Hi im new to Susans as im sure you can all tell. I am from Montana and in the search of a little help and guidance. I currently identify as a cross dresser and potentially MTF trans. I have come out to both my Girlfriend and best female friend about my cross dressing and potential transsexuality. My best friend is very supportive of both situations and my girlfriend is chill about the cross dressing but scared about the possibility of me being trans but wants to do her best to help. So the big question is where do I sit at in the spectrum and how do I go about figuring this out? :-\ To help get a better grasp of my situation, I'll give you some back ground information.
At a young age I was very drawn to a little more girly type things. I hated contact sports and tough type stuff. Also horses were a big part of my life both on a personal level and on a family level. I always wanted the bright colored unicorn shirts an pretty horse shirts and often times played with my little pony toys, barbie horses, just anything horses. In retrospect no one thought much of this because of the large part horses played in our family. Fast forward to kindergarten and often times I was the odd boy out and more often than not throughout my grade school career I played with the girls on the play ground a lot and felt right at home.
As time worn on questions and began to form in my mind horse shows especially opened up a new world. Horse shows were a wide open wonderful place for me, full of wonderment. Pretty girls everywhere wearing gorgeous crystal studded form fitting clothes on one of gods most graceful and amazing creatures. There was nothing more pretty to me. I wanted to look like them I wanted to ride like them and get to wear the clothes they wore.. I wanted to be them. I was competitive and very successful at showing but I always felt like the odd duck out, I felt outshined and was jealous and envious of my female counterparts. Finally one day I asked my mom why boys couldn't wear pretty sparkly shirts jewelry an long hair. She was shocked and told me because those things were feminine. To further her confusion I said "So? When do you think boys will get to were them?" She didn't really have an answer really other than "Probably Never."
At age 11 I started crossdressing and the first clothes I tried on were of course my sisters show clothes. I admired myself in the mirror and felt so pretty an next thing I knew i curled up in bed an fell asleep. I awoke several hours later an felt horrified by what I had done an immediately told my mom . She assured me it was just a stage an that it would be ok and that i was just curious but it was good that it scared me, it just showed i was "normal"... But it didn't stop. It kept happening and even though I had guilt afterwards I kept cross dressing. The feeling of being in soft pretty clothes was so wonderful the appearance of a girl despite her rather short hair and boyish face was exciting. My eyes nose an a few other things helped me pull off the girl look despite my hair and chubby face. The want of knowing what it would be like to be a girl was overpowering. The only trouble was the elation was always shattered by guilt in what I had done. It wasn't normal for a boy to dress in girls clothes an want to know what it was like to be a girl this was further enforced when I hit puberty an my body began to change and much to my disappointment I didn't look as pretty anymore. I realized the whole situation was not right I was a guy, guys didn't want to be girls. I tried stopping but it didn't work I always found myself back in the closet trying something on for happiness. Around 15 or 16 I figured out to that it turned me on sexually and I used it as that. I would imagine what it would be like to be a girl and tell myself how pretty I was but the results were always the same guilt confusion an denial afterwards. I didn't have girl parts so why did I keep doing this? After awhile I figured out tucking an was pleased with the look down there and with a little practice I figured out how to get myself excited and soon discovered it felt way better to get excited this way. My skin became more sensitive and even though things always ended the same i discovered i could get higher before the inevitable. I also started having dreams about becoming and being a girl and would often wake up happy with the thought. I always felt there were two parts to me I was fine during the day as a boy but at night my girly side always came out I was so confused and made me wonder what was wrong with me?
Fast forward to now feelings are much the same. I cross dress in private almost daily for short periods depending on what I can get away with. I often sleep in women's clothing 80% of the time. Its not just a turn on thing. I can usually go a few days with no arousal. I just do it cause it makes me feel comfortable, happy and pretty. When I do get aroused I dress up and most often tuck and try to reach that magic feeling and I almost always feel this want of being a girl. Within the past few weeks after coming out to my friend and girl friend, I am starting to accept it more and realize its part of who I am. My feelings of guilt have tapered off, but still exist. Mostly I am just confused. :'( I don't hate my male body with a passion like you often hear people saying but there are quite a few days where I wish I was a girl and want to know what its like and I feel it would be better if I was. I feel discomfortable with my body an unhappy that I am a guy, yet other days Im ok with being a guy. When I'm with my girlfriend I feel guy like but have other not so typical guyish feelings. I feel my two personalities have also started to blend but which one is bigger factor?
