch, boy clothes with a little makeup and feminine routine. Hormones alone will any many people see you as a butch anyway if your trying to present as a man...
I don't look at HRT as some sort of magic bullet, but from everything I've read there is a good chance it will improve my general baseline state so that when social anxiety inevitably strikes I can handle it better.
Quote from: Violet Bloom on September 10, 2012, 02:44:53 PM
I don't look at HRT as some sort of magic bullet, but from everything I've read there is a good chance it will improve my general baseline state so that when social anxiety inevitably strikes I can handle it better.
It's hard to say exactly how much of a difference it made as I never presented as female before hrt but my impression was that I felt more right presenting as female even though I didn't yet pass. It is probably a chicken and egg situation.
Quote from: MariaMx on September 10, 2012, 03:00:37 PM
It is probably a chicken and egg situation.
I just used that phrase in another thread. Were you reading it or are we psychically linked?
Quote from: Violet Bloom on September 10, 2012, 03:36:12 PM
I just used that phrase in another thread. Were you reading it or are we psychically linked?
Hmm, that's interesting, although it's probably just a coincidence. I am however more likely to use those words in a conversation with you than with others.
When I first transitioned I had some anxiety but not much.
As time went on the anxiety came from "I've gone so long without being clocked, I hope I'm not clocked!"
And that's turned into anxiety that is only with me when I'm around people that know, that don't give a crap if they slip up with the pronouns or not. I hate school because, while I'm not harassed about it, they all know I'm trans and they do not care to get the pronouns right... so I've simply closed up and quit talking.
But outside of school... meh. Not bothered at all. Random stranger women approach me with small talk for no reason and I just go along with it. Random stranger men don't really talk to me ... and when they do they give me that tone of voice that men get when talking to a 20-30 year old woman. Men I get some anxiety with because I'm worried they'll start flirting with me etc etc... but it's not enough that it shows. I come off as one of those head up, strong women (even though I'm very insecure with some things) and honestly, I am never disrespected, even when they find out.
From my experience, you just have to get out there and live your life day to day until you realize that when it comes down to it... day to day life is just as ordinary as a girl as it is for a guy. Once you get out enough and live without any uncomfortable incidents happening to you, that anxiety melts away!
I see many too many trans people who are suffering from S.A.D or are simply socially awkward pre-transition thinking that they will go from introvert to extrovert and become outgoing, confident and popular all of a sudden but it's not gonna happen... Transitioning will exacerbate this and not fix it however in the long run it'll get better.
I've been on HRT for a couple of months, and at least in my case my anxiety and depression have decreased quite a bit- but I'm aware that things could change once I start presenting myself in a more feminine way publicly. For now at least, HRT has helped with my social anxiety problems- but like they say, YMMV.
My problem is I feel like everyone is staring at me and I dont know why or what they are looking or what they are thinking. I than overthink it and become very anxious and nervous.
I never worried about my apperance pre transition. I liked hearing I looked good but I really didnt care.
Quote from: alice89 on September 11, 2012, 08:13:36 PM
My problem is I feel like everyone is staring at me and I dont know why or what they are looking or what they are thinking. I than overthink it and become very anxious and nervous.
Well, you can never really tell what other people are thinking but they might be looking at you wondering why you are looking at them :)
I remember there was a period during the between stage when everyone seemed to be staring at me but it tapered off after a while. Whenever I go out now I get bummed out if guys don't look at me :P
I never thought about it that way. I dont really stare at people. I just notice them looking at me.
I wish I was that way!!
Quote from: MariaMx on September 11, 2012, 08:26:24 PM
I remember there was a period during the between stage when everyone seemed to be staring at me but it tapered off after a while. Whenever I go out now I get bummed out if guys don't look at me :P
I've struggled with social anxiety since long before I ever realized I'm TG. Sometimes it gets so bad that it takes me 20 minute to work up the courage to call someone who is actually expecting me to call because of an irrational fear that I'll be interrupting something important and get the person angry. I hate it. It's one of the issues my therapist has me working on prior to "coming out".
I'm curious to see if the anxiety lessens or worsens after I start RLE. I know I actually feel more relaxed presenting as female around the small circle of friends who are "in the know".
I was becoming anti-social before transition, for a while after starting, I was doing well. But then a couple situations kicked up it up to a very unhealthy level and it took a few years to get past that. I was actually still having issues when I decided to go for it and get a job working with the public. It was nerve racking at first, but then I got used to it and now I do pretty well with other people, especially strangers. I often get into little conversations at stores and such now. I also tend to be really helpful to older people a lot too, whether its helping them find stuff or getting something down for them or whatever. Plus there is always a nice conversation to be had with them as well.
My anxiety actually improved after going FT, even though it was very rushed and a gigantic change.
I used to have anxiety because I felt like a pretender all the time and like nobody wanted to know my real self and let me be myself so a little passing anxiety is not that bad in comparison. It would be worse if I didn't pass though :)
I became rather anti social once I started working. Spent many years just not interacting with people because I didn't really see the point. While I am now only recently starting to transition, the prospect of meeting new people is quite scary. Though for some reason I want to be alot more social now than ever before, so just keep trying to do things. I am super stable if I go with someone and have information about the event. But I basically fall apart before going somewhere if the info is vague and I'm having to meet people there. Its a strange difference but one I am working on.
Anxiety, just like every other thing, can be improved if we work on it. I am and I always was an introvert. Overall I don't know if I've gotten any better, but I haven't gotten any worse either. My work situation during transition really helped in normalizing the situation though and I can easily imagine having developed some social anxiety if it hadn't been for it. Being an introvert is not a problem though. I quiet like being one as it gives me time to observe and think.
There is one piece of advice I rarely hear mentioned though. As with social anxiety most of us have some thing or some habit that we can or should work on. But self improvement is hard because we are creatures of habit and it is easier to leave things the way they are. When we transition however we have a tremendous amount of energy and motivation. This is an excellent opportunity to let some of that excess energy spill over into other areas of our lives that could use some improvement as we are already pushing ourselves through uncomfortable territory. Transition is really about self improvement so make what other issues you may have part of the package. When I started my transition I barely had an income and was up to my neck in unpaid bills and a defaulting student loan, but I worked really really hard and by the time I was all finished had been made manager at my workplace and all my financial skeletons had been cleared out.