I feel like the title of the Nirvana song "I Hate Myself And I Want To Die", i look at my mirror and i see a boy, i hate it...at best a feminine boy. I wrote a poem on my sadness about this and i feel so worthless and powerless to change my unfortunate appearance. I feel so sad and i hate myself so much, i wish i had something to numb this feeling but i have nothing.
And now it's double trouble with the fact that i'm worried about not passing when i move, i just wish one day i would sleep and wake up pretty...i hate this so much, i can't stand the pain, i wish god would be kind and just let me die in my sleep.
damn it, i know no one cares about my problems so...yeah, i really don't know what to say further this is just a rambling of the thoughts in my head and my feelings. I'm ugly, so excuse me like a comedian once said "You are ugly and you have the right to be pissed off".
oh and on a side note i'm 511 if things weren't already bad enough.
If that's your pic, you are beautiful. Now having said that, you have to accept yourself before others will. Just relax, trust in the process....
Me, I'm 6' 0" and look like a skinny Conan the Barbarian with eyeshadow. :D (Well...what can one do? LOL)
*hugs*
Its true, once you start the ball rolling by accepting yourself, everyone else just follows along. Learn to worry less and enjoy more. Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: DonnaTroy on September 20, 2012, 07:32:51 AM
damn it, i know no one cares about my problems so...
Donna, I care.
I know I haven't post much in response. I gave you one post a few months ago. It says pretty much all, so I haven't added to it. But I do care.
Treasure yourself. You're a wonderful and interesting human being.
There is a great danger in maintaining a "victim" attitude... as you seem to have gotten into... I noticed from many of your postings.
Victim-attitude makes one to become a 'justified' Taker, rather than a Giver.
Once people start to get the idea of what is going on - they stop caring, having given enough...
The "no one cares..." is the result.
Try to stop solving your issues by the on-going need for others to help and care, is my best advice.
There is a saying: "One who is not willing to help oneself - can't be helped"
Please do not take this as anything other than also a kind of help... though it is called "tough love".
Love,
Axélle
Tis former 6 footer sure wishes she looked as good you do when I was that young! If I did I would be 40 years into my transition rather than 2-3. BTW back in the day the average height for women was 5'6", younger women my age even less. I towered over most guys in high school.
We all have doubts and fears. When it comes to how we look we are our best critics. We can rip ourselves a new one every time :( If you try to compare yourself to supermodels or celebrities, you are just going to drive yourself into depresion even faster then about every GG can.
My goal for "passing" was very simple. Not being a target of ridicule, or worse. For most of my childhood and teens I was a giant target. The negative self-esteem that resulted from it pretty much derailed my two attempts at transitioning in my early 20's. Now, thanks to a lot of hard work and tears I now realize I do pass and can even be accepted as a woman.
Oh, on a side note. I am getting closer to my "Goal Height" of 5'4". I am an inch shorter now. At this rate when I am 240 I might be there :P
We all care hun :) Heck 6'2 here and I am fat :O you look gorgeous :) We all care though, it's true.
Donna,
I will try once more.
You keep trying to find ways to reject yourself rather than finding ways to accept yourself.
You have so many advantages on most MtF that many cannot begin to comprehend your problem.
You look totally feminine. You complain that you don't. Why?
You complain that you are miserable. Why?
You complain. Why?
Why not look at the positives and move forward. Why not look for solutions rather than complaints? Why not live and enjoy rather than live and be miserable?
The answers are with you.
The answers are with you alone. There are so many people who have given, do give and are getting fed up giving you advice. Why not take it?
LIVE.
Tell me what are you going to do tomorrow that is fun. Make ONE thing special. TELL US. I don't care what it is. Concentrate and tell us what tomorrow you will try to enjoy. Tell us in detail. What are you going to do? Why? Why is it fun? How are you going about it? Step by Step.
Come on Donna, you can do this.
Cindy
i agree with axelle!
5'11? One of my colleagues from work has that height. She is taller than me, has the same brow ridge as I have and the same manly forehead. Except for the italian nose, gigantic teeth and a skin problem, she looks quite close to me. And you know how much I hate myself. But she seems happy. Even she makes me think that I don't need as much FFS as I believe.
So, you look better than a lot of genetic females (look at me in the "could I pass" if you want to have a good laugh), the rest, only you can can fix it. No one cared about my problems... not even me. One day, I had to start changing.
God? Nah, that guy has not worked ever since the cosmos was created as a result of explosive diarrhea. Only we control our destinies.
to Axélle, i think you misunderstood a little i know it's my fault a little because i wasn't very specific but when i said "No One Cares" i meant my home situation rather than here, i honestly have poor memory so i forgot what i wrote in the past but i do remember this
majority of my newer posts here i have always said that i find this part of the forum as a place for me to vent, i do not expect anyone to give me advice (i appreciate it very much though so thanks everyone), i don't expect sympathy either.
