Hello everyone. I am feeling a bit down this evening. I am so very tired of being alone and lonely. I wish I had a girlfriend to spend time with. I don't get out much. Why go out if you have no one to be with and don't know where to go or what to do? I'm a 29 year old m2f non-op on hormones. I wish I could find another m2f non-op between 5"0' and 5"7' and between 21 and 37 in the twin cities and surrounding areas. A few friends suggested that I go the gay90's. I'm nearly 30 and I've never been to a bar before. I guess this post is just to put out there my desire for a partner. Anyone else out there don't get out much but still have a strong desire to have a significant other in your life?
Ida
Hi Ida,
yes, I feel the same as you, I'm also pre-op on hormones, I'm lonely, I do not have a lot of friends and I want a girl in my life too.
The nearest gay bar is 100 miles away, so it's really hard to find someone who you can trust or love.
:icon_hug: Michelle :icon_hug:
I know how you feel dear. For sooo long I've just wanted to find someone to be with but it seems that finding a decent guy as a TS is so hard. I swear 90% of the ones I talk to don't want to be serious with me because I am TS or they are just ->-bleeped-<-s. Every single guy I've liked never liked me back & the ones who did like me & wanted to be with me, I didn't like. Ever since I began HRT I've become really depressed over it to where I think I might need therapy. It would help if I had some friends for support but being introverted makes it so hard for me to make and/or keep friends.
Hells Bells, Ida. I would settle for a boyfriend, girlfriend or even a pitt bull puppy.
I wish I had a boyfriend. I don't know what is holding me back about putting myself out there. I ask myself "Once I started transition it was full steam ahead no hesitation, but now the thought of just going on a date terrifies me?" Why? Possibly because it seems my orientation is different as I used to date women? Was that an act though just part of my male mask I constructed and now I am being honest with myself? Not sure, but what I do know is that I need to get over my hesitation to go out on a simple date because that should be the easy part. The hard part comes when you have to speak to being trans.
I think my point is as trans we all go through this at some point to some degree. Sex, Love, Companionship are never easy for us. So your definitely not alone in that regard. As far as going to a gay bar, it may help you could potentially find more trans people in your area or at least people who know them. Since you are looking for trans also check out if there is an LGBT center, you may meet someone there or learn where meetings and groups are.
I think people shouldn't push relationships, one should start building friendships, and then when you start to know someone it's when you can really tell if you want something more than a friend.
So my recommendation is that you should start making friends in your city, going out with them, etc.
It's best doing it step by step.
Me too! I would like to have a partner I don't know if it would be a man or a woman as long as it was someone kind and attractive who I could care for.I don't go out to bars as I don't much drink and don't want to be a 55 year old hanging around in bars trying to hook up with guys and girls
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It's probably harder when you're into guys because they are so bloody insecure in their sexuality and masculinity but as a lezzy teh trans has never been that much of an issue. Some get scared when they know they can't muff dive but most are surprisingly flexible. As long as the sex is in line with how it's supposed to be between two women everything should be fine.
It's not just men who can be incredibly insecure... even women get insecure even when they decide that their partner is worth staying in a relationship with.
It's even more frustrating when the women you're with is straight and is not into bisexual or anything lesbian.
Just that in my own experience, women are more comfortable once they know your TS as long as you don't try to be in a relationship with them i.e as long as we stay friends with them and unless they are lesbian/bisexual.
I've been in and out of a relationship with the same girl who's straight over the past 2 and half years and I find myself seriously wondering if I am good enough for that person all the time.
Quote from: Alexia6 on December 09, 2012, 06:41:03 AM
It's not just men who can be incredibly insecure... even women get insecure even when they decide that their partner is worth staying in a relationship with.
It's even more frustrating when the women you're with is straight and is not into bisexual or anything lesbian.
Just that in my own experience, women are more comfortable once they know your TS as long as you don't try to be in a relationship with them i.e as long as we stay friends with them and unless they are lesbian/bisexual.
I've been in and out of a relationship with the same girl who's straight over the past 2 and half years and I find myself seriously wondering if I am good enough for that person all the time.
Why would a mtf want to be with a straight girl? I (as a ftm) could never be with a lesbian. They'd always be attracted to the attributes that make me dysphoric.