Its not a I have to be a girl this is so wrong, the body I am in isn't mine. But I also don't feel comfortable with who I am. If I truly feel I would be more happy as a girl I would like to figure it out so I can start changing while I'm young (I'm 22) both because of better results emotionally and physically and because I don't feel it will be fair to people in my future possible wife/kids to having to deal with a sudden change. I am not completely miserable but at the same time I am not sure if I'm completely happy with who I am physically. I know I need to see a counselor and I have located a gender therapist where I am living but I currently don't have the money to see them, so I thought I would start here first and see what your guys and gals thoughts and opinions were. Hopefully you can help my soul searching a little so when the time does come for counseling I have a little better idea of who I am and where I fit in the spectrum. If I fit more towards just a cross dresser or maybe more towards trans. I know you guys see these scenarios a lot, but your help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
"Brooke"
I am a FTM transgender and have associated as male since childhood but something was always missing like the born males had.
I know of the guilt because I suffered with it for many years. Not because of me and how I felt about me but because of the guilt society, family and friends put on me.
I am not a counselor or anything like that. However, here is my input because of what I went thru in my life.
Once you work thru your own guilt of how you see yourself and want to be, then everything else will come into play.
You have to see you without any guilt involved. Enjoy yourself and who you are and how you see yourself.
If one day you see yourself and enjoy yourself as male then go for it and enjoy.
If the next day or later that night, you enjoy yourself and see yourself or want to be female then go for it and enjoy.
It does not have to be one or the other. It can be both. And as long as you have a good support system around you with friends and a partner, then nothing else matters because they see and love you for you and how you are no matter what.
Just love yourself the same way and allow you to be you without guilt.
Sounds like you have a great support system around you with your girlfriend and friend. Hold onto that
Ok, I actually read the whole thing. :)
Anywho, I feel that you don't need to feel guilty for not hating your male body with a passion. I for one don't, but I feel that I can't truly act as myself unless I am a female in society. The bottom line is that everyone has their own particular reasons for doing anything and you shouldn't feel guilty because your reasons don't match theirs.
I do, however, want to say that if you are happy being a guy with the occasional cross-dressing, don't transition. It isn't easy and should only be done as a last resort. I for one cannot live my life as a guy, so I need to transition. Don't take the ability to be happy with yourself for granted.
Thank you both for your wonderful insight. Stealthy I will do my best to overcome my guilt and try to live in the moment and learn to love who i am and just role with it. Its just hard to pull off being a girl the times you want to (which is a lot) when your body image is not very girlish :( and i am holding on to my support system for dear life trust me. Diane i will keep in mind what you said about examining myself and seeing if I, like you, don't feel myself unless i do things in society being seen and treated as a woman. The part where i get lost with myself is, (please don't take this as me being rude) is that i don't cross dress just "occasionally" at least i don't see it as that i dress as a girl pretty much daily just never in public. That and i am not perfectly happy with being a guy i feel something is missing. My want for the feeling of being a girl is strong a lot of days(5-6 days a week) its but there an some days its not and it confuses me, but i have noticed its gotten more strong as the years progress. I not sure which is the more dominate force. What are your thoughts? feel free to ask questions i am very open to any help you can give. Thank you both for your advice i really appreciate it.
I do understand where u r coming from. I want to look more masculine than I do. I just have to role with what I got and how I look. Everyone thinks and looks at me as a gay man because of my feminie qualities and physical attributes. I just rely upon and go with what my inner spirit is, which is manly.
I would like to see my body differently in the mirror and have it match more closely to my innerself. I work with what I got and make the best of it.
