someone explain to me why a guy would ever want to be with a ->-bleeped-<- transsexual? i mean with the exception of just for sex (which i don't understand either). i don't understand how it is possible for a guy to like a girl like me.
for those girls out there who have boyfriends... when you told them you used to be a boy, do they just say "i don't mind"? i don't understand, but maybe that's what i need to let go of? trying to understand things? like i feel guilty as F trying to get to know a guy just to tell him i used to be a boy. maybe its because i still just feel like a boy? that i don't accept myself as a girl, so how can i expect a guy to accept me as a girl?
uggh, i'm so sick of life
Quote from: oZma on October 16, 2012, 10:39:15 PM
someone explain to me why a guy would ever want to be with a ->-bleeped-<- transsexual? i mean with the exception of just for sex (which i don't understand either). i don't understand how it is possible for a guy to like a girl like me.
for those girls out there who have boyfriends... when you told them you used to be a boy, do they just say "i don't mind"? i don't understand, but maybe that's what i need to let go of? trying to understand things? like i feel guilty as F trying to get to know a guy just to tell him i used to be a boy. maybe its because i still just feel like a boy? that i don't accept myself as a girl, so how can i expect a guy to accept me as a girl?
uggh, i'm so sick of life
There you go with the identity thing again.
There are men that are capable of seeing more than just your identity as a trans person.
Your trans status is not all that defines you. There is more to love than that.
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 16, 2012, 10:42:55 PM
Your trans status is not all that defines you. There is more to love than that.
This is true.
FWIW, I'm 100% into girls, and it doesn't matter to me one way or the other to me if a girl is cis or trans. There are some guys (also both cis and trans) who wouldn't feel the same way as I do, but we are all different. I honestly believe there are a lot of guys out there who couldn't care less about a woman's history.
Alot of men don't want to date a transsexual , but there are so many guys that don't care post op. Pre-op it depends if a guy is open minded enough to not care and still thinks you as a girl with that issue in front of you. Post op have the same issue its just alot easier on a males sexuality? I guess.
Most of the reason not to want a post-op transwoman is cultural. Pre-op, it makes some sense (we all have a right to be attracted to certain plumbing) -- or if a man wants to have biological children with his wife/girlfriend -- but a lot of guys are honestly past these notions or feel a need to overcome them on principle. I still marvel at these men some times, but I don't think it's terribly hard to understand their positive reception.
I personally have two guy friends who surprised me and are okay with women like us - and not just for a sex. One of the two came around gradually as he spent more time around me, and he's known me since long before I came out. He's my oldest friend, and has expressed attraction to me. There are definitely guys out there who simply have a very fair and well-adjusted world view. I have definitely noticed a correlation between men with a healthy view towards women and men who are okay with trans women. I hate to drop this bomb, but I think a lot of the guys who aren't okay with post-op ladies are prone to objectifying women. Because we don't meet their empty objectifying standards, they turn away from the rest of us.
I recently had a guy fall for me who, when he found out, said it could never be. He still wants to remain close friends with me and he says he feels "deeply ashamed" of the way he feels, but that he can't help himself. He admits it's learned behavior and says that "it's not you who's ***** up [my irl name], it's the rest of us." It still really hurt and made me feel hollow to him, but right after I met a guy who's okay with it even though I've still got the "wrong" parts (and I'm fairly certain I'm not a fetish for him). It's been another step that helped make me feel like accepting men are more common than you would expect, and that the ones who can't dive right in are becoming more comfortable with at least respecting us.
Some guys are open to it but only after learning more about your particular type of womanhood. For starters, when talking to them, I never say "I used to be a boy." What's in my head and what's in my heart were always there. As I mentioned earlier, I've still got my extra bits, but in the future I intend to say something like, "I didn't always have a vagina." A lot of it is in perspective, and most guys still want the impression of a lady regardless of her history. Right now I just say, "I haven't always presented as female"; I think that's probably the most comfortable way I've found to inform men so far.
As MaidofOrleans put so well, there is so much more to you (and any other woman) than trans or not trans. You're a person underneath (or perhaps above) all that and still a woman. Many men want good women that they have fun with and enjoy as people, plain and simple. If you're one of those women, a lot of these men can look past what is truly an empty characteristic. Honestly, I almost like to think of being trans as a screening system for objectifying/insensitive men.