To the general thread, dating is hard as trans, period. It's kind of difficult for me at parties being stealth. I can talk to lots of pretty girls all night long, but at the end of the day I just figure I don't have a shot with any of them anyways once they find out. As Ms. stated, I think a puppy would help- though I'm a boxer fan.
It's extremely complicated - for one she was my best friend and we know each other extremely well... also she is a bit of a tomboy...
we've been in a relationship for a year and half and although it's ended we still love each other and are each others best friends.
There are a lot of things that we have to deal with right now so it's reallly difficult to explain.
But yeah ... I did love her sooo much that I put off transitioning completely for a year and half. While I still do - I do not think I'd ever be doing something like that again with anyone and I believe I owe it to myself to at least go through with HRT even if it ruins my life completely.
Honestly though although a puppy would help there is nothing like having someone in your life to spend your life with and sometimes even when your with that person you love you can feel extremely lonely.
I sincerely believe that even if we get rejected several times and even if things don't work out we owe it to ourselves to at least try to find happiness - whether it's having your face licked by a cute little puppy or holding a finger of the kid you adopted or just going out there and finding Mr./Mrs. Right-person-for-ourselves.
Hey Ida,
I know it's tough not having someone to love and to be loved by right now. I've been there myself and know how it is. One thing you could do is check out nearby meetup groups, just like queer ones for fun things to do and fun people. You may not meet any other trans people or find a girlfriend right off but it's fun and then you never know who you'll meet.
This isn't for everyone, but if you have an extrovert buried in the backyard, I mean, buried deep inside you, you can let her out to play and create a social life not just for yourself but for others.
It is a fact of life that there are more lonely, wonderful people, than you can possibly count, and it is great fun to reach out and bring them together.
Maddie says:
Throw a party, stage a meet,
call, or text, or post, or greet
in a house or on the street,
BE the person, you know who,
who always acts like social glue,
and soon I promise,
if you do, someone great will stick to you.
I've read probably too many studies on relationships, on how and when they form, on who attracts who, etc. Some of it is stuff you wouldn't expect, but those are mostly obscure details which are only of major interest to academics.
In terms of the fundamentals, the stuff that's important when you're just plain looking for a partner? Most of it just reinforces certain pieces of common wisdom on the topic. In fact, Maddie's poem is probably the best advice you can take.
One of the biggest drivers of forming relationships is simple proximity. You're very likely to get in a relationship with somebody who lives close to you or who works with you. What does that really speak to? The power of exposure. Those two scenarios are simply the ways in which you meet the most people. That's really what helps the most. Meeting people.
So get yourself out there. And when you are out there, be social. Talk to people. Bars are one option, though not my favorite, mostly because when there's a lot of alcohol around, I usually end up getting too drunk and start acting . . . less discrete than normal, and then my boyfriend gets irritated about how I'm acting. Then again, since I usually go to gay social events, that occasionally makes me really popular with the other guys around. Wow, that was a random tangent.
Really, sometimes all you need is to change your lifestyle to one that is more people-oriented. It can be a dizzying thing to do if you're traditionally introverted, or if you have trouble speaking in public or to strangers. But you know what? There are ways to fix that, and even _those ways_ are themselves a good avenue to meet people.
I'll tell you what. I think you should go to that bar. You don't have to talk to anybody. Just find the address, and just to prove to yourself that you're fine doing this kind of thing, sit there for fifteen minutes and have a drink. Talk to people and stay longer if you want to. Or walk out right after fifteen minutes pass if you want to.
And if you want a little bit of practice learning how to be outgoing (it can be a learned behavior, if your personality isn't inclined to it), try joining a Toastmasters club. These are basically random (sometimes they're a company thing, but most are just area clubs) people from all walks of life who come together to learn how to be better public speakers. There's usually a broad mix of skill level. Some are professional speakers, and some are total amateurs with no particular skill doing it. And generally, members are very courteous to all of them, listening and giving polite feedback to help you get better. There's a structure you can work within too, if you want, a manual which suggests what kind of speeches to write and deliver. I think it would do two things for you. You do have to pay to be a member, but you can actually just walk into a club and sit in during a few of their meetings, just to see if it's the kind of thing you might want to do. They're usually OK with that.
