Hi,
I'm pre-everything and was wondering if anyone had any advice on getting a (straight female) girlfriend? I had met someone online and things were great.. until I told her that I wasn't biologically a male. She was actually ok with that, and still loved me, but she wanted children and didnt want to use a sperm donor. It was really hurtful but its kinda given me hope that I could meet someone else who could live with me as a man. But how do you meet someone?? On dating sites I'm guessing women would want a "real" man, and transgender sites are people who are transgender themselves (I want a biological female gf), so are there any other sites I could use? (I'm in the UK by the way). Thanks
Almost all of my exes are straight/bisexual girls. I've never met any of them online. This was also before I started t. I just let them know straight up the transition is be making and the ones who listened/asked questions/were curious, we're the ones I ended up dating. And become a very good backbone/support system.
I didn't look when running into any of those, they just appeared and they became long serious relationships.i also just met these girls through friends or random activities. Good luck man!
Quote from: ATurner on October 27, 2012, 10:45:53 AM
Hi,
I'm pre-everything and was wondering if anyone had any advice on getting a (straight female) girlfriend? On dating sites I'm guessing women would want a "real" man, and transgender sites are people who are transgender themselves (I want a biological female gf), so are there any other sites I could use? (I'm in the UK by the way). Thanks
Are you a biological male? Are you a straight male? What defines you?
Is not paradoxical and unfair that you want to define others with rules different than the ones you use to define yourself?
I am a biological female, my gender and sexual orientation is between my ears and not my legs.
Bad luck with your search!
All I want is to date a woman, like most men do. That's all, I didn't mean any offence.
Quote from: ATurner on October 27, 2012, 11:16:18 AM
All I want is to date a woman, like most men do. That's all, I didn't mean any offence.
Lots of good woman in this place. No offense taken man, just sharing my thoughts
I'm sure there are, just can't seem to find any.
I have a female friend who is 100% straight. We dated for like a month last year, and she has still expressed interest in dating me. Honestly, I think the best way is just to meet girls is just through life. Some will be accepting and others will not. That's just sort of a part of the territory for me. With a lot of "trans-specific" dating areas, websites, what have you, I think you're more likely to meet those "lesbians" who only date ciswomen and FTMs, or people who think that we're different from other men somehow. My friend views me as any other guy, just one who was born with a circumstance he couldn't control. It's very comfortable that way.
I don't understand this. I understand attraction, I guess. So maybe you are attracted to women, your opposite, the same, etc. I am new to this and used to be asexual.
I am also older than you (pretty safe to say) and can perhaps offer you wisdom. Anyway I think you are setting standards on your prospective gf pretty much guaranteeing your failure. I think it might take just a bit of queerness to be attracted to transman. There are probably exceptions that. But I am pretty sure whoever found these gals did so genuinely without worrying about what their genitals were and was looking for what was in the heads and hearts.
BTW, being pre-everything means you are going to look some female I am guessing. Or maybe not. What date would you tell someone on? If you are looking for a straight cis gf they might not be too encouraged that they were really straight. Perhaps they'd doubt their sexual orientation.
I agree with peke. I also think there are a lot of warm loving gay, genderqueer, transgals you are pretending you are too good for. Perhaps it's your own self-esteem and feelign that you as a transguy are not good enough so you have to go find a cis straight girl to make you feel adequate as a male.
--Jay J
I recently started dating a straight transguy who has only dated ciswomen in the past. He has never had any trouble getting a girl friend who does not care he is trans. There are good, straight women out there that don't care if you are trans or not. Good luck.