Like you, there are still days where I wonder at my own authenticity as a female and question if I'm really valid for the men I interact with. It happens, I think it's always going to happen to people in our position from time to time -- but when it comes down to it, I really think it's just a self-defense mechanism. It's hard to accept what we are and how people will (likely) always treat us. It's hard to keep it a secret and it's even harder to spill that secret to someone in a gamble for their love. Some times, I think that telling ourselves that none of it is true, that we aren't really valid, feels a lot easier than going through it at all. At least that's how I feel.
I hope this helps somehow and that your feelings pick up a bit!
P.S. I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls herself a "->-bleeped-<-" in self-depreciation and then tries to shamefully (comically?) brush it under the rug.
I don't think it is really like, not minding...
Well, let's be honest, having a p**** is a *pretty* big disadvantage compared to other girls, and of course any typical straight guy is gonna mind that. My bf doesn't like that I'm trans... but that doesn't mean he is gonna dump me for the next thing with 2 x chromosomes that comes walking down the street. Okay, you're pretty much stuck with finding a guy who is really comfortable with his sexuality. But there is more to love than that c:
I think you have to not be in a hurry to find a guy. There is someone out there waiting for you but you're not gonna find him doing speed dates or browsing okcupid or something. You have to find someone that really loves you for you, and loves you so much that being trans is just a thing... not a good thing but a thing worth looking past... so IMO first just get more comfortable being you and putting yourself out there, even if you have to start with baby steps :)
Quote from: oZma on October 16, 2012, 10:39:15 PM
someone explain to me why a guy would ever want to be with a ->-bleeped-<- transsexual? i mean with the exception of just for sex (which i don't understand either). i don't understand how it is possible for a guy to like a girl like me.
for those girls out there who have boyfriends... when you told them you used to be a boy, do they just say "i don't mind"? i don't understand, but maybe that's what i need to let go of? trying to understand things? like i feel guilty as F trying to get to know a guy just to tell him i used to be a boy. maybe its because i still just feel like a boy? that i don't accept myself as a girl, so how can i expect a guy to accept me as a girl?
uggh, i'm so sick of life
oZma, all I can add is that relationships are not all about sex. They happen on an emotional level, on an intellectual level, and perhaps on a spiritual level. It has been my experience that the companionship aspect is the most important part of a loving relationship. Certainly your companion can be your lover, but it would help if s/he was also your friend.
Firstly, I have found that most of the Lesbians around here lose interest in me when they realise my history. If we meet in a structured situation then they have to get to know me, and we can be friends at least.
If I was into guys I guess it would be similar. Still, there are a lot of men who would love to have a partner who really shares their interests and can at least understand them a bit. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out they have trouble coping with the anatomical details. Bisexual guys might be an option, as they would be more comfortable with it.
Karen.
Quote from: oZma on October 16, 2012, 10:39:15 PM
someone explain to me why a guy would ever want to be with a ->-bleeped-<- transsexual? i mean with the exception of just for sex (which i don't understand either). i don't understand how it is possible for a guy to like a girl like me.
Mmmm... My two cents on the matter: Let's imagine I don't have a gender conflict and you you tried to attract me... No matter how gorgeous you are, if you were TG, genetic, a dude, etc... It would not even pay attention. They already tried. But let's suppose I get to meet you, a long and I am captivated by your personality... I would not give a doog poop about the plumbing..
The body and configuration, although it limits the options a lot, is not everything. Personality and connecting may be a bigger factor for building a relationship, to the point of defeating the "not with a ->-bleeped-<-" on some people. To put an example: I have always been alone. In the moment I started to drop my protection shell and show myself friendlier, I started to attract a bit of people. With my EX, everybody ran away from her, even myself. Everybody told her that se had a beautiful body, but... They could not stand her when she entered into depressive move (which was 99% of time). The only girls I know that have zero problems getting a boyfriend are usually the most energetic and confident ones.
I have talked with a few genetic females about how they can be without a boyfriend being that gorgeous and with so many available men, and and the same time say "I need to get laid or I'll get crazy". The answer usually is: "It is not that easy. There is much more than sexual attraction"
If you are looking for a quick sex night, no major attachments... Well, we need to realistic. Being TG the options are extremely limited. Either you are lucky enough to find somebody that is quite OK, or you look for specifically interested partners.
PS: During years I have had to deal with "how come you are single, you should have a different one every night. If I had your body..." Yeah, and if I had your confidence... That also plays a lot on increasing the chances. Going to a pub thinking I will meet somebody, and sit depressed in a corner afraid of being talked to... Whenever I see I nice looking girl I will thing "she probably already has a partner" and "beyond my possibilities",and look back to my drink.
