I saw this piece on dear prudence today about a supportive wife married to someone undergoing transition and how it's making her feel.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/11/dear_prudence_do_i_have_to_stay_with_my_transgender_husband.html (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/11/dear_prudence_do_i_have_to_stay_with_my_transgender_husband.html)
Just reading this made my mind wonder about all the things I could do. but honestly, I don't know what to do, mostly I've been able to manage my feelings but Lately my dysphoria has been growing stronger, and sometimes I feel I'm about to burst from the constant sadness I feel inside about not being able to live my life like the woman I am.
I know some of you have been in my shoes (ugly male shoes) and proceeded with your transition.
Was it worth it? How did things end up for you? are you still together? Are you still on friendly terms with your spouse? do you still see your children?
Anyhow, I'd love to hear from any of you girls, maybe just talking about the consequences of our actions might help me make sense of the confusion going on in my head.
hugs and take care!
I waited to transition till the pain was so strong I only had two choices. Suicide or transition. My Son's Mother is a very conservative woman. Needless to say she did not take me being trans very well. For the first few months she hated me, and almost drove me to suicide again. Eventually she calmed down. Our marriage is emotionally over. We are still legally married because she cannot support herself. Once she completes school we will divorce. In the meantime we are working very hard at being friends. She is basically getting to know me all over again, so it is taking a lot of time. But, this is a very important matter for our son. He and I have such an amazing relationship that his mother and I really need to get along. Once we divorce we are planning on splitting custody 50/50 (although my son said he would rather just spend all his time with me). For me, this is so worth it. I would gladly give up everything except my son to transition. I am finally happy, and I am not even full time yet.
Thanks Brooke!
Do you mind me asking, How long did your marriage last and how old is your child?
If you think my question is too personal, I'll understand you not answering.
Not even close to too personal. In February we will have been married for 10 years. Come Friday we will have been together for 10 years. My son is 6 years old, and the cutest little guy in the world!
oh wow! I'm so happy/jealous for you Brooke!
I hadn't even considered this, but did transition affect your work/employment options as well?
I am in the earliest stages of transition, so don't know if this will be applicable but I'll post anyway just in case it helps.
My wife of 20 years was initially horrified at the thought of a husband transitioning (in the abstract before we thought it was a possibility for us). Now she alternates between being supportive and uncomfortable. Not clear if we will stay together in the long term but she seems comfortable enough with the time being. Of course I'm nowhere near full time (every other weekend, pretty much).
However, I'm really dead set against the Dear Prudence response. I don't feel like I'm being reborn as a new person. I never hid the female parts of my personality. I'm still the same person she married, though I'm allowing myself to act and appear female and changing my body (if I can get hormones going...)
We have two teenage kids. I work at the school they attend (seemed like a good idea at the time), and I promised my wife I won't transition at work until our son graduates this June. She's worried what it will do to our daughter but to her credit she 100% understands that this is something I have to do.
Good luck Monica.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 09:04:58 AM
oh wow! I'm so happy/jealous for you Brooke!
I hadn't even considered this, but did transition affect your work/employment options as well?
I don't completely know yet. My boss and HR know and they don't care. Come December 4th, I will know how everyone else feels. On the 4th, HR and management will be holding a meeting to educate the other people in my department on what it means to be transsexual, and then inform them that I am transsexual, what name to use, what pronouns to use, and that no discrimination will be tolerated. I have even helped HR develop a hand out with information and dos/dont's on it.
BTW, if you want to get into personal questions feel free to pm me ;D
OK - here is my 2p worth... I am still married and have been for over 20 years and we are determined to stay together simply because we still love each other and our teenage kids want us to stay together.
Quote from: agfrommd on November 20, 2012, 09:08:56 AM
However, I'm really dead set against the Dear Prudence response. I don't feel like I'm being reborn as a new person.
I agree with you. Prudence's response is, at best, weak. I am not dead, I am still here but I am changing my social role and how I present to the world. By Prudence's criteria any man who suffers gynecomastia should be divorced.
Quote from: bev2 on November 20, 2012, 09:21:10 AM
I agree with you. Prudence's response is, at best, weak. I am not dead, I am still here but I am changing my social role and how I present to the world. By Prudence's criteria any man who suffers gynecomastia should be divorced.
I agree, I am not dead either. But, my Son's Mother did go through a grieving process. She does consider her husband to be dead. She considers her friend to be alive. It's like she split me in two and killed off part of me. It is a really painful thing to have someone kill half of you.
Thanks for your reply, Agfrommd and Bev2!
Seeing my original post, I forgot to add that the dear prudence response is relevant to me, because I've known this about me since forever (one of my earliest memories is putting on my grandmother's bra) and never once have I discussed this with my wife, or any lliving being face to face. (Besides being caught dressing up by my mom when i was in my early teens, I've only once discussed this side of me with my therapist, but I was in my early twenties, and that seems a lifetime ago).
Anyhow, to make my situation even more dire, my profession (architecture) was hardly hit by the 2008 recession, and have only been recently employeed full time up to since last year (with a big paycut), and going through all we've gone through I feel I shouldn't couldn't let her down in this way.
Agfrommdd, I sincerely hope everything goes well for you and thank you again for sharing.
Bev2, I wish that whatever I decide to do, I'll be as lucky as you are.
Do you also want to hear from spouses? (Serious question; I won't barge in if you'd rather not.)
yeah, I don't want to be considered dead yet! ;)
Anyhow, grieving is a natural process when the nature of your relationship with another person whom you love or care changes dramatically, so while I don't agree literally 100% with what prudence wrote, I still get what she's trying to say.
Quote from: blueconstancy on November 20, 2012, 09:29:50 AM
Do you also want to hear from spouses? (Serious question; I won't barge in if you'd rather not.)
Yes please, blueconstancy!
I think it would be very helpful
Hi Monica,
I'll have to get my reading glasses on and I may comment on the article. In the meantime, I'll answer your questions
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 08:14:58 AM
Was it worth it?
Unequivocally, absolutely: YES!!!
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 08:14:58 AM
How did things end up for you? are you still together?
No. We are separated, pending divorce. It was the only responsible thing to do. Attempting to live together would have been a massive compromise and lie for both of us.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 08:14:58 AMAre you still on friendly terms with your spouse?
Extremely. The friendship that is emerging from this whole ordeal is absolutely awe inspiring. The grace and dignity demonstrated by my ex-wife, is stuff that Nobel Peace Prises are made of.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 08:14:58 AMdo you still see your children?
Absolutely. Albeit they had already left home to seek their own fortunes. Only my youngest son (22yo) struggles with it.