Quote from: ATurner on October 27, 2012, 10:45:53 AM
Hi,
I'm pre-everything and was wondering if anyone had any advice on getting a (straight female) girlfriend? I had met someone online and things were great.. until I told her that I wasn't biologically a male. She was actually ok with that, and still loved me, but she wanted children and didnt want to use a sperm donor. It was really hurtful but its kinda given me hope that I could meet someone else who could live with me as a man. But how do you meet someone?? On dating sites I'm guessing women would want a "real" man, and transgender sites are people who are transgender themselves (I want a biological female gf), so are there any other sites I could use? (I'm in the UK by the way). Thanks
Wait, she was thinking about having kids with you before even meeting you in real life? You dodged a bullet there :P
I agree with Alexander and .caleb, your best bet is just to meet people the good ol' fashion way - friends of friends, people who hang at the same places as you regularly, co-members of whatever club or social group you might be a part of, etc. Just go out there, meet people, and focus on what's in their heads first rather than what's under your clothes.
I'm saying this as someone who doesn't understand at all the mindset of people who approach finding a partner the way they do finding a job though, so YMMV.
There's one thing I don't understand though, why do you specifically want a straight girlfriend? I totally understand not wanting to date a self-identified lesbian, but bisexual girls are just as likely to be attracted to you as a man, and
may be less bothered with you being pre-transition (emphasis on the "may", they might also be only attracted to cis men).
QuoteI agree with peke. I also think there are a lot of warm loving gay, genderqueer, transgals you are pretending you are too good for. Perhaps it's your own self-esteem and feelign that you as a transguy are not good enough so you have to go find a cis straight girl to make you feel adequate as a male.
Or perhaps he's just attracted to people who identify as women, want relationships with men, and have a specific set of equipment down there. Attraction is not something we choose, applying politics or judgement to it is meaningless.
I also don't think it takes queerness to be attracted to trans men, it just takes being attracted to people who identify as men. Some people like their men with a specific body type, or set of body parts, or hair color, or height, or ethnicity, and some have broader tastes - but it all comes down to just that, individual tastes.
I think the reason he wants a str8 lady is because he is scared that the bi lady sees him as a girl.
I understand that attraction is not something you choose. But he is being quite specific. I dont' mean that it always takes some queerness but it could help.
If you are pre everything and think that all or even most straight women will see you are a guy, that's just not true either.
You actually asked one of the questions I asked--though not specifically, why not a bi woman (or perhaps genderqueer, which you didn't say)? I see that sometimes a lesbian might be too involved in the identity of being lesbian, which sometimes is a problem with
changing orientation when they are with a transguy. But that happens too.
I feel there are a lot of specifics to sound to me like totally having to do with attraction. Maybe you just don't see this like I do.
I also think meeting people live probably works better than dating sites.
--Jay J
I am in no way saying I am "too good" for anyone other than a straight female. I just said straight to avoid confusion as I wouldn't want to date a lesbian. I would want to be with someone because they want to be with a male, which is what I am. And I am attracted to females, like plenty other guys. I don't socialise a lot so rarely get the chance to meet people, and I thought online would be better because then they could get to know the real me rather than the me that the world thinks I am. I'm sorry that some of you seem to think that I am being offensive, I thought people on this forum would understand :(
Quote from: ATurner on October 28, 2012, 09:55:20 AM
I am in no way saying I am "too good" for anyone other than a straight female. I just said straight to avoid confusion as I wouldn't want to date a lesbian. I would want to be with someone because they want to be with a male, which is what I am. And I am attracted to females, like plenty other guys. I don't socialise a lot so rarely get the chance to meet people, and I thought online would be better because then they could get to know the real me rather than the me that the world thinks I am. I'm sorry that some of you seem to think that I am being offensive, I thought people on this forum would understand :(
I think this is a great forum to find understanding people. I personally think there is nothing wrong with the way you posed your question. It is good you are trying to reach out for community. Don't give up hope. ;D
Quote from: ATurner on October 28, 2012, 09:55:20 AM
I am in no way saying I am "too good" for anyone other than a straight female. I just said straight to avoid confusion as I wouldn't want to date a lesbian. I would want to be with someone because they want to be with a male, which is what I am. And I am attracted to females, like plenty other guys. I don't socialise a lot so rarely get the chance to meet people, and I thought online would be better because then they could get to know the real me rather than the me that the world thinks I am. I'm sorry that some of you seem to think that I am being offensive, I thought people on this forum would understand :(
Seems that quite a lot more people understand than don't. However, this actually clarifies it for me. So good luck. Don't know how this new fangled internet tubes work. :D
--Jay J
I actually had good luck finding people online. I met my current gf online. She's great and doesn't care that I'm trans. People are people. Some are accepting and some aren't. No matter where and how you meet someone, you'll run into both sets of people. You can meet jerks in real life too. In any event, good luck. I hope you're able to find someone who is accepting.
