OK I'm well known and I try hard but I still get frightened.
It is Christmas time in Australia and around the world. What a coincidence.
In Australia Christmas time tends to have office parties and the end of school, University year, which is out of sync with Eskimo half of the Planet. You Guys close down in July-September?
We close December to Feb.
So we have the congratulatory speeches mixed in with the Christmas drink. A really bad combination.
This year has been special for me as many people know. I went full time.
One of the other special things was that I was awarded an extremely large science grant.
I have a fantastic research and diagnostic group who work with me. They were successful.
So on Friday the University where I have an Academic appointment wants to award me with an Honour for achieving academic success and contributions to the school.
It will be at Christmas Drinks.
I'm told everyone in the University knows and understands about me going full time as female; after being known as male for 25+ years by the same groups.(I can see pigs fly already).
I thought about not going.
So I bought a nice skirt and top. Nice and stand out without going all girly. Adult feminine with a fling.
I'm going to go.
The photos will be picked up by the local media.
It will start.
The Uni Prof who had a sex change
How can I not go?
Wish me luck, whatever that is.
Pause
To be honest I'm looking forward to it. There is nothing like writing your thoughts down to let you appreciate where you are coming from.
And no one stops Cindy.
That's a bit of a pickle.. I'd go, but that's me.
It occurs to me that there the story is there whether you go or not..
Just go as you, can't go as anyone else.
Good luck :-*
Might be good leave the branding irons at home.
Could make a different headline if you don't.
J
Quote from: kelly_aus on December 12, 2012, 04:07:25 AM
That's a bit of a pickle.. I'd go, but that's me.
It occurs to me that there the story is there whether you go or not..
What are you doing Friday night I may need a friend to scream at
Quote from: Cindy James on December 12, 2012, 04:18:50 AM
What are you doing Friday night I may need a friend to scream at
I'll be home.. You've got my number if you need me, sis. :icon_hug:
I'm going to do this.
FKM
Quote from: Cindy James on December 12, 2012, 04:34:59 AM
I'm going to do this.
FKM
And if you need someone to hold your hand, let me know.. I'd be more than happy to.
You've got nothing to hide. But don't ignore your fear, just don't hand it the steering wheel. Oh, and have a bloody great time :).
Congrats on the Honour... and knock 'em dead!
I firmly believe the only way forward is to just go for it, and stuff everyone else.
Quote from: Cindy James on December 12, 2012, 04:34:59 AM
I'm going to do this.
FKM
You have huge courage, and I admire you SO MUCH for overcoming your fear and being yourself. Go for it!!
As FDR said "We have nothing to fear, but fear its self.
And you know what fear means. Forge Endurance And Rise. (PG rating)
Knock 'em dead Cindy!
I know it's easier to tell someone else to do it than to do it yourself, but I'd hope that I'd go. And I know you will because you're a very strong woman. If you weren't out, you'd go. Why should it be different now?
Honors, a lot like court dates, tend to be things that people who get them don't really want, but you're stuck with them anyway as there is no way to really rescind the award. It not like people who face fear aren't afraid, they just find something to help them move past that. Sometimes the trick is in not minding that it hurts. Yeah, you'll be the center of attention and all that, and like most people who get stuck in the limelight you don't want it, but... if you're going to play, play big or stay home. If all eyes are going to be on you then make sure they have something to look at. Might as well be the star if you're going to be the star. At those times I try to remind myself of the Carly Simon line from 'You're So Vain' where she starts: "You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht." So own it. As someone said, the story is going to be there anyway, so anything you could do to push it in a favorable way you should do it.
It is my personal opinion that going only validates you are just a hard working successful woman who so richly deserves the honors you are about to receive. Is it any wonder why I look up to you.
I hope you update your photo with the new outfit.
If that didn't convince you. Please read below. It's a small portion of a message you sent me when I first joined.
"What have I gained? A life, respect both self and from others, love, support, laughs and good times, friends, a new wardrobe that is ever expanding (sorry put a loss of money in the paragraph above), self confidence, increased work ethic, the ability to lead and command respect without consciously doing anything different, guys opening doors for me, sleep and dreams."
Let the world see what we do!
Maelan
Well I went and the Dean made a presentation
This is an extract of his comments from his blog:
Associate Professor Me
"She has single-handedly ensured that the most up-to-date equipment is available for the benefit of patients and researchers."
"Her inputs and outputs have contributed significantly to the research performance of the School."
"She is always willing to share her very considerable expertise with others."
