So far all I have posted about on the forums is my brief intro. So here is more about me, my life, and my struggles. I had similar feelings to many of you growing up, so I won't go into details of that right now. I came to more of a realization of my transgender self six months into my marriage at the age of almost 21. I fought the feelings and dismissed them as irrational, but as you all know, they are always there, so persistent. Two years into the struggle my parents passed away, less than three months separating their deaths. I was a junior in college (a private baptist university) and working at the time as well as being married for less than two years. My father had a 5 year battle with glioblastoma multiforme, a type of brain cancer. My mother succumbed to the stressors and overdosed. Shortly after my mothers grandparents both passed as well, leaving me with a brother and sister as my only remaining family members that I really even know. My wife and I tried having kids earlier this year as well, resulting in two miscarriages.
So since then, I have graduated college, started a teaching job, (one semester down, one to go) started seeing a counselor, and accepted myself as transgender. My wife has known about my struggles as soon as I came to realize them four years ago. As I told her that this is not a choice, but who I am and something I have to do she accepted that and we were going to try to stay together. Quickly she realized, and I did too, that it would not work so we agreed that we would be friends, which is what our marriage has mostly been, a best friendship. So we go with that for a few days and she is telling her family that we are getting divorced, but remaining friends and last night she basically tells me that we can't be friends. She would like to stay in touch, aka email each other a couple times a year, but I think that is just her giving in for now, doubt it will really happen. Her family says that they are here for both of us and to call if I want to talk, but I think that was just a nicety as well. I'm not allowed to see any of my nieces and nephews on her families side anymore and I'm not supposed to comment or even look at anything of my wife's on Facebook. So it seems our friendship outside of our relationship lasted a grand total of 3 days. She started talking to a guy online two days ago and has been talking to him almost constantly.
So that leaves me with my brother and sister as my only support, and I'm not even out to my brother. My sister is supportive, but she has a new full time job, two kids, going through a lengthy divorce and dating a guy, so not too much time for meand my problems... My brother, though I haven't talked to him about this, I doubt will be very supportive. The one thing I see as a positive is that I am meeting with a support group on Sunday so I will hopefully make some new friends. (I didn't mention this but my wifes and my lives and relationship consumed us pretty good, so I don't have anyone in my life who I can say is actually a friend)
That is where I am right now, living with a woman I'm not allowed to really interact with, working at a job that I won't have during or after transition, lacking family around the most family oriented time of the year, and struggling everyday to make it to the next. So this is me looking for words of encouragement, advice, or simply friendship. Thanks for reading!
Toni
Toni thanks for sharing your background! It sounds like you've had some rough times and I'm sorry to hear that. Luckily the path ahead will probably bring you closer to yourself than ever, and you will have the chance to start a new life, connect with new friends, and rewrite the rules on what makes you truly happy.
I'm sure you will have many many pleasant interactions with people here and going to a support group sounds like a wonderful idea to meet some new people. Keep your head up and things will get better. Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forums :)
Toni, sorry to hear about your struggles and your current situation. Have faith that it will get better. That support group meeting sounds like a great place to meet like minded people and possibly make some new friends.
It's sad to hear your wife's reaction but you should know that it seems to be the norm. My wife was talking divorce within a month of me coming out to her. I do think we'll still be friends, but that's largely because we have two little children together and after ten years of dating and marriage, it's hard not to continue to care for someone. But yeah, we're still living together and will be for sometime until we have our finances straight and she purchases a new home for her and the kids.
I feel your pain - but again, it gets better. Try to keep a positive attitude and don't let the negative things in life derail you from becoming who you're meant to be - not just a beautiful woman, but a happy one as well.
Your friend, Sage
I posted this over two and a half years ago now... Told myself I could get past this (ie. enjoy life fully as a man) and failed. Not quite sure where exactly I stand anymore, but reading what I wrote those few years ago brings back some things I forced myself to forget. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, just at a loss for now. Hopefully I can figure it out this time...
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Hey, sorry to hear things aren't going great. You really should consider getting into some type of talk therapy, if you're not already.
Quote from: Tmh88 on September 22, 2015, 08:15:09 PM
I posted this over two and a half years ago now... Told myself I could get past this (ie. enjoy life fully as a man) and failed. Not quite sure where exactly I stand anymore, but reading what I wrote those few years ago brings back some things I forced myself to forget. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, just at a loss for now. Hopefully I can figure it out this time...
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Burying things is a pretty standard albeit destructive way to deal with things.
Keep in mind:
-It's not your fault. Things rarely are one person's fault, there's nearly always mitigating circumstances.
-There's nothing wrong with being trans.
-Finding acceptance through others helps a lot in the moment, but accepting yourself will make you happy for a lifetime.
-There are going to be times in your transition that you are going to feel very alone, no matter how similar your journey may be to the rest of the trans-community.
-There's no right way to be trans or female or human, just be yourself, since no one else can.
-You have to advocate for your own best interest. Make a plan and stick to it. As long as you stay within your goals, you will not be left with regrets years down the road.
-Transition is hard. I'm only this far because I had no other options after hitting rock bottom. Be safe, careful and smart, and you're still going to run into issues with it. Instead of dreading possibilities, it's much less work simply adapting to reality.
-Stay positive, keep hope alive and you can do amazing things.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Thank you for the replies. They mean a lot at this time especially. I am seeing a doc in a week or so and will request a recommendation for a therapist. Also thanks for the list of things to keep in mind. I'm working on the acceptance portion as I obviously did not completely before. Kind of feel like I wasted two and a half years, haha. But bit by bit I hope to accept and move in the direction that is best for me, which I pretty much laid out in my original post for this thread. Thanks again, I hope to be participating in this forum for much longer than I did prior ;)
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There's a book called "Full Catastrophe Living", I really really really recommend you find a copy and read it.
Toni,
I couldn't help but extend my love and warmth to you. It seems like you've had a very rough time, I'm so sorry to hear. I would never wish it upon anyone, but the courage you've show thus far is very inspiring!
I can relate to you on the acceptance part of the journey, I too took a few years away from here and am still yet to accept myself. You're not alone; there is such a lovely community here! I'm excited for your journey and to see you progress and blossom into complete happiness!
Congratulations, seeing the doctor is a really good starting point (one I am considering now). I wish you nothing but the best and hope to see some good news and clarity come out of this for you.
Much love,
Karlee.x
Isabelle, I will seek out a copy of the book you mentioned, though I don't read much anymore. I used to quite a bit, albeit Star Wars novels haha. Karlee, you are right about this community, all I have experienced in my short time here is acceptance and warmth. I feel fortunate to have such a source of amazing people here for myself and others! Thank you both again for your guidance. :)
Toni
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The book is basically a whole lot of mental strategies for dealing with pain, depression, illness etc. it's a little bit like a self-help book, but, it's actually based on real, serious research and studies. It borrows meditation techniques from Buddhism but, it strips away the cultural baggage and just leaves what's actually helpful... Kinda like the difference between a mystic ritual that involves chewing willow bark to vanquish mind spirits vs eating an aspirin for a headache.. If that makes sense
I think it does haha. I'm pretty good about maintaining a positive outlook (though reading my posts from a couple years ago I am surprised with what I wrote a bit) but extra guidance is never a bad idea! Thanks again Isabelle :)
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