I don't have a journal, online or in real life, i don't have a blog, i don't even have a facebook/myspace/twitter thing...so i use this to express my feelings when no one will listen to me in real life.
NOW
Quote
You look totally feminine. You complain that you don't. Why?
You complain that you are miserable. Why?
You complain. Why?
Honestly, no one understands me *i feel* and i have bad depression which can make me a little crazy at times.
QuoteTell me what are you going to do tomorrow that is fun. Make ONE thing special. TELL US. I don't care what it is. Concentrate and tell us what tomorrow you will try to enjoy. Tell us in detail. What are you going to do? Why? Why is it fun? How are you going about it? Step by Step.
I am late with this reply but the next day after you wrote this, i decided to wear make up even though i wasn't going out, just to make myself feel pretty...i looked in my opinion pretty and i hope my eyes didn't play tricks with me and i had fun.
I hope you're proud of me, it'll be nice for once for someone to be proud of me :).
Edit - I think that's the longest post i've ever made LOL.
And don't forget:
Gender counselor
Antidepressant medication if you are chronically depressed. (It could be a neurochemical thing.)
Can't make new friends/family if you stay in the house.
And it really does get better. That's not just a cliche'.
Robyn
Quote from: DonnaTroy on September 24, 2012, 10:02:44 AM
to Axélle, i think you misunderstood a little i know it's my fault a little because i wasn't very specific but when i said "No One Cares" i meant my home situation rather than here, i honestly have poor memory so i forgot what i wrote in the past but i do remember this
majority of my newer posts here i have always said that i find this part of the forum as a place for me to vent, i do not expect anyone to give me advice (i appreciate it very much though so thanks everyone), i don't expect sympathy either.
I don't have a journal, online or in real life, i don't have a blog, i don't even have a facebook/myspace/twitter thing...so i use this to express my feelings when no one will listen to me in real life.
NOW
Honestly, no one understands me *i feel* and i have bad depression which can make me a little crazy at times.
I am late with this reply but the next day after you wrote this, i decided to wear make up even though i wasn't going out, just to make myself feel pretty...i looked in my opinion pretty and i hope my eyes didn't play tricks with me and i had fun.
I hope you're proud of me, it'll be nice for once for someone to be proud of me :).
Edit - I think that's the longest post i've ever made LOL.
That is good Donna,
We have to keep trying and I am proud of you. It makes you feel good to put a bit of make up and feel good. It cheers a girl up. You don't have to be going out to feel good. Sometimes sitting in front of the mirror and trying some different looks is good fun. We all experiment to make ourselves look cute.
So use that step to build on. What is another thing you can try?
Hugs
Cindy
Donna, as its been stated here by others, I honestly believe that you will pass when you come to San Francisco. I know it's tough to have parents not understand you or care about you, believe me.
You know from the conversations that we had that I believe you are a beautiful woman. Everyone here says that and they truly believe it. If others don't accept you for who you are, it's best to say "Screw them".
Cindy and Abracadabra have been saying the truth all along. You need to look into you and find the beauty. The post about you putting on the makeup and seeing in the mirror that you were beautiful is a fantastic start. Just keep on thinking of you doing that and you'll be ready for primetime. As a friend, listen to them. They've been in your shoes before and know much more than I will ever know. I still think you're a wonderful woman and I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm jealous at anyone from USA, UK or any other "real" country. Imagine yourself in my position - stuck in the middle of nowhere, alone, without friends, job of future. 20 years ago a war screwed up pretty much everything, the rest of stuff was ruined by corrupted and incompetent goverment, democracy is just a myth, unemployment is getting worse and worse... What you should do? Yes, here NO ONE cares. And I hate it all, including myself.
One thing I try not to take for granted is being born in the UK, although there are many that have had 'enough' here and are migrating elsewhere! Good luck, I say. If you live in Europe, there are possibilities of becoming a migrant worker.
Kimmy, I'm sorry I left out of here for so long. I miss you. :'(
A lot of these posters have no idea that because you are a U.S. National living in Singapore, you have very limited options (at best, but more like no options) available to you for transition to get past the dysphoria and start living well.
I wish this world was smaller, cause I'd come see you every week.
I feel the same way :-\
No matter what people say I still see this weird facial arrangement in the mirror that is not a guy but not a girl... just a weird alien thing. Not natural and not pretty. :(
Learn to love yourself.. I'm honestly not sure how or when it happened for me, but since it did I've been much happier with myself. I look in the mirror and no longer see the man I once was, I see the woman I am and always have been.