I went thru many years of guilt and shame because of how my body wasnt right from my point of view. I had no family support, no friends that understood or supported. And everytime I looked in the mirror I did not like myself. I had to look deep within side myself and accept who I was in my heart and spirit. And when I did that everything started becoming a lot easier. I still struggle to this day because my body does not match my inner self. I hold onto my inner self more than the physical and that eases everything.
I would like to be 6'4" because all the men in my family are close to if not over that, but I am not.
It is all in the mind set of what I have come to find out. I may only be 5'4" but I feel 6'4". My joke to everyone, being the comedian that I am, is that I am actually 6'4" but my legs are like adjustable crutches and I take them down to my 5'4" so I dont intimidate anyone with my height.
Just a suggestion here: I dont know your stature or physical looks. but there r a lot of female bodybuilders in this world and they win many competitions doing so and many men and women are attracted to them. And just because their bodies r masculine looking because of the muscles and other things. They still see themselves as a women and act femine because that is how their innerselves feel. They just want musculer physics. You just have the best of both worlds if you choose to look at it that way.
I have the best of both worlds because i can be sensitive to the womans understanding and body because of my feminine side and I am also driven to be her protector because of my inner spirit as a male. Even with the "extension" I must use with a harness to be intimate with my partner, I can still feel her because my mind and spirit allow me to feel her. And at that point I really feel like a born male because my spirit is free to enjoy everything and all things.
I know that it is different for you because you must "tuck" to hide the major masculine part of you. I would like to have something to "tuck". But I dont and that is how it goes.
Be true to yourself and see your inner self. That is where true happiness and joy resides is within oneself. You live and die by you and not anyone else. As long as you give to others with a true and loving heart and spirit (as well as your ownself) then you r functioning and completing the grand design of love and compassion.
You will succeed and find yourself. I know you will because you r seeking it. I found myself over 20 years ago without any support from family or friends. So you r well on your way.
Sorry for the long post reply. It was just what was in my heart and spirit to do so.
Well, I would say that I can't speak for you, nor can anyone else. Sorry. :(
However, just the fact that you're considering this isn't normal for guys. Plus, you are being quite adamant, which someone who didn't want to transition would do. These are just things to CONSIDER as not being "NORMAL". You may just be a "weird" guy. I'm sorry that I can't help you figure things out, but I really don't like speaking for other people.
hummm....I smell a sister here. If I had to place a bet, I would say, based on what you wrote, that you are 100% MTF, and that this post is but the beginning of your road.
Like all the people in this nice forum, I am just expressing my opinion, so do not take me to serious.
Good luck girl!
PS I used to go from Cheyen to Red Lodge in a R90, talking about speed limit! LOL I had a friend that used to live in Red Lodge, we used to go up ski run road, then hike up to grizzly peak.
Stealthy all i can say is wow you have an excellent way of conveying things that just clicks and has deep meaning. My stature isnt large large im 5' 9" 175 i have fairly narrow shoulders an smallish arms and skinnyish legs i have CP so i am not very muscular and i have a decent belly :/ and a heavier face and very hairy :( except for my chest and back thank god
Diane I know in the end you are right that only i can speak for me and will keep this in mind thank you for this very valid point. Could be kind enough to please reword this "Plus, you are being quite adamant, which someone who didn't want to transition would do. These are just things to CONSIDER as not being "NORMAL"You may just be a "weird" guy." I think i understand what you mean but am not 100% sure.
Peky i guess time will tell your opinion like everyone elses is greatly appreciated and helping me keep a broad an open mind.
An dont much about the route from Chey to Red Lodge cause im from northern mt but i will say MT has probably the most kick ass mountains (I am an avid snowmobiler i love the mounatins) :)
Thank you all for your help its nice to be able to converse with people who can relate to your experiences cause they have experienced something similar in their own life. Thanks again
Brooke
On some level you already know yourself. Keep going. Ask yourself which type of name and pronouns you feel most comfortable with, you'll know what to call yourself when you find something that feels like it fits. :)
GT im doing my best to plug a long thanks for your encouragement pretty sure on my name but still might change my mind the pronouns will come eventually i hope.
Thanks Again