And to hedge my bets on your other post
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 08:54:48 AM
How long did your marriage last and how old is your child?
Celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary last January. Been together 33 years. Known each other 40 years.
Children are boy, girl, boy. 27, 25 & 22.
I don't know if its useful or not, but a timeline to the final scenario. 15 months ago my wife became suspicious something was happening to me. 11 months ago, I went on HRT without her knowledge. Suspicion escalated. 7 months ago I came out. 3 months ago we separated. Your milage may vary.
Keep the questions coming, girl. You've a way to travel yet.
Huggs
Catherine
Thank you so much Catherine! your answer has been very helpful.
My head is spinning, my heart wants this so bad, but my head is demanding caution.
:-\
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 09:41:03 AM
Thank you so much Catherine! your answer has been very helpful.
My head is spinning, my heart wants this so bad, but my head is demanding caution.
:-\
I think the cautious route is a good way to go. That lets you keep moving forward without as high of a likely hood of totally hurting others.
Hi Monica,
Once again.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 09:26:54 AM
and going through all we've gone through I feel I shouldn't couldn't let her down in this way.
Been there too. Yes it's a nice egalitarian thought. Yet, are you prepared to live a totally compromised life for the rest of your natural? Which by the way will become increasingly more evident in your body language alone. Let alone your thinking and outlook on life. Your wife is no fool, and a genuine woman to boot. She'll be able to sense this, 50 miles away.
I certainly don't advocate separation and or divorce. What I do promote is a complete freedom for all to live the life they were destined to live. Without the life long oppression of depression, anxiety, compromise, shame and guilt that comes with this lifestyle.
Sorry to be quite blunt, however I see no value in trying to gloss some that can't be glossed. In the majority of cases, it's the natural progression. As Brooke said, it got to a point of either transition or suicide.
Love
Catherine
Next year will mark my 20th wedding anniversary, with 10 of those years surviving as "him" and 10 years living as me.
Transition, in my opinion, is about change and adjustment, but we're NOT alone in transitioning. Anyone remaining in our lives goes through an adjustment process as well, and if we want to keep them in our lives, we need to focus on making their journey as easy as possible, even if it's at our own expense. As we transition, many focus on issues regarding looks, clothes, voice training, etc., and largely overlook the very important issue of spouse/family. Communication is extremely vital in making this work, as is ensuring that we're able to answer their questions and willing to adjust our timetables if required.
Making a relationship work can be a daunting task as we transition, but we must realize that with a 50% divorce rate, we're not alone in our struggles. Most people face challenges in making their marriages work, we simply have more hurdles to jump along the way. If you're married, knowing your spouse is of extreme importance, as is keeping them happy and maintaining open and honest communications so you can address their concerns before things spiral out of control.
Admittedly, my situation was slightly different because I was born IS and intercourse wasn't a huge part of our relationship, however keeping your spouse "satisfied" may help to stave off sex related frustrations.
Other things I did that helped to strengthen our relationship:
1. Consider adopting some of her hobbies. My spouse really enjoyed playing online MMO games, while I preferred first person shooters. I ended up switching game types to play with her, and we now spend a lot of time TOGETHER, even if only in the game(s).
2. My spouse is meticulous about her nails. Dare I call her obsessed with them. When I began transition, one of the first things we did together was learn how to do acrylic nails, using each other as guinea pigs. Eventually I also learned to do gel nails, and I make sure that her nails always look awesome.
3. Music is a big part of our lives, and playing in the house pretty much all the time. I adopted her choice of music. I didn't give up on my old style, I simply expanded what I listened to and played my preferences while alone.
4. Related to the above, prior to transition, there were many times when I'd walk into the kitchen and she would be "dancing" to the music playing. I used to roll my eyes, laugh and walk away, but now I simply join in. A few seconds of dancing can be fun, we laugh, smile have a good time. Isn't that what it's all about?
5. One of her biggest fears was me being able to "pass" in public, so we regularly went out so that she could see that her fears were unwarranted.
6. She loves to travel and explore, so I made it happen. Sometimes it was a weeklong trip to Europe or Asia, and other times it was a simple weekender to Las Vegas, but we indulged. We've since been to all 50 states, 18 countries, and have experienced New Years Eve in Times Square, Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Carnival in Rio, seen the pyramids in Egypt, the glaciers of Alaska, and tanned on the beaches in Tahiti, Hawaii, and several small islands dotting the Caribbean.
On our 15th anniversary we flew to Hawaii, and renewed our wedding vows. We bought new matching wedding sets, hired someone to do the ceremony, and exchanged them in a beachfront ceremony. It was awesome and unforgettable.
*********
We've lived a wonderful life together, and love each other regardless of physical characteristics.
Some will contend that sex is extremely important, while I'd contend that sex is but a small fraction of our life and can be overcome by other of life's pleasures.
Brooke,
I'm going to take you on on your PM offer. Thank you very much!
Happy to chime in, then! First, I will agree that I think Prudence's response is unhelpful at best and bordering on transphobic at worst, because it suggests that the trans woman in the story is a) a liar (knew all along and withheld the information) and b) about to become a totally different person (which is true in some cases but not others). Not to mention that three months is too freakin' early to know how anybody feels about anything, assuming for the sake of argument that it's not a strictly orientation thing (that the letter writer isn't totally straight and cannot bend her attraction towards a woman, which is one of those "it's awful, but neither side can change a fundamental part of themselves for the other" dealbreakers).
Three months in, I was hopelessly depressed and suicidal, and my wife was even more miserable at having made me suffer.
By a year, I was happier with her than I've ever been, our marriage was even stronger than before, and we were certain we could make this work. In fact, the turning point was when I broke down crying in our therapist's office and said the thing that hurt most was to imagine losing her, and the therapist said "That says something, don't you think? You don't HAVE to get divorced." It was the first time anyone had said it was *possible* for a marriage to survive. So once I knew that, the remainder was a tremendous amount of hard work and adjustment, especially in the initial period of nearly constant change, but it got easier as time went on. I am bisexual, which I think made us both assume at the beginning that it would be "easy," but in reality watching a lot of the familiar little things about her disappear was hurtful and scary at first. Nevertheless, she absolutely is the same person now, just in different packaging and with a greater contentment about her life.
Now I tell people, sort of like Prudence did but without her judgmental follow-up, that it's like any other major change in a marriage - having kids breaks up some couples, too, and so does a major career change or someone's mother-in-law moving in. Treating transition like a special category in which the spouse gets a "get out of working on the relationship free" card does a disservice to both parties. With that said, it's also important for the trans person to acknowledge and respect their partner's feelings; the main reason we stayed together, I'm convinced, is that my wife listened to me and did her best to care about my reactions at every step of the process.
