Well, I just recently stumbled into all of this a couple months ago after a lifetime worth of repression. From a young age I had always put on an act, "got into the character" so to speak, to the point I believed myself to be male. A couple months ago however something in my head just clicked, like I wasn't acting anymore. I've tried to remain open to this though, although at first it did cause a good deal of panic. (Especially between being a biker-looking, (former)queer bashing, construction worker, and associating with similar types of people. And having a Mormon family.) Although I never have liked to play games with myself and try to deny things (unless my subconscious deeply represses it), so there essentially was no real denial stage, just the sudden realization that I'm a chick.
I've told pretty much all my friends, although nobody in my family knows aside from the oldest of my three sisters, who had I think the best reaction to it I've seen from anyone, her thought process was basically like this.
"Oh hey, I should show him my lip gloss."
"Wait, my brother is a chick?"
"Cool, I have a big sister now."
Telling my friends wasn't an issue, as I tend not to care at all what people think of me, and have a reputation for being crazy anyway, even among felons that I work with, so nothing I do really surprises anyone. My family on the other hand is a different story, especially with my dad, but I guess eventually they'll all have to find out one way or another.
Remaining open to it has definitely caused some very rapid change, just a couple months ago I was concerned far too much with being "manly", doing manly things in manly places with manly people and so on. Already I've attempted crossdressing and wearing makeup, which is a HUGE step when you consider not so long ago even the mere thought of doing anything mildly feminine caused me to cringe. It has actually progressed to the point where crossdressing is the only time I feel somewhat content and try to present as female whenever I get the chance. It's also worth noting I've been depressed and self hating as far back as I can remember and when I first discovered this that was all killed pretty much instantly, though it came back after I got over the initial realization. It has improved a good deal though since then, however, as my entire life suddenly makes sense.
It's already getting to the point though where crossdressing isn't quite enough, and the discomfort with my male body is getting progressively worse, although hopefully getting better at crossdressing will help with that somewhat. I'm seeing a councilor about it soon, which should help if nothing else because of the knowledge I'm actively doing something about it.
Also, finding a name is still very much undecided on, but I tend to like the name "Freya" so I went ahead and used it here.
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That right there is the first attempt at makeup with everything I needed, so it's a bit badly done.
Hi Freya, :icon_wave:
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Hi Freya and welcome.
You certainly are not the first one here to have tried to masculinise her way out of their gender issues, so no need to feel alone or misunderstood. Lots of us went through similar.
Looks wise having long blonde hair has got to be an advantage straight off, and your make-up doesn't look overdone, which can be a trap when we start. I certainly overdid it for a while, before I realised that less is more holds true.
Seeing a therapist is an important step as it helps you ask yourself the right questions. We are all different and there is no one right path. It sounds like you are well on the way to finding one that is right for you.
Have fun sis, and hope to see more from you.
Hi Freya, it's nice to meet you! I'm from Boston, we draw people in from around the world here at Susan's Place. See you around, hugs, Devlyn
Hi Freya welcome aboard(bad pun), by the way love your hair.
Thanks all for the welcoming atmosphere. And yes, the hair is definitely an advantage, one advantage of trying to go for a hyper-masculine viking type look while I was repressing it, though on the other hand I started working construction and bulked up a bit, but it shouldn't be anything HRT can't fix; at least I didn't start taking steroids like I was planning on. (Again, purely because of my attempt to repress it by trying to appear as overly-masculine as possible.)
And Devlyn, I noticed you edited a couple words out of my post. Sorry about that, I swear like a sailor normally so even when I'm trying not to words tend to leak out here and there, I'll proof read my posts better.
I'm glad I realized this as early as I did, though I only wish I had discovered it sooner. Making the change from being constantly violent and hateful to this has been amazing. Though I still enjoy violence for the thrill and test of willpower, I don't seek it out and start fights anymore like I used to because I don't feel like I have something to prove. I definitely have some interests and parts of my personality that are more stereotypically male, but I enjoy them in feminine ways, if that makes sense. This whole thing has been like stepping into an alternate reality I never knew existed where everything is beautiful, colors are literally more vibrant.
I had essentially forced myself to be hardened towards everything, though I was only pretending to be. I was just really damn good at pretending.
Cleaning up m'ladys posts, just another service I offer! Hugs, Devlyn