So I made some new local friends which is really cool. They seem awesome. One of them... I suspect is trans. I suspect he might be interested in me for dating. I might be interested back. Whether I am or not has to do with some complicated interpersonal things that I don't want to go into but that have nothing to do with him being trans, but here's the rub.
He passes well. Don't get me wrong. But I think having seen a lot of trans guys here and on YouTube at various stages in their transition seems to have left with me with a heightened sensitivity to subtle clues that the average person likely doesn't pick up on. Still, could be wrong, of course. Maybe he's not trans. I'm just anticipating a possible uncomfortable moment if & when he decides to tell me this.
If I'm completely honest, I would say I suspected it and that it doesn't matter, but I could see that being awkward because it's like I'm saying he doesn't pass that well. If I decide not to say that, then I'm sort of pretending to be surprised like showing up at a surprise party that you actually anticipated and trying to fake it. The thing is, I don't want it to seem like an issue when it really isn't. Him being trans is not an issue but me sensing it might be. Does that make sense? I also am a horrible liar/faker and am frankly not very comfortable with dishonesty so if there's a way to defuse the awkwardness without being fake, I prefer that.
If you're a trans guy, how would you like a guy to handle this quandary?
I can't advise you on handling anyone as I'm incapable of doing it myself.
But some advice. If he wants to tell you, then he is, otherwise, he isn't.
Does that make any sense to you?
I might get ragged on for this, but I would go with the acting surprised part. It seems like you said he passes pretty well, so to him saying that you kinda sorta knew might be a bit much for him.
Can't really think of anything else though. You could just say you suspected, but only because you're really aware of trans things, but that's all a bit lengthy.
Ouch, that's a difficult one. I'm on the female side, but the concept is the same. And I'm similarly coming from a "passes well" situation. Um... I guess I'd like them to just go with "it's okay, I like you" and not try to fake surprise or anything. And then if I asked them if they already knew they could just say, "I suspected, but I wasn't sure." And follow up with, "but I know a ton of trans folks so..." and maybe some non-trans-based physical compliments as reassurance (like not "you really look like a girl," rather "you look really hot.").
And it might still take a bit to recover, depending on how passable he really is. Like if that's the first time he's been clocked in a year... it could be unsettling. But I think being dishonest about it would probably be worse. Especially in a situation where he's being super honest with you, right?
Well. How would I like someone to respond.. Eh, lemme try just typing it out and see what comes out:
Me: "I'm trans, btw."
Him: "Yeah? Alright."
Yep. I really can't think of something I'd rather wanna hear. I don't think I'd be bothered by a "I suspected you might be", depending on how well I get along with a person. "I thought so" comes across as more "Yep, you really don't pass all that well.." XD
you don't have to act surprised. it'll too easily look fake if you aren't good at lying. but you should take some time to think about it, that's a rather normal way to act when one is surprised and doesn't know how to react. and then follow up with saying it doesn't matter to you, he's [some compliment] anyway. no talk about passing or how accepting you are of trans people, only how he is he anyway, and that's what matters. but if things go well with you two, you could at a later time tell him about how you already thought you knew but weren't really sure at all.
Thanx for the thoughts. I'm probably over-thinking it.
Sometimes I think a simple "okay" is response enough. No big deal one way or the other.
Maybe ask him out and see how he reacts, and take it from there.
Basically, you are a guy who like guys, and so is he. Whatever your medical histories, I am sure you can work something out. If it leads to a serious relationship at least you will understand each other a lot better than cis guys would. My new g/f is post-op and I am pre/non-op and we just don't care.
Whatever happens keep a sense of humour and you should be fine.
Karen.
Quote from: justmeinoz on November 01, 2012, 05:18:15 AM
Maybe ask him out and see how he reacts, and take it from there.
I'm nowhere near ready to do that, again it's for complications completely unrelated to him possibly being trans that I don't care to go into. Right now I definitely want to be friends though and I'm not ruling out more in the future.
Friends is a good place to start. Overcomes any trust issues, as I have found.
I agree with the "ok" and keep it at that.