As for the biographical info, we met when we were 15, got engaged at 19, married at 22. Then she decided to transition when she was 31, which was a bit of a shock, I admit. But I never felt like she'd "deceived" me or anything, because the clues were there for both of us all along, and we missed them equally. She started transition in June 2009, hormones in February 2010, and was basically finished transitioning by June 2010, although name and legal gender marker change had to wait until January 2011 for unrelated reasons. It was a hell of a ride, and we're both glad to be off of the initial roller-coaster, but we are definitely still together and still romantically (and, yes, sexually) involved.
If I had any advice for you, it would be to give her time, listen to her, commit to working on your relationship to the extent that you can control... and don't automatically assume that whatever shocked things she says at first are a permanent reality. (Not me, but I know several wives who blurted out things in horror that they kicked themselves for years later.) Well, and this part is none of my business, but no one I know who postponed or refused transition for the sake of a spouse ended up being happy they did, and several lost their marriages anyway because of the incapacitating misery it ultimately caused them not to transition. Remind yourself regularly that this is not something you're doing "to" her, it's something you need to survive or to be happy - and a loving spouse wants you to be happy! - do your best to be a terrific wife to her, and try not to feel guilty. Good luck.
Oh wow, what a great story Angie! You guys sound really lucky, but I guess luck is only a small part in what happens
Should I be worried that I haven't heard a disaster story yet? ;D
Quote from: Brooke777 on November 20, 2012, 09:24:40 AM
I agree, I am not dead either. But, my Son's Mother did go through a grieving process. She does consider her husband to be dead. She considers her friend to be alive. It's like she split me in two and killed off part of me. It is a really painful thing to have someone kill half of you.
I'm having the same problem with my spouse. Just this morning she was going on about how she is attracted to me physically as a male (I haven't begun transition yet), but since she knows I see myself as female she's tried to be "considerate" and see me as such. As she says she see's me as a woman she's not attracted to me and wants nothing to do with me physically - and can't see how we have any future together. As I haven't committed to transitioning yet (and won't until I observe the effects of HRT on my psyche), she is uncomfortable with my current state. I got five minutes of "are you a man or a woman?!" - commit! Very upsetting to say the least.
At least some spouses try to get educated and understand what we go through. Mine has done zero research and her version of support is telling me she wants a divorce, along with constantly calling me by my male name and refusing to hear or acknowledge my female name. oh. and we've been together for ten years - eight married. And two little boys (2 and 4) in the mix as well.
Sorry for the rant. I read this thread and it rubbed a fresh wound. :-\
Thank you so much Blue, your post gives me hope!
Quote from: SageFox on November 20, 2012, 09:57:20 AM
As she says she see's me as a woman she's not attracted to me and wants nothing to do with me physically - and can't see how we have any future together. As I haven't committed to transitioning yet (and won't until I observe the effects of HRT on my psyche), she is uncomfortable with my current state. I got five minutes of "are you a man or a woman?!" - commit! Very upsetting to say the least.
Don't be sorry about your rant, knowing my wife like I know her, everytime I come out to her in my head, the scenario that you're describing seems to be the most probable.
I hope it gets better for you Sage.
Quote from: SageFox on November 20, 2012, 09:57:20 AM
At least some spouses try to get educated and understand what we go through. Mine has done zero research and her version of support is telling me she wants a divorce, along with constantly calling me by my male name and refusing to hear or acknowledge my female name. oh. and we've been together for ten years - eight married. And two little boys (2 and 4) in the mix as well.
I'm going full time in about 2 weeks and my Son's Mother still does not use my female name or female pronouns. She even still tells me that she will always see me as a man, no matter what. I came out to her on April 2, 2012. About a month ago she gave me advice on my hair (first nice thing she did). About 2 weeks ago she saw some clothes on sale and got me some (2nd nice thing). Finally, this weekend, for some reason, she wanted to help me with my makeup and spent 2 hours using me as a living canvas. The point of this is that even if it takes longer than we would like, there is still a chance things will improve.
Sorry in advance for the long post!
I gave some advice last night to a young transgender woman that I am mentoring. Even though her gender dysphoria nearly killed her this year, she was falling in love with a straight girl who could never love a woman in a million years (except as a friend) and wondering if true love was worth not transitioning. I discussed my response with my wife, who agreed that I answered just right. Her first words were "No No No No NO NO NO".
I told my transgender little sister that it is complicated, and everyone is different - some people can't or don't need to transition - but when you are someone who needs to transition in order to live a full and happy life, you are guaranteed to break your own heart and the heart of the person you love if you enter a romantic relationship with someone who can't love the person you really are.
I told her if you are a woman inside, you need to be with a bisexual, pansexual, or lesbian woman, or with a bisexual, pansexual, or straight man. If your partner can't love a woman, even if you tell her going in to the relationship that you are transgender and need to be a woman, she will genuinely believe that the love of a good woman will fix you, that she just has to help you appreciate being a man, and convince you that you are not and can never be a woman, and you two can live happily ever after as man and wife. She will still feel utterly betrayed and bewildered when you transition, and she may even hate you for it.
A person who is not themselves transgender, or has never been close to someone who has transitioned, just can't in their gut comprehend how basic and unchangeable the need to be our true gender is, or how painful it is to put it off or ignore it. So when you change it will feel like a choice to them, even if they are well-read and compassionate people, it will still feel like you are choosing the other woman over them and your life together.
I told her I wish so much that someone could have explained to me the things I understand now about myself, and about gender and sexuality and relationships and marriage and love.
If you marry and don't transition, you could set yourself up for depression, metabolic syndrome, alcoholism, anger, distance, and potential death by suicide or stress. Whether you die slowly or quickly from your pain, or just become the zombie walking dead, you will break her heart and kill or deaden your own.
My wife and I have been together for seven plus amazing, sometimes difficult years, including 15 months since I came out and began the transformation that erased her husband and revealed her wife.
It hurt both our hearts that we were certain we were meant for each other. We have both saved the other's life more than once and in more ways than one. Neither of us would be alive, let alone in any semblance of well, if we hadn't been in each others' lives. In the end, love of course was not enough to reverse the facts of biology, psychology, and reality. We were and are each others' best friends in the world, but even our friendship frayed and nearly broke under the strain of our mutual frustration and grief. The marriage had to end as we knew it, as the man she knew and love ended his life as a man and began a new more genuine, connected life.
Waiting to transition almost killed me, literally, and made me so fragile that a gust of wind could have blown me away. My wife had to save me by letting me know that she would rather have me alive as a woman, than dead as a man. Ironically, the emotional reality has been that our fears did come true in a way-- I really am dead as a man, but I am more alive than I have ever been as a woman and as a friend.
