I have been struggling with my gender identity since I was small and lo, the surprisingly potent ability of my family to shutter and shun things that aren't normal. I guess I developed a kind of sixth sense to their unique coping method, more rather bigoted and insulated view point on what is, no, should be normal. Even as a kid I could detect the disdain in their voices.
It is not as though I made nor make much effort to hide my clearly boyish tendencies. A bonus or a handicap with my denial loving kin? Hard to say.
For but a few examples: I always played roleplay style games, involving climbing trees and digging in the dirt. Preference for boys clothing. I hung out with a bunch of boys... Then, admittedly, I changed to a bunch of girls because the boys used to tease me. So did the girls. I'd feel like everyone is staring at me like 'Hey, haha, freak!' every time mum made me wear a dress, eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss to parties and family events.
Wait a moment... She forced you? She got my younger half sisters to bail me up in the corner of the kitchen and then hold me down. I'm not scarred...
But back to the point: I have made it so obvious and I get blindsided. I kept testing the water by divebombing the deep end, so to speak. You know, the old '... gay guy trapped in this stupid female body' fiasco. To which I get the once over glance and the 'e-huh' noncommittal, nonconvinced laugh.
Oh yes. Not only would walking in and saying my piece be met with disdain, mockery and unwarranted phychological evaluations, but I not only 'think' I am really a man, but a gay one.
My family is homophobic. My cousin came out about three or four years ago and my nan was not amused. She said something to the effect of 'How dare he do that to his father? He knows he isn't well.' Uhh, sure... And she isn't impressed with many of the things I do by choice. Not wearing pretty things being one. Apparently I am weird. She makes it rhyme with scum (bad Red Dwarf reference).
Then there is my other nan, whom when driving through the city on an average Friday night spotted a group of about seven men, early twenties, all staggering and laughing heatedly, two supporting each others shoulders. The woman turns to me in a manic way, baring in mind I am in the back seat, and exclaims in a husky whisper 'Gays!'
I tried telling a male hetero friend from highschool multiple times that I am virtually a guy, literally in so many ways and the last time I did this I got a scoff and an offhand 'Yeah but, guys don't have breasts.'
Wait, we then have my born again everythingafobe aunt: 'Why don't you have a boyfriend, you're such a beautiful girl... I wonder what happened to you in your childhood to make you want to be a man. There must be something.' Finished with a rested head and a lean on the elbow with a thoughtful and ponderous motif.
The responses I have already received are very inspiring. I predict my mum will laugh and brush it off as though me coming out is another passing fancy and if she ignores it the notion will go away. My dad... Is very quiet. I have no idea how he would respond, but I don't doubt his girlfriend to have her 2 bob worth, and then her 15 minutes. You see, she did psychology at university so that makes her an expert. Grandparents will think there is something wrong with me and inform me to stop messing and my aforementioned aunt will want to have me commited. My other aunts may be a lot smoother, I mean they dealt lovingly with one gay nephew, so why not another in need of SRS?
I have actually told one person. My penpal. Talk about starting small, right?
I wanted to tell a close friend yesterday but whenever the thought came to mind the conversation wasn't right. We tend to joke around and come up with funny stuff and a general sarcasm overload so being serious... She mightn't take to the strategic lead up conversation. Perhaps I am paranoid.
Any thoughts on how to deal with the family? Anybody got one like mine?