So, I'm a gay transman. I'm 20, never dated, never been kissed etc etc and all this is making me feel terrible. I don't even have friends, but that's another thing. I have tried chatting with some guys, some of which tell me that we could meet but when I tell them I'm trans, they don't talk to me anymore. I was wondering if someone can give me some tips?
I'd make friends, first. Don't feel bad about being single and having never been kissed, it's not a bad thing at all. I dunno where you are in your transition, but a lot of gay cis men will be put off by a trans man, especially one who is "pre" everything - hormones, surgery, etc. Some might even be uncomfortable with a guy who's had bottom surgery. It happens, don't be discouraged. Everyone has boundaries and preferences, and that's okay.
There are men out there who will find you attractive and want to date you for you, it just takes time to find them. For the time being, why not build a nice little network of friends to hang out with and get to know better? Take it slow and easy and enjoy the experience of meeting new people. If you happen to start something with someone, just go at a comfortable pace. You don't have to disclose to everyone, hell, I kind of shy away from disclosing if I don't think the relationship is going to go anywhere physically. Do what feels right.
Hi there,
It could be easier to meet some trans friendly gays online? One option is trying OkCupid - there seems to be a big amount of trans and queer people even if the page itself isn't trans-oriented at all. It takes a while to start finding them, though. Another good one is Qruiser, a big queer online dating page, though most people there are from Northern Europe. And I've heard of some trans-oriented online dating pages, too.
I'd love to meet some trans-friendly gay men, too, but since I'm still in the awkward "dunno what gender I am" -phase, I'm just saying I'm a queer female right now and mostly talk with girls. :P
Thanks for the advice people!
Friends:I have tried making friends but they either have a couple of conversations and then they stop talking to me or else tell me that they're fine with being trans and then after months tell me I'm not a guy cause I I don't have a dick.
Dating sites: That's from where people say they want to meet me until I say I'm trans.I had this guy from Tumblr who came first,said he was ok with me being trans left after 5 days and said he was just horny when he said he loves me
seams your been pretty unlucky in your types.
Do you have any comunety for transfolks in your area? maybe you could get some transfriends, so you wouldnt have to worry about those ignorant comments and bad comming out experience,
also they could introduce you to some of there friends.
I tend to be rather nervous at times because I also had bad experience with certain folks not accepting me, but usunally if some of my trans friends introduce me to some cisgenders I feel more claim cause I got the "if they accept him they will also accept me" way of thinking.
I think as well friends is more important, it would also be more easy finding someone if you have friends.
No community for trans folks in the whole country - I live in Malta. I guess that I'm really unlucky.
Quote from: deejayk on October 14, 2012, 01:50:50 PM
No community for trans folks in the whole country - I live in Malta. I guess that I'm really unlucky.
What about ULGBTS?
no help there?
//scratches head What is ULGBTS? Sorry I'm dumb
Quote from: deejayk on October 14, 2012, 02:26:23 PM
//scratches head What is ULGBTS? Sorry I'm dumb
universaty of malta GLBT sociaty, something I just found
http://ulgbts.tripod.com/index.html (http://ulgbts.tripod.com/index.html)
Ah, it's called "We Are" now. I am not a University student but went to one of their meetings. Very small group, no trans folk save me and mostly lesbians. Felt extremely powerless and hopeless after meeting and went home crying for some reason.
i'm sorry about that.
But keep trying, maybe you will get luck as said try focus on the friend thing first, its manly more easy to get friend than to get a lover.
Quote from: Natkat on October 14, 2012, 03:22:09 PM
i'm sorry about that.
But keep trying, maybe you will get luck as said try focus on the friend thing first, its manly more easy to get friend than to get a lover.
^^^^^ that is incredibly true!
I have a few friends that are transmen dating drag queens. I don't know if that would be something you'd be into, but most people in the drag community that I've met seem open to dating people on a wide spectrum of gender.
As long as the person doesn't identify as female, I would date him. But then I am afraid of going to clubs. Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.
Quote from: deejayk on October 15, 2012, 12:24:48 AM
I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.
O M G
Yeah OMG. Totally out of topic but I have been receiving online for quite a while.