The real reason we are splitting now, but staying close supportive friends, is that she loved the man I was, and the idea of growing old with me, so much, that living with me and being married to me now makes her burst into tears because her heart can't forget what she has lost, even as she is happy that I survived, and genuinely likes me more as a woman and can see that this is who I was meant to be. She resents terribly the decades I survived as a man, and why couldn't I love her enough to survive the rest of my life with HER as a man. Even though she knows I couldn't help it, and would have died without this, she still resents what life has done to US.
My very happiness as a woman reminds her that she believed I was happy with her as a man. It's hard on us both. It's hard on my heart to see that my gender expression - and being happy as the true me - brings sadness to the person I love the most.
It broke my heart to accept that she could never love this woman, me, the way she loved the man she thought I was. It broke her heart to accept that I can't possibly love her enough to stay the man she thought I was, because love can't change that I am not that man.
But after the heartache comes acceptance, and in time, healing.
My only advice to those already married, is be honest, be kind, be compassionate, and don't wait to do what is right for self-care. You can't control the outcome, and no one is to blame. You can love one another, preserve what can be preserved, and let the rest fall away and be mourned, if you are lucky, hand in hand.
I was going to purge and give you some advice about coming out to your wife. But, unless you want to hear the advice it can wait. For now I'll just say my transition is just starting, but I couldn't dream of ever going back. Even though I'm going through hell right now, I can't imagine how I could have survived the mental distress I was suffering each and every day. I was honestly at an end point.
So, I'm 61, been married 34+ years, have two sons 26 and 29, and a daughter in law and a grandson of 8 weeks.
Only my wife, cousin, and a couple friends from work are fully aware of my life as it is now, and that obviously liimits what I know about how others feel.
There is no effect on my job, since I retired early, and because I came out to a couple friends I worked with I never hear from the old office anymore. That saddens me.
I have to get on with other work now.
Hugs,
Kathy
Speaking from my own experience, I think that even if Dear Prudence is filled with a ton of misconceptions and misguided attitudes that really wouldn't be acceptable in an agony aunt discussing any other area of sex, relationships or gender, the sad truth is ... she has a point.
I just don't think there's any getting away from the fact that if the husband of a straight woman transitions, then his/her wife is going to feel betrayed, bereaved and - no matter how hard she tries to be loving and reasonable - somewhere between a little bit and massively bitter.
The fact is, she married a guy. She loved and probably still does love that guy. But she loves him as a guy who makes her feel desirable and feminine. And part of that love is that she wants his dick inside her. I mean, excuse the crudity, but that's what it comes down to.
My wife is incredibly loving, non-rejecting, tolerant, etc, and she tries her absolute damndest to come to terms with my dysphoria. But deep down she's heartbroken by it. We're still together. I haven't transitioned. But part of her has already discounted me as a man and the reason I'm not doing anything isn't her, it's our teenage son (he's already had to endure far too much grief and family trauma and it just wouldn't be fair to burden him with this, too).
So I think we kid ourselves and place unfair burdens on our partners if we expect anything other than the collapse of the relationship we have with our wives. That's not to say that a new kind of relationship can't or won't evolve: maybe it can. But I think that it's unreasonable to expect that.
And the truth is, if/when I ever transition, then I'll want a man, too (even if finding one would be as likely as a lottery win!) , so I know exactly how my wife feels ...
Thank you Madeline,
your response really got to me, sometimes I do feel zombified by my life, I'm here but I'm not here, it's a big part of me that's missing. Sometimes I almost cry when I see shoe ads on TV. (lol). I have struggled with self destructive tendencies and alcohol, but that's really gotten better since my marriage, and there are so many things that make me feel good about married life that it makes this decision heartwrenching.
With my wife and our family unit I guess that transitioning would really end the happiness that exists now, and I can't even begin to consider unleashing that storm. I guess that when finally deciding to transition it becomes a case of giving up one for the other. Maybe it's not the case in the future, but such is a sacrifice one must be willing to take.
In the end transitioning is really a selfish issue, insofar at it involves putting yourself and your wants and needs before anyone else's concerns. I wish it could be easier, but in the end wishes are meanings.
I really do feel that I am a woman though.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 12:13:13 PM
In the end transitioning is really a selfish issue, insofar at it involves putting yourself and your wants and needs before anyone else's concerns. I wish it could be easier, but in the end wishes are meanings.
I would say that transition is a
desperate measure, undertaken when all else fails and the pressure of being true to yourself means either that you come out or destroy yourself through suicide or mental breakdown.
Quote from: bev2 on November 20, 2012, 12:24:50 PM
I would say that transition is a desperate measure, undertaken when all else fails and the pressure of being true to yourself means either that you come out or destroy yourself through suicide or mental breakdown.
I tend to agree with this. For me it came down to suicide or transition. After one failed suicide attempt I decided that I should at least be alive for my son.
Quote from: kathy b on November 20, 2012, 10:44:42 AM
I was going to purge and give you some advice about coming out to your wife. But, unless you want to hear the advice it can wait.
gimme gimme gimme!
Quote from: Carlita on November 20, 2012, 12:08:58 PM
And the truth is, if/when I ever transition, then I'll want a man, too (even if finding one would be as likely as a lottery win!) , so I know exactly how my wife feels ...
yeah, as with my sexuality I think it might be very fluid, but being monogamous and believing in the monogamy thing I have ambiguous feelings about my genitals. I guess I just can't see that far into the future, but my priority would be:
Transitioning
Hormones
Electrolysis
Hair (implants, forehead lowering)+FFS
BBA (breasts and Butt!)
Not sure about SRS, I'm waiting to see how technology refines this procedure in the future... (Stem cells! Stem Cells! everywhere!!!!!)
Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to answer me Carlita! hugs and take care
(All I will say about the dick thing is Amazon sells 'em. ;) I'm being flippant, but in an otherwise happy couple, there are workarounds - after all, no woman is guaranteed that her NOT-trans husband won't have problems in that department, either. Viagra wouldn't be such a big seller if that were true!)
When I first came out and she said she could never live without dick, I offered to keep mine. That was not enough, it was just an excuse she was using. She just does not want anything romantic with a woman, and hates the idea of someone thinking she is a lesbian.
Ah the mighty lingam, center of the universe!
lol
Quote from: monica.soto on November 20, 2012, 01:36:27 PM
gimme gimme gimme!
My advice is fairly simple. I got similar advice and was warned about holding info back from my wife, but I didn't listen. My mistake.
