I know, horrible subject title! I couldn't think of anything else to call it though, I just want to post something and thought here would be the best place for it. Things have been bothering me and I am just not sure what to do or think about it.
Over the summer when I first started on this site I was playing an mmo called DCUO (DC Universe Online), I loved playing the game spent a lot of time on it and felt happy playing it. However, I joined a group of people and we talk on a voice chat and then I started to get dysphoria (I think it is called) feelings because they thought of me as a guy, and they always would think of me as a guy. I told a couple how I really feel since we were spending 12+ hours a day with each other, but that didn't really change anything. There are a couple of actual girls that get on the voice server periodically and I get really jealous and uncomfortable, and I probably don't treat them the best because of it.
I took a break from the game and for a couple of months and the dysphoria feelings went away mostly, I think I was happier and what was weird was although I still wished I had been born a girl I didn't really think about it so much or let it upset me.
I got back into playing the game since winter break is starting and I wanted something to do, but now I am getting the same feelings again. I enjoy the game, but hate the feelings and I just don't understand it.
Hope this makes sense. <3
It does make sense.
I played WoW for the longest pre-transition and would avoid getting into voice chat altogether just so people wouldn't mis gender me. But look at the positive of an anonymous voice chat server: it's the best place to practice your voice and see if it passes :)
That is true, I never even thought about using it like that. There are more annoyances than just that though, like the fact that I avoid trying to tell people that I am trans, or even that I am gay just so they know I am not a straight guy, my good friend and almost like a father to me (never really had one, and spend more time with him than my own dad and he knows that I want to be a woman) doesn't want me telling people for reasons he won't explain.
If I wanted people in game to think of me as a girl I would probably have to create a new character or tell people I am trans I have a lot of friends in the game that know I am a guy. And if I wanted to join another group and say I don't have a mic they may not believe I am a female.
This just makes me question why I can't accept that I am a biological male and just accept it. Sorry if this is rude, but even gay guys accept they are male so I just can't see why it is so hard to accept I am a male there is no easy way to change it so I should just live with it. :/
Quote from: Emily Mae on December 02, 2012, 12:04:48 PM
This just makes me question why I can't accept that I am a biological male and just accept it. Sorry if this is rude, but even gay guys accept they are male so I just can't see why it is so hard to accept I am a male there is no easy way to change it so I should just live with it. :/
Yep... I know. And it does get better after transitioning but tbh the hate for it is still there. There are some trans women that like being trans, I do not. Every day I wish I could just accept being male but I cannot. It just really sucks... bad! But it's the life that was given to me, so what I do is keep looking at the end of the tunnel and thinking it's for a reason, and if I can do whatever it is I'm suppose to do with my life, then (hopefully) I'll be granted more happiness in my next life.
Quote from: Emily Mae on December 02, 2012, 11:33:07 AM
I took a break from the game and for a couple of months and the dysphoria feelings went away mostly, I think I was happier and what was weird was although I still wished I had been born a girl I didn't really think about it so much or let it upset me.
Dysphoria can sometimes be like toothache. Often it can be little more than an barely perceptible background feeling, until you bite into something that sets it off and causes you to be acutely aware of it, and even all you can think about. I guess for some people it's a case of where your internal awareness lies. In situations where your attention is elsewhere, feelings lessen as your focus shifts. But can be brought back when faced the way you see yourself conflicting with others' perceptions of you.
Quote from: Emily Mae on December 02, 2012, 12:04:48 PM
That is true, I never even thought about using it like that. There are more annoyances than just that though, like the fact that I avoid trying to tell people that I am trans, or even that I am gay just so they know I am not a straight guy, my good friend and almost like a father to me (never really had one, and spend more time with him than my own dad and he knows that I want to be a woman) doesn't want me telling people for reasons he won't explain.
How does this make you feel?
Can you use your appearnce to your advantage? You said you use voice chat, maybe try upgrading to video chat? I don't know how you appear, but generally appearance trumps voice. If you sound like a boy and look like a girl, you are a girl, and vice versa.