I posted this in the "What did you dream about" thread but maybe it belongs here too. Just a peak into the insecurities that abound from my subconscious mind.
Quote from: dalebert on October 14, 2012, 12:53:29 PM
I was visiting old friends in Atlanta. I think I was at Gaylaxicon (http://www.gaylacticnetwork.org/). A bunch of guys were suddenly getting frisky and hooking up for sex. (This is not how it goes, btw! I mean, it's not quite THAT crazy, hehe) Anyway, this guy comes up to me who looks exactly like Cillian Murphy (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0614165/), though I don't recognize him as such in the dream. He looked familiar, like I had met him previously, and I found him attractive, so he's not a complete stranger to me. I remember thinking that I hope this isn't just a one-time thing and that he'll want to date afterward, but I realize it doesn't seem very likely from the situation and that makes me kind of sad. We immediately start getting undressed and are feeling each other up and he has an AMAZING body, very lean and fit. Then he drops his pants and I realize he's trans. This doesn't matter to me but I get the feeling that he is trying really hard to act super-confident and it's almost like he's testing me to see how I'll react and I'm really worried about reacting the wrong way and upsetting him and I definitely don't want to stop what we're doing. He appears to have had some minor bottom surgery, just enough to change aesthetics a little. I try to just carry on and not make an issue of any of this but he seems to suddenly lose interest and gets up and leaves like I failed whatever test he was doing. I tried to find him again later in the dream to talk to him but I didn't see him again.
Quote from: deejayk on October 15, 2012, 12:24:48 AM
As long as the person doesn't identify as female, I would date him. But then I am afraid of going to clubs. Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.
Being told to commit suicide is bulls$%t. No one should have to deal with that crap in their life.
As far as I know, the queens in the relationships are just fluid in their genders. One couple is actually expecting a baby girl in the next week or so. I live in a very interesting city :P
Quote from: deejayk on October 15, 2012, 12:24:48 AM
Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.
urgh.. that's horrible. quit dating sites and join a community where people share at least one of the same interests as you, apart from dating. reject people who hit on you just because they're desperate (without telling you're trans), and focus on getting friends who'll give you some self confidence. if you manage to connect on a friendly level, they might just accept you as trans too
I identify as a gay transman as well. I just started T last Monday, so today was my second shot. I'm unable to bind due to chest size and my weight overall (though I'm working at losing weight now). It'll be several years before I can save up enough for chest surgery, so that upsets me.
Personally, I don't date or have sex because of not having the chest surgery done and not having had time for T to do it's thing. Mentally, it would be too difficult for me to think about my chest and date, no matter how much T changed me otherwise. I'm going to be 25 in a month and I've never dated anyone because I knew that it would make me more depressed. It makes me feel stuck, but until I get chest surgery I won't date because I know it will only increase the uneasiness with my breasts.
Maybe you're in a different situation, but to me I get really uncomfortable with how I look on the outside ("female"-wise at least) vs what I want to do about it. To me it's always been lack of insurance and/or needing $$, so it will take a while before I date.
James
I'm 11 weeks on T, still pre-op, but I never had/have excessive dysphoria. My chest ain't big and it doesn't bother me much. I don't bind because of health concerns. But I think I'm confident enough to start dating. All I need is someone to accept me the way I accept myself. I am a person who loves being with people but people hate being with me. Being alone makes me feel depressed - me being trans never gave me so much trouble as being alone does.
First and foremost, please don't even visit any of those sites where people are telling you to commit suicide - this is cyberbullying and not only are the bullies trying to upset you, they're also breaking the law. If you're getting abuse on a Social Network, you can help yourself by reporting the abusers and changing your account. For example, on Facebook you can max out your privacy settings and only allow people you trust to 'friend' you, or on Twitter you can block users or protect your tweets. If you think the police might be helpful, try contacting The Malta Cybercrime Unit. You don't need bullies adding to your stress so please protect yourself as much as possible.
