Okay, well.. life just isn't fair. For those of you who haven't read anything of my story, my love came out recently as trans (mtf). I think it is a completely wonderful thing. I'm so happy that he was able to come out with this to me and to his family and that we are going to be making this awesome journey together. The only problem with the whole thing is telling the rest of the world. He doesn't care who knows, he's already started sessions with a therapist, and he told me that I could tell my co-workers and 'friends'... I just don't know whether I should tell them or not though. By not telling them, I feel like I'm treating this subject as if it is a secret that I should be ashamed of, which is not at all near the truth.. however, everyone of my co-workers (except one exceptional woman) is a gay-bashing, gender policing, bigot.
I work at a veterinary clinic and even when I bring in my dog, Jeffrey, to work and he is wearing a pink collar, they bitch at me for it. Really, they are that bad. They tell me that they don't believe in being gay and such and trans people, in their words 'are seriously messed up'. Obviously, I don't feel comfortable telling them that my love wants to transition and that we will be happily living in a lesbian relationship. But again, I feel like by not telling them I'm acting ashamed of it. Being around these people everyday is incredibly depressing and I'm really unsure of what to do.
Also, since my loves father has been made aware of what is going on, he has been a total ass. He is incredibly condescending, he tries to embarrass my boo out of wanting to do this- by asking him questions of an incredibly graphic nature... he belittles the way he feels... god it just makes me sick. He tells him that no matter what he does, he'll always be a 'man'.. he also tells him that he will never be able to find a job because nobody wants to deal with a freak show (he is an incredibly intelligent computer engineering major... and he will be so beautiful...). God, it just brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. These people just don't/can't understand. Ugh! For my love, I know how this bothers him, but geeze. It really bothers me to see him going through this. I don't know how to handle all this hatred from the people around me...
Hi Muffinpants!
I'm married to a wonderful genetic woman who wasn't as accepting as you are initially but we managed to muddle through it starting from about 1995-96 as I recall. So your Boo is one of the luckier ones. You're just going to have to take it one day at a time with your coworkers, and I wouldn't tell them anything at this time because they are going to make your life at work difficult and sadly, there is nothing about them that you can change. They can just find out incrementally as time goes by and your sweetheart's transition begins to become more outwardly evident. Meanwhile, we all go through a rather goofy, giddy phase initially, especially when we begin HRT. I know the thrill and exuberance can be overwhelming, but it would be smart to encourage her to cool her jets a bit and let the evidence of her transition as it unfolds become an opportunity to share her plans with others, because not everyone will be as thrilled as she is and she won't need to deal with a cloud of negativity to set her into a depression.
I agree with Shantel. I am not ashamed in the least about being trans. But, due to the environment I work in I have not told anyone in fear of retribution. I think it is great you support you partner so much, and truly believe she is one of the lucky ones. However, there is a lot of hate in this world, and you will be facing it too. It can be quite painful at times, but the fact you are with her during this, and she with you will help both of you to get through this. I don't think that not telling your coworkers will cause her to believe you are ashamed, especially if you inform her that the reason you are not telling them at this time is because they will make your work life miserable. She will probably understand that.
Muffin:
First off, thank you! Truly, spousal approval is so very important. Actually, nine out of ten marriages fail because one of the spouses transition. It is truly refreshing to see you not only accepting, but enthusiastic!
Now the difficult part,the rest of the world.
You can choose to tell whoever you wish, whenever you wish. Or not at all, if you choose, it really is up to you. However, sooner or later her transition will become public knowledge. She will not be able, or want to, hide her changing body and she will have to learn how to carry herself as a woman in society. You can either be ahead of the inevitable confrontation with your bigoted co-workers by telling them, or get blind-sided someday when they confront you. If you do it, you have the advantage of setting the time and situation where you do it. Also their bigoted talk may break down when they are shown a happy and well adjusted couple.
Also, depending on where you work, you may also have to use the stick of harassment on them and complain to management. Be sure to make management aware of the situation before you open up to your co-workers.
Her father is another matter. When we transition, we have to make the decision that we are going to live our lives our way, for us. Not for someone else. And everyone can come with or be left behind. If your boo starts to get depressed because of her fathers' demeaning manner, she may just have to walk away. Occasionally though, even the most die-hard naysayers come around, given time, and seeing that the person who transitions is happier than they've ever been and it becomes clear that no amount of dissing will cause them to go back.
It sounds like both you and her are in the early stages of transition. I hope her therapist has given her the information she will need so that she can prepare herself for her journey. So many things to take care of! If not, there is always plenty of advice from your friends here.
There will be disappointments in this journey, you will not be able to avoid that. But by not dwelling on the negatives, you will find that the potholes are few and the adventure is great!
Buckle up! It's going to be quite a ride!
-Sandy
I wouldn't think of not telling your coworkers of your Loves transition as being "ashamed" of it anymore than not bringing up in conversation that you had diabetes for example. Its just not something that gets brought up in normal conversation, especially as your post leads me to believe that the two of you are not all that close with them anyways. If you are close with "(except one exceptional woman)" then maybe talking with her privately is an avenue that you may look into?
As for the rest of your coworkers.... Are you tired of their derogatory comments towards LBGT individuals? If so maybe speak up about it the next time they start ranting. No need to make the big reveal (unless you want to) but something as simple as "Hey, that's offensive to me, Someone I know and care for falls under that umbrella and it is upsetting to hear them talked about in that manner. could you please refrain from speaking such ways in my presence?" No need to be specific (again, unless you want to) but letting them know that hearing them talk that way bothers you should be enough to make them stop.
Not everyone will be as loving and accepting as you are unfortunately, I have found that the best insulation from hateful, closed minded, or mean spirited people is to be surrounded by a great group of friends who are open, energetic, fun loving and loving. When you have that as a support system, it sure makes it harder to bring you down and keep you down.
I want to thank you muffinpants for being so open, awesome, caring, supportive and loving to your Love. It is a truly wonderful thing to see. It gives me great hope for the human race growing forward. And its nice to know that there are accepting people like you out there! I can only hope to be as lucky as your Love is and find one.
Sorry i cannot offer help on the parental side of things. Im not there myself yet.
Thank you all for your replies, they've really made me feel a lot better! It is nice to know that the world isn't completely filled with hateful people. Yes, we are in the early stages. Some days are just harder than others... for me today has been the hardest so far.. though I'm sure there are worse to come. I know it will be worth it in the end <3
Whew, and I'm glad I can always come here to vent or look for some sort of support. Thanks again!!