Just spoke with my Mom this evening to make plans to bring my dog to her house next Tuesday. That is when I'm leaving for the Hospital to have my hysto. Two days after the hysto I am starting T injections. My Mom has been dealing with my transition for well over a decade now. She calls me by male pronouns, tells people I am her son, and she even picked my name. I am thinking she should be aware of and used to this by now.
Yet, when I spoke with her about my hysto, saving for top surgery, and hormones she started to cry. Yes, I am a "Momma's boy" and I would do anything for her. As soon as I mentioned hormones she started crying and said she had to go. Here I sit heartbroken because I hurt my Momma. I don't understand why at this point she is upset about any of this. She knows this is what I have to do for myself.
...are parents ever truly ready to witness their child's transition?
I don't think they are just like I don't think we're truly ready for transition until it occurs. We say we're ready, but I still think we're surprised by the changes and that it can be a little difficult at first. But, parents probably have it worse. They raised us a certain way and saw us grow a certain way and then we come out as trans and some can say they accept it until hormones are started. When hormones come up, it might be too much for a little bit since hormones mean that you're really going through with this.
Your mom has been prepared for a decade, but you are her baby and sometimes it's hard to watch your children make any changes......it's just hard to let go at times. I'm sure she'll have her cry and then be their to support her baby boy. Good luck with your surgery, I hope all goes well.
It's probably this: she was able to accept it more previously because, "That's just how you naturally are" - meaning genetic disease causing more T and all. But now you're going for a surgery to remove all those female bits and talking about chest surgery so it's suddenly more "real" for her. That's my theory!
Quote from: insideontheoutside on December 04, 2012, 08:15:39 PM
It's probably this: she was able to accept it more previously because, "That's just how you naturally are" - meaning genetic disease causing more T and all. But now you're going for a surgery to remove all those female bits and talking about chest surgery so it's suddenly more "real" for her. That's my theory!
You're probably right. She has more than likely hoped I'd change my mind or give up. That I can't do that or I can't be on this Earth much longer. My dysphoria is that bad. Doesn't help that she is a devout 7th Day Adventist. Hopefully she'll come to terms with it soon.
There are probably a myriad of reasons why parents feel the way they do when dealing with a child's transition. I mean, the best way is probably to talk to her about it, if that's something you feel you can both do. My intuition suggests that the reason she got upset when you mentioned hormones specifically wasn't so much to do with you, but more to do with her feeling a sense of loss over the replacement of something she may have felt she gave you during your growth inside her. I don't know, just a feeling I get that she may have felt a part of you that she felt connected to was about to be lost.
But like I say, the only way to really know for sure is to find out firsthand, if that's possible.
*gives you a big hug* I hope things are better for you both very soon, Simon. Sincerely.
Quote from: spring0721 on December 04, 2012, 06:55:58 PM
Your mom has been prepared for a decade, but you are her baby and sometimes it's hard to watch your children make any changes......it's just hard to let go at times. I'm sure she'll have her cry and then be their to support her baby boy. Good luck with your surgery, I hope all goes well.
I think you hit the nail on the head, spring. Simon, I'm sure some part of this is the trans issues. But really, she's just a mom. Judging by what you've told us, I think she probably does fully support you, but there are probably tons of conflicting emotions within her that she can't control. She wants to support her son that exists at present, but at the same time, she's probably remembering a past version of you she saw as her daughter. Try to stand in her shoes. It's not that she hasn't accepted the real you. I'm betting she has. It's just that she has known you from minute 1. She remembers the newborn, the infant, the toddler, the first steps, the first day of school. There are a lot of real yous to her. It's certainly not easy for us to sort out all of our emotions when we try to figure this stuff out about ourselves. Not easy for those close to us either.
Sometimes we try to put a lot of confusing stuff into focus, and sometimes we cry and hurt doing it. Not always a bad thing. God knows I cry for all kinds of reasons.
I think the oldie but goodie generic advice is probably best here. When you see her next, just tell you love her and will always be there for her, that you being her child and she being your mother is as important to you as ever. Rest will sort itself out with time. I think she'll be fine.
No, I don't think parents are ever really ready. And I do appreciate that this is hard for her, but it's not a bundle of fun for you either. She sounds like a lovely supportive mom, so I think she just needs to adjust and get her head around it and she will be fine.
Heck to the no, yo! (Sorry, I couldn't resist. :P)
Anywho, parents will never be ready for you to transition. While you may still be alive, the daughter your mom had is basically dead. She ceased to exist. Your mom is of course going to be upset over that loss.
It might be the straight up physical stuff. My mum was pretty upset when I started the physical changes, for all she'd been totally supportive otherwise. Because I'd been through so much crap medically already. Mums don't like watching their kids get damaged. And watching it over and over again can be pretty horrible. How many surgeries have you gone through? How many medical appointments? She's had to go through all that with you. And well... medications, surgeries... transition looks a lot like more of the same. It's hard sometimes for people on the outside to see it as positive.
I worked really hard to help my mum see it as something good, liberating. Not as yet another medical nightmare. I think that helped.
Quote from: Sarah7 on December 05, 2012, 04:32:35 PM
Mums don't like watching their kids get damaged. And watching it over and over again can be pretty horrible. How many surgeries have you gone through? How many medical appointments? She's had to go through all that with you.
