Tonight my mom came to my house for dinner. She told me that my cousin had told his parents and now the extended family that he's gay.
We started to get into a conversation about how even though people may be accepting of someone coming out, and may have even expected it, there is a period where loved ones may feel a sense of grief over the loss of the person they knew.
She disagreed with the concept outright noting that with him it was obvious and people will know when a person is approaching the time to come out. She continued on by noting how I am a "manly-man" and he was not so much.
I never considered myself to be so manly. More importantly, I feel that if I come out as transsexual now, it may be perceived as me just following his trend. Obviously my family wouldn't be expecting it, but even more they may see me as just being silly. I'm so happy for him, but at the same time it is making me jealous and depressed.
You and your cousin are different people. I doubt anyone would think you influence each other. It sounds like you're busily constructing your own prison, like many of us do. Live, love, enjoy. Hugs, Devlyn
Oh, I thought you meant coming out at a wake, as in for dead people.
Phew.
Anywho, come out whenever you feel like it (except at obviously bad timing). It's your life. I highly doubt they'll think it's a trend since gayness and transsexualism are completely different.
There is a stark difference between an effeminate gay man and a woman. Which is why being considered a manly man might not be so much of a bad thing, and something that can be in your favor of exuding a sense of normalcy when you do come out.
Especially if that manly man aura is a result of you over compensating for something you are not. Yet your not effeminate because many woman don't behave with such mannerisms that make it obvious they are feminine. In fact I would consider many true butch ladies to have very masculine auras.
Though I am sure she might offend a manly man who happens to be gay as well. But thats not the case hehe
I think a lot us project that Manly Man image as a direct result of keeping the world from guessing what may lay underneath that thin veneer. Perhaps even more so to convince ourselves that we are not what we fear we are.
If you do come out now, I suspect that your cousin will be somehat relieved and thankfull that focus of the entire families attention will now be on you ::)
I agree with the idea that there are so many masks we can hide behind. One of my masks was a life long beard. Now gone as a primary step in my transition. Our coming out will always be following the pioneers and brave souls further along in this journey. This does not, IMHO, diminish our authentically unique story.
I have thought this over plenty and know my family, especially my cousin, would be supportive of me and I think Joanne is correct...
Quote from: JoanneB on January 13, 2013, 02:38:48 PM
If you do come out now, I suspect that your cousin will be somehat relieved and thankfull that focus of the entire families attention will now be on you ::)
When I heard the news I was not surprised but, as I said, jealous. I know we have different aspects about this personal side of our lives, but since they are in the same vein it just felt defeating to see that I have not been courageous enough to come to terms with it as he has.
The more harmful part of this, in my mind, was my mothers comment. She sees me as a "manly-man" and I understand how, but even this far past her comment I want to scream in her face, asking if she remembers how I was growing up. How I wanted to grow my hair out. She told me no and made comments about how I'll end up looking like a girl (I was ~6-7). How I wanted to paint my nails. She did it shortly to amuse me, then argued that I couldn't. How I wanted to wear feminine shoes. How I wanted to play dress up. How at the age of 10, her and the rest of my family made fun of me for watching clips from "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" on the computer. How each one of these things plus many more stuck in my head and how soon after that I had heard so many little comments I hid away and acted like a man even though every day since then I think about what I really should have done.
I know it isn't right to blame my mom for this, but it's something I can't seem to elude. I wonder why she didn't put things together, or even asked me more about it. I even wonder if she was aware of something but denied it and purposely did things to "straighten me out."
When I was younger and honestly even into my late teens I felt that I had been actually born female and my parents didn't want 3 girls so they had me made into a boy. I dreamed of finding the secret of this conspiracy out one day, and how at that point things would be better.
I feel so angry. I just want this to be done.
When I came out to my mom back on the 7th of January we ended up having a discussion about when I tried to deal with being trans back in 2000. We had a horrible, and to me, traumatic visit with a therapist back then where my mom said things like, "If [my male name] can't have a period he'll never be woman" and my dad threatened to kick me out of the house. She said she doesn't remember this. Meanwhile I don't remember the car ride home where I apparently said over and over again I was done with therapy. Strange what people remember and what they don't.
I thought the e-mails I'd get from my mother in the intervening years calling me her "son" and a "man" so often were done as an effort to remind me of how she wanted me to be. I've since learned that perception was all in my head. I, likewise, was angry and blamed her for not seeing who I was. Things have gotten better since we started to talk and I got to learn about what she remembered and what she was really feeling all this time instead of me just reacting to what I was projecting onto her. Turns out, my mom is a much more complex an interesting person than I thought, which is a good thing.
Coming out to your mom seems like it might be as good a place as any to start your journey to getting done.
For full disclosure, my dad did essentially give me the "trend" accusation, and that does hurt. I've been standing my ground and emphasizing that I'm a functioning woman in my life now. Hopefully if you do get that uncouth treatment too, your accusers won't be as stubborn as my old man is shaping up to be.
I don't know nearly enough details of your family to offer specific advice.
I would like to point out, though, that when my son came out as FtM, it more or less created a "now or never" situation for me in coming out to some of those who I had not yet come out to, or had not done so clearly and fully. "Coming out" is rarely a one-time event, and there will be plenty of people you may need to have an extended discussion with before you feel that they understand even the basic things you may feel are necessary for you that they understand.
Maybe more on this when I have some time. Then again, this has been a lot of what I've been discussing during my "reintroductions" on this forum.
If you're close to your cousin, you may want to have a conversation with him in some depth before you decide how you want to handle your own announcement(s).