"Has mentored countless Honours and PhD students, as well as being a sought-after supervisor in her own right."
"Carries a very substantial diagnostics service load."
"She not only manages to maintain her own research program, she advises, trains and assists the 50-odd University researchers who use the flow cytometry suite for their own research."
I received lots of applause and many people have called by to congratulate me.
I felt quite honoured
Girls Rock!
Right on. It is nice when people notice. And I'm sure that only scratches the surface. Way to go there, another Catholic School success story (you're making up for all of the other lost sheep who have lost their way)
Baaaa Baaaaaa.
Congrats and another example of how our worst fears rarely materialize.
Quote from: tekla on December 20, 2012, 11:19:52 PM
Right on. It is nice when people notice. And I'm sure that only scratches the surface. Way to go there, another Catholic School success story (you're making up for all of the other lost sheep who have lost their way)
Baaaa Baaaaaa.
One of the interesting features was that the male thingy of me had fear. I didn't. I do not have any split personality disorder just a way of putting forward my thoughts.
I doubt that the male thing would have gone to the ceremony it would have been too worried about acceptance.
It was mentioned too me, at a separate occasion, that our none TG psyches are narcissistic and they cannot operate in a 'real world' ,obviously a very simplistic comment, but for me it may account some of my professional and social interactions.
The jury is out and I'm not calling it in.
Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 11:15:06 PM
Girls Rock!
And Cindy is our Queen.
All Hail Her Majesty!
Long live the Queen.
I doubt that the male thing would have gone to the ceremony it would have been too worried about acceptance.
Interesting. Hummm.
I think for me it would have been the exact opposite. It would have been the male side that hungered for that acclaim, that validation, that outward sign, that token to hang on the wall like a trophy. The tekla side? She don't care 'bout nothing 'cept the work.
My offices (I had two, one at school and one at home, both different sections of the same room - almost exactly, just separated by 45 miles) in a previous life, which was very male (I was so fighting to prove that, you know), was just so that way. They looked like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame memorabilia collection with a bunch of degrees/certificates/awards - you know, 'official ->-bleeped-<- that made me look official' interspersed among the laminates, posters, and stage junk. The office furniture in both was heavily industrial 1950's battle-ship grey Steelcraft with a nice Chrome Dinette table (yellow in school, red at home - perfect condition) in each one too. (I was f'ing retro before anyone even coined the term) It SCREAMED importance (or 'self importance' - one or the other). But those were his offices.
The office that I currently reside in is the one Kat decorated, and its funny, not a single college degree (and I've got the f'ing complete set), not a single framed award or certificate, out of about a hundred or so laminates and credential tags (that ALL used to be kind of casually displayed) there is exactly one up on the wall (my Fillmore All Access pass), there are no Dead posters, no rock posters, nothing signed (and I have thousands of posters, well over a hundred signed by various people). No drum sticks, drum heads or other stage junk (I've got boxes full of it), of the thousands of stickie passes I've got, there is one and only one in a frame, and that doesn't even have a name on it (its from Bob Dylan). Of all the Dead stuff (and I could do a full layout in every room of my place and just turn the whole thing into a Jerry museum), the only thing that's out is my Barbie Doll with the tie-dye dress and a toy bus that was painted by Ken Kesey's son to look real psychedelic (and that's so obscure that only real die-hard Dead fans would understand it). The only bit of stage junk I've got up is a hair decoration that fell off of Shelia E's head (during a performance with her dad - which BTW was super f'ing awesome) and I tried to give back to her only to have her tell me to keep it (I also had one of her Manolo Blahnik heels that she kicked off during the show, but she did want that back, damn). But that just looks like one more girl/fem thing, it doesn't look music/rock/show biz at all. Oh, and I have a lovely vase that looks real psychedelic from across the room and only when you get up close do you see that it's full of picks with band names on them.
If you casually looked you wouldn't know I worked in the music biz, you wouldn't know I had PhD, or that I had ever gone to school at all, much less as much as I did. And it surprises people - heck it surprises me once in a while - that I DON'T have all that out, that's it's not all on display, that my walls are not a living monument to just how awesome me & my life really are.
But somehow I got over all that. Now, and for the past decade or so, my office is very subtle, very subdued, all done in black glass and black furniture and LED up-lighting (OK, that's kind of show biz). The walls have photos, mostly of my kids, but a couple of other ones I've taken of flowers, Vegas neon, pinball machines and a few of the more interesting people I've known (none of which are stars). There are several fashion photos framed, but no bands, no concerts, nothing academic, nothing historical.