First be deadly honest with yourself about transition, and know that you must have the same complete honesty with your SO in the first discussion with her. So understand with that absolute honesty that you not only will be transitioning, but you will be accepting the consequences and effects on your life and marriage. Even though you can't tell what direction those changes will take, you still must acknowledge acceptance of the those unknown factors. Remember, she married a man and she will feel you lied to her about who, and what you were. That will drive all other decisions she initially makes about your futures, and you can't control or change what she feels inside.
Secondly, understand where your transition is going to take you, and then don't hold anything back from your SO just to save yourself some pain, or to keep her from suffering in some way. Holding back will only make things worse when you tell her more in the future, because she will loose the trust that you share, and she will think you've lied again, and betrayed her in some way. No explanation you have for your actions will help after that, and she will question anything you tell her in the future. In her mind you would be capable of lies whenever it's convenient, and she will think your going to do it again. Trust me on this, since it was the biggest mistake in my relationship with JoAnn, and in her anger she said she can never trust me, - ever!
So just get it all out no matter how much it hurts, and make sure you're ready for whatever happens,. There will be anger, crying, hurt, discust, and maybe some hatred. But after the emotion settles, maybe you can start talking again. I'll never have the luxury of a fully trusting discussion again, and it's mostly due to the horribly incompetent way I handled that first discussion.
I wish you the best.
Love Kathy
Kathy's advice is excellent. I mistakenly hoped that "true love" would help us overcome this. But it's been rejection after rejection, plus I get repeatedly accused of lying to her. That's true but it's true because I loved her and tried to be the man she expected me to be. But that apparently doesn't count. Instead I get lectured about how I am an "embarrassment", about what the neighbors will think, about how horrified her parents and siblings are at my "bizarre" "choice of lifestyle" now, and much much more. The only reason we're still together is she cannot yet support herself and we need to finish getting the house ready to sell.
But through all this I think back to January 2012 when I started thinking about taking the car down the highway, revving up the engine, and just flicking my wrist to hit a concrete abutment at high speed. No one would have known and it would have been all over. It was when I caught myself having those thoughts and thinking about what that meant about myself that I realized I needed help. The outcome, since beginning therapy at the end of March and HRT in September has already been amazing. Close friends have been supportive yet at the same time say that they are experiencing a totally new me, one less somber, more talkative, friendlier, happier, and more at peace.
What have my costs been thus far? Complete rejection by my spouse which will end in divorce sometime next year, complete rejection by my youngest son and his spouse, major rejection from my eldest son with complete rejection from his spouse and her family, and totally being cut off from my eldest son's children.
Was it worth it? Yes. I am finally happy for the first time in my life to a depth that I could not have imagined just a year ago. As for those who rejected me, I cannot live their lives for them and despite having devoted 35+ years of my own life to their needs, their expectations, and their desires, they turned on me as soon as I sought to live for myself. So, to be quite blunt, until they change their attitudes, they can all take a long walk off a short pier.
Thanks for your advice Kathy! if and/or when I come out I'm sure to follow it.
I'm very much sold on the idea that Truth hurts, but Lies kill.
hugs!
Quote from: LizMarie on November 20, 2012, 02:55:45 PM
What have my costs been thus far? Complete rejection by my spouse which will end in divorce sometime next year, complete rejection by my youngest son and his spouse, major rejection from my eldest son with complete rejection from his spouse and her family, and totally being cut off from my eldest son's children.
Was it worth it? Yes. I am finally happy for the first time in my life to a depth that I could not have imagined just a year ago. As for those who rejected me, I cannot live their lives for them and despite having devoted 35+ years of my own life to their needs, their expectations, and their desires, they turned on me as soon as I sought to live for myself. So, to be quite blunt, until they change their attitudes, they can all take a long walk off a short pier.
I'm so sorry about the fallout from your transition, talk about gratitude.
I think my situation would tend to go in what your experience has been, and I truly hope that at least your relationship with your children will get better with time.
take care!
Monica, you're welcome, hon!
Kathy, you are SO right and ...
Liz Marie ...
Quote from: LizMarie on November 20, 2012, 02:55:45 PM
As for those who rejected me, I cannot live their lives for them and despite having devoted 35+ years of my own life to their needs, their expectations, and their desires, they turned on me as soon as I sought to live for myself. So, to be quite blunt, until they change their attitudes, they can all take a long walk off a short pier.
I totally sympathise. I have always told my children that I would always love them, no matter what, and want them to lead their lives in their own way, whatever that might be ..
... as parents, for all the responsibilities and duties that we have towards our kids, don't we at least have some right to be allowed to lead our lives as we see fit, too?
Quote from: LizMarie on November 20, 2012, 02:55:45 PM
What have my costs been thus far? Complete rejection by my spouse which will end in divorce sometime next year, complete rejection by my youngest son and his spouse, major rejection from my eldest son with complete rejection from his spouse and her family, and totally being cut off from my eldest son's children.
That is so, so harsh. Have they no empathy at all? Are they deeply religious or something?
Quote from: bev2 on November 21, 2012, 02:58:29 AM
That is so, so harsh. Have they no empathy at all? Are they deeply religious or something?
You know what Bev, when something becomes a matter of Principles/morals/religious belief all hope of understanding or reaching a solution is null and void.
I really wish people could have more empathy. :(
Quote from: monica.soto on November 21, 2012, 08:16:31 AM
You know what Bev, when something becomes a matter of Principles/morals/religious belief all hope of understanding or reaching a solution is null and void.
I really wish people could have more empathy. :(
My spouse came from a very fundamentalist family but seemed to want to break away from that herself. We raised our children to be religious but not fundamentalists. However both sons married into very fundamentalist Southern Baptist families and those families have dictated the direction of their religious development for several years. In college, my eldest questioned things, understood evolution, and was actually a level headed debater open to factual arguments. Now he believes the earth is 6000 years old, tells me that transgenders are a "deception" and a "threat to society", and sounds like a Rush Limbaugh instant replay. If I counter with facts, I'm told my sources are "biased" unless those sources agree with his preconceived notions.
My youngest son's reaction was sadly amusing when I came out to my three children. He sat there through the entire explanation, then suddenly stood and began screaming at me about how "selfish" I was and how I was going to hell. Every third word was "God" and every other third word was the "f" word. It was completely unhinged, then he sat down and seethed til the gathering was over, left, and has spoken to me twice since then, only because his mother was also present.
My spouse has run back into the fundamentalist arms of her parents and siblings. Early on she thought about trying to be accepting but one trip back home and that was all over. Her sister calls me and repeats how much a freak I'll be and repeats claims from Christian anti-transgender websites that are completely false in an attempt to frighten me. Her brothers don't even speak to me.
