I know you're out there, but I'm the only black ftm I know. The only reason I bring this up is because not only do I have to deal with transgender issues, but I have to deal with transgender issues in a black community, which brings up a whole lot more issues. On top of it, the family I was raised by are all white. Could I even BE more of a "black sheep"?
My dad is from Nigeria, and he is the only blood family I really have aside from my brothers. I have no idea how my Nigerian family (people I don't know but plan to visit in December for the first time) might handle this sort of thing. I don't know if my dad will react nicely because of the cultural differences, if transgender is even a "thing" over in Nigeria, or if I should even tell him that I'm trans. Maybe I should just present female on my trip because he lives far from me and I would not have much contact with him over the years, other than through texting or email.
Once I start testosterone therapy, this will be a different question. I'll have to tell him eventually, because he will hear my voice and see me with facial hair. I feel guilty because he has given me my tribal name, which is very important in our culture, but the name I received is female, Uzo-Oyibo. Will he have to give me a new name? I don't think I should even attempt to see any other trans Nigerians, because that is quite a small pool of people, but maybe some of you have cultural differences you have to deal with? And if so, how did you deal with them?
I might add that I'm an adult, so if I really had to I could never see these people again or deal with them, I could start anew, and that's what I plan on doing with the white family I was raised by, but I love my father and really would like to solve this somehow.
Hi Sebastian, you are indeed not alone. Malachite should be along any time now. He understands the minority in a minority situation. Here is a link to a story you may be interested in: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,23116.msg174465.html#msg174465 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,23116.msg174465.html#msg174465)
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks a lot, Devlyn! That article is very interesting, and helpful. If anything, it makes me feel a lot less alone.
You're welcome, I just typed minority in the search block at the top right and that was the first post it found. Hugs, Devlyn
And you're looking good, by the way!
Thanks, Devlyn! Means a lot. :)
I'll have to check out that search function a little better, new member and all and I'm still working out the kinks.
Don't use the regular search--I've never had success with it. Use the advanced search.
One of my buddies is black, but he was raised in an all-black family. Another buddy is mixed race--white (or mostly white) mother and black (or mostly black) father. Neither of these guys comes to this site, but I've talked to both of them about race from time to time. I gather that the race angle can certainly throw a unique wrench into the whole trans experience.
There's another guy who used to come here, but he hasn't been around in a long time. I think he told me about a site or a forum for trans guys of color...or maybe I'm getting mixed up about a local support group that somebody tried to start.
I know that we've had a couple of guys of Asian descent here on Susan's. Beyond that...I don't know. Maybe we need a child board for PoC to congregate!
Thanks for all the info! Makes me feel a lot less small, if you feel me. I really think a child board would be nice, like you say race throws a new wrench into the entire issue. My biggest problem is actually the cultural differences. I'm American and most people on this site, that I've seen, are American, Canadian, or Australia, AKA places with relatively similar European-esque cultures with plenty of freedom and etc. Nigeria is a third-world country so things are very, very different there. I suppose I should bring up the issue to my father, maybe theoretically or just off-hand, and see how he reacts before I say anything.
If you'v not had much contact with your father before then maybe it would be best to come out to him straight away so he doesn't have to adjust to knowing you, and then adjust to knowing you as male later.
That's a good idea. We have met once, besides when I was a baby (due to a complicated home situation, he couldn't see me, even though he wanted to, and he lost contact with my family once my mother died, he had no idea how to get a hold of anyone, because he didn't know us well).
I also have a younger brother from that father, so I think I will tell them both very soon.
I think in this case you should tell your dad before hand and give him time to adjust because it seems like it would be a lot of red tape just to go there to present as female and then to tell him after the fact. That way you can just "cut out the middle man". Maybe once that has been established in the relationship then you could feel okay asking him if he would give you a new name.
Since I'm still living my life as a woman I can't really say comment on how my life is as a black transman. I live in the south of the U.S. which is typically known as less advanced (though not 100 percent true) so one of the biggest issues I come into is the whole religion aspect and the best way I deal with it is just to be educated on the subject. That can go back to telling your father beforehand and explaining to him the whole transgender ordeal if he needs more understanding.
Thanks for the advice! Luckily my father is not all that religious. He was raised catholic, so my grandma on that side is kind religious, but she also doesn't speak English, and I don't speak Ibo (Igbo to anyone who wants to look it up) or Hausa or Yoruba for that matter, and I believe she speaks all three but I'm not sure. Anyway, luckily for me, religion isn't a huge issue. I'm Christian but I'm not ignorant, and luckily the family I have to deal with feels the same way (for the most part). On top of it, the only reason my people are Catholic is because it was forced upon them, so I'm not sure how devout any of them are these days.
