As per the topic, I just need to vent, and perhaps need reassurance. The last three weeks have been hard. Have kept most of it bottled up again. As a result, can't count the number of times I've had to fight back tears. :(
Three weeks ago, I saw my family and old friends for Xmas ( otherwise I live far away from them ). I came out to all of my old close friends, and to my mother. All of my friends took it amazingly well, as I thought they would ( all bar one being somewhere in LGBT world already ). My mother was more concerned, wanting me to find a way to exist as a man. We talked for hours about it, covering off all the painful memories, all the issues GID caused ( even though I wasn't aware it was 'GID' ). She doesn't doubt the reality of the situation, and knows the problems and hell I've endured from an early age, but she can't understand lack of choice I feel in terms of solving the problem, to transition. Never the less, explained how hard life is getting now when I can't help feeling like an imposter on the other side of my front door. Even though this was hard to talk about, I'm so glad I did, and I'm thankful that I won't lose her...
All of this is exponentially harder due to my SO, who is having an impossible time. Mostly due to me, but her own demons are ever present and not helping. Without going over our history in detail, she initially supported me, but now does not. I hate what I'm doing to her, which is getting me sad. And I'm starting to witness a 'gap' forming between us, which I'm partially thankful for ( I don't want to hurt her, but that's what I'm doing :( ). There's an expiry date on our relationship, and it's not far off. Aside of the pain of losing her, it's even harder because I can no longer be myself around my GF. I can't CD, have to hide my thoughts and expression. It's not healthy for either of us, and as I observed months ago, this is the wedge driving us apart.
I've almost three weeks before my first session with a gender specialist psychologist, and I'm trying to cope until then. That is, I don't want to be a complete mess when I go see them. At the moment I'm feeling sad and borderline depressed over my SO, and not being able to express and present myself properly past my front door ( for fear of ridicule that I can't deal with ). I can't do much about my GF, so the only way I've been keeping depression at bay is to keep focused, and keep making progress towards the start of transition. I've been working on all aspects of my physical appearance, voice, wardrobe and self confidence. I'm desperately trying to have those aspects in order before the tipping point, where the pain of presenting male will be too great to handle. I'm not sure what sort of mess I'll turn into at such a tipping point, and I don't know how far away it is. That's rather scary and depressing in itself.
That'll do for now. :'(
This ^ = basically the same thing I'm going through...albeit slightly opposite
I only realized that I was trans two years ago, I didn't have a name for it, but I discovered this part of me by accident. A couple of months ago I tried to tell my parents that I am trans, but they didn't understand me, nor do they believe me.
Now, I feel more like a girl, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to come out at work, nor do I want to tell my parents again. One of my friends at work asked me what was wrong...and all I could do I sit there silently.
Holding in who I am makes me feel like I am going to explode, other times I just feel numb. My family will never accept me...my mom told me to my face, "I didn't raise a girl!".
Right there with you on the numbness and explosiveness sometimes. It's tough to hide the real person inside.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on January 02, 2013, 09:33:29 AM
my mom told me to my face, "I didn't raise a girl!".
My mother said the same to me... I can't explain how hurt and robbed I feel to have missed out on the correct upbringing.
And in terms of parents believing you, how could they not believe you? Being TS/TG is only one of the hardest things on the planet to come to grips with...
If you can get them to do it, I think a bit of reading may help your parents understand. There is a really good article here ( http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf (http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf) ) that explains the stages we go through in life discovering our true identity. This helped my mom understand a LOT. Even better if you go through and highlight the sections that you see congruencies within yourself so they can see exactly what you've gone through so far.
Also if you are having trouble describing it to your parents or they resist, perhaps a letter could help you a lot. It's an easy way to organize your thoughts and the more scholarly the better. It's a chance to get your feelings out uninterrupted, which I think is crucial to these matters sometimes. My step dad initially had many many concerns for me, and we got into one of those explosive arguments. I wrote him a really heartfelt email and he almost instantly came around- it eased many of his biggest concerns.
Quote from: Jennygirl on January 02, 2013, 06:30:27 PM
If you can get them to do it, I think a bit of reading may help your parents understand. There is a really good article here ( http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf (http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf) ) that explains the stages we go through in life discovering our true identity. This helped my mom understand a LOT. Even better if you go through and highlight the sections that you see congruencies within yourself so they can see exactly what you've gone through so far.
That article looks really good, thanks for posting it.
Wish I could take credit for finding it, but it was my gender therapist Elise Turen that assigned it to me to read as homework after our first session. It helped me in so many ways- especially fully coming out to myself :D
It's over... :'( My love left today for the last time. :'(
I don't blame her in any way. All my doing, not being able to find any other way to deal with a need to change myself. :'(
So sorry hon. :(
It's not your doing at all. You were made the way you are and the only reason this happens is because other people are pig ignorant prejudiced bigots. They need educating. YOU are perfect the way you are. This is no different to being judged for the colour of your skin.
So sorry to read about the outcome. That seemed very quick. One would hope that time and education might have helped, but we never know. I am in the same position with my wife (42 years), as i have only recently realized what it really is that I am, and what I really need to tell her. We will see.
Hope you will stay in contact here as the girls here seem to genuinely supportive and helpful. I am a newbie to this forum, but active elsewhere, and in my short time here I have been so very impressed with the caring nature. Right now you need that.
Barbara
Hi Barbara, Anna, Fat Admin, thank you all very much for your supporting and kind words.
It's been a rough couple of weeks. Neither of us have been able fully let go. We've spent a few nights together just holding each other and crying until the early hours. To be clear, there's definitely no way back, and no 'us' on any deck of cards. Guess it's a question of where we go from here... I want to keep her in my life as a friend. But she feels immense pain right now, over having to give me up. And she says that she won't be able to be a friend, or even look at me for a long time when it's finally quits. :( At least we're still communicating for now. And I still want the best for her.
Wish there was something more positive to report :(.