Hey everyone, my name is Jenny and I am new to the forum :)
I've been learning a ton from y'all here over the past two or three months. I love this forum!
I was raised an only child in the midwest (Ohio), then 5 years ago moved to LA to work in the graphic design / entertainment industry. I am 28 years old, MtF, and just beginning my transition!!! Today I had my first laser session for beard removal so I figured it was an appropriate day to make my first post on the forum :D I am ecstatic to finally be doing something about my lifelong gender dysphoria. Today is a wonderful day!
Since about age 8 I have been padding my hips to gain a more female appearance down there (just under my male clothing). I never knew why I had this tendency and thought that I was just crazy and had no clue what it all meant. During HS, I went to great lengths to be witnessed with feminized hips (I tried several methods over the years)- had a whole story built up around a sudden weight gain and everything- even to all of my friends. A female friend's mom ended up calling my parents concerned about my "weight gain"... luckily nobody at school officially found out that I was padding (or maybe they did but who cares now!). My parents reacted aggressively by forcing me to stop, yelling, scolding, etc. They didn't understand, nor did I at the time. Anyway their demands to stop didn't hold, I just felt ashamed of who I was and delayed. Luckily through my life I have been able to channel negative energy into doing good things for myself creatively. "Sublimation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublimation_(psychology))" as my sexologist describes it. Anyway in college I started the hip pads again in private (only a few outings in public and not around friends at all). When I got a job in LA and moved here I thought maybe that the move would be enough to make the dysphoria go away. Everything seemed gravy for a while but after 2 years it came back. Strong.
I had never fully cross dressed in public until about 3 years ago when I attended an event with my LA friends that encouraged cross dressing in public as a group. My GF at the time supplied the clothing and wig, and I supplied the feminized hips to complement (she didnt' know my history at all at the time so I just played it off as if I had magically stumbled onto a very realistic way to make feminine looking hips). I came up with a name for my "alter-ego" (that's how I explained it to friends, and also so that I could continue to dress as a character that would have a chance to return). Needless to say when I stepped out the door from my GF's place a huge "Ah HAH!" resounded throughout my body, and something clicked. I was tingly with excitement, I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. When we got to the event I was almost immediately mistaken from the back as a woman... a feeling of euphoria rippled down my spine and I knew there was something deep down that I had been missing all along...
So after that monumentous occasion, I realized where I was likely headed in terms of wanting to be seen as a woman- earlier in my life I just didn't have the resources or the open minded upbringing that would have allowed me to figure it out all the way. A few more years pass with me taking every acceptable chance to dress in my female form in front of friends, with each time the presentation becoming more and more realistic to me and to my friends.
This past Sept with halloween around the corner, I decided I would pull out ALL of the stops. The only thing I didn't know is that I would soon realize the full extent of my desires and that is when I found this forum and various other resources. I began trying to feminize myself in my day to day life. From websites and forums I began learning how to walk, talk, gesture, and feminize every part of myself. It made me feel more open, more comfortable in my own skin. I could not seem to get enough- still can't...
I broke up with my GF about a week before Halloween. Reasons being... I have had a lifelong problem with my sex drive, but I perform fine in bed- just getting there that I have never been into really. I have never "needed" sex like all my male friends do, and I think that was a big problem for her because she thought she was undesirable due to me never once being the one to initiate sex. We also broke up due to our lives heading in different directions in terms of our professional careers and stress being brought in from her end (she is extremely busy at work). Luckily when I broke up w/ her I also came out to her as likely being transgendered but I wasn't totally sure yet. I told her that I kind of needed her more now than ever, but didn't want our romantic issues to be a burden on what we DO have- which is still a lot! We have managed to become much closer than we ever were, and I confide in her about everything going on in my head. I still love her, just not in a romantic way and I think she is still coming to terms with that. I've come to realize that I've been sick of playing the male role my whole life and it has severely hindered every relationship I've been in. Once sex enters the picture I've just never felt "right" or like a stereotypical guy.