Anyway, I'll go ahead and talk to him about it before my vacation. Thanks, all of you!
I am also an ftm of color (most people think otherwise because of my complexion) and I was raised in an African household as my step-father who has been there since I was born is West African (Senegalese).
I am aware there are cultural difference between Nigerian and Senegalese people, but if you want to talk about anything at all about coming out or whatever, feel free to message me, I'm pretty open. Also, I came out to my father completely if that strikes interest.
- Best of luck!
Thanks a whole lot, I will be sending you a pm.
Quote from: sebastianwood on November 11, 2012, 02:55:20 PM
Could I even BE more of a "black sheep"?
If you're also gay and physically disabled, you get my vote. :laugh:
Hahaha I'm polysexual and HoH, does that count??
Damn, I really got the short end of the stick. If I didn't have as high self-esteem as I do, life might suck right about now!
Head of Household?
Hard of hearing, ha ha, I'm 100% deaf in my left ear and have probably about 70-80% hearing in my right. I wouldn't say deaf yet, though.
Okay, you win! That's way more than I have to contend with. :icon_eek:
Hahaha, I sure as hell don't like it! Especially on the internet, it always feels like I'm exaggerating because I have a million and one things wrong with me, and for some reason a lot of young people like to idealize problems (like autism and manic bipolar, both of which I have to deal with and therefore am not ever taken seriously for). That's another problem in and of itself, to be honest.
I'm not black, but I am Mexican, and an overwhelming majority of my family is very conservative and adheres to a lot of...Well, it's a complicated mess my transition has brought on the family. Yeah, we'll say that. Even if your father doesn't understand, I'm sure he'll love you enough to want to listen to you about this. You express yourself nicely here, perhaps just tell him what you've told us, only rephrased to be addressed to him?
Thanks, Zerro! I think he may be conservative, but in the end I know he'll love me when it all boils down to it. I'll start talking to him about it. :)
It can't hurt to try! I think that in some cases, a parent's love for their child can overcome most anything. Though the majority of my family has disowned me, my mother has tried her best to support me and be there for me as a mom. Her words were more like "I am worried about you and whether this is best for you, but I want you to be happy and if my support will help you through this process, I want to be there for you as your mom". Even if parents are conservative, I think most ultimately want to see their kids flourish and become healthy, happy adults. Maybe your dad will be like that, if you guys are close, you know? I hope it goes well, when you can talk to him! He's lucky to have a well-spoken, intelligent child like you, I think. You care about your heritage and want him to know that you respect it. I think that might mean a lot to him.
Thanks Zerro, that actually gave me a lot of confidence just now. Maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow evening! :)
I'll need all the luck I can get, ha ha! Thanks a bunch Zerro, and all of the rest of you, too. I love this forum because the support is so great, haha.
Sending courage vibes. You might write down what you want to say, imagine how you would reply to various responses, and so forth.
That's a good idea! I think I'll try that.
I have no personal experience at coming out to parents, but it seems to me that fathers tend to be more accepting of FTMs than mothers. So many mothers seem to have a this mother-daughter hangup and an expectation that their "daughters" will be mothers someday. Fathers seem to be less invested in that arc. Of course, fathers seem to be more upset when their apparently male children come out as gay or trans.
But then, I haven't done a definitive study, and you are talking about someone from a whole different culture.
I hadn't even thought of that. Wow, that gave me a very big surge of confidence. I also think my brother will be VERY happy to have a big brother, hahaha.
One thing I wanted to point out...there's this one website (not sure if people posted it in this thread before) that is basically a Nigerian version of BBC News. It's called Elombah, it's subtitled "A Nigerian Perspective of World Affairs." There's an article (or several) about the LGBT community in Nigeria.
http://elombah.com/index.php/articles/akinyemi-adeseye/7594-nigeria-and-the-issue-of-lesbians-gays-bisexuals-and-transgender-lgbt-rights-part-1-v15-7594 (http://elombah.com/index.php/articles/akinyemi-adeseye/7594-nigeria-and-the-issue-of-lesbians-gays-bisexuals-and-transgender-lgbt-rights-part-1-v15-7594)
Might give you a better idea of how good/bad of a reaction you might get. I do know a few trans people of color, but you have something else going on with you. A lot of trans people of color in the US are born here. Their parents or generations further back immigrated while (it seems this way at least) you immigrated. Being somebody who was not born in the US and living in the US creates additional challenges on top of being a person of color and trans.