On the plus side, my daughter and her husband have been wonderfully accepting and we've grown closer. I have four very dear friends who have become my anchor during this process. My own siblings, though we live far apart, have all been accepting, even my youngest brother, a 6'1" 220 pound big city cop, who quipped "It don't matter what's between your legs, you've always been there for me and we're family. I've got your back."
So I've got supporters who I cherish. But it hurts a lot when those to whom you gave the best years of your life become judgmental bigots, not just of other people, but of you personally.
I've been married for 31 years. No children (no sex drive). She knew before we got married and I lived at home as me but promised not to transition. She is now in a nursing home and I phone every day and bring her home on the weekends. I'm now FT and now ger awkward questions like: I think your hair is better Auburn with blonde streaks rather than blonde with Auburn streaks. You need you nails doing again and can you do mine in the same colour. That's a nice skirt.
We love each other, whoops let a secret out.
Cindy
Quote from: LizMarie on November 21, 2012, 11:19:28 PM
My spouse came from a very fundamentalist family but seemed to want to break away from that herself. We raised our children to be religious but not fundamentalists. However both sons married into very fundamentalist Southern Baptist families and those families have dictated the direction of their religious development for several years. In college, my eldest questioned things, understood evolution, and was actually a level headed debater open to factual arguments. Now he believes the earth is 6000 years old, tells me that transgenders are a "deception" and a "threat to society", and sounds like a Rush Limbaugh instant replay. If I counter with facts, I'm told my sources are "biased" unless those sources agree with his preconceived notions.
My youngest son's reaction was sadly amusing when I came out to my three children. He sat there through the entire explanation, then suddenly stood and began screaming at me about how "selfish" I was and how I was going to hell. Every third word was "God" and every other third word was the "f" word. It was completely unhinged, then he sat down and seethed til the gathering was over, left, and has spoken to me twice since then, only because his mother was also present.
My spouse has run back into the fundamentalist arms of her parents and siblings. Early on she thought about trying to be accepting but one trip back home and that was all over. Her sister calls me and repeats how much a freak I'll be and repeats claims from Christian anti-transgender websites that are completely false in an attempt to frighten me. Her brothers don't even speak to me.
Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian - while choosing to turn their backs on all the tolerance, forgiveness and compassion that was absolutely central to Christ's teaching - seems like a tragedy and an outrage. I'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.
Quote from: Carlita on November 22, 2012, 05:37:55 AM
Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian ... seems like a tragedy and an outrage.
I agree. It is completely incomprehensible to me how they can react with such bile and anger toward another person. There are lots of people whose lifestyle I find incomprehensible but I would never dream of vilifying them for it.
Quote from: Carlita on November 22, 2012, 05:37:55 AMI'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.
Indeed. US taliban.....
Quote from: bev2 on November 22, 2012, 06:26:36 AM
I agree. It is completely incomprehensible to me how they can react with such bile and anger toward another person. There are lots of people whose lifestyle I find incomprehensible but I would never dream of vilifying them for it.
Indeed. US taliban.....
Quote from: Carlita on November 22, 2012, 05:37:55 AM
Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian - while choosing to turn their backs on all the tolerance, forgiveness and compassion that was absolutely central to Christ's teaching - seems like a tragedy and an outrage. I'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.
In the US it's a sad fact that people in the religious right can't find the love and respect that Jesus Christ preached to his followers. They rely on the Old Testament to support their bigotry, and they're conflicted by the compassionate teaching of Christ in the New. Luckily these truly religious bigots are so rarely violent that they can almost always be ignored, even if they sadly harass and openly discriminate against anyone who can't cower in their "WISDOM". But I have always feared the marginally educated and resentful males who drink heavily to heal the wounds of life, as they further damage their meager minds. Then they roam freely like packs of dogs to attack and eliminate anything that threatens their mental incompetence.
Don't misunderstand me, I dislike both groups. But I truly fear the ruthless dogs far more than the religious bigots.
I was raised by very religious but free thinking parents who insisted on studying our Catechism, and being Confirmed in the church. Then as far as our religion went, they kind of set us loose in life at a young age. None of my seven brothers and sisters have ever questioned my becoming an atheist, or the two brothers who are clearly agnostic. I hope they react to my transition in the same open and loving fashion.
Kathy
Oh wow, this topic got a little heated on the religious front.
I like to think I practice respect, though some religious postures and attitudes of so called religious people are frankly off-putting.
I have never understood the necessity or desire that some people have to submit people who are or think different to them to their way of life or why certain people go out of their way to make others uncomfortable.
In the end, we are all just transient beings in a transient world, we should be nice to each other.
Oh I agree, Monica!
I'm religious myself but what probably would be called a "liberal" Christian, as if that's somehow a bad thing. I no longer discuss religion with my sons, mostly because they don't discuss it with me and hardly speak to me anyway, but at one point before coming out they did get annoyed at me pointing out their inconsistencies and hypocrisies. Likewise with my spouse since we're currently living together. Some topics are best left alone. However, I do know that their rejection of me is religiously based as they've said so ("You're going to hell!") and I've been told by others that they discuss me in demeaning and spiteful terms, much of which centers on their embarrassment of being associated with me. Yeah, it's not really about me or my soul, it's about what the neighbors think about them. :)
What I do though is focus on my daughter, who has been beautiful and amazing throughout all this and on my friends who have been so very accepting of me.
But I can say, in every single personal case where I have been rejected, it has been due to religious fundamentalism, so please excuse me if I have a low tolerance for fundamentalists and their narrow world view. :P
Hey Liz!
I identify as a very liberal Catholic (most of what I think would still get me excommunicated and/or got me tortured by the inquisition in earlier times), and although I don't see eye to eye with most of my fellow catholics, i think the only way to change the world is from the inside out, not from the outside in.
Don't think for a second I was advocating tolerance for bigots! The thing is, fundamentalists usually hide their ignorance and their hate behind the shroud of religion... this is not right, never has, never will be.
I would advocate to call these people out on their BS but seeing as how fundamentalist think, this would be a waste of time and energy.
What I meant by respect is you can do your own weird fundamentalist thing as long as you're not trying to impose your self diluted and horrid world view upon those who don't wish to live by your misguided views on life based on a misguided understanding of the bible.
:angel:
And even if you sort out the bigots, there's still the wife to worry about ...
... she said, getting back on topic! :)
Well said Carlita!
Family,wife, work, society, funds for FFS, B&BA, and a new wardrobe, etc. etc.!
Quote from: Carlita on November 22, 2012, 12:24:39 PM
... she said, getting back on topic! :)
You're right. And I'll take some blame for getting off on a tangent.