Anyhoo halloween time came around and I made a dress with some sexy fabric I got from the fashion district downtown (I do lots of sewing!), shaved my entire body, makeup, accessories, a new level of realism on the hip pads, and the freedom from romantic expectations as a male with my now ex gf. Bottom line, I wanted to be hot! Also I should mention I've been growin my hair out for over 4 years (intentionally 3) so I no longer need a wig- it is about 2-3" longer than shoulder length :) Halloween night was beyond awesome. It was the first time for me being semi-passable and going home I was slightly depressed thinking of how it might be a while until I would have another chance to go that distance in girl mode. Guys were approaching me all night, and I loved every bit of it. Also it was one of the best DJ sets I have ever played- I think because I was being somewhat mirrored by a few key people and I felt almost totally connected with my inner identity. I was dancing and grooving all night... people got really into my set because of it! Even a close girl friend of mine noticed I had a glow about me whole night, she said I looked so glamorous and I looked incredibly graceful and confident. The next day she said "I don't know why but I REALLY like you as a girl". Unnnghhh music to my ears!! I actually came out to her today! But I don't want to get ahead of myself...
It's been a long glorious November of feminizing my persona and displaying more of an androgynous presentation to my friends after ditching my old wardrobe of meh. Ok now a big step to mention! A few weeks ago I started seeing a sexologist who specializes in trans related issues. I was nervous but immediately opened up to her- it was a great session and got me REALLY thinking things through, where I have been / where I am headed. At the end she noted that she definitely thought I was more female than male (another unnnghh!), but that I would have to figure out exactly where I line up and what I want, and to not be shameful about my past or who I am today. After doing the lengthy homework she assigned, many sleepless nights reading this beautiful forum, and thinking about myself in 5 or 10 years time and my true core identity, I dropped my lifelong shame and came out to myself completely that I am a trans woman. I am positive that I am a female trapped in a male body- I feel it so clearly now and there is no turning back as everything that was confusing to me during my previous life now makes perfect sense = I feel whole, minus the masculine body traits.
I am trying to take things slowly one step at a time, but I could not wait to get started so I just started laser beard removal today! I also came out to a close friend earlier and also to my general doctor (who doubles as the laser technician). I could not be more excited at this moment for what the future holds, especially after getting a wonderful uplifting and heartfelt reaction from my friend. It's wonderful to finally post here and I look forward to being a part of this community! Whew long introduction is long! Thanks for reading!
~Jenny
p.s. I think I'm gonna post a photo in the TS "will I ever pass" thread if you are interested to see what I look like :D
Hi Jenny, :icon_wave:
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Hi Jenny, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Sharing and caring is what makes this place go around. Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Jenny,
Welcome here at Susan's Place ... the BEST forum for us transgendered people.
I really like your introduction and can't wait to see your picture.
Take care,
:icon_hug: Michelle :icon_hug:
Thank you for your kind responses!
Michelle I'm glad you liked my intro- I wasn't sure how much detail to go into so I just started writing and it sorta all came out :D
Today I have an appointment with endocrinologist John O'Dea in Los Angeles who is located in the same building as my laser treatment center, how convenient! I'm going in for a consult about HRT and might even start today if it seems right. He administers pellet implants (among other methods, too) which after doing research here seems like the healthiest and best option for me.
I came to realize that I have been researching/considering HRT for a long time (for about 5-6 years), and that my repression was so intense during my delay periods that I nearly forgot about those heavy considerations I was going through. Memories keep coming back to me like that, where I will remember something I said or did or thought about which was almost totally thrown out- probably a way of coping with feeling like I was not allowed to do or shouldn't do what needed to be done to feel whole.
It's wonderful to finally be free of the binary role expectations society placed on me during my previous life as a male. I feel like the vice grip has been unclamped and I am free to explore this in a more fluid way. I am really thankful to have landed on the right set and setting that I finally have the capacity to go through with all of this.
Thanks again for your responses, I will keep you updated on how things go :)
Here goes!
Decided to go with 7 pellet implants and one shot of progesterone. Dr. O'Dea seems great, and I am really happy with the decision. Just a bit nervous! He also has a spicy/funny personality which put me at ease immediately :) I'm scheduled to go back for another progesterone shot in Feb, and the pellets should last about 4 months. I am officially on HRT!! :eusa_dance:
~Jenny