I have been angry.
I am nowhere near as eloquent as I was a year or so ago nor have I spent any real time writing.
I can't seem to think beyond negative and sorrow unless it's to dream about the body I'll never be able to obtain. I'm not talking about simple body image issues here; I'm talking about being 6 inches shorter, a smaller body in a way that is impossible with current technology.
This is making me feel lost. Like I want to abandon hope or drive forward recklessly in hopes that it will either destroy me or frees me from everything.
But what makes me think that transitioning to female would erase years of living as a guy?
Would the new feelings from the different hormones change my outlook?
Would the change be enough to make me forget about the past and let me move on with my future?
I don't like the idea of transitioning when part of what I'm missing is growing up as a girl into womanhood. I know that I still have a lot of life left to go but what difference would that make since I don't have the experience of growing up as the girl I should have been. All of the social aspects and life lessons were lost to me. I don't even have good social skills now as a man because I was an introvert and socially segregated myself due to my feelings.
I so want to believe that life will get better; all I have to do is transition. Stay in my current life and effortlessly make the transition without complication. It won't happen that way though, I know for a fact my current relationship would be over with, my future stability would go with her and my mother would relentlessly haunt my waking moments with her spiritual righteousness.
But I'm worried about that stability I would be giving up. I'm worried about something dramatic happening in my family circle and being the target for harassment and ridicule. I'm worried that even after taking hormones to the point of having it affect my body that it won't help my brain or worse yet have an adverse effect on my already fragile coping skills.
I'm scared. And that makes me angry.
I think one of the things I haven't been able to do in life is find satisfaction in anything I've done. Mostly I think this is because I'm not satisfied in my body or the relationships I've had with life and the people around me. This seems to be making its way into my emotional consciousness. This is where the hopelessness is coming from. It's creating this brain fog that I can't seem to pull myself out of. This is the problem with my past again. I know a lot of you have said this is something I'll have to get over, I'll have to stop thinking about the past and just look forward. But I can't. I'll never truly be able to look at myself in the mirror and know deep in my heart that things will be ok.
There are so many other things I could say. So many people have shown me great kindness here in wanting to help me and have told me things that have helped them. But nothing seems to be helping me. I'm not sure I will ever be able to feel comfortable with my gender; even if I do transition I feel I will still harbor these feelings about how the first half of my life has gone.
At some point in my life I should be able to find satisfaction.
I've also notice, as I look over some of my pasts posts on the forums here (since I'm too lazy to dig out my journals that I haven't touched in two years or so) that this isn't something new to me. This is the same place I was last year about this time. I've completely lost 12 months of my life somehow. That's starting to scare me along with a memory issue I've been dealing with (like remembering someone's name or Historical events or even some current events).
It's a trend that I've been going through for a little while now I guess. I want to transition. I don't want to transition. I want to live the rest of my life as a woman. I wish I could start over as a woman. I want to keep on a path leading to stability but I can't get being a woman out of my mind.
I know what happy feels like. Every once in a while I'll feel it again, maybe for a moment but I'll know there's still hope.
But then I'll feel anxious. Like I know for certain that good news is on its way but there's still that nagging feeling like doom waits for me.
.
Livingingrey,
I can't offer much help but I'm sorry for your pain :( I will say that nothing you do will ever change the past....no, you'll never get to go through a change from little girl to womanhood, and I'm sorry that you missed out on that. You said for a while you've gone back and forth from wanting to transition to not. Obviously it's impossible to go back in time, but if it were me i'd pose this question....a year from now will I still be at this standstill and still wanting to transition? If the answer is yes then maybe you should take steps to begin. It's hard to not look back at the things we feel like we may have been 'jipped' out of, but you just have to try your hardest to live in the present and do what you can so that you'll have a happier tomorrow. I'm wishing great luck in the new year. I hope it will give you time to think, reflect, and the courage to make some tough decisions for yourself :)
Read some books about transhumanism. You're not your body, you don't have to let your biology define you.
There are many of us that feel fear and many things that hold us back,and many of what you named.But there is some things i wish for you to look at and this is from someone who is VERY mentally and emotionally unstable.(This is due to an accident during birth that caused brain damage)
1) Our Birth : Regardless of how we are born,we are.We dont look at our gender,our hair color,our eye color or even our skin color,our age or any such things.ALL we see and feel is life running through our body.even if that body was the wrong one,the one thing that matters here is.*YOU are alive,YOU were created,YOU are a rare and one of a kind* This is where you need to be confident and realize *I may not have had the body/life i should have had but because i AM alive,i can change that*
2) Our Teen years : For ALL human beings,regardless of race,gender,or mind set,it IS a hard time.we ALL deal with the same things,the puberty,the emotions,the push downs,the outcasting for many reasons.Yes this is normally when alot of people find their selves and notice rightfully *something isnt right* and that is when they are lucky enough to do something about it *with supportive parents* but without,then they are *forced* to keep it all in.this isnt the fault of the teen,not in anyway.So think *even as i should have been,would i want to relive all that over agian? going to high school,then being made to feel bad about myself,being pushed around or other issues i have dealt with before* I can say without a doubt,i would NEVER want to relive that agian.Yes i know how i should have been born but for ME,it was hell on earth and im glad its over.
3) Personally : On a personal level,i can honestly say that all anyone can do is give you encourgment,let you know you are not alone but this is a battle YOU must face head on.What terms are you willing to go by and what lines are you willing to bend for what makes YOU happy? its not a death but rebirth for MANY of us,yes there will be alot of pain along the way just as our mothers had while giving birth but after its over,the pain is gone and the happiness consumes us because we are finally free.I know the feeling of fear when it comes to loss,i have already dealt with enough that i have nothing to live for,AT ALL.but im still here and i want to remain here because i know in my heart the future is bright for ME,not how i was born,not how people treated me in school,not how people think i should be.
I suggest taking time alone and draw your own personal lines,your own breaking points,your own *do or die's* that involves family,friends,work,all situations and come to an agreement with yourself.once you have it all on the table,then you will be able to see the puzzle coming together.but i wish you luck and keep your head high.
Girl, I am SO with you on the loss of childhood, adolescence, and being a young woman. I grieve for that like a parent who has lost a child (actually wrote about that at my blog, trying to describe dysphoria for those who don't feel it). It gets more profound every year I fail to transition, and it finally became unbearable and I am beginning transition. Just a week and a half on E now, for months on Spiro. I would get FFS, and SRS tomorrow if I could. Transition will be hard, i know that, but I just don't have any choice. I cannot bear the loss any more. I don't know how old you are, I will be sixty before I am done with transition, but at least I have begun now. My health is still good, and with a bit of good fortune, I could even be full time a year from now. I don't want to die without living some part of my life as a woman.