Quote from: ATurner on October 28, 2012, 09:55:20 AM
I am in no way saying I am "too good" for anyone other than a straight female. I just said straight to avoid confusion as I wouldn't want to date a lesbian. I would want to be with someone because they want to be with a male, which is what I am. And I am attracted to females, like plenty other guys. I don't socialise a lot so rarely get the chance to meet people, and I thought online would be better because then they could get to know the real me rather than the me that the world thinks I am. I'm sorry that some of you seem to think that I am being offensive, I thought people on this forum would understand :(
I actually met my girlfriend online, and she thought i was biologically male. I identify as male, and i am Pre-T. When things got a little serious, before that happened i told her. At first it was a little bumpy because she felt confused. And 10 months later, shes the best ever. She only see's me as male, and she actually doesnt want me to transition, but she knows its only my decision for whatever makes me happy. I've only dated straight woman, only because they want to be with a male and a male is what i am, but the past girls.. are just still ashamed since i still look female in a way. Nobody wants to be put in hiding or have their partner feel ashamed for having a tran person. Like you said, meeting online is kinda good due to the fact they only see your personality and not really much of ur looks. I've only dated 2 girls online and the rest in real.
My point is, online or in real, dont be going fishing lol sometimes its best to just wait and let them come to you. Afterall thats how u get to see how much they really want you and not care about if ur biologically male or not.
I dont know if this made sense or not.. x_x just speaking within experience
I completely disagree with some things that have been said about you setting your standards too high, or some "queerness" being needed etc.
I think what you were explaining in your first post, was clear enough.
Anyway, Im straight, and the girlfriends Ive had have all been people Ive met in everyday life situations, and also when I wasnt looking (that is said alot and sounds quite cliche, but its true :p). Also, I did have a girlfriend for about 9months and this was all pre T, pre any surgery. And everygirl who has been with me, has seen me as fully male, just a normal guy. I wouldnt let them see me any other way, and thats all I come across as anyway.
If you fully identify as male, hopefully you project that enough that even pre T, girls shouldnt struggle too much to see you as that. If that makes sense...
Try not to worry too much about it. I know it can feel like its almost impossible to meet someone decent, or atleast, the worry can be there, but things will work out fine.
The best way, how I see it, is to go out and do more social things. Not out to clubs and bars, I dont think these are ideal ways to get to know people, but other things where you can make friends and they can get to know you for you. I personally think relationships are best when they stem from friendships, as opposed to going straight into dating. But thats just my opinion.
The scariest part I find, is how and when to tell someone you like them, the fact that youre transitioning...
I guess doing things online would make that easier, but I would worry that the person online may not be genuine...
Dear ATurner:
I am the friend that Caleb mentioned in the post he made in this thread of yours. Although he showed me your thread the night before last, he convinced me this morning to join the site and give some first hand insight here! I can only speak from my own experiences but hopefully they will give you some things to think of.