Do you girls have good luck at gay bars? I spent my first year on hormones regularly going to a gay bar that caters to both gays and lesbians. I had about zero luck meeting anyone. I usually went with friends (other trans girls) but in that whole time I had 1 guy really chat me up and I was friendly but didn't pursue it because he was just too old for me. I talk to people when I am there and don't just sit a sip my drink. Still nothing. I have no game. :D
Bars have always intimidated me a bit and I haven't had the guts to ever venture into a straight bar. What are other good places to meet people? Seems like at most places everyone is just looking at their damn smartphone and not talking. I haven't been going out for the last several months because I am on unemployment and just don't have the funds to go out.
Quote from: Sadie on December 10, 2012, 12:53:58 PM
Do you girls have good luck at gay bars? I spent my first year on hormones regularly going to a gay bar that caters to both gays and lesbians. I had about zero luck meeting anyone. I usually went with friends (other trans girls) but in that whole time I had 1 guy really chat me up and I was friendly but didn't pursue it because he was just too old for me. I talk to people when I am there and don't just sit a sip my drink. Still nothing. I have no game. :D
Bars have always intimidated me a bit and I haven't had the guts to ever venture into a straight bar. What are other good places to meet people? Seems like at most places everyone is just looking at their damn smartphone and not talking. I haven't been going out for the last several months because I am on unemployment and just don't have the funds to go out.
I don't like bars much as I don't drink, I feel kinda awkward going to a place which I am not really engaging in the primary purpose of.
The club is a cool place to go, if you like loud music and dancing, but I only go to goth nights myself. I have been to normal nights and there seems to be a real cliquey atmosphere.
I met my wife at Kings Dominion in the concession stand. Previously I had met girlfriends, in school, on a subculture website, and thru other friends introducing us, at the mall, and at a restaurant. So I have had zero success at the bars and plenty of success employing the idea that being noticeable and in proximity to people just works.
As strange as it sounds the public library might be just as good as a place as the bar, and the book they are looking at is a perfect ice breaker.
It's hard to meet someone anywhere, but I agree with madeline also. You have to just put yourself out there and take chances...almost MAKE yourself be extroverted even if it's to the point you say I'm going to walk into (whatever place) and I'm NOT leaving until I talk to x amount of people. You'll never meet anyone if you don't take initiative.
I would love to be in a caring relationship with someone. I am a very social girl, and seem to meet people wherever I go. I don't have any trouble getting hit on (and it happens a fair amount). However, I feel that anyone who hits on me is just after sex, and I'm not OK with that. Don't get me wrong, sex is great. But, I want someone (male, female, neither, both) who will hold me, care for me, and make me feel loved and safe. So far, I have yet to find that.
Me too!The bar/club scene were I am is not the place for a romantic LTR.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 06, 2012, 08:56:37 PM
Hells Bells, Ida. I would settle for a boyfriend, girlfriend or even a pitt bull puppy.
You crack me up, sis!
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2012, 03:10:57 PM
I would love to be in a caring relationship with someone. I am a very social girl, and seem to meet people wherever I go. I don't have any trouble getting hit on (and it happens a fair amount). However, I feel that anyone who hits on me is just after sex, and I'm not OK with that. Don't get me wrong, sex is great. But, I want someone (male, female, neither, both) who will hold me, care for me, and make me feel loved and safe. So far, I have yet to find that.
*hug*
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2012, 03:10:57 PM
I would love to be in a caring relationship with someone. I am a very social girl, and seem to meet people wherever I go. I don't have any trouble getting hit on (and it happens a fair amount). However, I feel that anyone who hits on me is just after sex, and I'm not OK with that. Don't get me wrong, sex is great. But, I want someone (male, female, neither, both) who will hold me, care for me, and make me feel loved and safe. So far, I have yet to find that.
You are an amazing woman Brooke, and you light up any room you are in. I suspect that now that you are yourself 24/7, you'll have many more chances to meet people with common interests and values who will recognize how special you are, and see an intelligent, capable, fascinating woman and not just a hot body.
BTW, they say that one of the main avenues for finding love is through the introductions of friends. That means I've been slacking on the job!
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 06, 2012, 08:56:37 PM
Hells Bells, Ida. I would settle for a boyfriend, girlfriend or even a pitt bull puppy.
One may settle for a boyfriend, maybe even a girlfriend.
But a pit bull puppy! There is no settling for perfection.
I'm a kitten. Only straight cis guys are interested in me, and only if I keep my current form (which I hate).
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 11, 2012, 02:06:45 AM
I'm a kitten. Only straight cis guys are interested in me, and only if I keep my current form (which I hate).