I base this off of the face that I often get ma'amed on the phone, and I am male, but of course face to face everyone can see what I am. I'm not trans-anything.
Quote from: Sephirah on December 02, 2012, 08:00:55 PM
How does this make you feel?
Kinda bad, but at the same time I understand at least I try to. He doesn't want people treating me differently I think. I am thinking about just telling everyone anyways because as much time I spend on there I feel like I am lying to everyone.
Emily Mae, have you considered transitioning your character in the game? It can be great role playing, and give you practice for all the communications you would make transitioning in 'real life mode'. I believe in DCUO you can obtain a respec token at level 22 that will allow you to change the gender of your avatar, though I haven't played so I don't know the procedure.
BTW, when a friend or significant other doesn't want you to out yourself, it can be benign (they are afraid you'll be hurt but will get over it when they see you are fine) or malignant (don't want to be publicly associated with a trans* individual, and will stop being friends or SO when you come out). Either way, follow your heart about your needs and let your family and friends follow as they may. We are the only ones who understand the depths of dysphoria and need to change, so the only ones who can lead. Good luck.
My avatar is already a female, that is pretty much all I play are female characters. The problem that I run into a lot though is that I have friends that use to be in the league that know I am male, so a lot of players would know I am lying if I try to say I am female. Then there is the problem that guys play females all the time so some people won't believe you are female unless you show proof (which really sucks).
Bummer. Some of the top professional players in online gaming are trans women, but most of the online gaming venues are male dominated places culturally. Do you have a supportive guild that would protect their own if you came out?
I think most would be okay with, I haven't been trying to disguise myself as much as I did when I first joined into the game. I have been speaking with a softer voice and in text chat using <3 or ^ - ^ which I love using but not many guys do from what I have seen. I think one other may know or guess, but not sure.
I'm just really torn about this, I love playing the game, but the feelings suck.
I find rather normal that your dysphoria gets higher In a socializing game. When you try to socialize using your real gender is when you notice something isn't right.
If you haven't been able to work on your voice at all, you COULD try a voice modifier if you're desperate. It's pretty much a last resort, but it might work?
I don't know if a voice modifier would work still since they would still know me as a guy, but just sound as a girl. The other problem I have is that one person in the league is pretty much a homophobe in some of the comments he makes so I don't know how he would respond and he pretty much already hates me so it wouldn't be good to introduce that.
I am just waiting for a good time to tell everyone just casually bring it up, but I don't know if that will take away my dysphoria feelings.
Hah, I used to have this same problem, but kinda the opposite. I played wow for a while and I completely avoided vent as much as possible. First off, I'm very shy!! Second, when ever I'd talk, I'd get stupid, annoying attention and/or comments that were completely inappropriate and unwarranted. I just wanted to play the game in peace and be treated like a normal human being. There was nothing about the way I talked that invited these comments and it completely disgusted me!! I ended up just typing out whatever I needed to say and only told people my gender when it was specifically asked of me. If someone used a wrong pronoun, I'd just let it slide. Normally, I don't mind being female or being perceived as female, but the way I was treated on there just made me feel gross. It's kinda the same when I go into a games workshop or something. People just kinda don't talk to me or treat me weird or change the way they talk around me cus they are afraid they'll offend me or something. Ugh, it is so frustrating. I wish there was just some way to get people to ignore my gender because it has nothing to do with the person I am. And btw, I know you said you pretty much hated the girls on vent, and if they were anything like the ones I encountered, I can completely understand that! Many of the ones I've met seem to be such attention whores, they bask in the attention that internet nerds give them. Of course, I've met many tolerable ones as well... I suppose they just aren't as vocal? Good luck in dealing with all of this.. it can be complicated at times.
If I would have known about these feelings I would have avoided the voice chat as well. There are a couple females that don't use it, but I started to use it before I really started to accept that what I am going through is something real and not just a phase that every guy goes through, so if I would have known these feelings I would have just used text and said I was female.