K
We've been married 33 years, and have 2 grown children, and 3 grandchildren. It's been so long since I transitioned, my 2 youngest grandchildren only remember me as "Nana", and Marcy as "Grammy".
When I first came out to her, she could see that I was suddenly horrified that I had revealed that secret, and was worried sick. The first thing she said in response was, "I want you to know first, that I love you , and I'm not going anywhere. She was so understanding.....until I needed to go purse shopping. That was a hurdle for her. The next hurdle came when I went FT, and it hurt her to see me come home from work, often in tears. the last hurdle was agreeing that I could wear a dress. Many hurdles are simply symbolic, and the spouse in this situation just sees her line in the sand move, further and further from where she started.
Our then very young grand children took the news in stride, and adopted "Nana" immediately. Our daughter was, and is, wonderfully understanding, and accepting right away. My son took longer to come to a sense of understanding, though his love for me never diminished, and he would lay down his life for me.
The workplace was totally opposite of my treatment by my family. At work, I was mocked, and widely considered a non-person, and was eventually fired. I fought back, offering to sue, and was placed back in my position I was fired from, and given back pay. Over the years there, I regained a couple old quasi-friendships, and a few new ones. Others saw me as brave, powerful, and someone to steer clear of.
Our church shunned us, and we ended up in a different church.
In all, it's a crazy roller coaster ride that ends in a better place than where I started. For my wife,it was a gradual deep understanding of gender dysphoria, and the understanding that once started, I was not going to be a "little bit female", and that transition is an all or nothing proposition. We are now happier than we have ever been in our new relationship, and life is wonderful for us now, but it was a rugged ride getting here. As a final thing, I can say in all honesty, if your dysphoria isn't making you suicidal, or unbearably unhappy, then Don't do it. Don't transition unless you are willing to see everything in your life go to hell. There are so many people who have lost everything, though that wasn't the case for us, I'm happy to say. Where are we now? We are just 2 days from our hospital stay for genital repurposing surgery with Christine McGinn, something I never dreamed of saying! (Yea!)
Monica I came out to my wife in January. I started my transition in April. We have been married almost 13 years. I would say that at the beginning of transition it was very difficult for her to understand and at a time we were planning on separating, but we ended up staying together. We decided that things would be much worse if we separated and got divorce. We both love each other very much and love our family. We both made a commitment to one another and we have no intention of breaking that. We both enjoy our rolls in the family and love the fact that we are two moms and share the roll without any complications. I'm a full-time stay at home mom and she is the working mom. We decided that during my transition I shouldn't have to deal with outside issues that could arise from trying to maintain a full-time job and transition.
I would say in the beginning that she felt that I betrayed her by not telling her. I had to explain that I wasn't able to admit to myself that I was transgender. It took me half my life to understand then to admit it. It was never about trying to deceive her. Then of course there is the mourning period of her losing her husband. Then some anger and more sadness. We both went trough plenty of counseling and a few months later she decided that the changes in me were so positive that she couldn't see herself living without me and I without her. We were able to reset out relationship and move forward. She has become my biggest advocate and there is nothing she wouldn't do to help me through my journey.
It's the best hing I have ever done!
Hey Bev,
Thanks for sharing, It seems one must be willing to lose it all, and there are no guaranteed happy endings, I'm glad it all worked out in the end for you.
Makes me wonder if it would for me. I have this feeling it would complete me so, but still it tugs at my indecision.
Hey Reagan,
That part about not being truthful to the wife is one of my biggest hang ups, it is part truth that I haven't been able to admit to myself that I would love to transition, but the whole truth is that I've known this all along, I mean one of if not my earliest memories is about wanting to be girl.
All of this will be emotionally drining, I need to rest up and thnik long and hard about where I want to be in life.
Thank you.
Quote from: monica.soto on November 26, 2012, 08:04:04 AM
I need to rest up and thnik long and hard about where I want to be in life.
From what I understand you may want to be somewhere other South America. It does not seem to be a very trans-friendly continent.
Quote from: bev2 on November 26, 2012, 08:14:36 AM
From what I understand you may want to be somewhere other South America. It does not seem to be a very trans-friendly continent.
yes, this would mean potentially never seeing my family again (regfularly at least)...I guess my options are Canada or Australia (with their open policy towards skilled workers) and the EU (me being Italian and all, but not really an option with the ->-bleeped-<- economy that's going on there).
Quote from: monica.soto on November 26, 2012, 08:48:48 AM
yes, this would mean potentially never seeing my family again (regfularly at least)...I guess my options are Canada or Australia (with their open policy towards skilled workers) and the EU (me being Italian and all, but not really an option with the ->-bleeped-<- economy that's going on there).
Well Australia does have a few MtF present here. And we are very friendly and welcoming.
Catherine Sarah starts to warm up the welcome branding iron.
Cindy
.
*Smoke seen rising from Catherine's kitchen, is not to be confused with tonights dinner. (Hummmmm where's the Welcoming Iron ............ :laugh: :laugh: :angel: ) *
And my rear end is still sore from the weekend.
Definitely warm and welcoming in the land of OZ
:icon_yikes:
I'm getting the impression that the girls from down under love poking newbies with hot sticks!
Quote from: monica.soto on November 27, 2012, 09:41:06 AM
I'm getting the impression that the girls from down under love poking newbies with hot sticks!
It's not just the newbies. Anyone who crosses them will get branded. :)
Quote from: Brooke777 on November 27, 2012, 09:53:26 AM
It's not just the newbies. Anyone who crosses them will get branded. :)
hot pokers!!!! Should I stay or should I go?
They will get you in the end so there is no point running so please stay. ;D
Cindy and Catherine hunted me down and showed no mercy.
Kind of enjoyed it.
I guess they will be giving me a return visit shortly.
Anyway Monica come over for a holiday some time and see us girls in OZ. Cindy is having a BBQ and I'm sure you will get a warm welcome...
Quote from: Jenny07 on November 28, 2012, 03:19:41 AM
They will get you in the end so there is no point running so please stay. ;D
Cindy and Catherine hunted me down and showed no mercy.
Kind of enjoyed it.
I guess they will be giving me a return visit shortly.
Anyway Monica come over for a holiday some time and see us girls in OZ. Cindy is having a BBQ and I'm sure you will get a warm welcome...
Oh that's for sure.
All joking away, we are a very friendly bunch, we have terrible jokes and we look after each other. We branded Jenny so she wouldn't feel the noose put around her to drag her in to the party. I think it worked, but don't tell her.
I'm still waiting for the replies to the BBQ!!!!
I'm not going anywhere ;) if i do get to Australia, it won't be for a holiday though!