Deeper, most people aren't very good at reading people, and take surface values for reality. That's the only way that so many of us transgender people could manage to fool the world for so long presenting in the gender for which we were expected.
However, the more you are able to express to the world, the person, including the gender, you feel inside, the more you will start attracting the people who will find YOU attractive and not the mask you had to wear.
Not everyone is smart enough and sensitive enough to 'get it' when you express the true you, but you don't want them anyway. If they can't look past surface details, they aren't worthy of you. Really. Shallow people are NOT worthy of your time. There are however, wonderful people just waiting to meet the real you, who will think that the kitten, or lion you are, is the cat's meow.
Quote from: MadelineB on December 11, 2012, 02:34:35 AM
Deeper, most people aren't very good at reading people, and take surface values for reality. That's the only way that so many of us transgender people could manage to fool the world for so long presenting in the gender for which we were expected.
However, the more you are able to express to the world, the person, including the gender, you feel inside, the more you will start attracting the people who will find YOU attractive and not the mask you had to wear.
Not everyone is smart enough and sensitive enough to 'get it' when you express the true you, but you don't want them anyway. If they can't look past surface details, they aren't worthy of you. Really. Shallow people are NOT worthy of your time. There are however, wonderful people just waiting to meet the real you, who will think that the kitten, or lion you are, is the cat's meow.
That's such a sweet thing to say!
I'm definitely a bit of both, but my current partner wants to cling to the feminine implications. It's a shame, because I still want to please him and make him happy, but men aren't his thing.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 11, 2012, 02:58:30 AM
That's such a sweet thing to say!
I'm definitely a bit of both, but my current partner wants to cling to the feminine implications. It's a shame, because I still want to please him and make him happy, but men aren't his thing.
I can totally commiserate. I struggled for a year after I began transitioning, to preserve my marriage to a woman who can't be attracted to a woman (even if she can, if you know what I mean). It has torn my heart in two, especially the part of me that handled decades of pretending to be the gender she happens to desire and lived to please her and make her happy. Just because I'm happy being me now doesn't mean the part of me that loved her more than life itself isn't torn to shreds by stepping away from that. We can't control other people's hearts - really its near impossible to change our own, but we can listen and do our best. *hugs*
Quote from: MadelineB on December 11, 2012, 03:26:34 AM
I can totally commiserate. I struggled for a year after I began transitioning, to preserve my marriage to a woman who can't be attracted to a woman (even if she can, if you know what I mean). It has torn my heart in two, especially the part of me that handled decades of pretending to be the gender she happens to desire and lived to please her and make her happy. Just because I'm happy being me now doesn't mean the part of me that loved her more than life itself isn't torn to shreds by stepping away from that. We can't control other people's hearts - really its near impossible to change our own, but we can listen and do our best. *hugs*
Thanks for understanding, dear. *big hugs*
Quote from: MadelineB on December 11, 2012, 01:37:46 AM
You are an amazing woman Brooke, and you light up any room you are in. I suspect that now that you are yourself 24/7, you'll have many more chances to meet people with common interests and values who will recognize how special you are, and see an intelligent, capable, fascinating woman and not just a hot body.
BTW, they say that one of the main avenues for finding love is through the introductions of friends. That means I've been slacking on the job!
Thank you. You are a sweet woman. I hope you are right that now I am full time I will be able to meet someone in a different setting than a bar.
As I am a good deal younger than all my friends, the majority of their friends are older than me which makes it hard for them to introduce me to people. I just could not date anyone old enough to be my parent (that would be creepy) ;D
@DeeperThanSwords - I hope you don't mind me saying this but, I think you need to move on to someone who can appreciate the real you. Not someone who just wants the pretend you. Someone who truly cares for you will want you to be happy just being yourself. That is the kind of person you deserve.
Deeper than swords, (aethan), I don't know whether you should move on from that relationship or not....I don't know how your relationship is currently. Sometimes it is easier to start in a new relationship so that they can begin the relationship with the person you see yourself as. I hope you can make it work with your boyfriend if that is your goal, I have just found it easier to start relationships as the woman I am now rather than expecting a man that was attracted to me before the transition to continue to be attracted to me when I'm no longer the outward appearance of the sex he is attracted too. We would all hope that our significant other is attracted to us...our inner us I mean, but at the end of the day they do have to be physically attracted to us too. For some significant others it's just not possible for them to continue to be sexually attractive to our new outward appearance . That's what happened to me....it doesn't happen all the time. This said I hope the two of you can continue to make it work if that is your wish!