There been many threads on this subject, but its definitely not something you disclose on the first date, you get to know a person over a period of time, I was dating my fiancé, my boyfriend for nearly 18months before I finally tolded him my history, it was a bit of a shock but he excepted me, he only ever knew me as a woman, infact he could never see me as a guy and still finds it hard to believe I was ever anybody else except the woman, the girl, the lady I always have been to him.
I hate that word ''->-bleeped-<-'' its derogatory term and belittling to special girls like us.
Quote from: Rotten Apple on October 17, 2012, 06:09:10 AM
I would not give a dog's poop about the plumbing.
Well most men do, men don't want a woman with a penis, they want a pussy, that was just 1 of the reasons my fiancé was so excepting, I have the right plumbing, I have a pussy, Im 100% all woman, its not everything, but men are slaves to the pussy, its a fact, its a man thing.
Pauline
Quote from: pretty pauline on October 17, 2012, 08:10:05 AM
men are slaves to the pussy, its a fact, its a man thing.
that'd be straight men you're talking about, then, as opposed to the millions of bi men who like both, and the millions of gay men who don't like pussy? :)
since i'm pansexual i have more problems understanding how someone being transsexual would matter at all. personality comes first, then there are physical features i like more or less. and genitals... well, we could work that out if all the rest is right
Quote from: pretty pauline on October 17, 2012, 08:10:05 AM
but men are slaves to the pussy, its a fact, its a man thing.
Pauline
You would not believe the things that even straight men may like... As a gay friend told me ... "Do you think you are really gay or maybe you are just atracted to penises? Because it is far more common than you believe." It is not black and white anymore...
BTW, I'm so glad of being bi. I don't think something like a 100% exists, even with SRS. The only way I would consider saying goodbye to everything down there if it proved to limit my sociial life so much that it would end depressing me.
Quote from: Taka on October 17, 2012, 08:48:50 AM
since i'm pansexual i have more problems understanding how someone being transsexual would matter at all. personality comes first, then there are physical features i like more or less. and genitals... well, we could work that out if all the rest is right
This goes for me too. I know some people care about what is between someones legs, but it just doesn't make sense to me. People are so much more than their genitals.
People who aren't complete retards will recognize and acknowledge what you are NOW, presently in front of them and not what you used to be.
I use the analogy of the junkie. If you go ahead and tell someone that a few years ago you were a crack addict are they only gonna see what you were and treat you like thrash or they are gonna see what is before them?
Still it's more complicated with guys I guess because they are much more insecure in their sexuality...
Quote from: Sybil on October 17, 2012, 02:06:48 AM
P.S. I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls herself a "->-bleeped-<-" in self-depreciation and then tries to shamefully (comically?) brush it under the rug.
made me LOL :)
Quote from: Brooke777 on October 17, 2012, 09:08:02 AM
This goes for me too. I know some people care about what is between someones legs, but it just doesn't make sense to me. People are so much more than their genitals.
Goes for a lot of the stuff people demand in a mate. Looking at dating sites, all the people who only want someone with brown eyes or red hair or long legs, etc. Is that stuff really that important?
Quote from: agfrommd on October 17, 2012, 10:34:07 AM
Goes for a lot of the stuff people demand in a mate. Looking at dating sites, all the people who only want someone with brown eyes or red hair or long legs, etc. Is that stuff really that important?
To me, it is not. Of course there has to be some physical attraction but, that always follows an emotional attraction in my case.
Quote from: Padma on October 17, 2012, 08:14:52 AM
that'd be straight men you're talking about, then, as opposed to the millions of bi men who like both, and the millions of gay men who don't like pussy? :)
Absolutely Padma, my husband is very straight, Im all woman to him, I except gay men don't like pussy lol, btw Padma you look very feminine in your avatar, you look so different and very pretty compare to a while back, very best wishes with your transition, looks its going well for you, its hard work, but the end result is worth it when we are finally excepted as women.
p
i have know guys who dont hold it against me.
Men are attracted to us for a variety of reasons. Say you met a guy who wasn't aware you were trans. You get to know each other, date, have a good time enjoying each others company. After time goes on you make him aware of your history and he accepts you. When you get to know a guy before he's had the chance to judge you solely off you being trans, he get's to know you for YOU and NOT you as a transwomen, which can make things easier.