And I think the difference is that he needed, wanted (demanded) that outward manifestation. It had to scream and shout (and slap them around a bit too) at everyone who walked in. That office was decorated for everyone else in the world but me. Kat didn't do it like that, she designed and decorated an office that she liked, that spoke to her, and that she liked being in & everyone else could go hang.
The three-dimensional expression of that is that the second chair, the 'guest' chair, in my prior offices was the central reference point, everything in the rooms flowed from that point outward, all calculated to enhance my magnificence/mystique(megalomania?) Now, I don't even have a second chair in there. Never. Ever. Not interested in having people 'in' my office anymore at all. They can go make their own offices and solve their own problems.
Now the Fung Shi (I've got one entire wall that is ceiling to floor mirrors and lots of shiny things - contrasting with the black on black on black of the furniture quite nicely - so there is a huge amount of infinity in the room) of the room is centered on the place at the desk where I sit, where I work, where I think & where I apply makeup and style the wigs too.
Kat only centers on tekla anymore & everyone else can go hang.
I understand your view and it's one that I think I am also at, but in a round about way. For the sake of the post I will refer to my previous male persona as P.
P would have wanted the awards and whatever to display but to display in a way that made him famous and important, that relates to my narcissism comment. The awards etc were not treated as an honour from people saying good job, we want to acknowledge your contribution, but rather, 'Aren't I a fine fellow, respect me'. But with the added bite that appearing in public to collect such a thing would have been social torture for P. He would have stood in a corner and slipped in and out. Or P would have decided to wait and receive most of his Degrees by post.
When I went FT P was no longer there to protect me. I was alone and I had to face that reality. Facing that meant accepting the truth, I'm very good at what I do. If someone wants to acknowledge that, I should accept it with grace, humility and thanks.
To do less is insulting to those who acknowledge me and demeaning to those who wish to achieve success.
I also had to face at the same time a concept that has troubled me. Who has been protecting who? I posted that P was very brave protecting me, my brain, my education, my life and then died allowing me to live.
But is that true? Did Kat protect Tekla, or did Tekla protect Kat? (no need to answer).
I faced the same, and it gradually dawned that Cindy has always been the dominant. I've always known I was female but I had to live in the bizarre semi-life that many of us drift into.
I doubt P ever existed. P was a shell of fear and worry who Cindy created to have as a shield so she had an excuse to live.
I will suggest that is why P was narcissistic; I had to allow that creation to be validated. I will also suggest that was why I was socially inept. I could not let the world know that P was a creation, and I was terrified to be seen as Cindy.
Now I'm me, finally, even before surgery, I can be me. I love teaching and mentoring Hons and PhD students. But when I extol them to be the very best they can be, and to do the work, the study and the sacrifices; and I reject the 'rewards' that come form such effort, I insult my own opinion.
It then comes to what is important in life. What are priorities.
I live in a high bushfire risk zone. I have a fire plan etc. (run away) but what do we take that is critical? What are the things that are important?
My wedding ring. It is on my finger. My wife put it there.
The rest can burn.
My wedding ring. It is on my finger. My wife put it there.
The rest can burn.
That is so awesome.
Hi Cindy,
Amazing concept.
Quote from: Cindy James on December 22, 2012, 02:03:20 AM
I faced the same, and it gradually dawned that Cindy has always been the dominant. I've always known I was female but I had to live in the bizarre semi-life that many of us drift into.
I doubt P ever existed. P was a shell of fear and worry who Cindy created to have as a shield so she had an excuse to live.
I will suggest that is why P was narcissistic; I had to allow that creation to be validated. I will also suggest that was why I was socially inept. I could not let the world know that P was a creation, and I was terrified to be seen as Cindy.
Only several months ago did this exact conversation come up between myself and my therapist. (
You weren't next door at all, we're you?? )
My P did exist. He was the poor physical entity that took the brunt of the abuse. Catherine was the life blood that did
everything within her power to protect P.
Catherine has now taken her long awaited correct place on this planet. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. (Not in a judeochristian sense) Not that she ever wasn't here in that capacity. It's just she's not carrying P around any more. As nicer guy as he was, he's not with us any more.
Huggs
Catherine
Wow. Great thread.
The concept of "P" is vital. I know I'm just barely starting to understand my P and how much different Maelan is from him.
This is a topic I will give much thought and consideration to.