It isn't even that they are attention lovers (yes some of them are and it is very annoying), but some are just playing because they love the game and I still just hate them because of jealousy. I know I am rambling a lot, and it is probably annoying. I just like being able to explain things here because my therapist will just tell me I should stop playing the game.
oh, and I did the same thing. All of my characters in all my online persona's have been female for the last 15 years? Vent is the devil! But also taking anything people say with a grain of salt is important. There's a reason there are not a lot of girls in gaming. They tend to get ostracized endlessly by the teenage, and even adult twerps that don't know how to function in the presence of a female. All of my girlfriends that game tend to avoid microphones.
I've played mmo`s with GG and we usually ignore others or just tell we're men. Women in online games usually get too much unwanted attention lol.
And yes, even my GG friends has been accused of trying to pass as females, kids are like this.
You need to find the right guild. I've played several MMOs over the years and did the voice chat too. There are adult guilds that really are full of adults. There are GLBT guilds too, but I never joined one. Don't go after the enormous guilds, there's always going to be somebody ignorant in them. The smaller guilds tend to be more open-minded. One of the most open-minded guilds I was in on WoW was a top raiding guild on the server, and had just enough active players to fill out a 25 player raid. They were there to raid, not to care about what you do when you're not slaughtering the lich king.
I had this problem when I played with friends who I didn't come out too, even recently. I've played many MMOs over the years, from launch day of WoW, to launch days of Warhammer, Aion, RIFT and Age of Conan among others. Recently I've been playing RIFT again with a friend I came out to recently, the best I could of done is start fresh on a server where nobody knows me so I can be accepted as completely female and work on my voice for comms.
Luckily the other people who I used to play with have moved on and don't have enough time to play MMOs (I don't really either) and only play other more casual games.
So my suggestion is to start an alt that nobody knows about, or start on a new server where nobody knows (don't know if DCOU has different servers) and really practise your voice.
Thanks for the replies. It isn't so bad as long as nobody mentions any of the female players or none of the female players are on, and I don't want to leave the voice chat because I have made some really good friends, I am still trying to work on a way to tell the whole group of people (against my older friends wishes) and take it from there.
A little update, I tried to cheer myself up by completely reinventing my character. I changed it's name, clothing, power, everything and I got a $60 voice changer and started using it. It sounds really good, I have a couple of friends who know and when I first started using it they told me it sounded great they would believe I was a girl fully, now though I think they were lying. I started using it for a couple of days now and there is a group of two or three that is telling everyone it is a voice changer...so ya don't do that it doesn't work...only makes you feel even worse.
Sorry to hear that, I've tried the voice changer, I could never get a convincing sound.
There really is no substitute for training your voice and online is a great way to test it I think.
Quote from: aleah on December 26, 2012, 11:19:34 PM
There really is no substitute for training your voice and online is a great way to test it I think.
I may have to return to MMOs specifically to practice my voice with a bunch of kids that will throw it in my face if I'm not convincing. Some things are better in life when people just blindly support you. Voice is not one of them.
Quote from: Emily52736 on December 27, 2012, 07:01:50 AM
I may have to return to MMOs specifically to practice my voice with a bunch of kids that will throw it in my face if I'm not convincing. Some things are better in life when people just blindly support you. Voice is not one of them.
I couldn't agree more, online is great to test many aspects of passability too. If you can handle it, you will find some brutally honest people on anonymous video chat sites like Omegle/Tinychat.
The main reason I started playing an MMO again, despite lack of time these days, was to see how convincing I could be.
Quote from: aleah on December 29, 2012, 07:54:44 PM
I couldn't agree more, online is great to test many aspects of passability too. If you can handle it, you will find some brutally honest people on anonymous video chat sites like Omegle/Tinychat.
The main reason I started playing an MMO again, despite lack of time these days, was to see how convincing I could be.
As soon as FF XIV comes out, I'll test my progress out there.