Now on to your question. It's a sad fact that quite a few gay men aren't comfortable with the idea of dating a trans man - but then again, some are perfectly fine with it and many don't realise how fine they really are with it until they try it. I see that Malta's gay scene is described as 'small but thriving', so from a small scene, you're trying to find the even smaller number of gay men who have no problems with you being trans. Under those circumstances, I agree with other posters that your best bet would be to befriend men and go on a date or two before revealing your trans status.
A (cis) gay friend of mine is Namibian - he comes from a tiny little desert town where he was quite literally 'the only gay in the village'. So not only was he very limited in his choices for a potential partner, but homosexuality is illegal in Namibia and he would've faced government-mandated arrest, harassment and persecution. He had no choice but to leave his home country so that he could find happiness. He's now happily married & living in London, but that wouldn't have been possible in Namibia.
His chances of success improved when he tried fishing from a larger pool. ;)
FTMDiaries, thanks so much for your very kind advice. I get a ton of anon hate on Tumblr and it's always the same people who don't know me. Long story short they're friends of a girl who wanted me as her bf but went nuts when this guy who left after 5 days started talking to me. I'm on my 3rd account but I'm foolish for always trying to be her friend because she said she missed me.
Moving to another country is a dream I'll try to make a reality.
You're welcome. :)
And there's the answer to your hatemail problems: if they're all connected to that one girl, avoid her like the plague and block her from your Tumblr. She's not your friend if (as you seem to suspect) she's encouraging her friends to treat you like that.
Presuming these comments are being posted on your own Tumblr, you can then block the anonymous messages - if you click 'Block' on a specific anonymous message, it will permanently block the sender's account, IP address and computer from sending any more messages. Sure, they could always try an Internet cafe or such, but there are only so many times someone will go to that kind of trouble before they get sick & tired of it and find somebody else to torment.
Good luck, and remember: you're way better than those losers.
I guess jealousy did play a part because she told me that I was the only person who treated her that well and the guy would be lucky to have me. Then she exploded and said that I treated her like s.... Her friends' hate messages are idiotic though like "I don't know you but I hate you". Didn't know that the block thing blocks the IP. I will do that if it happens again. Latest one I got was a few days ago when I was for a holiday abroad. So much for a 13/14 year old heh
I am a gay transman as well. I will tell you my experience. In person I mostly had one night stands with men as a female, but I was not the type to get into relationships. Never have been. Once I realized I was trans, most of my relationships began online (this was a time where the internet was my life, still is). I usually told people upfront that I am transgender, the ones that didn't mind are the only ones who mattered. Every girlfriend I've had was cis and either straight or bisexual, or some other form of sexuality, whatever. I even got involved with a girl who was for the most part a lesbian but we were such good friends she actually was attracted to me, which was flattering. Though, I will be frank: I like cis girls sexually but for the most part am not attracted to them romantically. They are very few and far between. Anyway. Because you are homosexual I will go into that. Dating wise, I am mainly strictly attracted to men. I luckily caught a cis man (the love of my life, I plan on proposing next month) who loved me first, and told me of his crush. He knew I was trans, we spoke on Skype most days but we had a few meet ups in person, but he was also polysexual (or pansexual, if you would). He is very attracted to androgyny, so I really hit the jackpot here on days where I feel more feminine. He treats me like a man but he loves my lady parts too, it's really the best of both worlds because I love everything about him. He actually jokingly said he will miss my breasts when I get them removed. He's so supportive through my experience, I really am blessed.
What my advice is, is that if a man is not interested in you even if you are trans, he is not worth your time. The best bet you can get is find a cis man who is not strictly homosexual. If he is pansexual or bisexual, or especially if he is just attracted to transmen. I know it sounds hard but there are people like that out there, you need someone who can accept your body and mind. My boyfriend is one of those people and I hope you find someone like that for you.
Quote from: deejayk on October 15, 2012, 09:22:06 PM
But I think I'm confident enough to start dating. All I need is someone to accept me the way I accept myself.
That's true, and people like that exist out there, ones that will accept and love you. Don't give up. I know it's not face to face, but you'll find support here. I'm also a gay transman and can feel where you're coming from. I'm fortunate enough to have met my person who loves and understands me, I'm sure you will too.