Hey. My name isn't actually Jaeger, but you can all just call me that. Anyway, I'm male-identified and trying as hard as I can to not let my 'birth sex' define me. Before I knew I was trans*, I was already rejecting myself at some core level of my being that I didn't yet understand. I think I have a better idea now, especially with the knowledge and experience I've gained since coming to terms with myself as being trans*. But at the same time, I've gotten so disconnected from who I was that I don't really know what lies beneath my new male presentation.
I'm still rejecting many aspects of myself, especially when it comes to my body. I don't want to have to qualify my male identity by referring to my biologically/medically/socially forced female one. I think that's a lot of what has turned me away from the trans* community, especially lately. Even though I'm accepted as male here, I still don't feel like I'm truly seen as a man. Which is why I've become focused on being and staying stealth in the 'real'/outside world. I don't even feel comfortable as a 'transguy' anymore and I feel like something of a traitor for it.
I still want to reach out somehow though. I'm realizing how hard it can be when my entire past is erased because I can't talk about it or relate with people who don't know about me (or wouldn't understand even if they did). I've always had trouble connecting with people and I'm wondering now if the depersonalization and dissociation I feel ties in with being trans* or if it goes beyond even that. People didn't ever really know me before so I'm scared of letting them in now and them just thinking they know me based on their projections. I'm taking great care to build a new identity, so why not a whole new me? But then the 'real' me (whoever that is - or was) gets lost in translation even to myself. I don't know, I just don't want to feel alone anymore...
That's a little bit about my story and where I'm at now, I guess. I hope to be able to connect with people here and really feel I'm a part of the community.
Hi that, how's it going? Sorry, I couldn't resist! Welcome to Susan's Place, Jaeger! I live up near Boston. Being who you are is what this site is all about. You came to the right place, hugs, Devlyn
Hi Jaeger, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 8986 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
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Hi Jaeger,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
Don't worry too much about our lovable Bostanian lass (the ever impressive Ms. Devlyn) she's been drinking too much tea out of the harbour lately. :laugh:
In these so called early days of your journey, sometimes it can take a while to work through all the issues. As it seems they all come together out of no where. Providing you stay true to yourself, which you are doing, everything will be fine.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Hello there, Jaeger. I'm obviously a newbie myself, but by no means new to those sort of feelings. I've often worried about what happens when sometime in the future, I make that final transition- not everyone is quite as accepting as this community.
Now maybe I'm wrong, but the best thing I can tell you is not to let those aspects of your past self you've left behind define you in the present, but also not to give up your past. Transitioning from your "birth sex" is not something to regard as a simple wave of a wand; there are so many levels to what makes up a person, and while gender identity and expression are but a part of ones self, they affect nearly every aspect of day to day life. I understand your rejection of all things female- in fact, my room now looks like it is being shared by a male and a female who have a complete clash when it comes to personal tastes. I've lost some of who I was along the way, and certainly have a long way to go on this journey, but the person I truly am has been kept intact. I have gone through and am currently going through a very long process of transformation, which you most likely will as well. However, that never has to mean losing who you really are along the way.
That being said, welcome to the forum! I'd love to hear more of your story, and would certainly be an open set of ears should you need someone to listen.