Edit to add: there's a tumblr for that, too.
http://transpoc.tumblr.com/ (http://transpoc.tumblr.com/)
Quote from: sebastianwood on November 11, 2012, 11:10:05 PM
I hadn't even thought of that. Wow, that gave me a very big surge of confidence. I also think my brother will be VERY happy to have a big brother, hahaha.
Good luck coming out Sebastian! Keep us updated.
Thanks a lot! That is actually the news site that my dad uses, so I am familiar with it, though I haven't used it. Perhaps I should do that more! :P
I will read the article now, and thank you so much!
Once I tell my father, I will update you all on the situation.
I did read the article and I was saddened by it but I do not think the ignorant opinion of the 90% of people opposing the LGBT stuff applies to my dad, luckily. He was raised Catholic but he's lived here long enough to think religion is a "crock of sh**" most of the time, and deep down, I know he will love me no matter what. I will, again, update you guys once I tell him.
Hey, good luck, Sebastian. I keep finding it helps going into these things assuming the other person is already on your side :).
Thanks! Definitely keeping that in mind. :)
Good luck and enjoy Nigeria & your family. Africa is wonderful and visiting it is like your soul is returning to its home - but please be careful.
As someone who was raised in Africa I need to advise you that many African cultures are intolerant of the LGBT community, so you'll need to tread very carefully and do your research before going. Many of our hard-fought LGBT rights that we take for granted are actually illegal in Nigeria (and several other countries), although this does depend somewhat on policy differences between the Muslim and Christian areas, and you seemed to suggest that your family is in the Christian part of Nigeria, which is slightly more lenient. In one (largely Muslim) state they even have laws against men imitating women (1 year's imprisonment & N10,000 or both). How trans friendly is that?!
All I'm trying to say is: please be mindful of the fact that they may have different views when it comes to LGBT (and other) rights. You might be in for a culture shock. No, scratch that: you will be in for a culture shock, but that's part of the beauty of travelling.
That having been said, like in any other country you will find individuals who are tolerant and accepting, and individuals who are intolerant. I sincerely hope your family is in the former group. But the official position is rather more bleak. Here's the best I could do in finding their government's official policy on LGBT rights: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Nigeria (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Nigeria)
I tried to get more 'official' information, but my contact in the Nigerian Government just wanted me to wire him a couple of grand via Western Union before he'd send me anything... ;)
Trans POC, here!
first of all im not black so I cant related to that, I got a friend who is trans and black but his is as I know adopted so he dosent have to think about visiting a famely somewhere (I dont think so?)
culture is always something and each country is diffrent from there view on transgenders.
it took me a long time to come out to relatives of mine in Norway, I still havent come out to a famely member of mine in Carlifornia. Its normal being nervous when your unsure on how there acceptence work and specially a place who got a very diffrent culture.
as mention I cant relate 100% to your situation as im neither black or from niegera. however I do know about the felling for culturel diffrence, and I also has friends from many diffrent countrys who have stugles with being gay, bi or trans and having famely somewhere..
Many of them sadly had escaped there country, or are in the closet, but there are also a couple of happy storys ex a friend of mine who went to Isreal this year to visit her famely. She had been scared to go before and had mention how she could get killed by not passing and going the wrong places. But as she went home and came out to those who didnt knew they just said "well we been following you on facebook" I was rather scared but she got home alive and happy.
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I would think its better if your come out before you consider to go, if your going to come out, I also think my friend had came out to a couple of people in Isreal before she went as far I remember. Again I sadly dont know much about your country so I cant help with a propper advice.
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Quote from: sebastianwood on November 11, 2012, 04:02:15 PM
My biggest problem is actually the cultural differences. I'm American and most people on this site, that I've seen, are American, Canadian, or Australia, AKA places with relatively similar European-esque cultures with plenty of freedom and etc.
For the matter on Susan, I just would point out that Europa isnt nessesarry a free-spirit place it depends on in which country you are.
I Know there is people on Susan who lives in areas who are rather horrible with pretty bad rights for trans folks.
I wont out anyone but I know there is.
I think there is 2 things to it, one thing is it can be hard for people to understand the situations for a country with a very diffrent culture and view on transgenders so the help can be limited. another thing is People who are from those place usunally has more to fear.
For some people just writting and being on susan can be dangerous if anyone finds out.
Sorry about the short response, but I'm on a schedule--but I'd like to say thanks, I guess everyone sort of works in their own time and I will manage it somehow. But also hearing the good stories makes me have lots of hope for the future. And you're right--with each situation, things are different. People can be in a lot of danger, and I am pretty lucky that I am safe here in my home and that the people around me are supportive, relatively.