Sometimes it's best to not wonder so much, unless they have questionable motives in his attractions to you.
Quote from: Giselle on October 17, 2012, 04:59:50 PM
Men are attracted to us for a variety of reasons. Say you met a guy who wasn't aware you were trans. You get to know each other, date, have a good time enjoying each others company. After time goes on you make him aware of your history and he accepts you. When you get to know a guy before he's had the chance to judge you solely off you being trans, he get's to know you for YOU and NOT you as a transwomen, which can make things easier.
Sometimes it's best to not wonder so much, unless they have questionable motives in his attractions to you.
This is actually very dangerous and hardly ever works out. Most men will see this as deception and it could lead to violence.
I would always prefer to be up front with every guy regardless. I wouldn't want anything starting out with a lie even if you don't see it that way, he most likely will.
Quote from: Giselle on October 17, 2012, 04:59:50 PM
Men are attracted to us for a variety of reasons. Say you met a guy who wasn't aware you were trans. You get to know each other, date, have a good time enjoying each others company. After time goes on you make him aware of your history and he accepts you. When you get to know a guy before he's had the chance to judge you solely off you being trans, he get's to know you for YOU and NOT you as a transwomen, which can make things easier.
Thats exactly what happen me, you took the words right out of my mouth, my boyfriend got to know me as a woman, he now knows my history and he is now my husband, being trans is not an issue just a bit of history in my past.
p
Quote from: Padma on October 17, 2012, 08:14:52 AM
that'd be straight men you're talking about, then, as opposed to the millions of bi men who like both, and the millions of gay men who don't like pussy? :)
even gay men can like pussy and straight guys dicks. the world isnt so simple again.
--------------
Speaking of myself I had a couple of transgirls I been interesteed in.
For me the personalety is a very big matter in who im attracted too or not, whatever it a guy or girl,
If a girl looks like a milion but is boring or ignorant then I probabbly wont give her much thoughts.
the type of girls I usunally feel interesteed are some girls with some interesting personalety and experience, maybe a bit nerdy or tomboyish, and if they are wellknown and cool of my trans status sure this also is a great plus. its not nessesarry the popular girl or the girl with the perfect body.
I think many transgirls have this values I am attracted to, I also been told I had this myself for guys who been interesteed in me, bi or gay they have said I had some interesting points and was somehow inspirering for there life, I guess being trans gives you some life experience who make you grow emotionally to be stronger and maybe in some parts more understand?
sociaty usunally just focus on 1 type girl everyone expected to be attractive, the poster girl with perfect body and smile, but realety is we all focus on diffrent points in what girls we are attracted to.
Quote from: Natkat on October 18, 2012, 11:42:10 AM
even gay men can like pussy and straight guys dicks. the world isnt so simple again.
Well sure, that's why I was careful to say "millions of" instead of "all of" :).
I'm a guy, so I'll give my two cents.
Some of us want more than a sex object, more than the stereotype of the "ideal" woman (as if there is such a thing).
I'm glad my wife was up front with her history with me. It showed a trust and faith in me that I found very attractive. But what most attracted me to her was her personality, intellect, humor, etc. I wasn't looking for sex. That said, I had no idea how good sex could be when you have a deep, pretty much spiritual, intimate, connection to someone. It was way more than just physical. For the same reason, I wasn't looking for a trans person either - that would be objectifying and insulting to them in my eyes. Open, yes. Seeking, no.
I would have married my wife no matter what parts she did or didn't have, or whether or not we could have any specific kind of sex. I typically consider myself straight, but I suppose since I'm less interested in parts than person, I could probably be called bi. That said, I have a hard time imagining myself in a gay relationship, and I would have been shocked if I fell in love with someone other than a woman. But I've learned it's probably better to listen to your heart and figure out the label later rather than constrain the heart to a label.
I don't think I'm the only guy like myself by any means, and I'm sure there are better guys than I am. I also believe there are absolute jerks who hate trans people (and, as another poster mentioned, likely women in general). So do be careful. But a good guy will recognize the trust and faith you have in him as a relationship progresses and will cherish that trust and faith. You probably aren't going to find that guy at a loud party where he's trying to impress his friends with how much testosterone he has, since a trans person won't help him convey the image he wants to convey. But he's probably not going to treat women with very much respect either.
Sorry for the rambling post, I hope something in here makes sense or helps.