MMMMMMmmmm! will we be able to try barbacued kangaroo tail, Cindy? or is that just one of those urban legends people tell about Oz?
My wifes response was "Oh, okay, yeah, I figured something like that" LOL
There is no doubt in my mind that it did alter our relationship somehow, but not in a bad way. We love going shopping together even if it's just window shopping, we try to make enough alone time for ourselves to talk about life and what we are wanting to do with it. We are trying to share our hobbies. But the main thing was she REALLLLYYYY is into my whole transition to the point where sometimes she pushes me a little too far. If it was up to her, I would have transitioned a year ago. She thinks I should care about what people in my career think regarding my transition. She is alway telling me, just do it, make it happen. And I'm like wanting to take my time with things. I still feel like I have to change a lot of things...weight, exercise, voice etc. She's alway flattering me and it's amazing. We have a sick baby, and I'm always worried about the doctors freaking out about me and she says "SCREW THEM!" They'll love you, for you. So yeah, it's nice to feel that she is a 100,000 % behind me.
So it really just depends on more than a few factors. Maybe taking a few baby steps in that direction...not all at once, will she MAYBE start to see that you are still YOU and that it's just the outside. She's going to have to understand that you really need to do this and that it is not just a "thing".
Well, gotta go. Hope this helps a little.
Stephie
Quote from: monica.soto on November 28, 2012, 04:18:35 PM
I'm not going anywhere ;) if i do get to Australia, it won't be for a holiday though!
MMMMMMmmmm! will we be able to try barbacued kangaroo tail, Cindy? or is that just one of those urban legends people tell about Oz?
It's damn difficult to get the roo sit still long enough to BBQ its tail. Silly things keep hopping of the BBQ
Hi,
A bit different for us, not being a dresser or trans. Jos & i were married for 35 out of 39 years comeing up. we have 3 grown up adluts & 9 grandkids, .
We had are marrige annuld because i am an intersexed person, & by birth certs female at birth though go back 65 years it was not a thought out we are different because we may be different, so some of us were seen or percived as male,
At the moment we are liveing apart. though do most things just the same i pick Jos up we do shoping go see our daughter Kaylyn & her 4 kids, most weeks about two times each week,
We are close, many of our friends are known by us both ,
To get were we are now took 8 years of ...HELL...so make no mistake it was, when i told Jos i was / am a woman the bomb did go off for us both that will be comeing up to 20 years ago.
We both are stronger for what we went through though it was very hard, some things are very similar to trans, yet we have a few details that are different, over all it has worked out in the main for family, 16 of us,
Of cause they will allways wonder why, because of , i was in there eyes a male , yes a percived male at that, yet i never was a real male, not a compleat one any way,
We are over the what the hell is going on, its about life for all of us, & time is a helper in what has changed for us,
Im well known so there is no hideing & what you see is just a woman who's out there in the public eye a member of quite a few soc , groups, & women only plus mixed groups,
I knew what i was at age 10 though could not explain any thing about myself, that was shut down because i knew we would not be accepted as being different, more like cartered off to the nuthouse so we keeped our mouths shut, as we were growing up we just lived a normal life well what was thought in those days, i knew i would be able to live as a normal woman later in life, how when i had no idear just knew i would, well i have & its been pretty good over all , so that gives you some idear for one who is a woman thats different,
...noeleena...
Thank you Noeleena!
Wow, you discovered you were intersexed after marriage? that must have been interesting!
I am glad that things have worked out ok for you after 8 years of hell.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hey Stephie, your wife sounds like she's behind you all the way 100%
it's interesting to see that no matter how hard we try to hide our true selves, little things keep popping out all the time.
Your story does give me hope that my marriage would be able to survive the transition turmoil.
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on November 27, 2012, 05:08:24 AM
.
*Smoke seen rising from Catherine's kitchen, is not to be confused with tonights dinner. (Hummmmm where's the Welcoming Iron ............ :laugh: :laugh: :angel: ) *
More than that, where is the brand placed, as if I didn't know....
My wife asked for a divorce as soon as I started growing breasts. She has known I am trans all through our 13 year relationship so I thought we'd stick together. She said "I've tried but I'm not gay...and that was it."
It was hard but after a few weeks it felt right. It wasn't our marriage to have. We had never had sex, (I'm attracted to men) we were just friends.
I am much happier now, I moved across the country, live full time, have a ton of new friends and life.
When I started transitioning I was terrified of losing my marriage and job. Instead I found things that are more important.
hi japple!
that fear of losing your whole world is paralyzing, but I guess you must be willing to lose it all if one is willing to transition.
I'm glad you found things that are more important to you now and you can now experience your sexuality as you so desire.
thanks for taking the time to answer.
Hugs!
I was paralyzed! But it's about so much more than sexuality. I am my mother's daughter now, we have a closer relationship than ever. I have more close girlfriends. Including my ex-wife. I am currently visiting for Christmas. I am happy when I look in the mirror.
At 5'11", bald, and 285lbs I was terrified of transitioning. Now I weight 235 and shrinking, have a good wig, and pass or am accepted. I am not suicidal or depressed anymore. Transition was the best thing ever and I would happily lose everything I had for what I have now.
Quote from: japple on December 13, 2012, 11:36:47 AM
I was paralyzed! But it's about so much more than sexuality. I am my mother's daughter now, we have a closer relationship than ever. I have more close girlfriends. Including my ex-wife. I am currently visiting for Christmas. I am happy when I look in the mirror.
At 5'11", bald, and 285lbs I was terrified of transitioning. Now I weight 235 and shrinking, have a good wig, and pass or am accepted. I am not suicidal or depressed anymore. Transition was the best thing ever and I would happily lose everything I had for what I have now.
Beautiful. This is what it is about.
Also, I wanted to add that sometimes, throwing everything out there all -at-once is probably not the best way to do it. I found that "leaking" the truth little by little helps this out tremendously. They almost get a heads up when the REAL moment comes into affect. I did this with my son. He's now a teen ager and doing this way helped out immensely, rather than just saying I'm THIS POW! Now, he even talks about buying me stuff at Victoria Secret! :o
But if you need to chat with someone, I'm here for you. Just remember it took you many years to get to this point, and you have to be considerate to those that have endured along the way whether they knew or didn't. I know it's hard to wait, but in your case you have a few people that have invested their own lives into you, those that care about you and love you and I'm sure you love them. Be gentle, be loving be kind. After all, you'd want the same right?
That's just the way I see it. Maybe I'm wrong. But, know that we are all sisters here and we are a support group, not just a bunch of picture posting ladies. We have a lot of Love to go around. :)