Although I would wonder why you would not want to date a transgender woman, I do not agree with the poster who said that it is unrealistic for you to want to date a straight woman. As a straight woman myself I have never found myself confused by my feelings for a transgender man. I will admit that I am enjoying his changes on hormones. I like how he smells now and how his skin feels. I like how his body shape is slowly becoming more like other men. After all, that is my orientation and I cannot help that physical response I have to him now that he is on testosterone. But don't let not being on hormones just yet discourage you. I met him two years before he began hormones and I still found myself attracted to him. I never felt confused or like I was attracted to a woman. To me it is always been clear that he is just like any other man. Something happened in his mother's womb that made his brain tell him his body should be a man's body. That is not his fault. Hormones have made him much more comfortable and confident within himself but deep inside he is still the same man I fell for last year. Just healthier. :-*
This is not just me either. I have spoken to my friends about liking a transgender man before. They are all straight women aswell. At first they did not understand but in talking to them more I realized that they did not understand what it meant to be transsexual and to transition medically. They assumed that to be transgender meant that Caleb was a woman who took on a man's name, dressed as a man, and took on the dominant role in a relationship. Basically a butch lesbian in an extended roleplay. This did not make sense to them and they asked me why would I want that?
I showed them some documentation made by other men of their changes on hormones and then it made sense. They saw that a transgender man can have a body that is very close to that of a cisgender man through hormones and surgeries. They were also reassured when I spoke about my relationship in a matter of fact way because they heard about the day to day things. They realized this wasn't a game or a fantasy but just who he is. We are two people like any others. Being with a transgender man is no different from being with a cisgender man. They all give you the Same Old B.S. >:( This is the case in point as he is sitting next to me right now and he just took my bagel hostage to make me delete the sentence about the B.S.!!
My advice to you, ATurner, is do what you can to feel confident in who you are. Be a good man and live your life. Will all women understand your condition? No, they won't and some may break your heart without giving you a fair chance. But a woman who is mature, confident and comfortable with who she is and what she wants, wants a man who will treat her with the love and respect that she deserves before anything else.
Please feel free to private message or email me if you want to ask me any questions! I am certainly happy to offer any insights that I can.
Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 05:12:11 PM
I think the reason he wants a str8 lady is because he is scared that the bi lady sees him as a girl.
Well, that is what my bf told me when we first started to talk... He had his share of this kind of girlfriends, and he could not stand it been treated like something that he is not. He hadn't had a straight woman as his gf before until me, and now he so much enjoys the fact that he is finally treated, loved and wanted because of the man he is..
He sees a big difference now that he is with a woman that likes men and only men, and he feels like himself at last, and that is the most important part..
I fell for him because of all the masculine vibes I was perceiving, his sense of humour, his personality, tha way that lets me be me, the way that no other man has flirted me before, and he is pre-T if you wonder.. I just didn't let the first impression of my eyes and ears surpass what my mind saw and my heart felt, and then eyes and ears just followed.
So I say don't ever lose hope, just have confidence, and when you find someone you like, just be yourself and show that to her along with how much you like her. That worked for me. :)
Quote from: peky on October 27, 2012, 11:07:02 AM
Bad luck with your search!
Why would you say something like that?Doesn't sound like no-offense-taken to me.Now that that's out of the way... To the OP:
My advice is to be yourself, be honest, be realistic. Don't be shocked, hurt or disappointed if a woman doesn't want to date you because you're trans (or something having to do with that). Everyone wants what they want, and it's better to just find someone who's cool with you the way you are. There's plenty of nice women out there who are straight and happy to date a transguy. Meet ladies through things that you enjoy, and don't necessarily angle for a relationship right off the bat.
Honestly, it is very important to me also that whoever I choose to date - whether it's a man or a woman - sees me as a man. So I get why you want to date heterosexual women.
Good luck and stuff. Also, it'll prob be easier after transition. First impressions mean a lot, and if someone sees you immediately as a guy before you even introduce yourself, I think it'll be easier for them to see you as such even knowing you're trans.
While I am looking at this from the Les side of the fence, I found that by just blurting out my feelings I let someone know how I truly felt and they responded the same way. By taking a risk I broke the ice for both of us, and we were able to avoid a lot of stuffing around and missteps. I now have found someone I could happily spend the rest of my life with.
You are unique and have shown immense amounts of quiet courage and resilience, qualities women want in a partner, regardless of orientation. You will find her, and she will be worth the wait and the effort.
Karen.