So I was out with one of my closests friends, she is trans also. Anyways I misgendered her, I caught myself and apologized. To my surprise she advised me it wasnt the first time I had done this! EEEK! I don't understand how I am able to do this when I personally know how much it hurts! Could it be that misgendering could be unintentional by others as well? I mean I know I didnt mean to do this.
If your reading this I am truly sorry, you know who you are!
I do believe that often times it is completely unintentional. I have heard many people interchange male and female pronouns for everyone. Even the most beautiful cis woman will get a "he" occasionally. I'm sure it was not something you meant to do, and I'll bet you do it with many people. It's just we are particularly sensitive to it so we notice it. Don't be to hard on yourself. It was a mistake.
I've done that to my cis gendered male roommate who is VERY obviously male.
I've done that a lot of times with all kinds of people cis and otherwise, usually it's just a matter of being in a hurry or preoccupied, most people don't give a rip but TG folks really get a stick up their as* over it because of their own insecurities. I try and engage my brain before I blurt out something stupid.
I do the same thing if I know. Its unintentional, and it always feels terrible but it happens.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It happens.. Especially if you knew the person before they started to transition.. Like any other mistake.. it wasn't intentional. I'm sure they know you didn't mean it :angel:
We wub u jenny
Good topic. I don't think some people mean to do it if they are true at heart. which you are. I totally wouldn't be mad if my trans girlfriend accidentally misgendered me. stuff happens. life is too short to worry about a 2 sec blink of our lives with time it will happen less and less with people we interact with both trans, or cis gendered. Love ya missy.
Jenny,
Don't stress yourself over this, it happens, we don't mean to and our true friends know that. I am guilty of this myself but have noticed from self experience that I seem to do this only with my trans friends that I met prior to their transition, that where still in guy mode the day we met. I also noticed the only close friends that misgender me too, are the ones that knew me before my transition. I forgive them and I am sure your friend or friends forgive you too.
I think it definitely *can* be unintentional, but I'm basing that on the fact that I occasionally misgender cis guys. :) Doesn't make it any less hurtful, but the ones who are doing it deliberately to be bigoted and cause pain generally make a bigger point out of it.
(I apparently spent so much time training my brain to avoid "he" because I didn't EVER want to hurt my wife, that now it periodically coughs up "she" even for cis male friends... luckily, they've all had a sense of humor about it.)
Quote from: blueconstancy on January 18, 2013, 07:28:37 AM
I think it definitely *can* be unintentional, but I'm basing that on the fact that I occasionally misgender cis guys. :) Doesn't make it any less hurtful, but the ones who are doing it deliberately to be bigoted and cause pain generally make a bigger point out of it.
Personally I don't get too excited about it when it happens to me and comes from some personnel friends because they've always known me for many years before I began transition, my kids know me as dad just like Marcie Bowers kids know her as dad, it is what it is and we deal with it. But when it comes from someone who knows better, then it's a different story. I'm still married now for 43 years and opted out of SRS at the last moment to save that relationship, it wasn't an easy decision as you can probably imagine. So although I have had an orchiectomy over ten years ago and have been on HRT for close to 18 years which is evident from my link below, you'd think that people here wouldn't take the liberty to mis-gender such a person unless it was clearly done out of malicious intent. This is a safe haven for trans people where we treat one another respectfully, I care for everyone here as if they are extended family because we all share this commonality. I'll recover from the anger and pain of being mis-gendered, it's just a part of being who we are!
I have a gay friend who calls everyone girl and she. It's just what he does. The first time, I was like, "hey, in case you forgot..." And he said in his most flamboyant and excitable fashion, "Oh no, honey, I call everyone girl or she. Even my boss! He's a big straight man! It's a habit, but it's also me." Now, it's just kind of funny. It's like being in an episode of Ru Paul's Drag Race when hanging out with him.