Since late 2007 I've had brain, spinal cord, and two kidney surgeries. She has seen it all of course and has questioned me why I would choose to be cut on anymore than I have. I tried explaining it to her as this transition is just as much related to my well being as the surgeries I had to remove tumors. I think she doesn't understand why I hate my body so much.
We talked a little today and she told me that it hurts her to see that I've never been happy. She just put that out there...that I've never been satisfied with my life or found any joy in it. She is absolutely right. Sometimes I believe I exist solely in the hopes that I will reach my goals. That one day I won't hate myself anymore.
Then she told me that if this is what it takes to be happy and for her to see me finally feel alive then she can accept it. It will never mean she likes it but she can find a way to be happy for me.
My mother's been the same way and I expect the same type of response when I go for the gold finally. Unless someone's actually been in our shoes, they can never truely understand. It's beyond comprehension for me and I've lived it.
Quote from: Simon on December 05, 2012, 04:48:39 PM
Then she told me that if this is what it takes to be happy and for her to see me finally feel alive then she can accept it. It will never mean she likes it but she can find a way to be happy for me.
I think if this does actually make you happier, and she gets to see that, nothing else will really matter so much. That's really what happened with me anyway. She still kind of doesn't like that I went through all the medical crap, and she really, really doesn't want me to do anything more (she gets this look of horror on her face whenever I suggest getting a BA). But in general she considers my transition as a really positive thing in my life.
(I'm super close with my mum too, if you can't tell. :) )
Parents are never ever good with it.When i told my mother she simply preached at me and acted like it was some kind of joke but to a parent one child dies so for them its a death and birth in one,they are mixed on how they should feel.mourning the loss of their birth child is how they cope and you need to help her during the process as best as you can.yes many parents will do/say cold things *as humans,many of us deal with mourning diffrently* but just love them,allow them to go with you through the process,make them feel wanted and as if they are gaining and not losing.of course the pain will still remain but having this new life will help alot.now like with my parents who are very religious *such wouldnt be an option for mine-being there during the process* all i can do is keep in touch or *try* and make them see that the real me is just now being born.
No, I don't think so. Considering that my family accepted my lesbian sister without any problems, and freaked the F out when I came out, its obvious trans is a whole other level.
My mother has even tailored the narrative to deny the obvious. One of her most persistent claims was that she never saw any signs. As if doing my hair with a bunch of girls, my complete lack of romantic flings except for the crush on a boy and finally finding my stash of girly clothes wasn't a giant neon-light screaming TRANSGENDER.
She's still in denial and we speak infrequently. But then, we haven't seen each other in years which may change shortly. It'll be interesting to see what happens when she sees a woman standing in front of her.
My parents were amazingly accepting when I came out, swapping all their pronoun / name usage within a month, and generally being more encouraging than anyone could ask for. But I can see that my mum is definitely still struggling, despite her best efforts, to come to terms with me taking hormones and all the changes they'll bring (particularly boobs and sterility, being that both are eventually permanent). I think it's one thing to accept it when all that has changed are words and frivolous things like clothes, makeup and accessories, but when real physical changes begin, the full extent of what is happening suddenly becomes apparent, and that can be scary, even for parents who want to understand. So no, ultimately I don't think they're ever ready for it. For their child coming out, perhaps, but not for the full extent of the changes. It's simply something that very few people have experience with. And I think it's something that parents have to feel out as they go, getting used to and becoming okay with each new step as it comes along.
I don't think parents are ever ready for a coming out, either. If you don't believe me, go to any parents, and see if they ever even have a glimmer of thought in considering the possibility that the child may be trans. It's just not something that people think of.
Quote from: DianaP on December 15, 2012, 10:06:43 AM
I don't think parents are ever ready for a coming out, either. If you don't believe me, go to any parents, and see if they ever even have a glimmer of thought in considering the possibility that the child may be trans. It's just not something that people think of.
Your mileage may vary. Like I say, my parents were hugely accepting when I came out, and actually said that they were barely even surprised. Both my mum and my dad told me separately that they always knew there was something a little bit different about me, and while neither said they had pinned it down to that in particular, the responses both of them gave me could basically be summed up as "That makes a lot of sense". So I do think there are parents for whom their child coming out... really doesn't throw them very much.
I feel there are some people for whom this doesn't seem to be that much or any struggle for. I've read posts (more on Laura's-- which has a forum for parents with children) where the parents seem to take it up right away. But I do think they are in the minority. Some parents do seem to catch on right away though, they may go thru their private mourning period (or even a little bit of time) and then pick it up and are super supporting. I think these were probably very liberal (not meaning politically of course) supporting people all along.
--Jay
I saw a few transitions and spoke to lot of trans people about it and it seems quite common that parents accept the fact that their child is transgender but they are afraid of any real changes. There are stages where most of the parents get a little or not so little upset. Official diagnosis, start of HRT, legal name change and gender marker change and surgery. At every stage they have to accept the fact that this is not going away and realize that it is very serious and they can't do anything about it.
Last night I traveled back home after my hysto. We stopped by my mom's house to pick up my dog (my mom was babysitting her while we were out of State) and I talked to her for a bit.
She asked how I was feeling...the normal stuff. Then I mentioned that I am starting T shots today and she quickly changed the subject. I stopped her and mentioned that she has a habit of changing the subject anytime I mention transgender issues. She stared at me for a second and then just stated "I don't know what to say to you. I know it will make you happy and I should be used to it by now but I don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing so I say nothing".
We hugged and left it at that.