This issue goes right to the heart of my depression - even deeper than my inner conflicts about being transgender. A lot of things have combined to thwart my efforts at seeking even the simplest of relationships. While I must admit that my social anxiety has been a major culprit in trying enough, it became quite clear to me that the main problem was other peoples' confusion over who I was and expecting me to be something I was not. I've also been super-close platonic friends with many girls where I wished it could be otherwise but learned the hard way that they would never, ever consider a real relationship with me. Having reached the age of 35 and having been in only one relationship you could barely even call official terms I have become crushed flat with loneliness worse than anyone with an otherwise pretty good life should ever have to be. I even had to push someone away and ruin a friendship rather than go through the same old screwed-up misunderstandings again because I learned to read the signs.
After all this I came to know my trans status and now suffer the frustration that realisticly I have to avoid a relationship until I fully understand where I'm headed with my transition and complete any physical changes. It is severely saddening that I may reach 40 before I can take a serious stab at dating and relationships. It is particularly stressing that my lack of experience, including a complete lack of sexual contact, will make this adventure wildly more difficult. I too have near-zero interest in the bar scene. My future success will surely depend on forming a new social circle based around my new identity and presentation. I'm not likely to get out much unless I have a group of more extroverted friends to join-up with. It would be nice if my identity finally made sense to everyone such that they quit crapping on me for being shy and understand that it will always be a part of me and actually a positive quality. It might also start to make plain sense to others that I would be taking on the 'bottom' role of a girl/girl relationship and that I would have plenty to offer as such.
@Violet Bloom - I would not worry too much about how old you are (BTW, you are not old). It is better to find yourself first then start looking for love than to go blindly into a relationship where one or both of you will get hurt. I am sure that once you start looking you will find the kind of love you never thought existed. Have faith, it is out there.
Brooke & Becca, thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate them. I'm sure that things will work out for the best, whatever that may be. It's early days, so I still have a lot of figuring out to do.
Sometimes I think I've left it too late at 55,I realise that in the past I was reluctant to get close too anyone in case they discovered my secret.I was never lonely as I didn't mind being alone but yes it would be nice to have a girlfriend/boyfriend(not grown up enough for pit bull pups or any other pets!)
You can never be too late to get into a relationship.
My own first ever relationship came a lot later than a lot of people I know, and I am happy for it because when it did happen I found a really great person who is still my best friend.
Sometime the only way to get a relationship is to put yourself out there but not too much and not definitely not completely and leave yourself a little vulnerable and be yourself.
It's only when we are happy with ourselves do we stand a chance of finding someone that makes us happy.
As mentioned elsewhere I recently came out to my mother as a questioning transperson. Last night I had a long talk with my mom about why I've had so many problems getting straight girls to see me as relationship material and how it relates to my personality versus my visible presentation. I also explained why I would have great difficulty meeting and successfully interacting with the right kind of girls if I couldn't visually present myself more genuinely so that my traits would make more sense in a relationship context. In a long-winded way I think I even managed to get across that I would want a female partner to play the dominant role almost like them being the husband and me the wife whether or not I made a complete transition into a female myself. All very weird to discuss with her but becoming more natural as I see myself as less her son and more her daughter.
She finally truly understood my points and just how important a shift in gender presentation could be in positively affecting my ability to socialize. Then she gave me an enormous hug.
Hi y'all,
FWIW, in my honest opinion, they one sure fire way you can meet somebody, is to just be a friend to somebody, if a person is interested in you and your with a friend, then human nature dictates that the interested party will try to catch you when your with someone else(ie.since your guard is down), or if your alone, its interesting, its in the times when your not looking for someone that someone will pop into your life(ie.again your guard is down). Don't look so much for a partner(ie. don't be so needy), sometimes that drives people away since it sends messages of insecurity. When you least expect it, somebody will find you, or you will have a chance to be a friend to someone and that is the entryway to a deeper relationship. Sorry if that may sound harsh, but for someone who did not date for a 15 years, then through a friend met another friend, then through that friend, met my present girlfriend who is accepting of my tg status. You just never know. Friendliness, even a simple smile works wonders to warm people and possibilities.
Lucia,