Sometimes it feels like hell to feel neither female or male. I was born female and it's not that I mind having the body I do, I feel comfortable with it for the most part but on the outside I have more masculine gender expression while my personality stays femmine and romantic on the inside, I don't wish to be male but sometimes I feel like a gay men inside a women's boys but the difference is I'm attracted to biological females only, they can identify with whatever gender they want as long as they have a vagina an boobies lol. I'm not really sure what my sexuality is or what you would call it.
I have tried sleeping with biological men and while I enjoy the sex from men there's nothing else about it I like. I don't feel attracted to them in a OMG hes SO hot kinda way nor romantic, when I sleep with guys its like theres something missing. I have always been close to my mom so it can't be that. Ever since I was 5 I have always been naturally attracted to women.
Most of the time I feel like all I will ever be to people is a toy because women love my boyish looks but I will never have a real penis to fully satisfy them so they only use women as sex objects while they reserve their feelings for men. I feel with men even though I have alot of femmine qualities I will never be women enough... I like men's clothing, sometimes women's tops and I wear eyeliner very lightly an have short hair. I feel like I'm just not goo enough at times, my family is always telling me to grow my hair out... why does my hair have to be long or be be super girly just to prove I am a girl.
Alot of times I feel its hard to hold down a job, I never flirt with anyone I shouldn't at work and if they flirt with me I just ignore it. I don't see why my breasts and tush have to be sticking out just to be able to keep my job as long as I work hard and do the best that I can within my ability. I'm a slow learner when it comes to certain things but once it clicks I'm very persistent with whatever I'm doing. Sadly for me I have had alot of chauvinistic male employers who just like to fin people to do their dirty work for however long an then try to fire them for whatever reason an make up false tales. I had one employer say I was late every day when in fact I was always 30 minutes early, he never gave me a time card to clock in and just made me write down my times and then when he refused to send me my check he told labor law I never filled out my W2s when that's the first thing I did when I worked there, Kinda funny labor law found out I did fill it out and he was lying to them because I got my tax return in the mail, I almost wanted to drive down and throw it in his face saying really???? never filled out my W2s???
I feel our inner souls didn't always have a specific gender and in this world we don't get to choose what race or sex we are so if we happen to be attracted to the same sex but have the wrong organ then we need to deal with the cards we are dealt. I sometimes wonder if people are only attracted to the opposite sex because that is what society has told us, I understand theres a need to breed which required 2 sexes but love is love, its something you feel for another person regardless of the genders involved. I just wish people went just into the lust part but feelings when it comes to being attracted to me.
I apologize if I am going off topic here. I know I need to do what makes me happy and I am happy with who I am but sometimes it just gets very draining and tiring. I feel even if I was only girly it still wouldn't do me any good, I think I just frustrate people because if I was only girly it be easy for women to just mess around with me but because I have masculine qualities I feel it confuses them so they push me away even harder.
Thar's all for now
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1284.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa571%2FRpmeo1188%2Fodamn.png&hash=00912d443eeb16457ca8c56d270d051090b2a940)
Stumbled upon this old post. Odd that it's her only post and it elicited no comments... Are you still around?